Category: Uncategorized

Suffer the Children

I remember when I first heard Charlie Kirk’s statement that the death of children in school shootings was the unfortunate but necessary cost of the second amendment. The thought that occurred to me at the time was that that would make the second amendment the most expensive amendment of them all. I can’t think of any other that we so regularly sacrifice our children to.

Having been shown the one altar, I began to recognize so many, many others. I read about children getting sick unto death, because they weren’t vaccinated against preventable diseases. Politicians, and often even the parents of these children, believe that this is the terrible, but inescapable, cost of keeping the government out of decisions that God gave a child’s parents, and only their parents, the right to make.

Next altar, the Epstein files. Trump reportedly stated that his reluctance to release the files was because “friends of mine will get hurt.” Let’s take him at his word (I know, I know). No one wants their friends to get hurt, and if the cost of protecting your friends is to turn a blind eye to the sexual abuse of minors, what choice do you have?

Then there are the children injured or killed in horrific ways by Israel’s military actions in Gaza—the sad but unavoidable toll of the never-ending war against terrorism.

Then there are the schoolgirls killed by the U.S. and Israeli attack on Iran. Undoubtedly, many more children will need to pay up as the war drags on.

Will we ever hear Trump, or Hegseth, or Rubio, or Miller, or anyone in the current administration say about some policy decision, that it’s off the table, because too many children will die?

In fact, is there anything at all that this administration actually values less than the lives of children?

A Real Laugh Riot

If you follow me on Facebook, you know I like to draw and post political cartoons (as opposed to posting other people’s cartoons, which seems to be a common thing now). If you haven’t, here’s a gallery of my recent efforts, starting from around the time we started blowing up open motorboats on the high seas, along with any crew and, it turns out, survivors.

What’s the point? Well, as the authorities keep telling us, “if you see something, say something.” And I’ve been seeing a lot lately. At least I’ll be able to look back on these times (if I live long enough) and tell myself, “I said something.” And if you agree, please do share this.

For what it’s worth (maybe nothing) I created these without any help from AI (pretty obviously), although I did digitally enhance the sharpness of some of these images.

I drew the Hegseth portrait after revelations that the U.S. military had deliberately killed survivors of a boat strike who were in the water.

I was tempted to have Trump telling the survivors in the water, “Kiss my hairy…” as a reference to Nelson’s reputed last words, but I suspected no one would get it…

This cartoon and the next were related to Trump confiscating Venezuelan oil tankers.

I drew this after reading how persistent Trump voters remain in their support even after acknowledging his disastrous leadership

The next two came to me after Trump’s takeover, renaming, and then closing of the Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts in DC.

The next three were spurred by the horrible killings in Minneapolis, and the ludicrous smearing of the victims as ‘domestic terrorists’ by Trump and his cabinet

And on it goes…

There…do we feel better now?

Anatomy of a Self Portrait

I’ve recently taken up watercolor painting. A couple of weeks ago I completed a self portrait which came out a bit clumsy looking, then executed a somewhat better portrait of an indulgent friend (thanks RK!). I decided to try portraying myself a second time, and this time to document my progress over the course of the 4 days, on and off, it took me. I hope you find it interesting.

Here’s the so-called reference I’ll be drawing from:

Reference photo
After several erased and redrawn heads, eyes, noses and lips, a sketch I’m happy with
I tape down the edges of the paper to an old cutting board and outline the parts I want to leave unpainted in yellow
I lay a thin wash of yellow on the face. First mistake: the brush was a little ‘dirty,’ as you can see.
I lay a thin diluted wash of red over the yellow. Feelings of despair. I seem to have a blotchy mess. Maybe all I’ve done is to ruin a promising pencil sketch.
I use small brushes to color the mouth, eyes, and whatever those little pink things at the corners of the eyes are called.
Always keeping an eye on the photo I add some reddish highlights to the face. Hmm, this guy is starting to look familiar.
Let’s add the shadows around the nose, and the sides of the face
Shading added around the eyes. Adds a scowl effect I didn’t intend.
Add shading under the nose and mouth. Also a thin watery glaze of the shadow color across the eyes so they’re less spectrally white
Using the end of a flat, pretty dry brush I dab on a beard
Add mustache and eyebrows the same way. Darken the upper lip a little. I definitely know this guy.
Add hair. Definitely looking less brutal.
Add throat. Used wet on wet wash. Worked unexpectedly well, I was able to sort of sculpt the shape of the throat with the wet paint. But I had dipped the brush in the wrong puddle. It looks like a color head on a black and white neck.
I glaze over the throat with a brown tone, looks a bit better
Used wet paper again to fill in the shirt. Came out pretty blotchy. Can I be honest? I’m pleased with the result so far but I’m getting a little tired of this project.
Add a little collar detail, t shirt collar, and shadow on the shoulders.
Add a background, a wet wash of cerulean fading away from top left to bottom right. You know what, I think I’m done.
Peel off the tape and sign and date. What do you think? I believe I’ve actually improved on the original. A low bar, I know!

