U.S. Senator and Yale law school graduate J.D. Vance
“If you are a, you know, middle-class or upper-middle-class white parent, and the only thing that you care about is whether your child goes into Harvard or Yale, like, obviously, that pathway has become a lot harder for a lot of upper-middle-class kids. But the one way that those people can participate in the D.E.I. bureaucracy in this country is to be trans.”—Senator J.D. Vance, on the Joe Rogan Show, 10/31/24
SCENE: Career counselor’s office, Upper Lower Middlebury Preparatory School
CAREER COUNSELOR: Let’s see now…Captain, lacrosse team…check!
Charles Stanton Herringbone III (senior, ’25): Got my letter jacket on!
CC: Eagle Scout…check! B-ish GPA…check! Safely Protestant religious affiliation…check! Gender: reassuringly masculine! Race: We don’t care about race here at Upper Lower Middlebury Prep! But still, white!
CSHIII: Is that a crime now?
CC: Father: Harvard ’89, current mega-donor!
CSHIII: Pop’s a generous, civic-minded guy!
CC: [darkly] With a sterling record like that, you should be a shoo-in for, say…Florida State or Texas…
CSHIII: What? I can’t go to a public school! Can you imagine me, years from now at a cocktail party or the Supreme Court cloakroom, starting a conversation with, “years ago, when I was an undergrad at Wisconsin-Muskingum….”?
CC: Well, back when America was great, before about 1967, or between 2016 and 2020, it wouldn’t have been a problem. But now, with this damned DEI business…
CSHIII: What’s DEI?
CC: It’s where they admit applicants based on their overall promise, even if they went to a crappy K-12 system in a poor school district and couldn’t afford SAT coaches…
CSHIII: But that’s horrible! That’s…
CC: Yes, that’s how they do things in communist China and California. But your case isn’t hopeless. There is…a way. If you were to apply not as Charles Stanton Herringbone III, but as Charlene…
CSHIII: You mean, I’d have to change my name to a girl’s name?
CC: Well, er, not just your name, son…
CSHIII: You mean they’d cut off my….
CC: Yes, son, I’m afraid so. That’s the price of greatness these days.
CSHIII: And I’d have to wear a dress?
CC: Well, not necessarily…I think you could still wear jeans. I need to look that up….
CSHIII: Hey, could I go into the girl’s restroom any time I wanted?
CC: Well, yes, I think so, except in Texas and South Carolina….
CSHIII: And could I still assault women and then deny it and escape punishment by slandering the reputation of my victim?
CC: Well, not “assault” in the traditional patriarchy-approved sense of the word, exactly…
CSHIII: Hmmm…well, could I at least be the first trans Supreme Court justice?
What’s wrong with you, America? Have you gone mad? Is this just a terrible dream? Are you trying to scare me?
Mission accomplished!
What is it about Trump you love so much? His eloquent, insightful speeches? His command of facts and figures? His empathetic affection for humankind? His warm sense of humor? His life of selfless public service? His personal charm and good looks?
I suppose it would be paranoia on my part to think that so many of my fellow Americans openly adore this repulsive convicted huckster just because they know it drives me crazy. But I can’t come up with any other explanation.
If Donald Trump wins, I may have to move. Not abroad–I wouldn’t desert my country in her hour of need. Just to a state where recreational pot is legal. How else am I supposed to get through the next four years?
It’s strange that Trump claims that immigrants are destroying this country, considering that all four of his grandparents were either immigrants or foreigners, not to mention his own mother, two-thirds of his brides, and his running mate’s in-laws. For goodness’ sake, four of his five children are the children of immigrants.
But maybe he’s on to something. It only took one wicked immigrant to ruin Twitter.
But (you object) Trump is mainly referring to “illegal” immigrants. It’s not a distinction he always makes. But in any case, this country badly needs a lot more immigrants. We need them to build houses and harvest crops and care for our sick and elderly. We need their intellectual talent to enhance our teaching and research ranks, as Kamala Harris’ parents did. We need them to work and pay into our dwindling Social Security fund. We need them to start families and help our aging society to stay vital.
And all that requires a secure, efficient, humane immigration system. But a festering morass of politically astute resentment named Donald Trump put the kibosh on the bipartisan bill that would have done just that,
The New York Times’ poll watchers have recently floated the possibility of Donald Trump actually winning the popular vote. What would be more dispiriting: Trump playing the electoral map better than Harris and winning a second time in spite of losing the popular vote, or finding out that most Americans really do want him as their president?
In the debate between the vice-presidential candidates, journalist Margaret Brennan pointed out to Vance that not so long ago, he had described Trump as “America’s Hitler.” And Vance didn’t flinch. He didn’t deny the charge. He responded that he had been wrong, had been misled by “the media,” and had since changed his mind about Trump.
So Vance and I are in absolute agreement about one thing: since Vance likened Trump to Hitler, Trump hasn’t changed; Vance has.
Journalists love to ask Kamala Harris what she would do differently than Biden. Harris has been unable to answer the question adroitly. “Well, I’m obviously not Joe Biden” was funny the first time, but it’s not an answer.
