Coming Soon…Tiny-Hands Luke

VOICEOVER: In a world where everything is a lie…

SCENE: Court room

JUDGE: Does the defendant have anything to say before sentencing?

VOICEOVER: …only one man knows the truth…

TRUMP: I’m not sorry, your honor…because I didn’t do anything wrong!

VOICEOVER: They sent him to a place some call Georgia…and some call…hell on earth!

SCENE: Dirt road in rural South. White bus passes under archway with sign: Georgia State Correctional Farm. CUT to front stoop of prison HQ.

WARDEN [Looking at file] Now it says here that you was elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Yessir.

WARDEN: And then you lost the re-election, denied the results, got yourself impeached for the third time, and got arrested for trying to overthrow the democratic process!

TRUMP: No, I’m sorry, I have to stop you there, that’s completely wrong, I actually won the election, and it’s the leftwing mainstream media and their buddies in the illegal weaponized justice department who conspired to rig the results because they can’t stand…

WARDEN: [turning to PRISON GUARD] Jesus Christ in a jumpsuit, does this guy ever shut up?

PRISON GUARD: No boss, he’s been going on like that ever since we picked him up. We think he might be …a few votes shy of a simple majority, if you know what I mean…

VOICEOVER: To the system, he wasn’t a man…he was inmate P01135809!

SCENE: A row of inmates stands knee deep in a swamp, overseen by a GUARD on horseback.

GUARD: Now someone done told me…that y’all been itchin’ to drain the swamp! [Tosses a shovel in front of prisoner TRUMP] Well, go ahead then…drain it!

[CUT TO later. Exhausted prisoners are now standing on dry ground.]

TRUMP: We drained the swamp, boss, just like you said!

GUARD: Fine, that’s just fine. Just heard from the warden, boys…he wants you to fill it up again!

VOICEOVER: One man…and his loyal friend…

SCENE: Prison cafeteria. INMATE sits at steel table across from TRUMP. Next to Trump sits a SAD LITTLE MAN

GIULIANI: Hey, could I have a couple of those French fries?

TRUMP: No. [TO INMATE] So what are you in for?

INMATE: Multiple homicides. You?

TRUMP: Attempting to subvert an election.

INMATE: You stay away from me. Who’s your friend?

TRUMP: He’s not my friend.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I used to be mayor of New York!

TRUMP: Shut up. [to INMATE] It’s all a witch hunt, anyway. I didn’t do anything wrong but they got me on that stupid RICO law.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I invented RICO!

TRUMP and INMATE: Shut up!

INMATE: So how long are you in for?

SIDNEY POWELL: Not long. We got a plan to get him out of here.

TRUMP: Dammit, Sidney, stop doing that, you’ll give me a heart attack! How’d you get in here anyway? This is a guys’ prison!

POWELL: I just showed up uninvited. Like your staff meetings!

TRUMP: You know, the guys in here really aren’t so bad. When you’re famous they’ll let you do anything. You can kiss ‘em, you can grab ‘em by the…

VOICEOVER: Imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, the world forgot him…until one day…

SCENE: [THOMAS mansion, the morning room]

CLARENCE: Honey, would please pass the albino sturgeon caviar…

GINNI: Yes dear, as soon as you stop hogging the Château Lafite Rothschild ’64.

CLARENCE: No reason to get snippy, my little Tea-Party titmouse, there’s more in the cellar…[frowns at the newspaper in his hands] I say, my love, have you seen this? It appears that our persecuted heroic friend has suffered a cruel criminal conviction which I’m sure can be overturned using some obscure legal technicality!

GINNI: Like, he sincerely believed the election was rigged!

CLARENCE: That’s pretty lame…

GINNI: Well I sincerely thought the election was rigged… are you calling me lame, dearest?

CLARENCE: In accordance with my rights as a citizen, as set forth in the 5th amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America…

VOICEOVER: Only a miracle could save him…

SCENE: [Warden’s office] Well, number P01135809, looks like your lucky day has arrived. I got a telegram here from up in Washington, DC. Guess we gotta let you go. You done been re-elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Great. You’re fired, by the way.

WARDEN: Hurry up and get your things, there’ll be one a them stretch limos at the gate, with Melania and that Ye feller and who knows who inside, and Tucker Carlson getting’ a big ole stiffie just waitin’ for the exclusive interview, and…hey, where you think you goin’?

TRUMP: I gotta get out of here, the people are waiting for me!

WARDEN: No they ain’t! Joe Biden beat you worse than the Georgia Bulldogs are gonna beat the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks in this year’s season opener! Which in case you don’t follow college football, means real bad! I just wanted to see the expression on your face! Guard, take this ole pile of perpetrations back to the hole!