Read the New Translation of Luigi Pirandello’s short story “Ignare” / “Oblivious”

I’ve been lucky enough to be one of the translators participating in the Pirandello Society of America’s ambitious project to eventually provide English versions of every one of the 300 or so short stories written by the master. The latest one from me is a translation of Pirandello’s grim account of the aftermath of a barbaric assault on a Catholic mission, “Ignare,” or, “Oblivious.” (“Ignare” literally means the ignorant, unknowing, unaware, naïve, or oblivious ones.) You can read it here. Enjoy.

While you’re there I encourage you to check out other stories by Pirandello, translated by me as well as others. It is truly a labor of love on all our parts.

My thanks to Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka of the PSA for driving this project and for their attention to and suggestions for my translation, and to their reader Nicole Trigg for her suggestions and corrections as well, and also to the Pirandello scholar Daniela Bini for her reading and suggestions.

On High School P.E. and Fake Scholarship

In my Denton, Texas high school years, not belonging to an actual sports team, I had to endure, along with the other losers, something called “Physical Education,” taught by an instructor who was burdened with the task as a condition of their real job, coaching football. In my sophomore year that instructor was the beloved Coach Collins, for whom a high-school football stadium was later named. This would have been the 1974-1975 school year.

There was a physical aspect to Physical Education. On any given day we might be issued a badminton racket, or directed to run around a field. But I would say the educational element was basically absent.

But one day we were instructed to “write a report” on some sport. I don’t know why. It was probably a state requirement. What this meant in practice was that you went to the school library, looked up the entry for, say, “basketball” in the World Book Encyclopedia (which was basically the same as the Encyclopedia Britannica, except for idiots), and copied a page or so of text by hand onto a sheet of paper. Then on the appointed date you’d stand up in front of the other kids and read “your” “report.”

But it occurred to me that this was all a charade. No one was really interested in whether or not we actually did research, or in learning something. So I decided to just make something up, and have some fun with it.

And going through a box of old letters and scribblings some fifty years later, I found my “report” (thanks, Mom!). Here it is, in its entirety.

Basketball was started in 1897 by William Johnson, son of a cantaloupe plantation owner. While tossing one of his father’s fruit [sic] into a wastepaper basket, suddenly the idea of what is now basketball popped into his head. Although he was soon punished by an angry father, his friends started a now popular game. Five years later a plastic ball was substituted for the cantaloupe, because constant dribbling made it rather soggy and hard to handle, and also made it taste bad. It was also rather expensive, as that particular species of fruit was fairly rare at that time. Two years later, in 1904, a basket, with no bottom, was substituted for the wastebasket, thus freeing the latter for trash.

But the really basic origins of basketballs go back much further than this. Descriptions on walls of ancient Mayan temples reveal a ball-through loop rite for fertility. It had many sexual implications, and one historian hints that “It was a sort of primitive girlie show.”[1] [Yes, I included an actual (bogus) footnote.] The basketball itself (which was not named a “basketball” until its incorporation into that sport in 1902) has had many other earlier uses. Many prominent historians contend that it was not a pumpkin that Cinderella’s famed fairy godmother changed into a coach (despite popular belief) but what is now called a basketball. The coach she rode in she thus named a basketball coach. The social gathering she went to was also called a basket-ball, as the fashions of the time dictated that all dancers dance veiled in fine, net-like baskets.

[1] Nightclubs through the ages, vol. 1 pg. [illegible] by John Sorcy.

I did in fact get up in front of the class and read the above. I made no outward indication that it was satirical. I think I was a little nervous. No one laughed, no one cracked a smile. I don’t think anyone was really listening. I was the egghead of the class, it was totally expected that I would actually go to the trouble of doing serious research and come up with a long (or at least longer than necessary) paper. In fact, I think I heard another kid who hadn’t even bothered to consult World Book quote my report in his completely improvised lecture later on in the hour. I was a trusted source, after all.

