The State of the Union Address, Ossining Edition

Editor’s Note: We recently received another dispatch from our correspondent at the near-future desk. He transmitted an advance copy of re-elected president Donald Trump’s State of the Union address, which he will deliver from Ossining, New York, in February of 2025.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I promise you I’ll keep it short tonight, anyway they turn off the lights at 9, can you believe that? But you get used to it.

I can report to the American people that the state of the Union tonight is strong! Should I wait? Are they giving me an ovation? I can’t tell, they won’t let me have a TV in my cell. They say maybe next year if I behave good. I can have two books though. I picked the Bible and The Art of the Deal, my two favorites by the way. I’ve always wanted to read them so maybe now I’ll have the time. That’s about all I have here in my cell, plus the nuclear football. It’s not really a football though, more like a high-tech briefcase. I keep it with me at all times except on Tuesday and Saturday mornings when I have to work in the laundry room. But not to worry, Zip keeps an eye on it when I’m gone. He’s one of my new friends. Standup guy. And very reasonable. He only charges a Snickers bar an hour to watch the nuclear briefcase. He’s doing twenty to life for a rape/murder but like he told me himself it’s totally bogus. Our justice system is out of control.

The state of America, which is me if you think about it, is outstanding. I’ve lost some weight, actually. The food here stinks but I can still get a Big Mac and a Coke once in a while, thank God. It’s amazing what a pack of cigarettes will get you in a place like this.

I’ve done a lot of personal reflection during the weekly group counseling sessions I go to because the facilitator has awesome bazongas. But you can’t kiss her or she starts screaming or saying “no!” in a really loud voice and then the guards come and beat you up and put you in solitary. So unfair. We need to have a national conversation about prison reform.

Anyway I’ve come to see that the bad things I did hurt a lot of people, especially me. I should never have paid Stormy through my lawyer and called it a retainer. I should have paid her directly since that wouldn’t have violated the federal code. OK, I was afraid Melania might take a peek in the dresser drawer and notice the missing cash.

I get a lot of letters asking me whether I get Secret Service protection here in the joint. No, they wouldn’t let me keep my Secret Service but it turns out I didn’t really need them. I got some new friends here who take awesome care of me. Rat-tail and Zip, they’re kind of like my gang now. Just recently Rat-tail protected me from the unwanted attentions of Hugs.

And that is why tonight I am presenting Rat-tail with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Where are you Rat-tail, come over here. For now it’s just some gold foil from a Toblerone wrapper on a string, but I’ll take care of you later, I promise. Rat-tail is a good guy, the best. Melania, please keep those cigarettes coming.

It’s funny, everyone goes by a nickname here.  He goes by “Rat-tail” because of his gray ponytail. “Hugs” is a groper. Everyone calls me “Shithead,” I don’t know why.

You know it’s very tough being president when you’re “inside.” I only get to talk to Vlad Putin because Ivanka smuggles his notes to me on alternate Thursdays, which could get her in big trouble if anyone found out. Vlad and Trump, two world-class leaders convicted on bogus charges.  You know, if I did all those things they say I did, I’d be a pretty rotten guy. But I’m a great guy, the best. And just cause I’m friends with Vlad doesn’t mean I’m going to let down Ukraine. I told Zelenzky I’ll start sending him tanks as soon as he opens an investigation on District Attorney Alvin Bragg.

Well they’re telling me it’s lights out now and I’m trying to be a model prisoner so I can pass the parole hearing next month. The sooner I can get out of here and start persecuting everyone who did this to me, the better. But don’t worry, when I get before the panel I’ll be all like, “I’m so sorry for the pain I caused, I realize now I’m not above the law, blah-di-blah.”

Good night, and God Bless the United States of America!