On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”: an Update

Some of our longtime faithful readers may vaguely remember a post in these from pages way back in October 2021, entitled On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”. In that post we laid out the case for claiming that the story told in the beloved Disney animated film Lady and the Tramp (1955) was stolen from the Pirandello short story “Pallino e Mimì.” I invited fans of the movie to make up their own minds by reading the story, but at the time, there was no way for English readers to do so: the story only existed in the original Italian.

Until now! The Stories for a Year project, which aims to post English translations of each and every one of Pirandello’s 250+ stories from various translators, has posted “Pellet and Mimì,” the co-translation of “Pallino e Mimì” by me and my friend Vanessa Fanelli (now Dr. Fanelli, Ph.D. of UT-Austin). Follow the link to read this delightful (if ultimately rather grim) story and let us know…do you think Disney ripped it off?

My thanks for Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka for editing, hosting, and posting this story, and for their effort to make it and the rest of Pirandello’s wonderful short stories freely available to English-language readers.

On Emilio De Marchi’s The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete, 1887)

Editor’s note: Italica Press has just published our new translation of Emilio De Marchi’s crime thriller The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete), which we shamelessly promote in this post. The following is an excerpt from our introduction to the novel. If you’re looking for a ripping yarn, we invite you to enjoy this novel in paperback or e-reader. (Currently only the paperback and hardcover versions are available; we expect the Kindle edition to appear shortly.) The following is an excerpt of our introduction to the novel. The novel’s first chapter is freely available on its Amazon page.

The 1887 edition of the British magazine Beeton’s Christmas Annual featured a complete novel by a hitherto unknown writer named Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet. The novel introduced the world to an eccentric “consulting detective” named Sherlock Holmes, as described by his friend, Dr. John Watson.

Earlier that same year, mysterious posters had appeared on the streets of Milan showing only an enormous black priest’s hat. At about the same time, a drawing of a black tricorn hat started showing up in the pages of the Milan daily Italia, first without explanation and later with the caption, Il cappello del prete (The Priest’s Hat). This turned out to be the title of a novel by the 36-year-old Milanese writer Emilio De Marchi. It would appear in that paper in June and July of that year, in 43 installments.[1] The following year it appeared in the Naples daily Corriere di Napoli and in book form. 

Conan Doyle’s detective became enormously popular and has remained so among readers and cinema-goers all over the planet. De Marchi’s work, though a popular success in Italy, never really broke through to the English-speaking world — although a translation was published in the U.K. in 1935.[2] Even in Italy today it is relatively unknown.

That is a shame, because The Priest’s Hat is endearing, suspenseful, moving, and wickedly funny. Loosely based on Count Alessandro Faella’s murder of the priest Virgilio Costa in Imola in 1881, The Priest’s Hat portrays the aging Neapolitan playboy Carlo Coriolano, the last baron of the once wealthy and powerful Santafusca clan. After squandering his inheritance, he is unable to support his taste for wine, women, cigars, and gambling. He is banned from his club and dependent on his loyal, long-suffering housekeeper for pocket change. And if he doesn’t soon repay a loan that he “borrowed” from an orphanage he administers, he’ll go to jail. But the baron of Santafusca hits upon a scheme that he thinks will neatly solve all of his problems: he will lure a greedy old priest, Don Cirillo, to his crumbling, mortgaged ancestral estate outside of Naples. The priest, who plans to buy the estate on the cheap from the desperate baron and then sell it at a huge personal profit to the archbishop of Naples, will be carrying a thick bundle of cash. The baron can kill him and dispose of the body on the grounds of his secluded villa. With the cash stolen from the priest, he can pay back his debt, stay out of jail, get his villa out of hock, and resume his life of elegant dissipation.

It’s no spoiler to say that he carries out his plan since, as in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment (1866), the murder takes place near the start of the story, and we know who done it. The suspense comes in Santafusca’s struggle to overcome his own fits of panic and dimly realized pangs of guilt and keep his sordid deed a secret.

Dostoevsky’s Raskolnikov kills to prove to himself that he is above the common man in intelligence and courage. The baron of Santafusca, however, has no doubt of his superiority. It entitles him to kill to save himself from penury and public humiliation. He shares his name, Coriolano — or Coriolanus in English — with an ancient Roman aristocratic general, famously portrayed by Shakespeare, who held the plebeian classes in contempt. But the baron’s minor mistakes and oversights threaten to undo his perfect crime — as does a certain sinister-looking hat that keeps popping up in the most inconvenient places.

De Marchi proposed The Priest’s Hat as something like a bet among the Milanese intelligentsia. Italian newspapers of the time printed highly popular novels in serial form as supplements. These were usually translations of crowd-pleasing English or French novels and were considered lowbrow trash by Italy’s intellectuals.