Still, it’s a dumb question. Harris still has a day job, namely, vice president of the United States. That job consists first and foremost of enabling her boss to do his difficult and supremely important work. In what particular universe do you make your boss’ job more difficult by publicly nitpicking their performance? Unless your boss does something really awful, like trying to destroy our democracy….
“I think the bigger problem are the people from within. We have some very bad people. We have some sick people, radical left lunatics. And I think they’re the — and it should be very easily handled by — if necessary, by National Guard or, if really necessary, by the military.”—Donald John Trump, Republican candidate for president of the United States of America, Fox News interview, October 13 2024.
Dear once and possibly future Commander-In-Chief Donald Trump,
Don’t shoot! I surrender!
I am terrified that I might be included in your target demographic of “sick radical left lunatics.” Do you have to be all four to qualify, or just one? If you could please clarify!
I don’t consider myself sick, though I have had the sniffles lately.
Nor radical. Probably the most radical thing I ever did was vote for the independent presidential candidate John B. Anderson in 1980. Remember him? No? Anyway, not exactly a Marxist revolutionary.
I like to think I don’t belong in the lunatic category, but let’s be honest, that’s pretty subjective. I mean, injecting COVID patients with bleach? Only a lunatic would suggest something like that, ha ha! No, wait, don’t shoot!
But I could be fairly described as “left.” It doesn’t take much these days! For example, in my house we compost.
I don’t feel like an “enemy,” but the U.S. military isn’t too concerned with making fine distinctions within the other side once they get rolling. And you have been making me feeling uncomfortably “other” lately.
So let me proactively repeat: I surrender!
Because basically, I’m a coward. I mean, I can probably throw a punch about as well as the next Medicare-eligible U.S. citizen, but I don’t do so good against, like, shrapnel or machine-gun rounds. In the defensive weaponry category, I don’t own so much as a BB gun. And even if I had a military-grade assault rifle like so many of your lunatic, I mean patriotic, fans carry around, it would probably hurt more than help against your Abrams tanks, your Stryker armored vehicles, your mortars light, medium and heavy, your A10 Warthog fighter jets, your what-have-you. And beyond all that, I’m really not interested in opening fire against my fellow citizens, in uniform or out.
So I’ll go peacefully. You can pick me up anytime and cart me off to Guantanamo. If possible I’d like to take along a few books, a package of Nutter Butters, and a bottle or two of Jameson’s.
If, on the other hand, the nice, sane, thoughtful, principled candidate wins, as I desperately pray that she does, then you can take your mean-spirited fascist threats and stick them up your fat felonius spray-tanned gold-plated [expletive] [expletive] sand-trap.
After Irving Berlin’s descendants successfully sue to prevent Donald Trump from playing “God Bless America” at his rallies, the former president is legally restricted to two remaining tunes: Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to Be an American” and the medieval ditty “Hey Nonny Nonny.”
The missing dog which ultimately triggered unfounded rumors of immigrants devouring pets in Springfield, Ohio, is found cowering under the front porch while his owner’s middle-schooler practices the tuba.
Taylor Swift briefly causes a worldwide panic after she abruptly vanishes in front of 100,000 concertgoers in Frankfurt, before it’s determined that she has spontaneously ascended to heaven, where she and her band are playing a six-week residency at the right hand of Goddess.
After all votes are counted, recounted, and rechecked by trained octopi in order to avoid accusations of partisanship, Donald John Trump is found to have lost the electoral vote for President of the United States of America to Kamala Devi Harris, 535-3. “Look, we just felt sorry for the guy,” explains Alaska.
Obsolete Tesla Cybertrucks fuel a thriving aftermarket as stainless steel dumpsters. “It looks kind of ugly compared to my old dumpster,” explains one business owner, “but it holds more [stuff].”
This year’s Emmy awards are cancelled when organizers agree that the Netflix series Decameron is just going to win everything anyway.
Hamas returns its hostages, renounces terrorism, and acknowledges Israel’s right to exist, and Israel quits blowing up crowded urban neighborhoods and hospitals in Gaza, after the grownups on both sides wake up from their nap and take back control.
After being overwhelmed with tourists for the past 70 years, Mediterranean nations shut down for an indefinite period. “Nothing personal, I just need some ‘me’ time,” explains a haggard-looking Italy.
We’re effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs, by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at [sic] their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too.— JD Vance, interview with Tucker Carlson, Fox News, July 2021
The Trump campaign promoted an outlandish false claim on Monday that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, have abducted and eaten their neighbors’ pets, again demonizing migrants as the campaign seeks to attack Vice President Kamala Harris on immigration—New York Times, “Trump Campaign Amplifies False Claim About Haitian Migrants in Ohio,” 9/9/24
Editor’s Note: So which is it? Are the evil forces threatening to make America even ungreater a bunch of coastal elite childless cat people, or anchor-baby-dropping cat-consuming immigrants?
