The Trajectory to Hell…

…is plotted with good intentions

DART is a planetary defense-driven test of technologies for preventing an impact of Earth by a hazardous asteroid. DART will be the first demonstration of the kinetic impactor technique to change the motion of an asteroid in space….DART is a spacecraft designed to impact an asteroid as a test of technology. DART’s target asteroid is NOT a threat to Earth.—NASA website

[A NASA LAB SOMEWHERE IN CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA]

SCIENTIST 1: And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

SCIENTIST 2: BAM!

S1: [expletive] YEAH!

S2: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

S1: Did that seem a little early to you?

S2: Early?

S1: Like, I was going to go, “3, 2, 1, impact!” That would have been so cool! But the thingy went boom as I was saying “1”…

S2: Who cares! It went boom, didn’t it?

S1: Sure, but just the tiniest miscalculation…

S2: I checked everything twice! Look…[riffles through some notebooks] Oh, Jesus H. Chuck Yeager….

S1: What?

S2: I forgot to carry the one…

S1: That’s what happens when you’re flipped out on Red Bull all day…

S1: So what? After 10 months, 6.8 million miles, and $324 million dollars of taxpayer’s money our doohickey smashed into a cold dead harmless rock in the outer reaches of space like it was supposed to, didn’t it? So let’s quit our whining and get to work on the moon base!

S2: Is it diverging?

S1: Is it what?

S2: Dimorphos…is it diverging off its previous trajectory?

S1: Of course it’s diverging off its previous trajectory! It has to diverge off its previous directory! Let me ask the accompanying Italian photographic satellite* if it’s diverging off its previous trajectory…[enters commands into the computer]. Ok, it says, “Mi dispiace, signori, ma la piccola pietra non cambia corso.” Oh, that’s sweet!

S2: What’s it mean?

S1: Well the answer is “no,” but it puts it very nicely…

S2: Well [expletive], there goes my annual review…I’ll be lucky to get a job designing space bidets for Elon Musk…

S1: [gazing at the monitor] Wait…it’s diverging!

S2: It’s diverging!

S1: [enters some calculations] Uh oh!

S2: Uh oh?

S1: Uh, heh heh, you know, designing space bidets for Elon Musk might not be such a bad gig…especially if you can hitch a ride to Mars…

S2: You mean…

S1: Looks like Dimorphos isn’t exactly headed away from earth, if you see what I mean…

S2: So…

S1: So I wouldn’t go investing, say, in any long term CDs!

S2: Where precisely is the impact going to be?

S1: Let’s see…northern hemisphere

S2: Oh boy

S1: North America…south eastern United States

S2: Wouldn’t ya know…

S1: Florida…

S2: And I just got the kitchen remodeled…

S1: Do you know this place called “Mar-A-Lago”?

S2: [brightening] 324 mil…well spent!

*LICIACube

Thanksgiving 2021: 10 Things We’re Grateful For

10 People and Things We’re Grateful For

in loosely descending order

1. The late Capitol police officer Brian Sicknick, who died on January 6 of this year after giving his life to keep this democracy of ours afloat.

2. The American people, for putting Joe Biden in the White House. I know it’s only until the Trumptatorship returns for good in 2024, but Christ, I needed the break.

3. The 12 good citizens of Glynn County, Georgia, for their courage and common sense in sending Ahmaud Arbery’s killers to jail, we hope for a long, long time. And we’re grateful to Arbery’s family too, for putting in the hard fight to even get the case to be taken seriously by our justice system.

4. Donald John Trump and anyone else who had a hand in creating Operation Warp Speed. We might not be here writing this silly blog if it hadn’t been for that monumental effort to create vaccines in record time.

5. Nancy Pelosi. That lady knows how to get things done.

6. Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Amazon Prime, and anyone else who had a hand in getting Fleabag on my TV screen. That is one funny, disturbing, and disturbingly funny show.

7. Italy, for hanging in there. We’ll meet again, I promise.

8. The Republic of China (also known as Taiwan), for dealing with COVID and a certain psychopathic sibling, all while maintaining a robust, argumentative democracy. We’ll meet again, I promise.

9. John Banville, for giving me some decent things to read over the past couple of years.

10. You, dear reader, for caring enough to read these trifles. Keep it up!

Why Can’t We Have Easy Answers to Tough Questions?

In this Era of Clickbait, serious journalists and columnists are desperately trying to hang on to distracted, impatient readers through the ruse of titling their long, boring articles and essays with an intriguing question. The problem with this approach is that the reader is fooled into reading a long, boring article or essay in order to get to the answer, which often turns out to be the equivalent of “it’s complicated” or “it depends” or “there is no easy answer.” So as a service to our readers, we list actual recent question-headlines and give you quick, uncomplicated answers to slow, complicated questions. As always, you’re welcome!

Question: Who’s to Blame for Rising Prices?

Answer: Not me, I swear to God!

Question: What’s the Future of Outdoor Dining in New York?

Answer: Cold, very cold.

Question: Is There Such a Thing as Traveler’s Constipation?

Answer: Oh yes!

Question: Why is China Building Up Its Nuclear Arsenal?

Answer: Cause they wanna be like us!

Question: Can the U.S. and China work together?

Answer: Sure, as long as they admit they started it.

Question: Can Reaganism Rise Again?

Answer: Not while Donald Trump’s mouth is alive and well!