The Interview

President Trump dialed into “Fox & Friends” on Tuesday morning and revealed his newest and truest motivation for brokering an end to the war in Ukraine: He’s worried he might not get into heaven after he dies.

“I want to try and get to heaven, if possible,” he explained. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons.” —”I Want to Try and Get to Heaven’: Trump Gets Reflective on ‘Fox & Friends’,” New York Times, 8/19/25

Place: Pearly Gates

Time: Eternity

Donald John Trump: Nice place you got here, Pete! Your clouds aren’t very classy, though, could use a little gold trim. I think I’ll put in a golf course over there….  

Saint Peter: Heh heh, sure, we just need to get through some formalities first. Let’s see here…did you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

DJT: [Looking around] Well sure, I’d be sucker not to, the other place is for losers! This is much nicer, but you really need to be more careful about who you let in, they’re not sending you the best people….

SP: I mean, did you accept Christ before

DJT: Oh yeah, accepted is the right word, not crazy about His outfit though, it’s a little disrespectful to show up in a bathrobe all the time, even after all the nice things I did for Him…

SP: [to himself] Christ Almighty, does this guy ever stop?

Christ Almighty: No, he does not.

SP: So you consider yourself a good Christian?

DJT: Not good, the greatest! The Bible’s my second favorite book after The Art of the Deal, which you should read, Pete. I love the Bible so much I even came out with my own version, very classy…

SP: Yes, we’ve seen it, your “God Bless the USA Bible”…

DJT: That’s it, the cover has the American flag and…

SP: And so you give it away, to spread the holy Word?

DJT: We practically give it away, it’s only $59.99. Or you can get a signed copy for $1000…

SP: Signed by The Author? That’s a real bargain!

DJT: Well, signed by me, actually, and then we have….

SP: Yes, yes, actually we know all this, we just needed to hear you say it….

DJT: My favorite one is The Day God Intervened edition,* which we made to thank you for the time you saved my life…

SP: Actually you were never in danger, the whole thing was a setup to make you stop and think about how lucky you were and to make you treat humankind with mercy and forgiveness…. Boy, did that work out well. I almost got fired….

DJT: Say, how much longer are we gonna be here, Pete? I need to talk to Roy Cohn today about suing the ghost of John McCain for…

SP: Ah, well, Roy isn’t…here right now, but you might see him a little later on. Don’t worry, just one or two more questions…[unravels a scroll of infinite length] Let’s see, we got the mass deportations, looking the other way on Gaza, extorting and publicly humiliating Zelenskyy, persecuting honest civil servants, killing clean energy programs…Oh, and groping of young women, the assaults, and then the character assassinations….Good Lord, where do we start?

The Good Lord: Ask him about the executions, that’s a good one…

SP: Ah yes! Now, towards the end of your first term in office, it seems that you re-started the execution of federal prisoners on death row, which your predecessor had stopped, even though they were of course incarcerated and presented no danger to anyone….

DJT: Do you have any idea how much it costs the taxpayer to keep those criminals alive?

SP: Good point! And based on the timing of these executions, it appears you did this in order to enhance your popularity in time for the 2020 election….

DJT: Which I lost anyway, so the executions don’t count, right?

SP: Sure, right, that’s exactly how it works…now if you’ll just take this form downstairs, the staircase is right over there. And watch that first step, it’s a doozy!

image generated by chatGPT

* yes, it’s a thing

In Which We Are Defeated By A Stupid Piece Of Software

I’m considering just abandoning this blog. It’s become superfluous. After all, if you want to read something short, insightful, and/or amusing, now you can just chat with a bot.

See, I had this idea for a cute post: I would use famous song titles to pose questions to ChatGPT. Then I would grade the AI bot on accuracy, creativity, and humor. Neat idea, right? This is how I imagined the conversation might go:

Me: Is you is, or is you ain’t, my baby?

ChatGPT: Are you asking whether or not I feel affectionate towards you? If so, sure!

Accuracy: A

Creativity: F

Humor: F

But it didn’t work. The AI engine was too knowing, it wouldn’t be so easily baited. Here’s an example of how the actual chat played out:

Me: Is you is, or is you ain’t, my baby?

ChatGPT: That’s a famous old line — the title of a jazz standard written by Louis Jordan and Billy Austin back in 1944. It became one of Jordan’s signature songs, and lots of greats have recorded it since: Bing Crosby, Dinah Washington, B.B. King, Tom Waits, and even the Muppets.

It’s usually delivered playfully — asking in a teasing way whether someone’s still devoted or not.

Do you want me to tell you more about the song’s history, or are you using it more as a flirtatious question?

(Goddammit!) Me: Just answer the question

ChatGPT: I is.

Me (gritting my teeth): Good answer!

ChatGPT: Glad you liked it 😏

I guess I’ll just quit trying to be clever, and use my brain for what it was designed to do, like not bumping into walls and ordering useless gewgaws on Amazon.

(Image generated by ChatGPT. Of course.)

On Stockton Rush and Donald Trump

A few weeks ago I watched the fascinating and horrifying Netflix documentary Titan: The OceanGate Disaster. It deconstructed the history of the Titan, a tiny submersible vehicle designed and built by the entrepreneur-inventor Stockton Rush, for the purpose of taking wealthy tourists more than two miles from the surface of the North Atlantic down to the seabed to view the wreck of the Titanic, at $250,000 a pop. It had an experimental carbon-fiber hull, and was navigated with the use of a modified video-game controller.

