Climate Change Protesters Disrupt Yale-Harvard Football Game – headline from the New York Times, November 23, 2019

SCENE: The annual Harvard-Yale game. A HARVARD running back strolls briskly towards the end zone, football in hand. A YALE defender hastens to reach him before he is able to “score a touchdown”.

HARVARD: I say, what is all that fuss over there by the 30-yard line?

YALE: Haven’t the foggiest, old boy.  But from all the excitement it looks like someone broke into the biology lab again and made a great heap of ethanol punch. I say, would you mind possibly, er, picking up the pace a bit? Otherwise long tradition holds that I must overtake you and shove you rudely to the ground.

HARVARD: Hang on a mo, it looks like they’re holding up…signs! I can just make one out. Something about “Climb A Jane”…sounds intriguing, what! Oh, and fall upon me if you must. I shan’t take it personally.

YALE: No, the sign says “Climate Change”.

HARVARD: Oh not that again. How tiresome.  Haven’t those drudges with overdeveloped medulla oblong-whatsits over at that trade school, you know the one…

YALE: Do you mean the Massachusetts Institute of Technology?

HARVARD: Just the ones! Haven’t they sorted it all out yet? And for heaven’s sake, make up your mind—do you intend to ‘tackle’ me or not? The end zone is nigh!

YALE: The problem is, you see, that those science johnnies have done a smashing job of explaining the facts of the matter. Now it’s up those of us in positions of real power to actually, er, get the ice cubes back in the tray before they all melt, do you see…

HARVARD: Nice metaphor, Yale!

YALE: Too kind, Harvard! What is the score, anyway?

HARVARD: I believe your boys are up by 7….

YALE: Well, I suppose it’s only fair to let you pass, then. Just allow me a tiny shove, for appearances’ sake…

HARVARD: That’s fair. Ow, that was a bit rough!

YALE: Oh, stop acting like such a Columbia Lion. Now what are we going to do about this global warming mess?

HARVARD: I’m sorry, I must have been upset by all that shouting.  On Monday I’ll have my footman wire my uncle on the Supreme Court and my cousin on the board of the World Bank and have them look into it. I say Yale, would you mind getting off me?

YALE: Is that a serious question, Harvard? Just joking, old friend. Only make sure they don’t upset the old money boat. A generous trust fund is a terrible thing to waste on some perfectly survivable long-term catastrophe…

HARVARD: No worries, Yale, I’ve got your back!

YALE: And I yours!

HARVARD: And thanks for the wink-and-nod on the end-run. I won’t forget it, Yale.

YALE: Any time, Harvard!

In which we predict the hottest catchphrases of the 2020’s

stable genius: person of low intelligence and questionable emotional stability

Example: “Whatever you do, don’t put Larry in charge. The guy is such a stable genius!”

elector: to gain a position of power through a technicality, even though someone else is more popular or more qualified

Example: “Don’s the new CEO, even though most of the board voted for Liz. Somehow he got electored!”

pull a Rudy G: sacrifice one’s integrity and esteem for no apparent reason

Example: “Everybody used to love Rick. But after pulling that Rudy G, they won’t even let him join the West Avery Hills Saturday Morning Bagel Bunch Meetup!”

fake news: something that is absolutely true

Example: “You’re engaged? Girl, are you kidding me?” “No, I swear it’s fake news!”

The greatest [s.t.] in American history: describes a horrible or painful occurrence

Example: “Have you seen The Avengers XXXII yet?” “My god, the special effects sucked, the dialog was stupid, it was an hour too long, and the story made no sense.  It was like the greatest cinematic experience in American history!”

Warren: female

Example: “Jane is so smart and has such great ideas! How come everybody feels so threatened by her?” “Cause she’s a Warren, duh!”

put ‘Kraine on: apply pressure on [s.o.] through extortion or threat

Example: “He says he won’t testify against his mother? Just put some ‘Kraine on the guy!”

let Mexico pay for it: avoid responsibility for a mistake or misdeed

Example: “Hey, I think I dinged that guy’s car door. Should I leave a note on his windshield?” “Nah, he won’t notice it until we’re gone. We’ll let Mexico pay for it.”

Melanize: survive a painful or depressing situation through denial and feigned indifference.

Example: “I know I’m in an abusive relationship, but until the divorce is final I’m just going to sit back and Melanize.”

when the president releases his tax returns: never. Example: Hey, could you lend me 50 bucks? I swear I’ll pay you back tomorrow!” “Yeah, you’ll pay me back…when the president releases his tax returns!

shoot one’s self in the other foot: to make the same horrible, needless mistake a second time.

Example: “Did you stay up last night watching the presidential election results?” “Yes, I can’t believe we shot ourselves in the other foot!”

1. Allow Barack Obama to run for a third term.  Not incumbents in general, just Obama.

2. No universal background checks which infringe on our rights under the 2nd Amendment! Instead, anyone convicted of a crime committed with a gun will share their cell or gurney with the person they got it from.

3. Medicare for all except people who text at stoplights.

4. Transfer the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to the federal prison system and use the empty cells for the people who own JUUL.

5. Instead of the new aircraft carrier the Navy doesn’t even want, every day is National Free Beer and Bratwurst Day.

6. Free college tuition for everyone except psychology and communications majors.  Unless someone can tell me what all those psych and communications majors actually do.

7. Every citizen between the ages of 21 and 71 must spend one continuous 24 hour period a year homeless.  Except for, like, actually homeless people. They can spend the night in one of those empty homes.

8. Jeffrey Epstein will be re-generated from his own DNA. So he can spend his next life in jail.

9. Fossil-fuel corporation execs who have refused to acknowledge climate change will be exiled to rapidly dwindling icebergs.

10. Universal free nachos and margaritas for school teachers, veterans, and the nice lady at the bagel shop who always remembers my name.

11. Congressional Medal of Honor for Martin Scorsese and Greta Thunberg. And also my mother.

12. The ERA. Like, duh.

13. No-strings NEH grants for people who write clever blogs.