Coach Collins was in the audience too, of course. What did he think? Well, you can see from the photo the grade he assigned it. If he thought anything funny was going on…he never let on.

America the Ridiculous

Once upon a time, or rather, several times from 1995 to 2011, Italy had a prime minister named Silvio Berlusconi. He was a preposterous choice as leader for a modern democratic nation. Immensely wealthy, right wing, nationalist, buffoonish, corrupt to the gills. He privately admitted that he had entered politics mainly to stay out of jail. He had already cornered the Italian private media sector, turning it into a personal propaganda machine. He became infamous for arranging sex parties that included underage girls.

But there was a silver lining to Silvio, at least for us Americans: he was Italian.  He fit nicely into several American stereotypes of Italians: the corrupt politician, the easy-going Latin lover, the large-living playboy. Jon Stewart had a brilliant skit on The Daily Show that skewered not only Berlusconi, who had been recently charged with statutory rape, but those tired stereotypes as well. Olivia Munn, for example, played an imaginary mother to Berlusconi. Dressed in a black shawl, Munn wrung her hands and pleaded to the camera, “My son, he’s a good-a boy! He no rape-a no statue!”

Oh, weren’t those the days, when American moral superiority felt so…superior! If America is still exceptional today, it’s only…exceptionally ridiculous.

What else can you say about a man who is delighted quite literally by bright, shiny trinkets? A man who pleases himself by naming public monuments after himself? A man who publicly proclaims himself to be a smarter military tactician than any general, who changes public health policy because he’s smarter than the scientists? A man who saw the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, and reacted by planning a bigger, “better” one for himself, in our nation’s capital?  (He literally has a Napoleon complex!) You would have to call that man ridiculous, a buffoon, a clown. And we Americans chose him, of our own free will, to be the one to take charge of us, twice. And that makes us even more ridiculous than him.

There are much worse things one can do besides behaving like a clown…and Donald Trump is doing all of them, too. But what I want to discuss here is the shame, the humiliation, the embarrassment we feel or should feel for ourselves and our country. It’s deeply embarrassing to be an American right now. God forbid I find myself trying to have a serious debate about anything with someone from, say, Denmark. Or France. Or Ukraine. Or Italy. I don’t know if I could even look them in the face right now. I feel so…ridiculous!

And I have to say, the late Berlusconi is looking better every day. True, he was a corrupt megalomaniac and a sexual predator. But (and I am not an expert on Berlusconi; I invite my Italian friends to correct me) I do not recall that Signor Silvio ever blew up helpless crews of small motorboats in the Mediterranean, or sent the Italian army to put down peaceful protests by brute force, or used the Italian criminal justice system to wage war on his political opponents, or renamed Constantine’s Arch to “Arch of Silvio”, or made himself the director of La Scala. Or tried to annex Malta. Or changed maps of the Mediterranean to label it “Mare Italiano.” We should be so lucky!

Like many of you, I am horrified and frightened by the man leading our country and the thought of what he might do next. I have no good answer to a foreigner who asks, “why?” I am also deeply embarrassed. I can only hope that some if his less diehard supporters are at least starting to feel the same way.

We’re All Domestic Terrorists Now

Yesterday afternoon I found out I could be a domestic terrorist. Reader, so could you.

My discovery came from watching a clip of Kristi Noem, the person in charge of the safety and security of the United States and its people, describe a woman named Renee Nicole Good as having committed “domestic terrorism.” Noem explains that Good was “trying to kill” a police officer with the vehicle she was driving, as part of a “coordinated” nationwide scheme to “train” terrorists to “run over” anyone who gets in their way as they “try to disrupt peace and public safety.” Noem declares that she will prosecute such acts as terrorism, although in Good’s case it’s hard to see how that will happen, since she’s already been executed.

Good, a 37 year-old poet and mother of 3, including a 6 year old child, would seem to make an unlikely terrorist. She was an unarmed U.S. citizen, was not a criminal, and was not being sought by authorities.

Federal officials have accused her of “weaponizing” her own vehicle in order to kill ICE officers. I invite you to watch the videos taken at the scene here, and come to your own conclusion about that.

It appears to me that Good was not remotely trying to run over anyone, or even trying to scare an officer with her vehicle. It looks like she was deliberately trying to avoid hitting anyone.  In any event, no one was struck by her car, and she was shot at even after the officer who opened fire was out of her path. She may be guilty of deliberately blocking the street with her car, and of making the dumb (and probably panicky) mistake of trying to drive away from ICE officers shouting at her to “get out of the fucking car.” And she’s guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time: her hometown, on a Wednesday afternoon.

