Month: January 2025

Dead Center (Nel segno, Luigi Pirandello, 1904)

If you know anything about Luigi Pirandello (1867-1936), it’s probably because you’ve heard of his play, Six Characters in Search of an Author (1921), about a family of fictional characters pleading with a theater director to stage their story, after their author has abandoned them.

But Pirandello was the author of numerous important novels, plays, and more than 250 short stories. A handful of his stories were translated into English and have been included in world-literature anthologies for decades; many others have not been translated.

Two Pirandello scholars, Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka, have been leading a project to solicit and publish translations of every one of his stories from various literary translators, and to make these translations freely available online. I am grateful to both of them for allowing me to contribute.

My translation of Pirandello’s story “Dead Center” (“Nel segno”) was recently posted on their “Stories for a Year” site, along with an excellent introduction by the editors, and you can read it here–as well as find links to many other Pirandello stories.

My thanks again to Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka, as well as to the Pirandello scholar Daniela Bini, whose early encouragement and advice did much to set me on the literary translation path.

Effective Immediately: Some Executive Orders We’d Like to See

Trump Keeps Up Breakneck Pace of Executive Orders: New York Times, 1/29/25

Effective Immediately: All McDonald’s restaurants in the U.S. will be renamed “McKamala’s.”

Effective Immediately: All illegal immigrants currently residing in the U.S. will receive a cute little sack containing a packet of Gummi Bears, a Starbucks gift card, U.S. citizenship, and a brochure entitled, “What is a Payroll Tax?”

Effective Immediately: All January 6th rioters will be required to display a prominent scarlet “A” on their tactical camouflage vests. It does not stand for “American.” Or “Adulterer.”

Effective Immediately: Federal funds will be released to enable authors of impertinent little blogs like this one to lead a life of creative ease.

Effective Immediately: The Justice Department is instructed to launch an investigation into why we have to sit through a zillion obnoxious ads before listening to or watching anything the least bit interesting.

Effective Immediately: Nothing is effective immediately. Sometime next week is fine.

ICE STATION ZEBRA II: FROSTED DANISH

Trump Alarms Denmark in an Icy Exchange Over Greenland—Headline, The New York Times, Jan. 26 2025

SCENE: White House, the Oval Office

KRISTI NOEM, Dept. of Homeland Security: It’s Denmark, sir. They appear to be moving forces towards Greenland.

POTUS: Those backstabbing Danians! I told you they were going to invade!

MARCO RUBIO, SECRETARY OF STATE: Technically, sir, it’s not an invasion, since Denmark is actually responsible for the defense of Greenland, which is….

POTUS: No way! Shut up!

RUBIO: I’m totally serious!

POTUS: So am I! Shut up!

KASH PATEL, FBI DIRECTOR: Should I arrest him now, sir?

POTUS: Not yet, just take away his Secret Services.

PATEL: I would, but the Secret Service actually belongs to Treasury, not….

POTUS: Shut up!

PATEL: Yes sir! Should I arrest myself now, sir?

POTUS: I never cared for those Denmarkians. Who wants their stupid pastries anyway! We can make danishes right here in America, and make them ten times better!

RUBIO: Umm…

POTUS: Umm, what?

RUBIO: Nothing, sir. Brilliant insight, sir.

POTUS: Kristi, we need the Secretary of Defense on this. Go wake up Pete Hegseth!

NOEM: He’s right over there on the couch, sir, next to the empty bottles.

POTUS: So wake him up! [Kristi Noem gives Pete Hegseth a good shake]

PETER HEGSETH, U.S. Secretary of Defense: What th’, where am I? [sees Noem] Oh hello, darlin’! How about you grab your .22 and we’ll jump in the old pickup truck and go looking for some misbehavin’ Malamoots!

POTUS: It’s the Danishes we need to focus on now, Pete! What kind of military are we up against?

HEGSETH: Well let’s see now, they got almost a hundred warfighters. I like to say ‘warfighters’ instead of ‘soldiers’ cause it sounds sexier! And some of them are actually female, which is totally wrong but kind of hot! Just thinkin’ about them Danish girl warfighters, I start to get…

POTUS: What about their navy?

HEGSETH: Well sir, our intelligence indicates they recently took an old herring boat and mounted a blunderbuss on the fo’c’sle. [Cue ominous music] We have drones operating in the area now to help us determine what a blunderbuss is. And also a fo’c’sle.

POTUS: Armor?

HEGSETH: We believe they are equipped with at least two tanks. One is on permanent display outside a museum in Vestervig. The other one is…currently unaccounted for. [Cue ominous music]

POTUS: [Squinting fiercely] My God, Pete…that tank could be on the herring boat right now…headed for the Gulf of America!

TULSI GABBARD, NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE DIRECTOR: Mr. President, we just received information that China is launching an invasion of Taiwan. I told them OK but please let us know next time.

POTUS: So sad. China would never have invaded if I were president of Taiwan! Now about those Denmarkers…We’re going to nuke the hell out of Stockholm!

RUBIO: Copenhagen.

POTUS: And also Copenhagen! And if that doesn’t work, they can expect 20% tariffs!

Quick Answers To Your Complicated Health Questions!

AS WE’VE NOTED BEFORE, the mainstream media has an annoying habit of printing headlines with intriguing questions, but instead of just, like, giving you the answer right away, they make you read a whole article with nuances and tradeoffs and science and stuff, and when you do finally get to the end, the conclusion is…inconclusive!  So, to save you time and stress, we take some recent “Wellness” questions posed in the New York Times and give simple, straightforward answers that anyone can understand…even our readers!

Do I Need to Worry About Microplastics in Tea Bags?  Nah, something else will get you first.

I’m Lactose-Intolerant. Can I Eat Dairy Anyway? Fine with me!

How Long Do Leftovers Last? Why do you think God gave you a nose?

What if You Just Don’t Like Breakfast? That’s cool!…but if you really don’t want that piece of bacon…

Is Bone Broth Really Brimming With Health Benefits? Yes, except for whoever’s bone that was.

Is It Better to Eat Before a Workout or After? Both. And skip the workout.

Is It Safe to Dermaplane My Face? Only one way to find out!

Why Can’t I Get This Song Out of My Head? Because it’s impossible.

Is Decaffeinated Coffee Bad for You? Yes, especially if you need to pay attention at an 8 o’clock Zoom.

How Do I Get Rid of the ‘Chicken Skin’ on My Arms and Legs? Slow down and eat over the plate like a civilized person!