Emergency Call

911? I

Need help!

A man just tried

To buy some cigarettes

With a fake twenty-dollar bill I think. He’s kind of big

And black.

No, he’s in his car but he might come back

At any moment. I think

That he’s been drinking

Or something. No he doesn’t have a gun but he

Was laughing pretty loud, you know? Did I mention

That he’s African

American, and pretty big? You might

Want to send more people. I’m so frightened

I can hardly breathe.

On the Pandemacademy

Our thoughts on virtual higher learning

Over the past month or so it’s begun to sink into my thick skull that life after Covid-19 (which may not after all arrive for many months yet) is not going to be like it was before, nor is it just going to be like-before-with-masks, or like-before-with-masks-and-without-hugs. I’m afraid it’s going to be fundamentally different, for a very long time and perhaps permanently.

I’m skeptical that brick-and-mortar businesses like bookstores and diners and shopping malls will ever be restored to anything like their pre-pandemic levels. Many of the few remaining Luddites who felt uncomfortable buying things that they couldn’t first see and touch will have gotten over that discomfort—and gotten used to the ease of ordered underwear and light bulbs from their living room couches. Many people will discover that what they cook in their kitchen is actually pretty damn good, and what they were eating in restaurants tastes even better in the safety of their homes.

A particular aspect of American life and culture that I’ve been wondering about is the university. What will become of the great state and private campuses, campuses that become small (or not so small) cities every year from September to May? What will become of the dining halls, the dormitories, the auditoriums? The gigantic high-rise libraries that students have already started to use mainly as wi-fi hotspots with comfy chairs? What will become of the university community—the clubs and cafes and apartment blocks peopled with students and staff and faculty? I grew up in university towns (Urbana, Illinois, and Denton, Texas), and what made those towns worth living in were all the smart, weird, provocative, eccentric, devoted people who arrived there from all over the country and all over the world.

Austin without UT-Austin would just be a big, congested Texas city with a lot of software engineers and mostly Republican state legislators. Now there’s a horrifying thought.

But more importantly, what will become of the classrooms, and of the activity that normally takes place within them?

There is noise around town is that the enormous University of Texas campus will open with live classes in the fall, and close before Thanksgiving, with any post-Thanksgiving classes and tests taking place virtually. I hope that can happen, and happen safely, but I think it’s an optimistic scenario, considering where the country and the state are at right now. Texas now stands at roughly 1,000 new cases and 25 deaths per day, according to the New York Times. The rate of new cases has started to fall in just the past few days, but then we don’t yet know the effects of the current “reopening.” And the idea of bringing massive numbers of young people from all over the world together here in September could be a recipe for disaster.

If the regents deem it safe enough and can solve (or explain away) difficult problems such as housing tens of thousands of students in a safe, healthy way, will the students come back? Will their parents who are footing the bill let them?

I think many students want to come back. I audited an undergraduate French language course that, like classes in general, was live up through Spring break, and then taught through Zoom for the remainder of the semester. UT, and my instructor, did an impressive job of switching to virtual teaching midway through the semester. The technology, and its application, worked pretty damn well. The material was the same, the homework was the same, the lectures and lesson plans were the same, even the “breakouts” where students are grouped in twos or threes within the class for a few minutes for discussion or exercises were the same. Or perhaps even better, since Zoom created the breakout groups automatically, obviating the somewhat awkward process of letting students form their own.  Yet when the teacher asked the students one day how they liked virtual learning as opposed to the old way, the response was mostly negative. The verb “suck” was used liberally. Also the attendance, which had been close to full before, dropped sharply after Zoom was instituted. Several factors contributed to the drop in attendance, but why wouldn’t class attendance be higher when all you have to do is roll out of (or just sit up in) bed to join in?  I think the reason is that live classes are for some reason just more fun.

But who knows what students will do, especially if UT offers virtual attendance as an alternative to anyone who wants it? Just think how much cheaper a degree from a first-class university would be if you didn’t have to leave home to acquire it.

My fear is that colleges and universities will die off and combine, and students will take advantage of virtual learning to create their own degree plans by picking and choosing the best (or cheapest or most convenient) classes and lecturers from a variety of schools. (Actually, as I write this, I have to admit that the idea makes a lot of sense.)

