Opening Remarks

Thank you very much, very much appreciated. And I don’t mind making the speech without a teleprompter, because the teleprompter is not working. I feel very happy to be up here with you nevertheless, and that way you speak more from the heart. I can only say that whoever’s operating this teleprompter is in big trouble.

Analysis: The president opens with his customary warmth and diplomacy. Also some poor slob who woke up in New Jersey this morning is sleeping tonight in a nice supermax in El Salvador.

Six years have passed since I last stood in this grand hall and addressed a world that was prosperous and at peace in my first term. Since that day, the guns of war have shattered the peace I forged on two continents.

Analysis:  The statement that Trump “forged peace on two continents” needs context: no he didn’t.

An era of calm and stability gave way to one of the great crises of our time.

Analysis: No argument there, brother!

One year ago, our country was in deep trouble, but today, just eight months into my administration, we are the hottest country anywhere in the world and there is no other country even close.

Analysis: Trump appears to be likening the nation he leads to the winner of a sleazy Ft. Lauderdale wet T-shirt contest.

Economic Record

Under my leadership, energy costs are down, gasoline prices are down, grocery prices are down, mortgage rates are down, and inflation has been defeated.

Analysis: This statement needs context: he just makes shit up.

I built the greatest economy in the history of the world. We had the best economy ever, history of the world, and I’m doing the same thing again, but this time it’s actually much bigger and even better. The numbers far surpass my record-setting first term.

Analysis: The man lives in his own little fantasy world. Unfortunately the rest of us have to live there too.

Immigration

And for the last four months, and that’s four months in a row, the number of illegal aliens admitted and entering our country has been zero.

Analysis: Experts are still trying to determine whether our president is out of touch with reality or just indifferent to it.

Foreign Relations

In May, I traveled to the Middle East to visit my friends and rebuild our partnerships in the Gulf, and those valued relationships with Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the UAE and other countries are now, I believe, closer than ever before.

Analysis: Also, it helps if you gift him a custom-made 747.

In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars.

Analysis: The actual number of wars ended by Trump ranges from about zero to zero, depending on which expert you listen to. Also, ‘unendable’ is not a word.

This includes Cambodia and Thailand, Kosovo and Serbia, the Congo and Rwanda, a vicious, violent war that was. Pakistan and India, Israel and Iran, Egypt and Ethiopia, and Armenia and Azerbaijan.

Analysis: This statement disproves critics who claim that the president cannot count to seven.

All I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. If the First Lady wasn’t in great shape, she would’ve fallen. But she’s in great shape.

Analysis: Recent reports suggest that a photographer walking down the up escalator accidentally triggered a safety feature that caused the escalator to stop. But experts agree that the idea of someone stopping it deliberately just to watch the president drag his fat ass to the top is pretty funny.

Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for each one of these achievements, but for me, the real prize will be the sons and daughters who live to grow up with the mothers and fathers because millions of people are no longer being killed in endless and un-glorious wars. What I care about is not winning prizes. It’s saving lives.

Analysis: He wants a Nobel so bad!

Many years ago, a very successful real estate developer in New York, known as Donald J. Trump, I bid on the renovation and rebuilding of this very United Nations complex. I remember it so well. I said at the time that I would do it for $500 million, rebuilding everything. It would be beautiful. I used to talk about, “I’m going to give you marble floors, they’re going to give you terrazzo.”

Analysis: What Trump appears to be implying here is that the nations of the world can go to hell because in 2008 they had terrazzo floors put in instead of buying his marble. This is generally considered the most rational statement in the entire speech.  

There is no more serious danger to our planet today than the most powerful and destructive weapons ever devised by man of which the United States, as you know, has many. Just as I did in my first term. I’ve made containing these threats a top priority, starting with a nation of Iran. My position is very simple, the world’s number one sponsor of terror can never be allowed to possess the most dangerous weapon[.…] And three months ago in Operation Midnight Hammer seven American B-2 bombers dropped the 14 30,000 pound H-bombs [?!?!] on Iran’s key nuclear facility totally obliterating everything.

Analysis: OK, now we’re very, very frightened.

[The war in Ukraine] shows you what leadership is, what bad leadership can do to a country. Look what happened to the United States and look where we are right now in just a short period of time.

Analysis: Amen brother!

But for those tariffs [on Russian oil] to be effective, European nations, all of you are gathered here right now, would have to join us in adopting the exact same measures. I mean, you’re much closer to the city [?]. We have an ocean in between, you’re right there [….]

Analysis: This is in line with Trump’s long-held belief that European nations, unlike the United States, are all located somewhere in Europe.

To prevent potential disasters I’m announcing today that my administration will lead a international effort to enforce biological weapons convention, which is going to be meeting with the top leaders of the world by pioneering an AI verification system that everyone can trust. Hopefully the UN can play a constructive role and it will also go, be one of the early projects under AI. Let’s see how good it is because a lot of people saying it could be one of the great things ever, but it also can be dangerous, but it could be put to tremendous use and tremendous good, and this would be an example of that.