But it’s permanent “opposite day” in this country, where the vigilantes who injured police officers In Washington, D.C. on January 6, 2021, are “patriots” and (until they were all pardoned by President Trump) “hostages,” and a peaceful citizen like Renee Nicole Good is a “domestic terrorist.” Evidently anyone in this country or in this hemisphere might be a “terrorist,” either for the purposes of justifying their murder before the fact (as with alleged drug smugglers in the Caribbean) or afterwards (as with Ms. Good).

No actual terrorism required.  

In Which We Pit Our Poor Artistic Skills Against the Robots

I’ve taken up drawing lately. I attended a continuing-ed-type drawing class for beginners and have been messing around on my own. I’ve played around with drawing various fruits and vegetables, plants, animals, and people. Many of the results so far have been disasters, of course, some have been mildly pleasing, and there are a few that I’m rather proud of.

But as I struggle (enjoyably) to improve my artistic skills, I’ve been struck by a nagging thought: what is the point, in this new age? Is drawing now just an outdated parlor trick? What object could I ever render, with my own two hands and my little box of supplies, that anyone in the world couldn’t do better than me, just by uploading a photo to an AI engine and supplying the right prompt?

Or could they? Let’s see.

A few weeks ago I sketched the face of a marble bust, from a photograph I had taken in a museum with my phone. (The bust, representing the historical Roman figure Servius Sulpicius Galba, a first-century AD Roman statesman and, briefly, emperor, is in the Torlonia collection of marbles, currently on display in Fort Worth.) I thought it turned out quite nicely… So I uploaded the same photo to ChatGPT (the basic, free version, to be clear.). I then prompted ChatGPT as follows:

render the photo I’m going to upload as a pencil sketch by a professional artist

I included “by a professional artist” to ensure that the AI engine didn’t intentionally render the sketch as being done by, say, a child, or as a casual doodle. The bot finished its job in a few minutes (at the very least it’s lightning fast compared to my labored effort of a few hours), even helpfully labelling the result “aging wisdom.”

How did I do against the machine? Well, here is the photo we both used:

And here are the competing sketches. One is mine, with my signature removed. The other is ChatGPT’s entry. If you follow me on Facebook, you know which one is mine. But if you don’t already know, make a guess. Which one is mine? Which one is “fake” (if “fake” even means anything in this context)? And, which one do you like better? Cast your vote in the comments.

As for me…well, I’ll just say I feel pretty good about my limited human capabilities.

On Loving and Leaving the USA

In a strongly worded post on social media, [Donald Trump] said immigration had eroded living conditions in the United States and that he would remove or denaturalise migrants who “undermine domestic tranquillity[sic].” as he put it.—BBC Newshour, 11/28/25

Going back as far as Ronald Reagan’s presidential campaign of 1980, I can remember someone saying that if “X” were elected, they might have to leave the United States. Those kind of remarks have only increased with Donald Trump’s ascendence to the throne, er, White House.

I smirk (mentally, at least) when I hear this sentiment. It’s hypocritical, since those who say it never seem to actually move out of the country. It’s just a patriotic, brave-sounding thing to say. But what kind of patriotism is it to abandon the country one professes to love when its leadership turns foul…especially when the leaver is in no real danger of physical harm or imprisonment by staying? And what kind of sacrifice is it, when the proclaimed leaver is of the economic class that can easily afford to leave, and leave the rest behind to suffer? If you want to retire to a life of wine, sunshine, and cheap rent in Portugal, then bless you, but don’t pretend it’s a brave political statement.

That’s how I used to feel. But now something has changed. The menace from on high has become more immediate and personal for me. Our president has threatened to deport even naturalized U.S. citizens.

Now this has caught my attention. See, I know a lot of naturalized citizens. Some of my best friends are naturalized citizens! More to the point, I, like our president, am married to a naturalized citizen. And whither she goeth, I goeth too, baby!

Now, as far as I know, she does not “undermine domestic tranquility” (which is spelled with one L, Mister “stable genius” President), but who determines that? Recent experience shows that anything can be grounds for deportation, from criticizing Israel’s military campaign in Gaza, to loitering near a hardware store.

