Editor’s note: Once again we receive a report from our intrepid correspondent at the Near Future desk, covering events in late 2020 and early 2021. Due to the quantum quirks of reporting from the future, we cannot determine with absolute certainty whether the events here transpire in our universe-to-be or in a slightly different alternative cosmos. Some researchers believe that it is “up to us.”

11/2/2020: President Donald Trump cancels the 2020 presidential election via executive tweet: “why waste Taxpayer Dollars on a RIGGED ELECTION? SPACE FORCE! COVFEFE!” Senator Mitt Romney (R-Utah) expresses “concern.”

11/3/2020: Americans appear at the polls in record numbers despite the executive order. Challenger Joseph Biden wins the election for President of the United States by a landslide, defeating the incumbent by over 20 points and winning in every state except Kansas. What’s the matter with Kansas?

11/6/2020: Though refusing to recognize the election, as a gesture of goodwill Trump invites Biden to lunch at the White House, during which Biden spontaneously vanishes. “We got distracted for a minute and he just kind of wandered off,” states his Secret Service detail. Trump tweets, “This means I WIN!!” VP-elect Kamala Harris flees to Canada.

11/7/2020: The U.S. Justice Department appeals the election to the Supreme Court. “Friend of the court” constitutional expert John Yoo argues that “a sitting president cannot be dis-elected except by himself.” The court agrees in a 6-3 decision. Writing for the majority, newly appointed justice Amy Coney Barrett, in her first opinion, comments, “This is so awesome, we get to choose the president! The system works! YAY!!”

11/8/2020: As dangerous radical protesters gather outside the Supreme Court, U.S. Attorney General William Barr places justices Sotomayor, Kagan and Breyer under Federal detention at an undisclosed location “for their own protection.” Romney: “This is inappropriate.”

11/9/2020 The New York Times reports sightings of “an elderly gentleman with silver hair and aviator sunglasses” in a cage on Guantanamo Bay.

11/10/2020 The Department of Homeland Security shuts down the New York Times “out of concern for its safety.” Romney: “The optics here leave something to be desired.”

11/11/2020 Kamala Harris, broadcasting from Montreal in English and French, calls on the American people to “rise like blades of grass on the beaches of Normandy” to reclaim their liberty.

11/12/2020 In a unanimous 6-0 decision, the Supreme Court declares the Constitution of the United States “fundamentally unconstitutional” and dissolves itself.

11/13/2020 The Food and Drug Administration approves a COVID-19 vaccine developed and tested by Kushner Labs Inc. The U.S. government immediately purchases its entire $100B stock of injections. Romney: “There may be the appearance of impropriety.”

11/14/2020 Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin hold a joint news conference to announce that their two nations are merging into a new country called “The Incredibly Free and Democratic State of Russiamerica.” Trump will be “superpresident for life” of the new meganation while Putin will stay on as “an informal advisor.” As part of the agreement, Russia gets the Ukraine, while Putin sends some very reasonable guys over to Deutsche Bank to settle some outstanding loans.

11/15/2020 Hillary Clinton is arrested by the Justice Department for operating a child sex-trafficking ring out of a pizza parlor in Georgetown. “The evidence is overwhelming,” says William Barr, “the GRU really did its job!”

11/16/2020 Trump schedules an address to a joint session of Congress but secretly advises Republicans not to attend. When the Democratic legislators try to leave they discover they’ve been locked inside the capitol. “Quit whining!” tweets Trump, “I made sure you got plenty of free Bottled Water and delicious Power Bars!”

11/17/2020 Melania files for divorce and flees with Barron to Slovenia. “Good luck America, be best!” she tells reporters as she enplanes.

11/19/2020 Trump reaches out to minorities by declaring white as the official color of the United States.

11/23/2020 The White House declares that COVID has been eradicated. Homeland Security officers detain Dr. Anthony Fauci “for his own protection.”

11/26/2020 Trump orders Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Clinton, Oklahoma, and St. Joseph, Missouri to be renamed Trumpburg, Trump, and St. Donald, respectively

11/28/2020 Citing “erratic behavior” on the President’s part, Vladimir Putin puts Trump under golf-resort arrest for “health reasons.” Exxon and Gazprom merge. Mike Pence states he is “totally on board with the new management.” Mitt Romney expresses “concern,” then falls ill after touching a doorknob with his bare hands.

11/29/2020 A force consisting of loyal units of Navy Seals, U.S. Army Special Forces, BLM protesters, League of Women Voter volunteers, out-of-work indie rock bands from Austin, Texas, and the Greater Portland, Oregon Area Girl Scout Council, under the direction of General Kamala Harris, rescue Joe Biden, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, the staff of The New York Times and the Democratic legislature. Vladimir Putin is detained and Donald Trump is released from golf-resort arrest. The full Supreme Court is reinstated (but with Merrick Garland instead of Neil Gorsuch, like it was supposed to be in the first place).

11/30 Mike Pence’s true identity as a green-bean casserole is revealed.  

1/20/2021 Joseph Biden Jr. is sworn into office as the President of the United States by Justice Elena Kagan. In his inauguration speech he promises to work with both parties to restore jobs and combat the continuing Covid plague. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: “You wish.” Tucker Carlson (Fox News): “WELCOME TO THE NEW SOCIALIST NIGHTMARE!”

1/21/2021 The U.S. Park Police answer a call about a suspicious person loitering on the White House grounds, removing a trespasser described as “tall, heavyset, with a long red tie and a heavily painted face.” After being checked for rabies he is released unharmed at a nearby golf resort.