On “Servant of the People”

By 1+1 – https://www.kinopoisk.ru/film/942397/, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=60575960

I’ve started watching the Ukrainian sitcom Servant of the People, available on Netflix, and it’s a funny, surreal, and horrifying experience.

The premise of the show is this: a high-school student surreptitiously records a video of his history teacher, Vasily Goloborodko, as he rants to a colleague about the corrupt Ukrainian election system, its mediocre candidates, and the subservient populace that lets it continue. The video goes viral. The teacher’s students, without letting him know, start a GoFundMe page to pay for his candidacy. At the same time, the power brokers, who customarily collude behind the scenes to fix the election, decide on a whim to actually let the election play out, rather than wasting money on sham campaigns. As a result, the thirty-something schoolteacher literally wakes up one morning to find out that he’s been elected president of his country.

It’s pretty funny. Much of the humor (of the first two episodes at least) derives from all the privileges the new president and his family are suddenly confronted with—the kind of privileges they claimed to detest before. For example, when Goloborodko is taken (by presidential motorcade) to a branch bank to make the monthly payment on the loan he took out to pay for a microwave oven, the teller cheerfully informs him that his debt has been suddenly wiped clean…he just happened to be the winner of a promotional contest! Goloborodko’s father starts getting phone calls from long-lost friends, and proudly promises cabinet positions for all of them. The rundown public tenement where Goloborodko, his parents and his niece all share a cramped apartment suddenly gets a new paint job and landscaping. Etcetera. It’s evident that the arc of the story will be largely occupied with how Goloborodko comes to grips with all the interests trying to pressure him, and whether he can retain his integrity.

It’s a surreal experience, because the actor who plays the schoolteacher is one Volodymyr Zelensky, a former comedian who is now in fact the president of the Ukraine. Because President Zelensky’s face has become so familiar, it’s a struggle to watch the show—which originally aired from 2015 to 2019—without feeling as if you are actually watching the president of the Ukraine, who for some reason decided to act in a TV show as a schoolteacher who becomes president.

But there is a vaguely sickening aspect to the experience of watching this show. Why?

The show functions partly as a social and political satire, mocking the corrupt, self-serving and hypocritical aspects of Ukrainian society. But it is not a dark comedy. Its tone is fundamentally cheerful and optimistic. In the opening credits, Goloborodko bicycles to work in the presidential palace in the golden morning sunlight of Kyiv, along clean, spacious boulevards and past green, blossoming parks. The future of the country, as represented by the good-natured students in his history class, looks bright. The country’s real power brokers, represented by three meaty, elderly men in suits, who always seem to be sharing cocktails or a lavish meal, their faces obscured, are still in control, but you have the feeling that Goloborodko will eventually be more than a match for them.

The problem is of course that since February of this year, reality has turned out so much worse for the people and country of the Ukraine than anyone could have imagined during the production of this show. You can’t help but wonder who, among the actors of the show, are still in the country. Are they all still alive? Are the gleaming towers and baroque palaces that Goloborodko bicycles past still intact, or are they in flames? The real Ukraine may have gotten its uncorrupted, everyman president, but that did nothing to stop Russian bombs and artillery shells from turning the country into a deadly nightmare. This TV show about corruption and hypocrisy now seems…terribly innocent. It’s like watching an old home video someone made of an impossibly cute kindergarten play, knowing in retrospect that the happy children in it will later be sexually abused. It feels a little wrong to take pleasure in watching Servant of the People, knowing what is happening now to that servant and those people. But I’m going to keep watching it. And rooting for its actors and their countrymen.

We try to find something positive to say, and think, and feel, here in the Garden. In this case, here it is: this show is more evidence that the Ukraine is a country worth saving—a country in which a comedy about its own corrupt government thrived for three seasons and 51 episodes, and ended up by arguably making its own fantasy a reality. It’s hard to imagine such a project lasting beyond the pilot episode in today’s Mother Russia.

Texas’ AG: Follow My Cruel, Stupid Orders, Unless It Makes Me Look Cruel And Stupid

As we have written before, the Great and Sovereign State of Texas, a place we love and call our home, is a scary, stupid state. It is especially so around this time of year, when primary elections take place.