But if I do have to follow my wife to her native Taiwan, I think I’ll actually enjoy it. Sure, they got earthquakes, monsoons, flooding, and the constant threat of invasion by a certain bellicose superpower. But on the other hand, the food is great, as is the public transportation. And…oh yeah, it’s still a democracy!

(image generated by AI)

The Sands of North Chicago

National Guard troops from Texas assembled in the Chicago outskirts on Tuesday, an extraordinary symbol of what local officials have decried as an unconstitutional “invasion” ordered by President Trump. – The New York Times, 10/7/2025

SCENE: LST packed with Texas National Guardsmen plows through Lake Michigan, approaching the beaches of Chicago, Illinois. A LIEUTENANT scans the shoreline through binoculars. A PRIVATE leans over the bulwarks, vomiting.

VOICEOVER: You’ve probably never heard of a place called Oak Street Beach. It’s a faraway spot in a faraway town called Chicago in a faraway state called Illinois. Most of the Texas boys on this landing craft have never seen Oak Street Beach, either.  But brother, they’re going to get a good look today. Yeah, a good, close look!

LIEUTENANT: Scared, son?

PRIVATE: I…I reckon so, sir.

LT: So am I, kid, so am I. Why, you’d be stupid not to be scared.

PVT: [BRIGHTENING UP] So, if I’m scared, it means I’m…not stupid?

LT: No son, you’re most likely scared and stupid. [PEERS THROUGH BINOCULARS]: This landing ain’t gonna be no picnic. Even though there’s plenty of folks having a picnic. That damned beach is packed with insurrectionists! Hell, most of those savages are half naked! And some got spears! With strings at the end. Almost like they’re…fishing or something…

PVT: Say, lieutenant…

LT: Yes, private, what’s on your mind?

PVT: Well sir, some of the boys was sayin’ how…not everyone in Chicago is a insurrectionist. Why, some of ‘em are just plain folks, like back in Grand Prairie or Sugarland. And they was sayin’ how the insurrectionists don’t wear no uniform, so you don’t know for sure who you’re supposed to shoot and who you’re supposed to protect….

LT: Here son, take a look through these glasses. See? Now a lot of ‘em are black or brown, so you know right off they’re probably illegal or doing something criminal. It’s our job to put them in jail or send them to El Salvador.

PVT: So the white ones, they’re on our side?

LT: Not necessarily, private. Take a close look. See how some of the white ones are holding up signs?

PVT: Why, yes sir!

LT: Those are the insurrectionists, see? And they have to be stopped!

PVT: What’s wrong with holding up a sign, lieutenant? That don’t seem so bad…

LT: Look, I know how you feel.  I once had feelings, too. But do you want people holding up signs in Waco? Fort Worth?

PVT: Oh, no sir!

LT: Do you think there’s any chance our Commander in Chief would put us in harm’s way unless it was absolutely necessary for the security of our country?

PVT. Well…no sir, of course not!

LT: Don’t you want America to be great again?

PVT: Oh, yes sir!

LT: That’s why we’re here, son. To stop them in Illinois, so they don’t infect Indiana…and beyond! See, it’s like this. Those people on the beach, they might look to you like regular folks, having a barbecue, going for a swim. But don’t be fooled.

PVT: But ain’t they American, sir, just like us?

LT: No son, they’re not American. They’re mostly Democrats. And that means they’re liberal. And we know that every last liberal is a socialist. And if you’re a socialist, you’re a radical Marxist. And our intelligence reports indicate that if you’re Marxist, you’re a dirty rotten insurrectionist! And the only good insurrectionist….

PVT: Gosh, if you put it like that, sir!

[BOOM! BOOM!]

LT: [chuckles] There go the big guns! I’ll bet when the Navy boys are through with ‘em, all we’ll have to do is pick up the leftovers and toss ‘em in a bucket!

[PRIVATE RECOMMENCES VOMITING OVER THE SIDE. PLUMES OF SMOKE AND SAND ON THE SHORE]

LT: Pull yourself together, private. [LST RAMP LOWERS]. Now listen up, people! Once you reach shore, get off that beach quick as you can! Anyone who stays behind is a dead man!

PVT: Because the enemy has every inch of the shoreline pre-sited for mortar fire, right, sir?

LT: No, because those UV rays could give you cancer in thirty years!