In the public interest, we tracked down the apotheosis of rightwing paranoia in an actual coastal elite cat-eating childless cat lady illegal immigrant, and arranged an interview with her, in her palatial immigrant-shelter villa in Springfield, Ohio.
CECE: Pleased to meet you, Garden of Eaton! I do hope you’ll be staying for tea! We’ll be having kitty en croûte or puppy au Poupon this evening. It all depends on whatever my cook Anatole discovers in the city pound this morning, or perhaps finds straying unwisely from a back yard…
GOE: I’m a bit confused, Coastal Elite Cat-Eating Childless Cat Lady Illegal Immigrant! How can you be a cat lady who also eats cats?
CECE: I’m afraid you haven’t been following your Fox News lately! It’s not our cats in the cassoulet, my dear, it’s other people’s. I would never eat my Muffin!…although perhaps in pinch…I mean with this horrid Bidenflation! Have you seen the price of corn lately? It’s frightfully expensive to raise a good, tender cat these days…
GOE: Cats eat corn?
CECE: Of course not, silly! But rats love it! So we force-feed our imported Norwegian rats with corn, and when they’re nice and plump, we force-feed the cat with the force-fed rat… I mean, we’re not your common vulgar alley-cat eating Childless Cat Lady Illegal Immigrants. We’re the CoastalElite Cat-Eating….
GOE: It sounds like so much trouble. Does cat really taste so much better than, say…chicken?
CECE: Cats taste quite awful actually, though Anatole does miracles with his truckloads of parsley and butter. But the larger point here is that just the idea of intentionally harming a household pet incites fear and hatred in…just about anyone, except maybe Alex Jones. So a shrewd politician can marry the specter of a kitty-killer to all the insecurities and ignorance grumpy working-class white guys have around immigrants, intellectuals, uppity women, and…voilà! Coastal Elite Cat-Eating Childless Cat Lady Illegal Immigrant! And then you identify that, the ultimate other, with your political opposition. With a strategy like that, any idiot can be elected president of the United States of America…and has been!
GOE: But how can you be a coastal elite and an illegal immigrant?
CECE: Have you ever heard of Port-au-Prince?
GOE: Of course, it’s a city on the coast of…oh, ok.
CECE: And we all speak French, which automatically makes us elite, and probably communist.
GOE: I don’t know, you seem so unreal…
CECE: Of course I’m unreal! The more fantastic the better!
GOE: But how can you be an effective right-wing fever dream if you’re not even believable?
CECE: Who’s unbelievable? Let’s try a little thought experiment. Think of a common, adorable tradition that American families practice together, regardless of political conviction, race, or religion.
GOE: OK, how about…pizza night out with the wife and kids?
CECE: Great! And what’s the most revolting thing a human being can do?
GOE: Sexually abuse a child, without a doubt.
CECE: Bingo! Put the two together, hang it on Hilary Clinton, and you’ve got this preposterous thing called Pizzagate! And millions of Americans thought that was legit! But now I’m unbelievable! Oh, look what Anatole has brought us! Hot puppy puffs! You simply must try one, I insist!
GOE: Um, I’d love to, actually, but I’m, er…hyper-allergic to shrimp and…canine meat products!
CECILIA: Oh for heaven’s sake, they’re pizza puffs from Costco. You people will believe anything!
Donald Trump’s vice-presidential candidate JD Vance has defended resurfaced comments…The Senator from Ohio said the country was being run “by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too”—BBC.com, 7/26/24
PLACE: Anytown U.S.A.
TIME: Today
ELVIRA, QUEEN OF THE CCLP (Childless Cat Lady People): BWAHAHAHA! Welcome to the monthly Zoom call of the CCLP, where we discuss our evil plans to…wait, can everybody hear me? Well heavens, what’s wrong now? You know, my computer is so old! Maybe I forgot to…OK, how about now?
CAT LADY FLORA: We can hear you now, Elvira!
ELVIRA: OK, BWAHAHAHA! Welcome, evil Childless Cat Lady People of America! Cat Lady Flora, what have you been doing this month to sap the virility of honest hardworking heterosexual childbearing America?
FLORA: Oh, I’ve done something pretty wicked, Queen Elvira. I donated five dollars to my local progressive-leaning public radio station!
ELVIRA: Why Flora, you are so nasty, ha ha!
FLORA: Oh, it’s even nastier than that, Elvira. I put it on autopay…I’m sending them five dollars…every month! I’m enabling them…to spread wicked lies about how the economy is actually doing pretty good and violent crime is down since Biden took office and…
ELVIRA: But those aren’t lies, Flora, that’s all true!
FLORA: Oh I know that, Elvira, but “wicked lies” sounds so much more fun than “responsible journalism!”
ELVIRA: Your report, Cat Lady Lucy Mae!
CAT LADY LUCY MAE: You will be so pleased, Your Evil Ladyship! I have signed up for weekly cha-cha classes at the local senior center!
ELVIRA: Um, ok…and that furthers our evil conspiracy…how?
