President Trump said on Tuesday that he wanted to reopen the country for business by this coming Easter Sunday, despite widespread warnings from public health experts that the worst effects of the coronavirus were still weeks away and that lifting the restrictions now in place would result in unnecessary deaths. – New York Times, March 24 2020
WASHINGTON, APRIL 20 2020
The White House announced this morning that as of 12:01 A.M. today the Coronavirus has been eradicated.
Ecstatic Americans greeted the news by emerging from their homes and indulging in joyful orgies of face-touching, handshaking, church-packing, massive consumption of non-essential goods and services, and unapologetic elbowless coughing in crowded public spaces.
“I’m an American,” declared Dwayne of Ohio. “You can’t tell me how and where I can cough.”
Though no longer infected, hundreds of thousands of patients suffering from its lingering effects continue to recover in Trump hotels and resorts, generously leased to the government at market rates. “We’ll care for them as long as necessary,” vowed the president, “if not longer.”
The scientific community was stunned to discover that the president’s March prediction/suggestion that the nation would safely “pack the churches” on Easter Sunday came true. Dr. Anthony Fauci, on a temporary leave of absence, could not be reached at the vacation home he shares with journalist Jonathan Karl and former presidential candidate Joseph Biden in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
President Trump was pressed to reveal how he knew the virus would spontaneously disappear on Easter Sunday morning.
“It’s very complicated,” he explained, “very…sciency. But you’ll know everything very soon. I’m writing a paper about it for the New England Journal of Medicine. If you don’t know, that’s a very classy, very top magazine for doctors. It doesn’t even have ads. It’ll be out as soon as the peer review crap gets taken care of. Along with my tax returns. [cough] Excuse me, there’s my allergy again.”
But a draft of the president’s paper, leaked to the Garden, tells the story. The virus was caused by a “perfect storm,” Trump writes, “of Chinese mischief, liberal media hype, and grasping blue-state governors.” But why did it abruptly disappear? The virus never reckoned on the president’s unmatched powers of magical thinking. “What a great thing it would be, I thought, if we all woke up on Easter morning and everything was normal. I thought that, really hard, and now it’s true. It’s so, so simple.” concluded the president’s monograph.
Media pundits across the political spectrum, from Fox News to the National Review, all agreed that the sudden national wellness all but assured the president another term, if not two or three. “This’ll shut up the president’s critics,” opined Sean Hannity. “Though if not, there are other ways.”
First of all, a big virtual hug (the only kind CDC guidelines allow) to all our loyal readers out there. We love you and hope you are all safe and sound. And a heartfelt shout out to the farmworkers, grocery clerks, truck drivers, restaurant workers, and others who are (let’s be honest) out there risking their health for a few pennies, to keep life bearable for the rest of us.
Watching the daily clown-show (and it’s a scary clown, at that) known as the “White House Press Briefing,” it’s becoming more evident to me that we, the American people, are on our own. As awful as things are in New York State, New Yorkers at least have the comfort of seeing a guy in charge who is smart and responsible. But here in Texas, rather than a governor who is concerned only with keeping his people alive and healthy, we have someone whose reaction is, “how can we use this catastrophe to make life even harder than it already is for a woman who decides to terminate her pregnancy?” And as for the guy at the top…well, we’re in great shape if all we need is wishful thinking, a cheery sales pitch, and other people to blame. I’m not counting on it.
That leaves the primary task of keeping ourselves safe to…ourselves. And an interesting mental exercise I’ve been playing with lately consists of listing all the things I need or want to do besides staying at home…and asking myself…
IS IT TO DIE FOR? (Allowed responses: YES, NO, or IT’S COMPLICATED)
DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE NOT RECOMMENDATIONS…you’ll have to decide for yourself what’s ‘worth it’!
TOILET PAPER: YES. Though I don’t need to have closetfuls of it. And if it comes to it…we still have enough old copies of the Austin-American Statesman to do us for a while. (Note to self: New condition for the new world—‘Inky Bum’)
GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE: YES. A guy’s gotta eat. And the delivery services in my neighborhood are backed up. But let’s make a list first, keep it quick, and get a little extra so we don’t have to go so often. That’s a little extra, folks. Leave some queso and popcorn for the next guy.
GETTING TAKEOUT FOR LUNCH EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE STILL LEFTOVERS IN THE FREEZER: YES, if the place is doing a reasonable job of keeping customers and workers separate from themselves and each other. It’s a risk but one I’m willing to take a couple of times a week.
ROCKY ROAD ICE CREAM AND PLANTERS’ CHEESE BALLS: IT’S COMPLICATED. Hard to defend as justifying a separate trip to the store, or even extending the trip for ‘basics’ by a few minutes (and a few additional ‘close encounters’) for things that not only don’t improve one’s health or safety but are actually bad for you. But if this business goes on for months…we gotta have something to look forward to!
PICKING UP A FEW THINGS AT THE SUPERMARKET FOR THE ELDERLY NEIGHBOR WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR. YES. No contest. Do we really need to say it?
GETTING THE OIL CHANGED AND TIRES ROTATED: NO. Obviously! It can wait. Yet for some reason our neighborhood quickie lube is still packed with cars. Are you crazy, people? Or just stupid? Don’t know yet about state inspections though….