You see, no Democrat has won any statewide office in Texas since 1994. In such a safely Republican state, the general election is irrelevant. What matters is which Republican candidate wins the primary, and our cynical state leaders have decided that the way to win a primary here is to be more reactionary, more macho, and in many ways more cruel towards vulnerable people than their opponent. And my fellow Texans have rewarded this strategy with electoral victories.

What this means in practice is that our unimaginative leaders search for ever more ways to make more guns available to more people to carry in more places with fewer restrictions than ever before; find new ways to make life more difficult for women who want to get an abortion, by twisting and torturing the meaning of the Constitution and Supreme Court rulings to the breaking point; conduct witch-hunts on books held in school libraries; send an otherwise law-abiding ex-convict to a lengthy prison stay for the crime of casting her vote; threaten to revoke tenure for public university professors who want to discuss the possibility that one’s quality of life in these United States is affected by the color of their skin; make the act of voting more difficult and complicated for any demographic perceived to vote Democratic; use my tax dollars to file lawsuit after lawsuit against the federal government…and the list goes on.

Another recent example of cruel political cynicism was foisted upon us by our state’s top cop, Attorney General Dan Patrick, who wants to convict parents who support their child’s sexual identification of child abuse.

Last year, the state legislature tried and failed to pass a law defining medical care such as hormone therapy for minors as child abuse.*

But who needs a law? Patrick simply issued an official opinion that such medical care constitutes child abuse. That was all our governor, Greg Abbott, needed to hear. He directed the Department of Family and Protective Services to investigate the parents of children receiving such care for child abuse.

And wouldn’t you know it…there is at least one good public servant who actually works for the department—a child-abuse investigator—who has provided “gender-affirming care” for her daughter. She made the mistake of asking her boss about Abbott’s ruling and how it might affect her and her family.

According the Austin-American Statesman, “Within hours of making the inquiry[…]the employee was placed on leave, and a child-abuse investigator came to her home the next day to determine if her daughter had been abused[…].”

The woman filed suit, and judge issued a temporary restraining order against the state, stopping its child-abuse investigation of her. True to form, Patrick appealed that ruling.

In his appeal, Patrick–the man of a thousand lawsuits against the U.S. government–complained that the woman was “self-reporting” child abuse in order to “gin up” a test case.

In other words (Patrick is saying), the woman was only complying with his legal opinion, potentially losing her job, her daughter, and going to jail as a child-abuser, just in order to expose Patrick’s ruling as stupid and cruel. Some “gin up!”

None of which suggested to Patrick that he actually revise his legal opinion, or drop the investigation against her, but rather that it be allowed to proceed…without her pesky lawsuit.

So to all you lawbreakers in Texas: go and ahead and turn yourselves in…unless it makes our Attorney General look stupid and cruel. We can’t have that!

_______________________________________________________________________

 *For the basic facts behind this case I rely on the article in the March 10 2022 Austin-American Statesman, “Court sides with trans teen’s family”

Texas, You Missed One

I will not stand by and let looney [sic] Marxist UT [University of Texas] professors poison the minds of young students with Critical Race Theory.—Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick via Twitter, February 16, 2022

The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Working men of all countries, unite!—Karl Marx

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.—Matthew 5:5

Dear Mr. Patrick,

Thank you for doing your best to protect our children from those loony Marxist professors who infest our state’s flagship public university. But I have to call your attention to a frightening example of radical religious teaching that has been allowed to spread like a disease all across our state. (Like a phony, made-up disease, I mean.)

It all comes from a horrid little book they call “the Bible.” Especially Part 2, which is all about a radical freedom fighter named “Jesus” who wants to destroy our traditional way of life. For example, it says “blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth!!” And later on in the same part it says, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God!!” Evidently this “Jesus” is just code for Karl Marx…he hates rich people! And you should see how he feels about the banking industry!

