National Guard troops from Texas assembled in the Chicago outskirts on Tuesday, an extraordinary symbol of what local officials have decried as an unconstitutional “invasion” ordered by President Trump. – The New York Times, 10/7/2025

SCENE: LST packed with Texas National Guardsmen plows through Lake Michigan, approaching the beaches of Chicago, Illinois. A LIEUTENANT scans the shoreline through binoculars. A PRIVATE leans over the bulwarks, vomiting.

VOICEOVER: You’ve probably never heard of a place called Oak Street Beach. It’s a faraway spot in a faraway town called Chicago in a faraway state called Illinois. Most of the Texas boys on this landing craft have never seen Oak Street Beach, either.  But brother, they’re going to get a good look today. Yeah, a good, close look!

LIEUTENANT: Scared, son?

PRIVATE: I…I reckon so, sir.

LT: So am I, kid, so am I. Why, you’d be stupid not to be scared.

PVT: [BRIGHTENING UP] So, if I’m scared, it means I’m…not stupid?

LT: No son, you’re most likely scared and stupid. [PEERS THROUGH BINOCULARS]: This landing ain’t gonna be no picnic. Even though there’s plenty of folks having a picnic. That damned beach is packed with insurrectionists! Hell, most of those savages are half naked! And some got spears! With strings at the end. Almost like they’re…fishing or something…

PVT: Say, lieutenant…

LT: Yes, private, what’s on your mind?

PVT: Well sir, some of the boys was sayin’ how…not everyone in Chicago is a insurrectionist. Why, some of ‘em are just plain folks, like back in Grand Prairie or Sugarland. And they was sayin’ how the insurrectionists don’t wear no uniform, so you don’t know for sure who you’re supposed to shoot and who you’re supposed to protect….

LT: Here son, take a look through these glasses. See? Now a lot of ‘em are black or brown, so you know right off they’re probably illegal or doing something criminal. It’s our job to put them in jail or send them to El Salvador.

PVT: So the white ones, they’re on our side?

LT: Not necessarily, private. Take a close look. See how some of the white ones are holding up signs?

PVT: Why, yes sir!

LT: Those are the insurrectionists, see? And they have to be stopped!

PVT: What’s wrong with holding up a sign, lieutenant? That don’t seem so bad…

LT: Look, I know how you feel.  I once had feelings, too. But do you want people holding up signs in Waco? Fort Worth?

PVT: Oh, no sir!

LT: Do you think there’s any chance our Commander in Chief would put us in harm’s way unless it was absolutely necessary for the security of our country?

PVT. Well…no sir, of course not!

LT: Don’t you want America to be great again?

PVT: Oh, yes sir!

LT: That’s why we’re here, son. To stop them in Illinois, so they don’t infect Indiana…and beyond! See, it’s like this. Those people on the beach, they might look to you like regular folks, having a barbecue, going for a swim. But don’t be fooled.

PVT: But ain’t they American, sir, just like us?

LT: No son, they’re not American. They’re mostly Democrats. And that means they’re liberal. And we know that every last liberal is a socialist. And if you’re a socialist, you’re a radical Marxist. And our intelligence reports indicate that if you’re Marxist, you’re a dirty rotten insurrectionist! And the only good insurrectionist….

PVT: Gosh, if you put it like that, sir!

[BOOM! BOOM!]

LT: [chuckles] There go the big guns! I’ll bet when the Navy boys are through with ‘em, all we’ll have to do is pick up the leftovers and toss ‘em in a bucket!

[PRIVATE RECOMMENCES VOMITING OVER THE SIDE. PLUMES OF SMOKE AND SAND ON THE SHORE]

LT: Pull yourself together, private. [LST RAMP LOWERS]. Now listen up, people! Once you reach shore, get off that beach quick as you can! Anyone who stays behind is a dead man!

PVT: Because the enemy has every inch of the shoreline pre-sited for mortar fire, right, sir?

LT: No, because those UV rays could give you cancer in thirty years!