LUCY MAE: By squandering valuable taxpayer money, since the classes are…FREE! BWAHAHAHA! Uh oh, looks like I frightened poor Gingersnap! It’s okay baby, that’s just mama’s evil laugh!
ELVIRA: Great way to use up public resources that might otherwise go to building a wall or reducing taxes even further on the wealthiest Americans, Lucy Mae!
CAT LADY YVONNE: Oh, can I go next, Your Serene Ailurophilic Childlessness? I volunteered to work late hours at the early voting station in November…
ELVIRA: Oh no! That means you are enabling…
YVONNE: Yes, O feline-fondling fiend! I am enabling working class and minority voters to exercise their rights as citizens without having to take time off from work! BWAHAHAHA!
ELVIRA: BWAHAHAHA, my evil infecund sister!
CAT LADY MOIRA: Oh, Queen Elvira, I have a confession to make. I have been hiding a horrible secret…I actually have children! Oh, I’m so wicked! And today I found out…I’m going to be a grandmother!
ELVIRA: Oh, that’s all right honey, we’re not real strict about that around here! Congratulations! [AWKWARD PAUSE] But you do…have a cat, right?
MOIRA: Oh yes, Sister Most Sinister! I have three! No wait, four! Cause last week the shelter called and asked if I could take a kitten just until they found someone, but it was just the cutest little thing, and we bonded right away, and I’m thinking about calling her Shredder because she just loves to…
ELVIRA: I’m so sorry, I just got a little window saying we’re out of time…BWAHAHAHA til next week!
Coastal elite: the group of educated, professional people living mainly in cities on the western or northeastern coasts of the U.S. who have liberal political views and are often considered to have advantages that most ordinary Americans do not have. – Cambridge online dictionary
Take our test to see if you’re…one of us or…one of them! Don’t worry…we won’t tell!
1. I live in…
California, Oregon, New York, or Massachusetts: +5
Texas: -5
Austin, Texas +10
2. As far as religion goes, I am
A normal Christian: -5
Evangelical Christian: -10
Catholic: 0
Catholic, but one of the nutty ones who thinks the pope is a Bolshevist: -15
Atheist: +5
I don’t belong to a church, but I believe there is a divine spirit in all living things and if you want to call it God, that’s cool: +20
3. My wife and I have
Five or more children: -10
No children: +10
I’m wondering why this question assumes I’m male: +20
4. I went to:
Yale Law school: +20
Yale Law school, because I wanna be just like Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Brett Kavanaugh, and Josh Hawley: -20
5. In conversation I casually throw around words like
Transaxle: -10
Transformational: +5
Trans-anything else: +10
6. I believe that slavery in the United States
Existed mainly to provide room, board and vocational training for newly arrived African immigrants: -20
Must we keep talking about it?: -10
Was the economic engine that fueled the young republic, at the cost of horrific suffering by millions of enslaved human beings: +20
7. With respect to Israeli bombing of Palestinian cities in Gaza, I support
The Israelis, cause they’re like semi-Christian, and the Palestinians are zero percent Christian: -20
The Israelis, cause the other guys started it!: -10
Um, it’s complicated? Israel has a right to defend itself against terrorist groups like Hamas, but it shouldn’t use that as a pretext for destroying so many civilian lives: +20
8. I am voting for Donald Trump:
Cause that’s what God wants: -20
Cause he actually says what I think, but it sounds stupid when I say it: -10
Cause our democracy is obviously headed for the crapper and we might as well get it over with: +10
9. The economy is obviously in terrible shape since
I can barely afford to fill up my F150: -10
What’s an F150?: +10
10. I believe that the 2024 presidential election
Will be won by Donald Trump, if the coastal elites don’t manage to steal it again: -20
Will be free and fair, cause I know this lady who’s been working down at the middle school for every election and she don’t allow no nonsense: +20
11. My favorite movie is
Cool Hand Luke, about an individual who is crushed for standing up to the liberal bourgeois system: -10
Cool Hand Luke, about an individual who is crushed for standing up to the reactionary bourgeois system: +10
12. Global Warming is
A hoax perpetrated by coastal elites who hate ordinary hardworking oil and gas company stockholders: -20
Kind of annoying but driving my F150 is worth a coral reef or two: -10
The reason I bought a stupid overpriced Tesla from Elon [expletive] Musk: +10
Results: if your score is…
Less than zero: Take the Civil Service Exam and prepare for an exciting career in the new Great America, opening January, 2025!
More than zero: Where do you get your news from, the newspaper?
Like many of you, I watched the “debate” between Donald Trump and Joe Biden a couple of weeks ago, at least until a feeling akin to horror caused me to change the channel.
If you have followed this blog at all, you know that I am the furthest thing from an adorer of Trump. But I am also convinced that Biden does not belong in the White House any longer.
And I find it alarming that the argument over whether Biden should stay in the race or drop out revolves around whether or not he can beat Trump at the polls. But that’s the wrong question.