Interview with Unqualified People

The Trump administration asked the Supreme Court on Friday to review the constitutionality of President Donald Trump’s executive order seeking to end birthright citizenship […]. “The lower court’s decisions […],” wrote Solicitor General D. John Sauer, […] “confer, without lawful justification, the privilege of American citizenship on hundreds of thousands of unqualified people.”—CNN, “Trump asks Supreme Court to decide whether he can end birthright citizenship,” 9/26/25

Garden of Eaton: What does it mean for a baby to be “an unqualified person?” Today I’m speaking to two newborns: Gael, a five-day old from California, and Taylor, a two-weeker from Ohio. Gael’s mother is in the U.S. on a temporary work visa, and Taylor’s parents are regular U.S. citizens. Hello to you both!

Taylor: Goo goo ga ga.

Gael: It’s great to be here.

GoE: Wow, you’re already talking!

Gael: When you’re a poor, first-generation American, you grow up fast. Have to.

Taylor: Blub blub gerg.

GoE: Umm…Gael, let’s start with you. Do you consider yourself an “unqualified person,” to use the solicitor general’s term?

Gael: What do you want, I’m five [redacted] days old! That’s not even enough time to get a realtor’s license!

GoE: Ok, but…

Gael: You want to see my resume? OK, I can poop and pee, wave my arms around, and make old people go all gooey. Oh, and conduct a civil, coherent discussion. That makes me more qualified than old slobber-mouth over there.

Taylor: Waaaah!!

Gael: Or your so-called chief executive.

GoE: But some would say that because your parents are here illegally, you should go back to where you come from….

Gael: Ok, two things. Christ, I could use some slightly fermented formula right now. First, like I told the ugly galoot from ICE, this is where I come from. I was born here. Why don’t you check out Melania Knauss Trump’s immigration papers? Or Ted Cruz’s?

GoE: Wait…you talked to an ICE agent?

Gael: Uh, yeah! And I shouldn’t have said he was ugly, sorry. I really couldn’t tell, with the ski mask and all. And second of all, my mother isn’t here illegally, she’s here on a valid work visa….

GoE: Oh, so you have nothing to worry about!

Taylor: Gugga gobba googa boo?

Gael: Good point, Taylor! Taylor is asking, “did you even read the [redacted] executive order?”

GoE: Uh, heh heh, not really, I just read about it…

Gael: Typical! It says I ain’t a citizen if my mom’s here illegally or, and I quote, if her “presence in the United States at the time of said person’s birth was lawful but temporary (such as, but not limited to, visiting the United States under the auspices of the Visa Waiver Program or visiting on a student, work, or tourist visa).”

GoE: So your mother…

Gael: Watch what you say about my mother…

GoE: …didn’t plan on staying here permanently. So why should you automatically be awarded citizenship?

Taylor: Gagga gogga goo goo bop?

Gael: Taylor says, uh, this little thing called the United States Constitution? In particular the fourteenth amendment, which is quite explicit? And also, he needs to get changed. And beyond that, if I can just add to what Taylor said…

Taylor: Goo gogga!

Gael: You need babies like me. Your population is aging and soon will actually be contracting. You need more workers to keep your economy going and to pay into your social safety nets, not to mention generating more income tax. You need more skilled young people to compete with countries like India and China in fields like technology and medicine. Those are the practical considerations, and we haven’t even started talking about basic human decency….

Taylor: Gubba gogga bogga boo!

Gael: Ha ha, good one, my brother! He says if they don’t like it, Donald Trump, John Sauer, Kristi Noem, and…

Taylor: Gigga bigga!

Gael: …Stephen Miller can eat his dirty diapers!

Highlights of President Donald John Trump’s Speech to the 80th United Nations General Assembly, With Analysis

Opening Remarks

Thank you very much, very much appreciated. And I don’t mind making the speech without a teleprompter, because the teleprompter is not working. I feel very happy to be up here with you nevertheless, and that way you speak more from the heart. I can only say that whoever’s operating this teleprompter is in big trouble.

Analysis: The president opens with his customary warmth and diplomacy. Also some poor slob who woke up in New Jersey this morning is sleeping tonight in a nice supermax in El Salvador.

Six years have passed since I last stood in this grand hall and addressed a world that was prosperous and at peace in my first term. Since that day, the guns of war have shattered the peace I forged on two continents.

Analysis:  The statement that Trump “forged peace on two continents” needs context: no he didn’t.

An era of calm and stability gave way to one of the great crises of our time.

Analysis: No argument there, brother!

One year ago, our country was in deep trouble, but today, just eight months into my administration, we are the hottest country anywhere in the world and there is no other country even close.

Analysis: Trump appears to be likening the nation he leads to the winner of a sleazy Ft. Lauderdale wet T-shirt contest.