FILLING UP THE CAR: YES. If the apocalypse does come, I want to be fueled up and ready to go. Just haven’t figured out where. Krum? Pflugerville? Where is someplace no one else would want to be? Maybe Dalworthington Gardens. (Get it? It’s in between Dallas, Ft. Worth, and Arlington, and it’s like a garden! But have you ever driven through it? I have. Enough said. I digress.*) More importantly, it seems like the risk involved in getting gas is low. Plus…it’s below a buck-eighty now…who can resist?
GETTING A HAIRCUT: NO. Hell no. I’ll take shaggy over dead.
WINE AND BEER: IT’S COMPLICATED. I’m not a big drinker, but there’s psychological comfort in have a few bottles under the sink. And psychological comfort counts.
GETTING MY TEETH CLEANED: NO. I brush. I floss. It can wait. Academic at this point anyway.
HAVING A BEER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD BAR: NO. It’s academic anyway. There are no neighborhood bars in my part of Austin, unless you count ‘lounge areas’ within restaurants, with enormous TV screens and loud music, which I don’t. No bars the way I remember them from my misspent youth in Hyde Park: places where people went to share a pitcher and talk with friends, or to just sit at the bar with a pile of crumpled bills for the bartender to deduct from each time your beer glass was wordlessly refilled. Ah those were the days. But even if there were such a place nearby (which would be fantastic), it would be shut down after tonight, according to the shelter-in-place order. And even if there weren’t such an order…not now.
VISIT TO THE PUBLIC LIBRARY OR BOOKSTORE: IT’S COMPLICATED. I might go once, and stock the hell up. Life on pure Netflix and YouTube and etc. is really just not worth living. But e-Books are really good enough for now. I’m not a paper-book sentimentalist—It’s the message that counts, not the medium. Anyway it’s academic…the libraries at least are shut down.
GOING FOR A WALK: IT’S COMPLICATED. In the ‘hood, yes. The prettiest places—with narrow trails—unfortunately…no.
GIVING BLOOD: IT’S COMPLICATED. I believe it’s perfectly safe. I’m also a coward who hates needles. Just give me some time.
BUYING A GUN: NO. No way! Not my thing. And so far as I have been able to determine, shooting the virus doesn’t work. But the Garden is in the middle of a part of the country where folks will swamp the gun store at the slightest provocation. If an African-American is elected president, if there is a whisper of a rumor of background checks, if ‘bump stocks’ might be banned, if the “gun show loophole” might be closed, if there is a thunderstorm in the forecast, if a coyote eats someone’s cat, there is a mad rush to the weekend gun show to buy a gun. Or more typically, another gun. We almost hope** to be reading someday soon about someone who got infected because they went to a gun show to protect themselves against…sick neighbors.
ACQUIRING A SPRING WARDROBE: NO. “Old T-shirt” is the new black.
VOTING: IT’S COMPLICATED. If my House district (Mike McCaul) has a fighting chance of turning blue in November, then…yes, definitely. You’re welcome, Millennial
*no offense intended to the fine people of Dalworthington Gardens, Texas
As a public service, we suggest creative ways to make time fly.
Heat up the can of lima beans that’s been sitting at the back of the pantry shelf since 1st Obama.
Enjoy the lima beans while fantasizing that we’re back in 1st Obama.
Watch the 3rd season of Babylon Berlin in one glorious day.
Invent new cocktails that use whatever’s sitting under the sink. Like a Drambuie Beet Consommé Fizz.
Peek-Out-The-Front-Window games: Which Tree Will That Bird Fly To Next? Is That Amazon Truck Bringing Something For Me? Is That Neighbor Going To Clean Up After Her Dog Or Just Walk Away?
Set a new personal record for not checking your Facebook. (7 min 12 sec)
Watch the 3rd season of Babylon Berlin one more time so you totally get everything.
Start writing down the novel you’ve been writing in your head since your sophomore year of high school. The one where you only needed two weeks away from work for it to be a best-seller.
After 1½ pages, realize with equal parts disappointment and relief that you’re not a novelist.
Browse through the collection of all the DVDs you ever bought from the Wal-Mart $5 bin, looking for anything that doesn’t make you groan on sight.
Fail the attempt but watch the Sylvester Stallone Gold Collection for seven hours anyway.
“North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.”—President Donald Trump, August 8 2017
The White House had announced early Friday that Trump’s trip to the CDC was canceled because of concern about a possible infection there, but that person tested negative and Trump ended up going after all.—The New York Times, March 6 2020
ON NORTH KOREA
North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never…GAAACK! GET THAT OFF ME! Was that a spider? I think it was a spider! Who let it in here? [To Secret Service detail] Is it still alive? You killed it, right? —August 8, 2017
ON IRAN
If Iran strikes any Americans, or American assets, we have targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very high level & important to Iran & the Iranian culture, and those targets, and Iran itself, will be hit very fast and…jeeSUS YOU SCARED THE [REDACTED] OUT OF ME, PENCE! How long have you been standing there?—January 4, 2020
ON POSSIBLE U.S. MILITARY INTERVENTION IN VENEZUELA
Certainly, it’s something that’s on the…EEWWW, is that something on my fork? I think I’m going to throw up!—February 3, 2019
The Garden of Eaton 