Even if a Biden victory were a dead certainty (which of course it’s anything but), even if Biden were opposed by a heavenly angel instead of evil incarnate (and I classify Trump closer to the latter), the Democratic National Committee must find a way to select another candidate.
Joe Biden has been a thoughtful, effective and humane president, on everything from mitigating the economic impact of COVID on small businesses, frustrating Vladimir Putin’s land grab in the Ukraine, and coaxing heavy industry into a more climate-friendly future. But after seeing him utterly confused in the debate, I wouldn’t trust him to look after a toddler on the beach for an hour. Would you? So how can we entrust him with a fractious nuclear-armed (and nuclear-threatened) nation of 300+ million people for the next four and a half years?
To be clear, if the race remains Trump vs. Biden, I will of course vote for Biden. (Though, as a resident of Texas, my vote is rather pointless.) But if that is the case, I won’t forgive the Democratic Party.
We liberals, we progressives, we who like to think of ourselves as rational and enlightened, don’t hide the truth, and pretend that our guy is super duper when we know his mental health is in serious trouble. We don’t pretend his faults don’t exist, or that they’re just fabricated by the other side, or that they’re actually virtues. We wouldn’t actually nominate a man who we know is unfit for the job, and pretend everything is all right, because we think the American people are too dumb and would be too confused to make the right choice if we pick a competent person instead.
No, we leave that kind of thing for the other side, because we’re…the good guys. Right?
But permit me to climb down from my admittedly high horse and consider the situation more concretely. If Biden does somehow manage to win the race, we will have a dangerously feeble occupant in the White House, 8:00 p.m. bedtime notwithstanding. And if Donald Trump wins against Biden, we will have at least 4 horrific years of having to ask ourselves, “what if?”
Louisiana is the first state to require the display of the Ten Commandments in every public school classroom after Republican Gov. Jeff Landry signed a bill into law Wednesday.—foxnews.com, 6/19/24
Thou shalt not kill—from The Ten Commandments
I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters.—Donald John Trump, 1/23/2016
Editor’s Note: The state of Louisiana has taken the admirable step of forcibly inculcating every schoolchild with ancient Jewish wisdom. We note, however, that a literal reading of the Ten Commandments may appear to be in conflict with the realities of the Make America Great Again movement, causing doubt, suspicion, and even critical thinking among our youngest, most vulnerable citizens. Therefore we suggest these long-needed improvements. As always…you’re welcome!
The Ten Most Totally Awesome Commandments Ever
I Thou shalt have no other gods before Donald Trump. Mike Pence tried it and look what happened to him!
II Graven images are totally banned, but T shirts, coffee mugs, yard signs, billboards and golden sneakers are highly encouraged.
We tested thousands of elected and appointed public officials, looking for defects like integrity, transparency, or an unfortunate tendency to put the welfare of their constituents above their own material well-being. We found these reliably venal picks for any budget, from obscenely loaded up to filthy rich:
Best All Around Corrupt U.S. Senator: Robert Menendez (D-New Jersey)
Whether you need a guaranteed monopoly for your Halal meat business or a big fat tranche of U.S. taxpayer-funded foreign aid for your military junta, Robert Menendez is a versatile yet powerful U.S. senator who is up to the job.
Price: varies Sen. Menendez is flexible and convenient, accepting almost anything of value, including Mercedes automobiles, gold bars, or the traditional vulgar wad of cash.
Best Budget U.S. Congressman for Everyday Use: Henry Cuellar (D-Texas 28th DIstrict)
Need a speech on the House floor to smooth the way for your foreign oil and gas company? Need regulators to back off from your bank’s money-laundering scheme? Need the State Department to look the other way when you invade and annex another country’s enclave within your borders? You can’t do better than “El Jefe!”
Price:$120,000-600,000
Best Luxury U.S. Supreme Court Justice:Samuel Alito, Jr.
Sam Alito is more public official than most users need. But if you have billions of dollars riding on the outcome of a civil court case, nothing beats having your own U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Plus, with a lifetime appointment, he’ll last for years to come, and he fits in any pocket.
Price: about $100,000, or free travel on a private jet to a remote hunting lodge
Also consider: Justice Clarence Thomas Bothered by inconvenient federal regulations foisted on you by pesky progressive federal legislators? Whether you’re plagued by women trying to take over their own uteri, or stupid bureaucrats stopping you from upgrading your AR-15 to fully automatic, nothing beats having your own justice with a log-sized chip on his shoulder against liberals, intellectuals, and his own Ivy-League law school!
Price: private jet trips, a house for his mother, private school tuition for his grandnephew, and/or a ginormous RV
Today we debut our first podcast, which is about the murder of a priest named Virgilio Costa in Imola, Italy in 1881, the sensational press coverage of his trial, and the novel it inspired, published in 1887: The Priest’s Hat, by Emilio De Marchi.
You can listen to the podcast by clicking the play button here,
In case you have trouble accessing the podcast, or just want to read the transcript, here is a text version:
Verbal Exchange Episode 1: True Crime, Fiction, and the First Italian Noir
Hello, and welcome to Verbal Exchange, a show about literary translation. My name is Steve Eaton.
