Can you believe that President Trump wants to convert Alcatraz back into a federal prison?[….]It is possible that Mr. Trump had “Escape From Alcatraz” on his mind when he declared on social media on Sunday that he had directed federal agencies to rebuild and reopen Alcatraz to serve as “a symbol of Law, Order, and JUSTICE.”—”Alcatraz as a Prison? Tourists Say Trump Is on His Own Island.” New York Times, May 5, 2025

EDITOR’S NOTE: Quantum physicists on our staff have discovered the particular parallel universe (#8,217) where everything turns out exactly the way we want it. Our reporter on the Ideal Universe desk filed this transcript of Donald Trump’s inspection of the newly restored Alcatraz penitentiary.

Place: The new federal prison, Alcatraz Island

Time: the near future

PARK RANGER: Welcome to Alcatraz, Mr. President! We’re so honored to give you and Melania an exclusive preview! I hope you like what we’ve done…

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Don’t worry about me, Warden, I won’t make any trouble! I just want to serve my time all peaceful-like so I can go back to my family.  Ha ha, I always wanted to say that, I should have been in the movies! Actually, maybe you saw it…Home Alone 2….

RANGER: I’m not the warden sir, actually I’m with the Park Service…

POTUS: What Park Service? I thought we eliminated…

RANGER: Yes sir, Alcatraz used to belong to the park service. Technically I’m a former park ranger since DOGE cut my position…Now if you and Melania will just follow me through these extra-heavy cement-filled steel doors, I want to show you where the most dangerous felons will be housed…

POTUS: Hey, what happened to my Secret Services?

RANGER: Oh, don’t worry, sir. They’re in the visitor’s lounge enjoying our signature cocktail, “The Nightstick.” We’ll call an Uber to make sure they get home safe. Now here you see an example of one of our maximum security cells….

POTUS: For the worst of the worst!

RANGER: Exactly right, sir. I’ll just slide open the bars so you all can step inside and get a closer look…

MELANIA: Eww…I’ll just stand outside…

POTUS: Nice! They got their own toilet, a cot, some kind of steel shelf or something…better than they deserve, really! Kind of cramped though, it looked bigger when Clint Eastwood was here…hey, they even got books! The Holy Bible and the Art of the Deal, my favorites! Does everyone get these?

RANGER: Well, not everyone, no…Now I’ll just show you how these locks close…[CLICK]

POTUS: You don’t scare me, you lousy screw! They ain’t built the joint yet that can hold me! Ha ha, I always wanted to say that, too! Hey, when do we get lunch around here, I’m getting hungry…

RANGER: Lunch is at one o’clock, sir. I believe today we’re featuring baloney sandwiches, skim milk and…canned peaches for dessert.

MELANIA: Eww…

POTUS: Don’t wait for me, doll. I’m just no good, see? Find someone who can treat you good, like you deserve, ha ha!

MELANIA: Whatever! Are we done yet? I’m supposed to try on an outfit at 2:00…

RANGER: Yes, Madame First Lady, the exit is right this way…

POTUS: Hey guys, where are you going!? Let me outta here!

MELANIA: You worked for the Park Service? I bet you can tell me all about rescues and wildfires and grizzly bears and exciting stuff like that!

RANGER: Yes, I loved that job…

POTUS: Lemme out! I’m innocent, I tell ya! I been framed! Oh, why doesn’t anyone believe me!? [The sound of footsteps recedes into the distance] So where’s my baloney sandwich?