And you won’t believe what this Bible says about gun control. It talks about God bringing peace to the earth by persuading people to turn their swords into plowshares. When obviously the way to preserve peace is to make sure all law-abiding citizens get to keep their swords! And Glocks and AKs! And even if they’re not law-abiding but at least white!

I can’t believe that among all the hundreds of books that our state legislature wants to ban from public schools, they missed this one! It’s tons worse than Catcher in the Rye!

And don’t even get me started on Part 1, which is nothing but sex and nudity!

But don’t take my word on it…try reading it yourself!

Though if it’s all true…we’re in big trouble!

A Shortlist of Shmucks: Suggestions for Donald Trump’s Next Running Mate

Editor’s note: It has recently come to our attention that Donald Trump will need to select a new running mate in his crusade to restore his crown in 2024, since his previous VP turned traitor and refused to overturn Joe Biden’s election. In our never-ending struggle to aid this great nation, we propose vice-presidential candidates for our former and future president who would help his re-election by attracting votes, and who bring proven ability to the table, along with reasons for and against the candidacy of each. As usual, you are welcome!

Vladimir Putin

Pro: Highly skilled in altering constitutions to eliminate term limits and liquidating pesky journalists and protesters

Con: Divorce court will decide who gets to keep nukes in 2028

Lauren Boebert

Pro: Appeals to the gun-carrying idiot demographic

Con: An ever-present danger to herself and anyone within approximately 12 hundred meters

Buffalo Man

Pro: High entertainment value

Con: Currently unavailable

Satan

Pro: Darling of the Christian Evangelical crowd

Con: Might try to hog the spotlight

A Rock

Pro: Won’t ask any questions or raise any objections

Con: Can’t overturn an election

Louie Gohmert

Pro: Like a rock, except would overturn election

Con: If anything happens to the POTUS, would become president

Andrew Cuomo

Pro: Swingin’ wing man on Air Force One!

Con: May possibly still retain a shred of integrity, you never know

Kim Jong-Un

Pro: Will raise level of civility in the administration

Con: Will have to be kept away from grownups’ things, like ICBMs

Me

Pro: Could use the bread

Con: Ok at weddings if there’s booze but hates funerals

15 New Streaming Hits We Hope We’ll Never See

COVID: A Nation Diseased—the new 120-part PBS documentary by Ken Burns. Episode I: Scientists are puzzled when a chicken in Wuhan develops a worrying cough

DragonFall: Winter Comes to the Valley of the Swords of the House of Wölfênhägên

Something About Queen Mary

Bodycam: America’s Unfunniest Home Videos

Pride and Prejudice But With Lots of Mutually Respectful Sex

Something Else About Queen Mary

50 Shades of Zombies

Behind the Scenes of the Making of a Documentary about Tiger King: New Episodes

Real Housewives of Oh For Chrissake Who is so Intellectually Impoverished that they Actually Watch this Stuff

WarLust Patriot III: The Gratuitous Killening

A Cooking Contest Show Where People Are Constantly Screaming at Each Other But Without The Cooking

Shakespeare in the Parka: Macbeth with Penguins

Dancing with the Creeps Season I: Prince Andrew and Bill Cosby join hands in a tribute to Michael Jackson

The Desperate Hack Murders: As a BBC scriptwriter struggles to come up with any flimsy pretext for a murder series that Americans might watch, people begin to die.*

Isolation and Instant Coffee: The Garden of Eaton Blog Story

_______________________________

*Actually, that could work!

Mental Meanderings

There is really no reason (or excuse) for this post. But you’re welcome!

I’m baffled when someone says something like, “I don’t really like Chinese food.” Chinese cuisine is as varied, in terms of ingredients, manner of cooking, and flavors as are, say, latkes and lasagne. Yet you never hear anyone say, “I’m not really into that whole Western food thing.”

Idea for a terrible daytime drama: Dr. Zhivago, M.D.

Idea for a truly frightening reality show: Sen. Dr. Oz, (R-PA), M.D.

The Texas State Legislature’s concept of sex education in the public school system: teenagers won’t have sex if you just tell them not to. And if they do it anyway, then any unwanted pregnancies or STDs are their own fault and they deserve it. I have a theory that the majority of our legislators were never actual teenagers. They were born fully-formed as pious, vindictive, insecure, middle-aged white Republicans.