But does it really matter? Apart from laboratory or performing-arts classes, is there any essential value of physical proximity when people are just talking? Couldn’t Socrates have done his thing by himself under the olive tree, with a good wi-fi connection (note to self for future blog post)?

Of the three teachers I talked to about this half-live, half-virtual Spring 2020 semester, two felt that there was a connection made with and between the students in the first days of class. That connection carried over into the later, virtual class and helped to keep the students engaged. They didn’t think it was likely that a fresh new class starting out on Zoom would have that kind of connection.

As for me, there’s no question about it. (I’m not a teacher, by the way, and I’m technically not even a student. I’m just an auditor—the weird old guy who goes to class not because he needs the credits but because he actually enjoys it.) Zoom is just not the same, and it never will be. There is an excitement, a shared enjoyment of being in a room and having a discussion with smart people, and a teacher who knows her or his stuff and is passionate about it. If it’s Zoom or nothing then I will probably Zoom. But something important will be lost.

And if the UT campus is converted into the world’s biggest Amazon distribution center, or a parking lot, then Austin might not be worth living in any more. Do you have any idea how hot it gets down here?

In Which We Heal the Divide

We’ve become increasingly distressed at the sight of our neighbors turning against each other in this time of crisis.


On the one hand, some believe that it’s a good idea for everyone to wear masks, since that is a cheap and effective way to reduce the spread of microscopic airborne droplets containing the deadly virus.

On the other hand, some are demonstrating in front of state houses, brandishing assault rifles, claiming that the closing of tattoo parlors is a violation of their constitutional rights, and comparing their governors to Hitler.

To paraphrase our soldier-scientist-poet-prince president, we’re sure there are good people on both sides. We believe this situation is too grave to politicize. And to heal this divide that is tearing apart this great nation, we have a modest, non-partisan proposal that we believe will satisfy both sides.


We propose to designate two distinct areas of this country, and to give each person 30 days to decide which one to live in.


One area we’ll call, for the sake of argument, “Intellica”. Intellica might be a 200-mile-wide strip of territory along each coast, plus Austin, Texas. And Atlanta, since Intellicans actually like the CDC. We’ll give up Florida in exchange.


In Intellica, the lockdown will be in effect until the number of new cases per day approaches zero, with all of the unfortunate economic hardships that such a policy entails.


In the rest of the country, perhaps called “Covidia,” you can go bowling, get a massage, or go get plastered without the deep state interfering with your constitutional rights!! Vaccinations, which cause autism, will be prohibited. But unlimited quantities of sunshine, bleach, and hydrochloroquine will be made available, just in case the ‘scientists’ are right and it turns out that this corona thing is the real deal after all.

Fair enough? Can we shake hands on it?

Travel between Covidia and Intellica will be temporarily banned until the virus has been eliminated or has…died out, in both regions. So let’s get packing!

More Unsolicited Musings on the Current Unpleasantness

Oregano: the Universal Donor of the spice world.

If we had a president who combined the selflessness and courage of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.; the charisma of JFK and Michelle Obama; the quiet confidence of Abraham Lincoln and Barak Obama; the political know-how and arm-twisting ability of FDR and LBJ; the medical wisdom and determination of Florence Nightingale and Albert Schweitzer—if we had a president who combined all of these qualities, that person would still be facing a long, difficult and only partly successful effort to keep Americans healthy, hopeful, alive and fed.

And look who we got.

Speaking of our president, on April 3 last he said, “I think wearing a face mask as I greet presidents, prime ministers, dictators, kings, queens, I don’t know. Somehow, I don’t see it for myself.”

Actually, if he wants to hobnob face to maskless face with dictators, I’m surprisingly cool with it.

Maybe Boris “I shook hands with everybody, you will be pleased to know, and I continue to shake hands” Johnson will tell Donald Trump how much fun the ICU was. I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that one.

Reports of “Covid-19 parties,” in which people gather without protection, trying to become infected on purpose, reminds me of something a sociology professor said in a class I took many years ago. Human history records some cases, he informed us, of cultures that abstained from sex. Those cultures, he observed, aren’t around any more.

A more recent quote that stuck in my mind was that of an angry doctor in New York, saying that he would be a hero, but not a martyr. But the awful truth is that we already have too many unwilling martyrs. Dead doctors, nurses, slaughterhouse workers, policemen, and others. They are martyrs to our carelessness, complacency and cheapness. We owe it to them not to take foolish chances—and to expend the money and effort to be better prepared next time.