Today I want to talk about a novel that has been called the first Italian crime novel, or the first Italian noir. Its title is Il cappello del prete, or in English, The Priest’s Hat. It was written by a man named Emilio de Marchi, and first published in installments, in 1887. Last year, an English translation of the novel, by myself and Dr. Cinzia Russi, was published by Italica Press, and I encourage you to download the free sample of the novel on your Kindle or e-reader and check it out.
But before we talk about De Marchi’s novel, I want to say a few words about the actual event, the actual murder, that De Marchi used as the basis of his story.
That story begins in the year 1881 in the town of Imola, in northern Italy, about forty kilometers southeast of the city of Bologna. In August of that year, a priest named Virgilio Costa, a man in his seventies who lived in Imola, suddenly vanished, and his family reported his disappearance to the police. Now, I’m going to describe what happened based on contemporary newspaper accounts. These accounts don’t always agree on the details, but the basic facts are these:
It took some time for the local authorities to determine what happened to Costa, but eventually suspicion fell on a local aristocrat named Count Alessandro Faella. Faella was a man in his forties, with a wife and child. He was a captain of artillery in the Italian army, and had served with distinction in Italy’s war of independence against Austria 20 years earlier. But he was also known as someone with lavish tastes, and a passion for gambling. He personally knew the priest, who was wealthy, and had previously lent the count money.
In October of 1881, two months after Virgilio Costa went missing, the grounds of Count Faella’s villa were searched, and Costa’s body was found. It was discovered at the bottom of a recently dug hole that was about 6 meters deep, or about 20 feet. Costa’s body was reportedly found standing upright in the hole, with his arms raised as though to protect himself from the heavy rocks that were being hurled down at him from above. But according to the coroner’s report, although his body did show signs of severe injury from rocks, the cause of death was asphyxiation. He was apparently buried alive in the debris that was shoveled into the hole after the priest fell or was pushed into it.
Now, the police questioned a worker who had been hired by Faella to dig the hole. The worker had been told by Faella that the hole was to be used as a cistern for cooling wine, which would have been a very ordinary thing to do.
After the hole was finished, Faella dismissed the worker, and evidently had laid some flimsy material, like a thin reed mat, over the opening, and then disguised it by scattering straw over it. Then he had apparently lured the priest into literally walking into his trap.
What was Count Faella’s motivation? Money. He was charged, not only with murder, but with forging an anonymous document sent to local authorities which claimed that Faella had left town indefinitely for missionary work, and had named Faella as executor of his estate. Faella had also forged Costa’s signature on bills of exchange (essentially checks) made out to Faella.
Faella said he was innocent. He told the police that someone else murdered Costa, and placed his body in Faella’s cistern in order to frame him. Faella said that he had found the body but hadn’t reported it, for fear of being falsely accused of the murder, and instead had decided to fill in the cistern and hide it. Nevertheless, he was jailed, and his trial began in Bologna in February of 1882.
The trial of Count Faella for the murder of Virgilio Costa was front page news, not just in Bologna but all over Italy.
The February 19, 1882 edition of the Genoa newspaper L’epoca had an illustration taking up the entire front page, showing an imagined cross section of the cistern, with the priest trying to shield himself from the rocks raining down from above; the next day’s edition also had a large cover illustration showing workers pulling the priest’s body out of the cistern as police and investigators watch.
The weekly magazine Rivista Illustrata Settimanale of Milan had an article in its February 12 issue which began, “Today Italy is little concerned with politics; there are two topics that claim everyone’s attention, although very different: Count Faella and Sarah Bernhardt.” Sarah Bernhardt was the immensely popular French stage actress, who was touring Italy that year, so that gives us an idea of how gripped the Italian public was by this case.
And it wasn’t just news in Italy but across Europe. The Devon Evening Express, for example, included an article in its March 14 issue entitled, titled “A Mystery of Crime in Italy,” which began “All through the spring the Italian public has been eagerly interested in the trial for murder of Count Alessandro Faella. Day by day the gradual unwinding of the plot became more fearful and more complicated[….]The story is strange; no less so than the murder trials of the Renaissance which it recalls to mind, and the actor is difficult and complex in character.”
The news even hopped across the Atlantic and made it into American newspapers. In the March 18 issue of the Boston Pilot, an article appeared titled, “AN INTERESTING MURDER CASE. AN ITALIAN COUNT ACCUSED OF KILLING A PRIEST.” It contained a detailed account of the crime and discussed the upcoming trial.
But the news was already outdated. The editors of the Pilot were apparently unaware that back in Italy, the trial had already begun, and then abruptly ended, with the unexpected death of Count Faella on February 18. What happened? Well, we’ll get to that in a bit.
Right now I want to jump ahead, to five years after Count Faella’s trial and death, and discuss the novel that was based on the murder of Virgilio Costa. That novel was called The Priest’s Hat, or Il Cappello del prete. It was written by Emilio de Marchi, and it debuted in the year 1887, the same year, incidentally, that the first Sherlock Holmes novel, A Study in Scarlet, appeared in the U.K.