Also, there apparently is no such thing as racism in this country, as long as one doesn’t mention it. (Or leave any books lying around that do.) I wouldn’t be surprised now if the Julian calendar is scrapped and 2016 becomes “Year 1.”

Think I’m joking? Texas state legislator Matt Krause, chairman of something scary called the Texas House Committee on General Investigating, recently sent a list of 850 book titles and asked each of the state’s school superintendents to “Please identify how many copies of each book in the attached Addendum your District possesses and at what campus locations including school library and classroom collections.”

Here’s the ‘Addendum’. Among the titles he wants “identified” are dangerous, controversial and lascivious entries such as “An indigenous peoples’ history of the United States for young people,” “Sexually transmitted infections,” and “They called themselves the K.K.K. : the birth of an American terrorist group.” We sure don’t want to educate our young people about sexually transmitted infections, since ignorance is the only sure prevention. And, we wouldn’t want to hurt the K.K.K.’s feelings by referring to them as terrorists. That might lower their self-esteem!

I have to admit, there are some titles on Krause’s list that mystify me, such as “Homosexuality: opposing viewpoints.”

It’s become increasingly embarrassing to be a Texan. I think I’ll just start lying and say I’m from Oklahoma. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

I don’t miss the typewriter. But I’ll give it this: you didn’t have to sit around for forty minutes waiting for it to boot up and load Word.

I’ve been thinking lately about a commercial I used to see on TV in the 1960’s. It told a little story, and to the best of my recollection it went like this: A young woman is sitting at a little table in some kind of beauty parlor, her fingers soaking in a little bowl of liquid. Across the table from her is a confident older woman. The young woman, a customer, is complaining that her dish soap leaves her china greasy. The older woman, apparently the beautician, suggests she try using Palmolive—it cuts through anything. But, the young woman anxiously asks, won’t it make my hands rough? No, the older woman patiently explains, in fact, you’re soaking your hands in it right now! The startled young woman yanks her hands out of the bowl, but the older woman firmly pushes them back in. Palmolive dish soap actually moisturizes your skin!

I remember that commercial clearly because I saw it hundreds if not thousands of times; it seemed to play several times an hour, hour after hour, year after year. It didn’t mean much to me. It was an idealized version of a strange scenario I didn’t really understand in the first place. My mom usually did the dishes. (And still does, for herself and my father.) She didn’t especially enjoy it and certainly had better things to do, but I don’t remember her ever being concerned about rough skin. Nor (as far as I recall) did she ever have the slightest desire to set foot in a beauty salon. So to me, that commercial was just some boring adult stuff I had to suffer through to get to the next cartoon. Over and over again.

But as I think about that commercial now, I see how very wrong it was—wrong even in the moral sense. The lies, verging on phony medical advice; the playing on the viewer’s insecurities about good housekeeping and physical attractiveness (both in the service, it was understood, of an offstage husband); all the assumptions about what it meant to be a good woman, wife, and mother. The perversion of the important role that older people should play in mentoring the young of their community.

That commercial is probably on YouTube somewhere, and comes across now as silly, camp late-mid-century nonsense. Which it is. But now I think it was also kind of evil.

Have things changed, really? Yes and no. Commercials still play on our insecurities, they still lie to us. They still nag at us to buy things we don’t need and won’t make us happy, to eat and drink things that will shorten our lives. But if that commercial were made today, it would probably be an ironic, tongue-in-cheek sketch with two guys wearing those front-loaded baby papooses. And that’s an improvement.

I’m Boosted

Sung to the tune of « I’m busted » with apologies to Ray Charles and Harlan Howard

Let’s go out tonight and take in some sights, cause we’re boosted

It’s been a rough year, so gloomy and drear, but we’re boosted.

The CDC says, and the FDC too

If you don’t wanna die, then thing you must do

(And you might as well get the one for the flu)

Is get boosted

We haven’t been seen since 2019 but we’re boosted!

And I got my first shot in a big parking lot, and I’m boosted.