Economic Record

Under my leadership, energy costs are down, gasoline prices are down, grocery prices are down, mortgage rates are down, and inflation has been defeated.

Analysis: This statement needs context: he just makes shit up.

I built the greatest economy in the history of the world. We had the best economy ever, history of the world, and I’m doing the same thing again, but this time it’s actually much bigger and even better. The numbers far surpass my record-setting first term.

Analysis: The man lives in his own little fantasy world. Unfortunately the rest of us have to live there too.

Immigration

And for the last four months, and that’s four months in a row, the number of illegal aliens admitted and entering our country has been zero.

Analysis: Experts are still trying to determine whether our president is out of touch with reality or just indifferent to it.

Foreign Relations

In May, I traveled to the Middle East to visit my friends and rebuild our partnerships in the Gulf, and those valued relationships with Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the UAE and other countries are now, I believe, closer than ever before.

Analysis: Also, it helps if you gift him a custom-made 747.

In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars.

Analysis: The actual number of wars ended by Trump ranges from about zero to zero, depending on which expert you listen to. Also, ‘unendable’ is not a word.

This includes Cambodia and Thailand, Kosovo and Serbia, the Congo and Rwanda, a vicious, violent war that was. Pakistan and India, Israel and Iran, Egypt and Ethiopia, and Armenia and Azerbaijan.

Analysis: This statement disproves critics who claim that the president cannot count to seven.

All I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. If the First Lady wasn’t in great shape, she would’ve fallen. But she’s in great shape.

Analysis: Recent reports suggest that a photographer walking down the up escalator accidentally triggered a safety feature that caused the escalator to stop. But experts agree that the idea of someone stopping it deliberately just to watch the president drag his fat ass to the top is pretty funny.

Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize for each one of these achievements, but for me, the real prize will be the sons and daughters who live to grow up with the mothers and fathers because millions of people are no longer being killed in endless and un-glorious wars. What I care about is not winning prizes. It’s saving lives.

Analysis: He wants a Nobel so bad!

Many years ago, a very successful real estate developer in New York, known as Donald J. Trump, I bid on the renovation and rebuilding of this very United Nations complex. I remember it so well. I said at the time that I would do it for $500 million, rebuilding everything. It would be beautiful. I used to talk about, “I’m going to give you marble floors, they’re going to give you terrazzo.”

Analysis: What Trump appears to be implying here is that the nations of the world can go to hell because in 2008 they had terrazzo floors put in instead of buying his marble. This is generally considered the most rational statement in the entire speech.  

There is no more serious danger to our planet today than the most powerful and destructive weapons ever devised by man of which the United States, as you know, has many. Just as I did in my first term. I’ve made containing these threats a top priority, starting with a nation of Iran. My position is very simple, the world’s number one sponsor of terror can never be allowed to possess the most dangerous weapon[.…] And three months ago in Operation Midnight Hammer seven American B-2 bombers dropped the 14 30,000 pound H-bombs [?!?!] on Iran’s key nuclear facility totally obliterating everything.

Analysis: OK, now we’re very, very frightened.

[The war in Ukraine] shows you what leadership is, what bad leadership can do to a country. Look what happened to the United States and look where we are right now in just a short period of time.

Analysis: Amen brother!

But for those tariffs [on Russian oil] to be effective, European nations, all of you are gathered here right now, would have to join us in adopting the exact same measures. I mean, you’re much closer to the city [?]. We have an ocean in between, you’re right there [….]

Analysis: This is in line with Trump’s long-held belief that European nations, unlike the United States, are all located somewhere in Europe.

To prevent potential disasters I’m announcing today that my administration will lead a international effort to enforce biological weapons convention, which is going to be meeting with the top leaders of the world by pioneering an AI verification system that everyone can trust. Hopefully the UN can play a constructive role and it will also go, be one of the early projects under AI. Let’s see how good it is because a lot of people saying it could be one of the great things ever, but it also can be dangerous, but it could be put to tremendous use and tremendous good, and this would be an example of that.

Analysis: Combines the incoherence of Joe Biden on his worst day with the fright factor of Stephen King on his best.

And I have to say, I look at London where you have a terrible mayor, a terrible, terrible mayor and it’s been so changed, so changed. Now they want to go to Sharia law, but you’re in a different country, you can’t do that. Both the immigration and their suicidal energy ideas will be the death of Western Europe if something is not done immediately.