Analysis: Combines the incoherence of Joe Biden on his worst day with the fright factor of Stephen King on his best.

And I have to say, I look at London where you have a terrible mayor, a terrible, terrible mayor and it’s been so changed, so changed. Now they want to go to Sharia law, but you’re in a different country, you can’t do that. Both the immigration and their suicidal energy ideas will be the death of Western Europe if something is not done immediately.

Analysis: Experts generally agree that our president is just bat-shit crazy.

Now, I think we’re going to have another…. We’re going to find a lot. You’re not going to find all of them. More than 300,000. They’re lost or they’re dead. They’re lost, or they’re dead because of the animals that did this. To protect our citizens, I’ve also designated multiple savage drug cartels as forest.

Analysis: A close examination of the audio at the 33 minute mark confirms that he did in fact say, “forest.” This is in line with the president’s belief that…. OK, look, no one knows what the [redacted] he’s talking about.

Crime+Environment+Energy

Washington D.C. was the crime capital of America. Now, it’s a totally… After 12 days, it’s a totally safe city. Everyone’s going out to dinner, they’re going out to restaurants. Your wife can walk down the middle of the street with or without you. Nothing’s going to happen.

Analysis: Safety experts advise against walking down the middle of the street.

Washington D.C. is now a totally safe city again and I welcome you to come. In fact, we’ll have dinner together at a local restaurant and we’ll be able to walk. We don’t have to go by an armor-plated vehicle. We’ll walk right over there from the White House. They’ve given up their powerful edge. A lot of the countries that we’re talking about and oil and gas, such as essentially closing the Great North Sea oil. Oh, the North Sea.

Analysis: Um, has anyone ever discussed with you the oratorical concept of “transition?”

And what a tremendous asset for the United Kingdom. And I hope the prime minister’s listening because I told it to him three days in a row. That’s all he heard. North Sea oil, North Sea, because I want to see them do well.

Analysis: The human mind simply cannot comprehend the horror of being backed into a corner somewhere in Westminster, feeling droplets of spit on one’s face as Donald Trump repeats the words, “North Sea oil, North Sea” for three days in a row. We hope that Keir Starmer is getting therapy.

All of these predictions [of global warming] made by the United Nations and many others, often for bad reasons were wrong. They were made by stupid people that of course their country’s fortunes and given those same countries, no chance for success. If you don’t get away from this green scam, your country is going to fail. And I’m really good at predicting things. They actually said during the campaign, they had a hat, the best-selling hat. Trump was right about everything. And I don’t say that in a braggadocious way, but it’s true.

Analysis: Dear Earth, we are so, so sorry!

In the United States, we have still radicalized environmentalists and they want the factories to stop. Everything should stop. No more cows. We don’t want cows anymore. I guess they want to kill all the cows.

Analysis: Alternatively, under the President’s “Only Cow’s Left Behind” program, steaks will be humanely excised from living cattle.

In Asia, they dump much of their garbage right into the ocean. And over about a one-week and two-week journey, it flows right past Los Angeles. You’ve seen it, massive amounts of garbage. Almost too much to do anything about, flowing past Los Angeles, past San Francisco, and then somebody would get in trouble because he dropped a cigarette on the beach.

Analysis: He just crossed the allotted 45 minutes…Jesus H. Christ in a Control Booth, why doesn’t someone kill the mic?

And if you add coal, we have the most of any nation in the world. Clean. I call it clean, beautiful coal. You can do things today with coal that you couldn’t have done 10 years ago, 15 years. So I have a little standing order in the White House. Never use the word coal, only use the words clean, beautiful coal. Sounds much better, doesn’t it?

Analysis: And black lung disease is now “clean, beautiful lung disease.”

Something about Brazil for some reason

Brazil now faces major tariffs in response to its unprecedented efforts to interfere in the rights and freedoms of our American citizens and others with censorship, repression, weaponization, judicial corruption, and targeting of political critics in the United States.

Analysis: What the president means here is that by putting its former wannabe-dictator president in jail where he belongs, Brazil is a shining light unto the world!

Freedom and stuff

Next year the United States will celebrate the 250th anniversary of our glorious independence, a testament to enduring power and American freedom and spirit. We will also be proudly hosting the 2026 FIFA World Cup, and shortly thereafter, the 2028 Olympics, which is going to be very exciting. I hope you all come.

Analysis: Unless you come from, like, a foreign country, in which case stay home!

Conclusion

In closing, just want to repeat that immigration and the high cost of so-called green renewable energy is destroying a large part of the free world and a large part of our planet.

Analysis: Uh, yeah, whatever. We’re so tired.

We’re going to make our countries better, safer, more beautiful. We’re going to take care of our people. Thank you very much. It’s been an honor. God bless the nations of the world. Thank you very much. Bye.

Analysis: This planet is doomed. Is the bar open yet?