 Tonight I saw news footage of grown human beings ecstatically rushing into a just-reopened hair salon.  I confess I don’t quite get it. “It’s a tragedy, what happened to her,” I imagine the friends saying in about two weeks. “Yes, but her hair was fabulous!”

The proprietor’s viewpoint is easier to sympathize with. It’s one thing to tell a business owner, “You can reopen in a month.” Or, “You can reopen when the cases are steadily declining.” Or, “You can reopen when we can test everyone every week, which will happen on date X.” But how can you tell a business owner, “We don’t think it’s safe to reopen, and we don’t know when it will be, and we don’t know when we’ll be able to tell.”

Even if you are at home, and alone, and without any electronic devices or even books and magazines, Nature provides you with at least two safe and healthy ways to amuse yourself. And a nice nap is one of them.

At least I live in Texas. We spend the summer indoors anyway.

When it’s safe again, the first thing I want to do is see my brother and parents again. Then, Taiwan. Then, Italy.

Why are you yelling at the poor “associate”? Just put on the goddamned mask.

SWEET LAND OF RIBERTY

Artwork by Jonathan Eaton

Big meatpacking companies that have struggled to keep plants running during the coronavirus crisis said Wednesday that they welcomed President Donald Trump’s executive order requiring them to stay open, but unions, some employees and Democrats questioned whether workers could be kept safe. – NY Times, April 29 2020

THE OVAL OFFICE, DAILY CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE CONFERENCE

MIKE PENCE, VICE PRESIDENT AND HEAD OF THE WHITE HOUSE CORONA VIRUS TASK FORCE: We’re ready to present today’s report sir.

DONALD JOHN TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Hold on, Mike, Hannity’s on…ok, it’s a commercial now. Go.

PENCE: PPEs. We still have a shortage of masks, gowns and gloves.

TRUMP: So what am I supposed to do about it?

PENCE: Hospitals are short on ventilators.

TRUMP: Have I ever told anyone they can’t buy a ventilator?

PENCE: A vaccine is still 12-18 months out.

TRUMP: Has anyone tried my sunshine and bleach suggestion?

PENCE: Red-state governors are revoking stay-at-home orders even though their infection rates are holding steady or still climbing.

TRUMP: Up to them.

PENCE: Pork plants are shutting down due to high infection rates at the work sites.

TRUMP: Uh…

PENCE: On the economic front, the money that Congress approved to help small businesses has been sucked dry by big companies…

TRUMP: Wait, what?

PENCE: Yes, and now the lamestream media is acting like it’s a terrible misuse of public…

TRUMP: No, before that…

PENCE: The meat processing plants, sir. They’re shutting down.

TRUMP [SOFTLY]: Good God…[AUTHORITATIVELY] Just how bad is it, Mike?

PENCE: About 5000 workers are infected that we know of, and 20 have…well, they won’t be canning Spam any more, sir.

TRUMP: Sure, but we still have enough workers left over to keep pumping out the bacon, right?

ANTHONY FAUCI: mfffmmfff

TRUMP: Take off the mask, Tony. It makes you look stupid anyway. You see anyone else around here with a mask?

FAUCI: We would probably be better off as a country if we all ate a little less pork. Obesity and heart disease are two major underlying conditions…

TRUMP: Let me ask you something, Tony. You went to medical school and all. What is a bacon cheeseburger without the bacon?

FAUCI: Uh…a cheeseburger?

TRUMP: Exactly. Just a cheeseburger. Mike, what would a McRib be without the McRib?

PENCE: Just sauce on a bun, sir. And maybe some pickles.

TRUMP: Just sauce on a bun. What kind of American eats sauce on a bun? Not the kind who votes for me.

FAUCI: If we reopen the factories now, we’re just going to have more sick and dying workers….

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY KAYLEIGH MCENANY: So you want to take jobs away from hardworking families in the heartland?

TRUMP: Oh, that’s good, Kayleigh!

FAUCI: Well if you think about it, it costs so much to treat someone for COVID that even if we pay the meat plants and workers NOT to operate, we’d save money overall…

TRUMP: That’s interesting Tony. You’re fired.

FAUCI: So can I put my mask back on now?