Month: January 2023

Behind the Aluminum Door

Only on Thursday, three days after that initial statement, did the White House confirm media reports about the second batch, which was discovered in the garage of Mr. Biden’s home in Wilmington, and a final document found nearby on Wednesday night.

When a reporter asked Mr. Biden at an unrelated event on Thursday why classified documents were kept along with his prized Corvette, Mr. Biden replied: “My Corvette is in a locked garage. OK? So it’s not like they’re sitting out in the street.”—The New York Times, 1/12/23

MOSCOW, DEEP INSIDE RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE HEADQUARTERS

AGENT BORIS: The operation to recover top secret documents foolishly stored in the private home of American President Joseph Biden is ready!

AGENT VLAD: What about the guard dogs?

BORIS: Poisoned pelmeni prepared!

VLAD: What about the Secret Service agents on constant watch at the premises?

BORIS: Oh please, we know the hotel they’re staying in. Agent Natasha, Agent Irina, and a pitcher of vodka martinis. Nuff said!

VLAD: Weapons?

BORIS: Agents are fully equipped with latest super-duper Kalashnikovs with extended clips!

VLAD: What!? I thought this was to be an unarmed mission!

BORIS: Sure, but this is America…anyone walking around without a big gun looks suspicious!

VLAD: Good, good…this is will be even easier than stealing classified documents from Mar-A-Lago!

BORIS: But how did you get your people into Mar-A-Lago?

VLAD: Easy! We had two agents pretending to be free-spending pro-Putin lobbyists.  Well, maybe not ‘pretending’…

AGENT YURI: Knocksky knocksky! Urgent message for Agent Boris! New information regarding location of top secret American documents!

BORIS: They are kept in a hi-tech safe with eyeball recognition and 3-foot-thick titanium walls?

YURI: No!

VLAD: Guarded by a giant venomous serpent whose heads multiply if you cut them off?

YURI: Nyet!

BORIS: Submerged in pond full of ravenous radioactive crocodiles and robot sharks?

YURI: Cool idea but not even. They are stored in a garage!

VLAD: Stored in a ga-what?

YURI: Garage. It is a diabolical American device for preventing theft of automobiles, kind of.

BORIS: How do we defeat this…garage?

YURI: It is not easy. Street access is denied by an articulated door of aluminum nearly a millimeter thick.

VLAD: Fiendish!

YURI: Wait, it gets worse…this particular garage is opened by a remote-controlled radio device secured by a user-configurable four-digit binary dip switch. The possible combinations are in the dozens!

BORIS: Oh well, guess we’ll just have to abort the mission. What else can we do? I know! We can try getting access to the emails on Hillary’s private server again!

VLAD: Are you kidding? That lady knows how to keep her [expletive] secure!

Поради щодо життя в Оклахомі (Tips for Thriving in Oklahoma)

“The United States begins special training in Germany and Oklahoma for Ukrainian soldiers.”—The New York Times, January 16 2023

In order to ease any culture shock experienced by Ukrainian forces suddenly thrust into the bewildering wilds of Oklahoma, we’d like to offer these helpful hints for the newcomers.

1. I know you’re used to living in a war zone, but be careful. Folks in this part of the country just love their guns!

2. Chicken-fried steak may be delicious, but it does not involve chicken. Nor an actual steak. It is, however, most definitely fried.

3. You may be wondering why almost every man, woman, and child drives an oversized pickup truck that is usually empty. When you find out, let us know.

4. Next to Oklahoma there is a place called Texas. Texans like to make fun of people from Oklahoma and are very proud of the history of their own state, which was stolen from the Republic of Mexico in order make more land available for profiting off of slave labor.

5. On the other side of Oklahoma is a place called Kansas. I think that’s where they make the corn?

6. There are many thoughtful, intelligent people in Oklahoma. There are also people like every single one of Oklahoma’s five U.S. House of Representative members, who all voted to prevent our democratically elected president from taking office. It may seem surreal to you that you are being trained to fight for democracy in a place largely filled with people who are against it. You’ll just have to deal with it.

7. If you want scenery there’s always Colorado, New Mexico and Arkansas right next door.

8. If you don’t like Oklahoma, don’t blame the Native Americans who call it home. It wasn’t their first choice.

9. If you want to get a head start on what it’s like to live in Oklahoma, you can watch a musical called ‘Oklahoma!” It’s just like that.

10. Don’t forget to relax and enjoy the experience. It’s not like you’re going to hit something important.

More Headlines from the Future Desk

GEORGE SANTOS APOLOGIZES FOR COMPULSIVE LYING; BLAMES PTSD. “I’ve learned that you don’t participate in a major event like D-Day without consequences,” states the congressman

ON PARTY-LINE VOTE, CONGRESS BANS BIRTH CONTROL ON MARS. “They can do what they want in California,” states Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), “but taxpayers in my district aren’t going to pay for a bunch of hippie astronauts flying to Mars to engage in unrestricted government-funded hanky-panky. Have your fun, have your Martian!”

TRUMP WINS ELECTION for president of the Bellevue Mental Ward Patient Association. Former U.S. president is later placed in straitjacket for fighting with Ye over which one is “Vice.”

6-YEAR-OLD ACQUITTED OF ATTEMPTED MURDER OF TEACHER. Virginia jury finds tot was “standing his ground” after being threatened with a time-out.

MOTHER NATURE FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM MANKIND, CITES ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. “They keep telling me they’re going to change,” says the struggling natural world. “I used to believe them.”

ASTRONAUTS PLEAD FOR RIDE HOME FROM SPACE STATION. “Oh [expletive},” responds NASA spokesperson. “Did we still have someone up there?”

IRAN’S SUPREME LEADER ISSUES FATWAH AGAINST THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD FOR STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. States Ali Khamenei, “only a Satanic infidel would dare create an image of the Divine Prophet!”

UKRAINIAN FORCES TAKE MOSCOW WITHOUT A FIGHT. “We didn’t really mean to,” claims President Zelensky. “But the other side is so clueless, it just sort of happened.”