
President Trump dialed into “Fox & Friends” on Tuesday morning and revealed his newest and truest motivation for brokering an end to the war in Ukraine: He’s worried he might not get into heaven after he dies.
“I want to try and get to heaven, if possible,” he explained. “I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons.” —”I Want to Try and Get to Heaven’: Trump Gets Reflective on ‘Fox & Friends’,” New York Times, 8/19/25
Place: Pearly Gates
Time: Eternity
Donald John Trump: Nice place you got here, Pete! Your clouds aren’t very classy, though, could use a little gold trim. I think I’ll put in a golf course over there….
Saint Peter: Heh heh, sure, we just need to get through some formalities first. Let’s see here…did you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?
DJT: [Looking around] Well sure, I’d be sucker not to, the other place is for losers! This is much nicer, but you really need to be more careful about who you let in, they’re not sending you the best people….
SP: I mean, did you accept Christ before…
DJT: Oh yeah, accepted is the right word, not crazy about His outfit though, it’s a little disrespectful to show up in a bathrobe all the time, even after all the nice things I did for Him…
SP: [to himself] Christ Almighty, does this guy ever stop?
Christ Almighty: No, he does not.
SP: So you consider yourself a good Christian?
DJT: Not good, the greatest! The Bible’s my second favorite book after The Art of the Deal, which you should read, Pete. I love the Bible so much I even came out with my own version, very classy…
SP: Yes, we’ve seen it, your “God Bless the USA Bible”…
DJT: That’s it, the cover has the American flag and…
SP: And so you give it away, to spread the holy Word?
DJT: We practically give it away, it’s only $59.99. Or you can get a signed copy for $1000…
SP: Signed by The Author? That’s a real bargain!
DJT: Well, signed by me, actually, and then we have….
SP: Yes, yes, actually we know all this, we just needed to hear you say it….
DJT: My favorite one is The Day God Intervened edition,* which we made to thank you for the time you saved my life…
SP: Actually you were never in danger, the whole thing was a setup to make you stop and think about how lucky you were and to make you treat humankind with mercy and forgiveness…. Boy, did that work out well. I almost got fired….
DJT: Say, how much longer are we gonna be here, Pete? I need to talk to Roy Cohn today about suing the ghost of John McCain for…
SP: Ah, well, Roy isn’t…here right now, but you might see him a little later on. Don’t worry, just one or two more questions…[unravels a scroll of infinite length] Let’s see, we got the mass deportations, looking the other way on Gaza, extorting and publicly humiliating Zelenskyy, persecuting honest civil servants, killing clean energy programs…Oh, and groping of young women, the assaults, and then the character assassinations….Good Lord, where do we start?
The Good Lord: Ask him about the executions, that’s a good one…
SP: Ah yes! Now, towards the end of your first term in office, it seems that you re-started the execution of federal prisoners on death row, which your predecessor had stopped, even though they were of course incarcerated and presented no danger to anyone….
DJT: Do you have any idea how much it costs the taxpayer to keep those criminals alive?
SP: Good point! And based on the timing of these executions, it appears you did this in order to enhance your popularity in time for the 2020 election….
DJT: Which I lost anyway, so the executions don’t count, right?
SP: Sure, right, that’s exactly how it works…now if you’ll just take this form downstairs, the staircase is right over there. And watch that first step, it’s a doozy!
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* yes, it’s a thing


