Month: August 2022

Golden Tweets of the Ages

Many of you have been expressing fear that, with the dominance of instant electronic communication, the age of literacy–of poetry and novels and rhetorical eloquence–is coming to a tragic end. We have good news. Our Alternate Universe correspondent has found a world identical to ours, except for the fact that its inhabitants invented the Internet more than 2000 years before we did. As you can see, the events of this world, and its literary legacy, have not suffered at all from the absence of long-form expression….

Julius Caesar, Tweet to Roman Senate after conquering Persia (46 B.C.)

I CAME I SAW I CONCORD

Jesus Christ, SMS to the apostle Peter (early 1st century A.D.)

Dude U R such a hard a@@ Ima build my church on it rofl!!

Dante Alighieri, opening Tweet of serial poem Inferno (1300)

Totally lost n the 4est! Google Maps suks!!

Alexis de Tocqueville, YELP review of America (1835)

OK the democracy part is pretty awesome but I have to take off a star for the food. They put ketchup on everything! Um…why?

Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Tweet (1863)

AWESOME JOB GUYS!! Guys?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s inaugural Tweet (1933)

U got nothin 2 fear BUT fear lol!

Dr. Martin Luther King, YELP review of the Birmingham city jail (1963)

My friends & I were looking for a place to hang out until arraignment and saw this place, it had a small-town retro vibe plus someone told us it’s where the locals go so we decided to give it a try. MISTAKE!!  The cell was FILTHY and all they had on the menu was the cold baloney sandwich and skim milk combo. Really?! The staff acted like total fascists! Never coming back!!

President Lyndon Johnson’s announcement on Twitter re: 1968 re-election bid

LBJ OUT

More Real Conspiracies Revealed!

The truth is out there…and we found it for you!

The 2020 U.S. presidential “election” was in reality a widespread conspiracy by over 80 million registered American voters to make sure a dangerous, selfish, psychopathological doo-doo head didn’t remain in the office once held by Lincoln and Obama.

The “inflation reduction act” has little to do with reducing inflation and is actually an insidious conspiracy by the Democratic members of Congress to stop the planet from burning up.

The new law allowing over-the-counter sales of hearing aids is part of an elaborate scheme by lazy do-nothing seniors to get high on cheap affordable ‘sound’.

The so-called January 6 “conspiracy” to prevent the peaceful transition of power and destroy democracy in America was pretty much a conspiracy to do just that, yeah.

The FBI raid on Mar-A-Lago was part of a deep-state conspiracy to recover stolen top-secret nuclear protocols and the Reagan china.

No, Not Really

No, I don’t want to add avocado for just two dollars more
No, I don’t want to add bacon for just two dollars more
No, I don’t want to choose a protein
No, I don’t want to add an extra shot of espresso for a dollar
No, I don’t want to add a shot of syrup for fifty cents
No, I don’t want the cheese-stuffed crust
No, I don’t want to boost my download speed for ten more dollars a month
No, I don’t want my identity protected for ten more dollars a month
No, I don’t want to go ad-free for ten more dollars a month
No, I don’t want to make it a meal for a dollar-fifty more
No, I don’t want to make it a large for a dollar-fifty more
No, I don’t want the extended warranty in case something breaks
No, I don’t want the clear-coat protection
No, I don’t want two more inches of leg room for a hundred dollars
No, I don’t want priority boarding for a hundred dollars
No, I don’t want free cancellation for ten dollars more
No, I don’t want to upgrade to platinum for ten dollars more
No, I don’t want it delivered today for ten dollars more
No, I don’t want the covered parking for ten more dollars a day
No, I don’t want the close-in parking for twelve more dollars a day
No, I don’t want to contribute a dollar for kids in need
No, I don’t want to add avocado for just two dollars more
Would you please just let me have it please?

Your 24-Hour ExactoWeather Forecast

From the KGOE weather tracking center deep in the heart of Texas…

6:00 a.m. Pleasantly warm. And suffocatingly humid.

7:00 a.m. Is that the sun coming up? Oh god, not again.

8:00 a.m. About what you’d expect. If it were noon already.

9:00 a.m. Can I just have iced tea for breakfast?

10:00 a.m. Have you read Dante’s Inferno? Yeah, like that.

11:00 a.m. The CIA sanctions waterboarding, but not leaving prisoners outside in this weather. That would be ‘torture.’

12:00 p.m. Unless you parked in the shade, I wouldn’t recommend getting into your car right now. Maybe in November.

1:00 p.m. Hotter than hot. Thermorrific.

2:00 p.m. Do you remember what it was like at this time of day back in February? Nice, right?

3:00 p.m. Stay inside and away from windows. That glass is hot.

4:00 p.m. A perfect time to take your dog for a walk. If you hate your dog.

5:00 p.m. Hotter than a Scotch Bonnet dipped in Tabasco and stuffed inside a jalapeño with the seeds left in.

6:00 p.m. Let’s get that watermelon out of the fridge, split it open and stick our face in it

7:00 p.m. Still let’s-give-up-and-move-to-Fairbanks hot. It still gets cold sometimes in Fairbanks, right?

8:00 p.m. Don’t assume that just because it’s getting dark it won’t stay hot.

9:00 p.m. Still hot.

10:00 p.m. ibid.

11:00 p.m. See “10:00 p.m.”

12:00 a.m. We’re down to 98 so quit complaining.

1:00 a.m. Back up to 100

2:00 a.m. Il fait très chaud!

3:00 a.m. es ist verdammt heiß!

4:00 a.m. 非常熱的天氣!

5:00 a.m. not too bad I guess

6:00 a.m. If heaven has central air, just take me now

The Groans of August

How hot is it in Texas this summer?

It’s so hot in Texas that Governor Abbott has declared hell a designated cooling center.


It’s so hot in Texas you can’t even spit on the ground. The spit doesn’t make it that far.


It’s so hot in Texas that the eggs frying on the sidewalk just get burned.


It’s so hot in Texas that Oklahoma’s tuchus is suffering third-degree burns.


It’s so hot in Texas that Matthew McConaughey is breaking a sweat.


It’s so hot in Texas that the corn is popping in the field. Now if it would just rain butter and salt.


It’s so hot in Texas that you can just eat smoked brisket right off the cow.


It’s so hot in Texas that Sno-Cones are being rebranded as Puddle in a Cup.


It’s so hot in Texas that a Republican in Plano thinks global warming might be a thing.


It’s so hot in Texas that we’re changing the name of this blog to The Garden of Heatin’. Bada bing!