Analysis: Experts generally agree that our president is just bat-shit crazy.

Now, I think we’re going to have another…. We’re going to find a lot. You’re not going to find all of them. More than 300,000. They’re lost or they’re dead. They’re lost, or they’re dead because of the animals that did this. To protect our citizens, I’ve also designated multiple savage drug cartels as forest.

Analysis: A close examination of the audio at the 33 minute mark confirms that he did in fact say, “forest.” This is in line with the president’s belief that…. OK, look, no one knows what the [redacted] he’s talking about.

Crime+Environment+Energy

Washington D.C. was the crime capital of America. Now, it’s a totally… After 12 days, it’s a totally safe city. Everyone’s going out to dinner, they’re going out to restaurants. Your wife can walk down the middle of the street with or without you. Nothing’s going to happen.

Analysis: Safety experts advise against walking down the middle of the street.

Washington D.C. is now a totally safe city again and I welcome you to come. In fact, we’ll have dinner together at a local restaurant and we’ll be able to walk. We don’t have to go by an armor-plated vehicle. We’ll walk right over there from the White House. They’ve given up their powerful edge. A lot of the countries that we’re talking about and oil and gas, such as essentially closing the Great North Sea oil. Oh, the North Sea.

Analysis: Um, has anyone ever discussed with you the oratorical concept of “transition?”

And what a tremendous asset for the United Kingdom. And I hope the prime minister’s listening because I told it to him three days in a row. That’s all he heard. North Sea oil, North Sea, because I want to see them do well.

Analysis: The human mind simply cannot comprehend the horror of being backed into a corner somewhere in Westminster, feeling droplets of spit on one’s face as Donald Trump repeats the words, “North Sea oil, North Sea” for three days in a row. We hope that Keir Starmer is getting therapy.

All of these predictions [of global warming] made by the United Nations and many others, often for bad reasons were wrong. They were made by stupid people that of course their country’s fortunes and given those same countries, no chance for success. If you don’t get away from this green scam, your country is going to fail. And I’m really good at predicting things. They actually said during the campaign, they had a hat, the best-selling hat. Trump was right about everything. And I don’t say that in a braggadocious way, but it’s true.

Analysis: Dear Earth, we are so, so sorry!

In the United States, we have still radicalized environmentalists and they want the factories to stop. Everything should stop. No more cows. We don’t want cows anymore. I guess they want to kill all the cows.

Analysis: Alternatively, under the President’s “Only Cow’s Left Behind” program, steaks will be humanely excised from living cattle.

In Asia, they dump much of their garbage right into the ocean. And over about a one-week and two-week journey, it flows right past Los Angeles. You’ve seen it, massive amounts of garbage. Almost too much to do anything about, flowing past Los Angeles, past San Francisco, and then somebody would get in trouble because he dropped a cigarette on the beach.

Analysis: He just crossed the allotted 45 minutes…Jesus H. Christ in a Control Booth, why doesn’t someone kill the mic?

And if you add coal, we have the most of any nation in the world. Clean. I call it clean, beautiful coal. You can do things today with coal that you couldn’t have done 10 years ago, 15 years. So I have a little standing order in the White House. Never use the word coal, only use the words clean, beautiful coal. Sounds much better, doesn’t it?

Analysis: And black lung disease is now “clean, beautiful lung disease.”

Something about Brazil for some reason

Brazil now faces major tariffs in response to its unprecedented efforts to interfere in the rights and freedoms of our American citizens and others with censorship, repression, weaponization, judicial corruption, and targeting of political critics in the United States.

Analysis: What the president means here is that by putting its former wannabe-dictator president in jail where he belongs, Brazil is a shining light unto the world!

Freedom and stuff

Next year the United States will celebrate the 250th anniversary of our glorious independence, a testament to enduring power and American freedom and spirit. We will also be proudly hosting the 2026 FIFA World Cup, and shortly thereafter, the 2028 Olympics, which is going to be very exciting. I hope you all come.

Analysis: Unless you come from, like, a foreign country, in which case stay home!

Conclusion

In closing, just want to repeat that immigration and the high cost of so-called green renewable energy is destroying a large part of the free world and a large part of our planet.

Analysis: Uh, yeah, whatever. We’re so tired.

We’re going to make our countries better, safer, more beautiful. We’re going to take care of our people. Thank you very much. It’s been an honor. God bless the nations of the world. Thank you very much. Bye.

Analysis: This planet is doomed. Is the bar open yet?