In his brief forward to the novel’s publication in book form in 1888, De Marchi writes that “This is not at all an experimental novel, but an experiment with a novel, and should be taken as such.” He gives two reasons for writing it: firstly, to show that one needn’t go to France for a decent serialized novel “of moral benefit and common sense,” and that instead “we” (Italians) could “look to ourselves” for such a work; secondly, to show that the taste of the Italian reading public was being underestimated and underserved by the large Italian dailies and was deserving of a work of “vitality and honesty and reason.” He concludes his remarks by stating, “L’arte è cosa divina; ma non è male di tanto in tanto scrivere anche per i lettori.” — Art is a thing divine; but it doesn’t hurt, once in a while, to write something for the readers, too.

Thus he wrote this story for you, and my collaborator Cinzia Russi and I hope you enjoy it as much as we have.


[1] For the facts related to the writing and initial publication of The Priest’s Hat, I rely heavily on Renzo Cremante’s excellent introduction to the BUR classici moderni edition of Il cappello del prete (Milan: RCS Libri S.p.A., 2015).

[2] Emilio De Marchi,  The Priest’s Hat, translation by F.A.Y. Brown (London: Heath Cranton Ltd., 1935).

Georgia Chain Gang Song (Twelve Thousand Votes)

Lyrics copyright © Steve Eaton 2023

(Editor’s note: once more we receive a dispatch from our Near Future desk correspondent. Searching the backwaters of the Deep South for authentic American folk songs, our reporter encountered, one hot July morning in 2024, a work gang from the Georgia state prison farm driving railroad spikes. Leading the crew in song was a large convict in a prison jump suit and long red tie. Our correspondent recorded his song.)

Well back in 2020 (hah!)

Just past election day (huh!)

In the southern state of Georgia (hah!)

Votin’ didn’t go my way (huh!)

I said to my boy Meadows (hah!)

Please put me on the line (huh!)

Cause I got to talk to Georgia (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

So I said to Raffensperger (hah!)

Here’s what I need from you! (huh!)

Search evr’y nook and cranny (hah!)

Do what you gotta do! (huh!)

You can find ‘em in the trash can (hah!)

You can pull ‘em out your ass (huh!)

Get me 12 thousand votes, boy (hah!)

And you better do it fast! (huh!)

Raffensperger done told me (hah!)

Man you must a lost your mind! (huh!)

It ain’t no easy job man (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

12 thousand votes are needed (hah!)

Ain’t got a single one! (huh!)

Cause the people down in Georgia (hah!)

Prefer the other one! (huh!)

Now three years later (hah!)

You know it makes me sad (huh!)

But a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

She went and made me mad! (huh!)

Way down in Fulton County (hah!)

Down Atlanta way (huh!)

Name of Fani Willis (hah!)

Said I have to pay! (huh!)

So if you’re ever down in Georgia (hah!)

Better take my advice (huh!)

Don’t go fixin’ no election (hah!)

Better treat your country nice! (huh!)

Cause a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

Fani Willis is her name (huh!)

Gonna put you on the chain gang (hah!)

Forever and a day! (huh!)

7 Supreme Court Decisions We’ll Never See but Wish We Would

In a 9-0 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down the 2023 Oscar award for Best Picture. “Everything Everywhere All at Once was modestly entertaining, we admit that,” the unsigned opinion holds. “But better than Tár and Women Talking? Now that’s an injustice!”

In a unanimous decision, the court upheld prison terms for people who pronounce “important” as “impor-unt.” The unanimous decision held that “linguistic tics are not protected by the First Amendment if this court finds them really irritating.”

In a unanimous decision, the court held that Donald Trump “really and truly lost the 2020 election.” “True, no one asked us,” Chief Justice Roberts wrote for the majority, “but I mean really, come on now!”

In a 7-2 decision, the court held that “Supreme Court justices must not accept really expensive stuff from rich guys.” In a sharply worded dissenting opinion, justice Alito asked, “What are you picking on me for?” In a separate opinion, justice Thomas indicated that Ginni’s annual fruitcakes for his colleagues, actually prepared by La Boulangerie François de Paris, « might not be forthcoming this holiday season », suggesting « let them eat cake from Costco.»

In a unanimous decision, SCOTUS prohibits self-checkout stations nationwide as “cruel and unusual punishment.” “How in the hell can a consumer be reasonably expected to remember the QR code for bok choy? Oh yeah, and then I have to wait for a ‘manager’ to ‘verify’ that I’m ‘old enough’ to buy a bottle of merlot,” states a visibly agitated justice Kagan, making liberal use of air quotes as she dictates the majority decision.

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court designates January 15, National Bagel Day, as a federal holiday. “The court recognizes that the right to introduce new federal holidays is normally reserved to the executive branch,” wrote justice Amy Coney Barrett for the majority. “But we checked and we balanced, baby, and we decided that what this country really needs is lox, capers, and a shmear on poppyseed!”

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court names Merrick Garland as its 10th justice. In writing for the majority, justice Neil Gorsuch states, “you don’t need a PhD in philosophy from Oxford University and a Harvard law degree, like I have, to know that what Mitch Mcconnell did to slow-walk Merrick is just gol-dang wrong!”