It all worked for several trips until, on June 18, 2023, it didn’t. It imploded partway through its descent, killing its occupants, including Mr. Rush.

The craft was not “ill-fated” in the sense of being unlucky. The event is more accurately described as a tragedy, in the classical sense. The ocean, the craft, and Mr. Rush’s colleagues and crew had all been telling him that something was wrong and that disaster was just a matter of time. But Rush was determined not to listen.

Boeing Corporation, initially a partner in the project, prudently backed away out of safety concerns. More than one expert questioned his use of carbon-fiber as the hull material instead of the standard titanium, as well as its oblong shape instead of the more durable sphere. Rush ignored the acoustic evidence his own staff carefully documented: the pops and cracks which indicated a microscopic fraying of the carbon-fiber material, which got louder as the capsule went deeper and was subjected to more pressure. To passengers in his craft, he dismissed the scary-sounding pops as a normal “seasoning” process. He conducted a lab experiment in which a model was subjected to a pressure equivalent the ocean at the depth of the Titanic. The model collapsed. Steps were taken to improve the material…but it was not retested to see if those improvements worked. Most importantly, whenever members of his own staff raised issues, he responded by firing them or bullying them into quitting.

Rush had several motives for ignoring the truth. A submersible built of carbon fiber is much cheaper to build and transport than one made of titanium. Starting over with a new design would have meant having to confront unhappy investors, and postponing those $250k-a-seat excursions for years. And it would have been a blow to the man’s pride. He was the maverick, the genius who had no time for the establishment’s experts. He knew better than they.

The Titan story crossed my mind this week when I read about Donald Trump’s firing of Erika McEntarfer, the commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics. He fired her because the Bureau had reported an unexpectedly weak job market for this past June. He claimed that those statistics were “rigged,” without providing any evidence. Of course, the bad news was necessarily rigged, since Trump is president, Trump is a genius businessman, and therefore any bad economic news must be false news.

Now, I’m not an economist and I don’t know what’s going to happen to our economy. So far it’s been a sturdy little craft, holding up surprisingly well to the rough seas of absurdly steep tariffs applied (then lifted, then re-applied) to capriciously selected nations and products, and the gutting of longstanding federal institutions charged with keeping an eye out for financial malfeasance.

But the firing or bullying of bona-fide experts like Ms. McEntarfer and Jerome Powell, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, makes me very nervous. They are economists, and appear to know what they’re doing. I don’t trust Donald Trump, a businessman who has grown rich by making real-estate deals, raking in the profits where there were any, and expertly playing U.S. bankruptcy law to leave someone else holding the bag when there weren’t, to understand reality and act in a way that won’t lead to a global economic implosion.  

Of course the comparison between Stockton Rush and Donald Trump is imperfect. Rush believed in his version of reality enough to put his own life on the line, and he paid the price for it. I can’t figure out whether Trump actually believes what he says and tweets, or whether he cares, or whether he even bothers to make a mental distinction between fact and his own fiction. This is, after all, the man who praised the use of “truthful hyperbole” as a sales tactic in The Art of the Deal, and whose one-time press secretary Kellyanne Conway memorably coined the phrase “alternative facts” when confronted with, well, lies about the attendance figures at Trump’s first inauguration.

Another difference is that, unlike Rush, Trump won’t have to suffer the consequences of his recklessness. No matter what happens, he’s never going to have to worry about where his next meal is coming from. But as jobs disappear and prices of imported products and materials rise, millions of Americans and billions of people around the world might.


Photo of Stockton Rush provided by OceanGate via Wikimedia, license available at OceanGate, https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0, photo available at https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Stockton_Rush_(cropped).png

Photo of Donald Trump provided by Fulton County Sheriff’s Office

For subscribers: listen to A Silly Old Story

Dear subscriber to Garden of Eaton: Yesterday we published a post about our audio book(let) of Gerolamo Rovetta’s short story “A Silly Old Story,” but for some reason the little “play” button didn’t make it into the post, or into the email that went out with it. But now it’s there, and we invite you to listen at https://gardenofeaton.home.blog/2025/08/02/listen-to-the-latest-episode-of-verbal-exchange-a-reading-of-gerolamo-rovettas-a-silly-old-story/ . Thanks for your interest! — Steve Eaton

Listen to the Latest Episode of Verbal Exchange: A Reading of Gerolamo Rovetta’s “A Silly Old Story”

In the latest episode of our podcast Verbal Exchange, we read our translation of Gerolamo Rovetta’s hilarious story of a reluctant duellist, “A Silly Old Story” (“Storiella Vecchia,” 1898). Listen to it here, or wherever you stream your podcasts from.

It’s also available in print form, here:

Either way…enjoy!

The musical theme for this episode is “L’inno di Garibaldi” (“Garibaldi’s Hymn”), words by Garibaldi-Luigi Mercantini, music by Alessio Olivieri, sung by Edoardo Ferrari Fontana. Provided for non-commercial purposes by the Canadian government archives at https://www.collectionscanada.ca/obj/m2/f7/17139.mp3. License at: https://web.archive.org/web/20250620161232/https://library-archives.canada.ca/eng/Pages/terms-conditions.aspx#a1