Some of the details of the actual crime were changed in the fictionalized version. For example, the action was moved from Bologna in northern Italy to the southern city of Naples. Count Alessandro Faella became Baron Carlo Coriolano of Santafusca. But the essential elements of the crime, its motivation and how it was planned and carried out, remained the same.
The Priest’s Hat was initially published in 43 installments, as daily supplements to the Milan newspaper Italia, in June and July of 1887. The following year, it was published, again in installments, in a newspaper in Naples, as well as in book form.
In recent times it’s been called the first Italian crime novel. The contemporary Italian crime writer Carlo Lucarelli wrote an afterword to a modern edition of novel, in which he states that the Italian noir genre began with The Priest’s Hat.
In 1943, towards the end of Mussolini’s reign, a film adaptation was produced, and in the early 1970’s it was made into a 3-part miniseries on RAI, the Italian state television network. Those three hour-long episodes can be found today on YouTube, although the dialogue is in Italian, without subtitles. And in 2023, an English version of the novel, translated by Cinzia Russi and me, was published by Italica Press.
So that’s a brief history of the book, but now I want to talk about what, in my opinion, makes it special. If it had just been a retelling of a lurid crime with the names and places changed, I think it would have been a pretty forgettable novel. Certainly De Marchi’s intentions went well beyond simply capitalizing on a sensational true story. In the introduction he wrote for the bound version of the novel in 1888, he told his readers that in writing the book, he was conducting an experiment, with two goals. The first objective was, in his words, “To show whether it’s really necessary to go to France to obtain a so-called serialized novel, or if instead with a bit of good will, we ourselves can’t amply and with better judgement provide for the simple needs of our wider public.”
What did De Marchi mean by this, and why he is bringing France into the discussion? Well, we’ve said that The Priest’s hat was first published in a newspaper. This was a very common way to debut a novel in the nineteenth century, and indeed many of the novels we now consider masterpieces were first published this way. War and Peace, The Count of Monte Cristo, Great Expectations, among many others, all began life in serial form in newspapers or journals. In Italian newspapers, these novels were typically not written by Italian authors, but were translations of works originally in French, English, or other languages.
An example of a very successful novelist of this period was the French author Xavier Montépin, who lived from 1823 to 1902. Montépin was a prolific writer, turning out something like 90 novels in the course of his career, and like successful writers of thrillers and romances today, he eventually employed ghost writers to do the writing for him. It was said that he turned out novels “au kilomètre,” or by the kilometer. And in fact De Marchi makes a mocking reference to Montépin in The Priest’s Hat. This is the point in the story after the priest has disappeared, and before his body has been found by the police. His murderer, Baron Santafusca, had hoped and expected that public interest in the priest’s fate would quickly fade away, but unfortunately for the baron, local newspapers have latched onto the case and are making all sorts of lurid speculations about what may have happened to the priest. Santafusca thinks to himself, “Vedi il sogno! vedi la stravaganza! vedi il romanzo di Saverio Montépin!” “What a dream! What an extravaganza! What a novel from Xavier Montépin!”
So our fictional killer didn’t think much of writers like Montépin, and neither did De Marchi himself. And that ties into his second goal for The Priest’s Hat, which he declared was “to conduct an experiment, to find out how much vitality and honesty and reason exists in this wider public, which is so often vilified, and declared to be a hungry beast, sated only by nonsense, filth, and naked flesh, and which our newspapers with a circulation of a hundred thousand copies feel required to feed with slop.”
When De Marchi talks about “the wider public” here, he is referring to working class folk who buy their newspapers from a street vendor, or who are illiterate and listen to their neighbors read the latest installment of a novel aloud. He felt that Italy’s newspapers treated these readers cynically, by feeding them with trashy potboilers, and assuming that they wouldn’t understand or appreciate real literature. De Marchi didn’t think that was true, and he wanted to prove it. And I believe this is why the novel was initially published in serial form, not just in De Marchi’s native Milan, but also in Naples.
De Marchi states in his introduction, “This Priest’s Hat, printed by two newspapers with different sensibilities in two cities at the extremes of Italy, Milan’s Italia and Naples’ Corriere di Napoli, has accomplished more than the author hoped for.” When De Marchi refers to the “extremes of Italy” he’s not really talking about geographical location. Milan, which not coincidentally was the writer’s home town, was considered the cultural and intellectual capital of Italy, home to its banking industry, the La Scala opera house, and the center of its publishing industry, as it remains today. Naples on the other hand was thought of as the symbolic capital of southern Italy, which was associated with poverty, illiteracy, and crime. De Marchi aimed to demonstrate that readers in Naples would be just as receptive to a serious novel as those in Milan.
But he also believed that literature had a mission: to both entertain, and educate and improve, its readers. In his words, he sought to “nourish, within the excitement of their curiosity, some living feelings of justice and beauty, which elevate the soul.”
