10 Things We Could Care Less About, 2020 Edition

1. “March Madness” (again). Do we really have to go through this every year?

2. The 40th anniversary of “The Miracle on Ice.” I think it’s something to do with hockey.

3. The Democratic primaries. Just go ahead already and pick the one I’m going to vote for in November. Or not, since I’m a Democrat in Texas and my vote won’t matter.*

4. The lack of affordable housing in the Bay area. So?

5. Whether or not Harry and Megan get to use the word “royal.” By the way, if things get tight you two are welcome to stop by the Garden any time for a sandwich and a beer, on me.

6. Don’t remember what the sixth thing was.

7. That thing on my foot, unless it gets infected.

8. “Electability”. 2016 erased any meaningful definition of the word.

9. Medicare For All vs. expanded Obamacare. I’m cool with either one, really. Let’s focus on the real problem (hint: it looks like 250 lbs. of fresh pork roast wearing a long red tie).

10. Where Tom Brady ends up. I should care…why?

* Though it should be Elizabeth Warren. She gets things done and she knows how to fight.

OUR SOLUTION FOR #OSCARSSOWHITE

Cast the best actor, not the race

Movies like “1917,” “The Irishman,” and “Ford v Ferrari” have all used their historical settings as a shield to deflect diversity critiques. – Aisha Harris, in an editorial in the New York Times, Feb. 6 2020

Human beings are strange animals. We’re the only species that loves to tell itself stories. And, being the unevolved species that we are, the story-tellers prefer to tell stories about themselves, or more usually, mythologized versions of themselves. For example, white male film producers, directors and actors just love to tell stories about super-duper white males. Even when they are telling a story about a black person, it’s usually really about a white person. Yes, I mean Green Book.

Hollywood’s ingrained exclusion of minorities is wrong, and effectively suppresses an enormous supply of great talent. But we wouldn’t want to live in a world without Once Upon a Time in…Hollywood. So here is a solution that will allow us to have our inclusion cake and eat our great entertainment, too.

Cast the best actor, not the (supposedly) appropriate race.

For example, why not cast Ford v Ferrari with Chiwetel Ejiofor and Chadwick Boseman instead of Matt Damon and Christian Bale?

“But then,” you say, “it wouldn’t be real.”

Oh, right. Reality.

When we’re watching Ford v Ferrari (so goes this line of thinking) we’re capable of forgetting that we’re sitting in a movie theater or a living-room couch, watching a digitally contrived recording of professional actors wearing silly costumes, speaking lines written by someone else. We can mentally block the experience of having seen these same actors, who now portray “real” people, perform the parts of Jason Bourne and Batman, among many others. Yes, we can delude ourselves into believing that somehow we are watching a live-stream reality show that is able to reach back in time to 1966.

We can do all this, and yet our suspension of disbelief is so fragile that the whole experience will be ruined if one of the lead actors happens to be black!

Oh really? Did the Greeks of Sophocles’ time grumble on their way home from the theater, “I hated that Electra! The real Electra didn’t go around wearing a mask!” Did the Elizabethan audience of Hamlet walk out midway through the performance, muttering, “The whole thing was so stupid! Everyone knows Ophelia was a girl!” No, and no.

Yet today we follow the silly and arbitrary convention that if a movie is about a real or imagined person of gender A and skin tone B, then the actor must be the same. What does that convention really do to enhance our movie-going experience? Nothing.

And once that convention is broken, all sorts of wonderful possibilities emerge. Samuel L. Jackson and Denzel Washington would have crushed the parts of Frank Sheeran and Jimmy Hoffa in The Irishman. And if it bothers anyone, they can damn well just pretend the actors are “white.” It’s no harder than pretending that the man you once pretended was Michael Corleone is now James Hoffa.

And why stop with racial correctness? I for one would pay green money to see a Once Upon a Time in…Hollywood headlined by Whoopi Goldberg and Awkwafina.

And don’t get me started on Little Women. I’m thinking John Lithgow, Rupaul, Nathan Lane, and Chris Tucker. And that’s just the girls!

10 HEADLINES WE’D LOVE TO SEE

It could happen!

REFLECTING ON LATEST DISASTERS, TRUMP DECLARES, “I AM SO SORRY.” “I’m only human,” the president adds

SCHOOLCHILDREN CONFUSED BY TEXTBOOKS ON 21st CENTURY HISTORY “What did they mean by ‘a black person’ or ‘a white person’?” they ask

DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY CLASSIFIES THE N.R.A. “TERRORIST ORGANIZATION” “Our investigation uncovered an obsession with guns,” observes director

REPUBLICANS PASS MAJOR CLIMATE-CHANGE REFORM BILL “We can’t enjoy our wealth if we’re getting roasted alive,” explains Senate majority leader

APPLE, SAMSUNG DECLARE BANKRUPTCY Device manufacturers struggle to stay relevant as books, newspapers, movie theaters enjoy renewed popularity

‘MADAME BOVARY’ TOPS NY TIMES BESTSELLER LIST FOR RECORD 100th WEEK Says fan, “I can’t believe it’s been here all this time, it’s so much better than the crap they put out today”

ISRAEL, PALESTINIANS AGREE ON VIABLE TWO-STATE SOLUTION, ENDING DECADES OF VIOLENCE “All we had to do is start acting like responsible grown-ups,” says negotiator

USC ANNOUNCES $10B STATE-OF-THE-ART ENGLISH DEPARTMENT “The world has enough doctors and quarterbacks,” says chancellor, “what we need now are more poets”

GARDEN OF EATON WINS BEST-BLOG PULITZER “Huffington Shmuffington” says judge

WARREN BEATS TRUMP 100,000,000 TO 1 “I must have checked the wrong box,” laments Ohio man, “I don’t see too good”