To give you an idea of De Marchi’s outlook, in 1887, the same year that The Priest’s Hat was published, he also published a book aimed at teenage boys, titled L’eta’ preziosa (“The Precious Age”), meant to advise and guide the young into becoming responsible adults. In the introduction he writes:
“I know that the biographies of many famous men tell tales of an unrestrained, lost youth, which doesn’t stop someone from attaining goodness and glory. In the hands of a young man these examples, without the necessary reflections, can cause misunderstandings and lead to bad consequences. I want to put them on guard against hasty decisions.”
So De Marchi was certainly successful in accomplishing his first stated goal, that of writing a popular serialized novel in Italian, instead of importing and translating one from abroad. What about his second goal, that of writing a work that is ennobling and uplifting? And if so, what moral lessons was De Marchi trying to impart?
To answer those questions, I would like to talk about what I think makes this novel special.
The most important ingredient that De Marchi adds to the true story of Count Faella and Virgilio Costa is that he tells the story through the eyes of the killer, as he tries to keep his crime a secret, and to shift suspicion elsewhere.
What sort of person is De Marchi’s Baron of Santafusca? Well, De Marchi describes him in the very first sentence of the novel:
“Baron Carlo Coriolano of Santafusca did not believe in God and still less in the devil, or even, though a good son of Naples, in witches or evil spells.”
And the author goes on to give the reader a brief history of Santafusca’s life, the life of a boy raised in a privileged, aristocratic family, a brave young soldier, now a middle-aged man who loves fine clothes, cigars, beautiful women, and gambling, and who has carelessly frittered away his inheritance. But I think the key to Santafusca lies in that first sentence. As we continue to see throughout the novel, he doesn’t believe in anything. Or rather, he believes only in himself. He tells he himself that morality is a meaningless abstraction, and that therefore any actions he takes to save his own skin and stay out of prison only confirm his own natural superiority.
This is Santafusca talking to himself, trying to convince himself that there’s really nothing wrong in murdering an innocent man, who in the novel is a priest named Don Cirillo:
“Cirillo the Priest was already a carcass consigned to death. Time would have destroyed little by little what the strength of a man destroyed in a moment. It was thus a question of months and days, which vanish into the great number of years, and are nothing over time without end.”
De Marchi also made an interesting decision with respect to the character of Santafusca’s victim.. While Don Cirillo is certainly an innocent victim, he’s not a very sympathetic character. He is an old man who has become wealthy through exploiting the poor and working people of Naples, by loaning money to those in financial distress. He himself lives in poverty, and he values the accumulation of money for its own sake, unlike the spendthrift Baron. But rather than using his money for doing good works, he believes that by leaving his money to charity after his death, he is paying for his own salvation.
I believe that De Marchi is saying that both the baron and Don Cirillo are wrong. Don Cirillo can’t buy his way into heaven. And Santafusca, in some way, will have to face the consequences for his murder.
What are those consequences?
You may remember that I spoke earlier about the abrupt end of Count Alessandro Faella’s trial in February of 1882. Faella was, or claimed to be, in poor health, too ill to attend his own trial. Before it could result in a verdict, he was found dead in his jail cell. The Rivista illustrata settimanale of Milan reported that a chemical test indicated that Faella had died of poisoning, presumably by his own hand.
Why am I telling you this? Have I spoiled the ending for you? No, because that’s not what happens to De Marchi’s Baron of Santafusca. If you want to know what happens to him, you’ll have to read the novel.
So far I’ve painted a pretty dark picture of this narrative about a selfish playboy murdering a miserly old priest. And there is a lot of darkness in this story. But there is also a lot of joy and humor. That joy comes from the important parts played by all of its other characters, servants and groundskeepers, policeman, journalists, fishmongers, barbers and tailors, the peasants who farm Santafusca’s ancestral lands, and many others. The Priest’s Hat functions as a love letter to the people of Naples, especially its poor and working-class people, precisely the kind of people De Marchi wrote this novel for.
The most important of those other characters is an unassuming parish priest named Don Antonio. He is important to the novel for two reasons. First of all, in terms of plot, he unintentionally sets in motion a chain of events that ultimately lead the authorities to suspect the baron. Incidentally, that’s where the priest’s hat of the title comes into play. But more importantly, I believe it is through the unlikely person of Don Antonio that De Marchi intends to arouse, in his words, “living feelings of justice and beauty, which elevate the soul.” How he does that, well, I’d rather leave that for you to find out.
Again, the novel is The Priest’s Hat, by Emilio De Marchi, translated by Steve Eaton and Cinzia Russi, published by Italica Press, available in hard copy or Kindle versions on all the usual online booksellers.
This has been Verbal Exchange, and my name is Steve Eaton. I invite you to visit my blog at gardenofeaton.home.blog
I’m going to leave you now with a recording of the song “Santa Lucia.” This is a quite famous song. Its title refers to a neighborhood that runs along the bay of Naples, and in the novel it’s played and sung at a celebration. Here is the great Enrico Caruso performing Santa Lucia.