Then I got number two, and sighed a big « Phew! »

But Delta showed up with a big howdy-do

And Omicron’s here, what’s a human to do

But get boosted!

We’re free of the bug, so kiss this old mug, cause I’m boosted.

We don’t have to stay at least six feet away, since we’re boosted.

But don’t get too smug, it’s not over yet

We’ll never run out of more variant threats

And the booster will need (I’ll lay you a bet)

To get boosted!

The Trajectory to Hell…

…is plotted with good intentions

DART is a planetary defense-driven test of technologies for preventing an impact of Earth by a hazardous asteroid. DART will be the first demonstration of the kinetic impactor technique to change the motion of an asteroid in space….DART is a spacecraft designed to impact an asteroid as a test of technology. DART’s target asteroid is NOT a threat to Earth.—NASA website

[A NASA LAB SOMEWHERE IN CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA]

SCIENTIST 1: And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

SCIENTIST 2: BAM!

S1: [expletive] YEAH!

S2: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

S1: Did that seem a little early to you?

S2: Early?

S1: Like, I was going to go, “3, 2, 1, impact!” That would have been so cool! But the thingy went boom as I was saying “1”…

S2: Who cares! It went boom, didn’t it?

S1: Sure, but just the tiniest miscalculation…

S2: I checked everything twice! Look…[riffles through some notebooks] Oh, Jesus H. Chuck Yeager….

S1: What?

S2: I forgot to carry the one…

S1: That’s what happens when you’re flipped out on Red Bull all day…

S1: So what? After 10 months, 6.8 million miles, and $324 million dollars of taxpayer’s money our doohickey smashed into a cold dead harmless rock in the outer reaches of space like it was supposed to, didn’t it? So let’s quit our whining and get to work on the moon base!

S2: Is it diverging?

S1: Is it what?

S2: Dimorphos…is it diverging off its previous trajectory?

S1: Of course it’s diverging off its previous trajectory! It has to diverge off its previous directory! Let me ask the accompanying Italian photographic satellite* if it’s diverging off its previous trajectory…[enters commands into the computer]. Ok, it says, “Mi dispiace, signori, ma la piccola pietra non cambia corso.” Oh, that’s sweet!

S2: What’s it mean?

S1: Well the answer is “no,” but it puts it very nicely…

S2: Well [expletive], there goes my annual review…I’ll be lucky to get a job designing space bidets for Elon Musk…

S1: [gazing at the monitor] Wait…it’s diverging!

S2: It’s diverging!

S1: [enters some calculations] Uh oh!

S2: Uh oh?

S1: Uh, heh heh, you know, designing space bidets for Elon Musk might not be such a bad gig…especially if you can hitch a ride to Mars…

S2: You mean…

S1: Looks like Dimorphos isn’t exactly headed away from earth, if you see what I mean…

S2: So…

S1: So I wouldn’t go investing, say, in any long term CDs!

S2: Where precisely is the impact going to be?

S1: Let’s see…northern hemisphere

S2: Oh boy

S1: North America…south eastern United States

S2: Wouldn’t ya know…

S1: Florida…

S2: And I just got the kitchen remodeled…

S1: Do you know this place called “Mar-A-Lago”?

S2: [brightening] 324 mil…well spent!

*LICIACube

Thanksgiving 2021: 10 Things We’re Grateful For

10 People and Things We’re Grateful For

in loosely descending order

1. The late Capitol police officer Brian Sicknick, who died on January 6 of this year after giving his life to keep this democracy of ours afloat.

2. The American people, for putting Joe Biden in the White House. I know it’s only until the Trumptatorship returns for good in 2024, but Christ, I needed the break.

3. The 12 good citizens of Glynn County, Georgia, for their courage and common sense in sending Ahmaud Arbery’s killers to jail, we hope for a long, long time. And we’re grateful to Arbery’s family too, for putting in the hard fight to even get the case to be taken seriously by our justice system.

4. Donald John Trump and anyone else who had a hand in creating Operation Warp Speed. We might not be here writing this silly blog if it hadn’t been for that monumental effort to create vaccines in record time.

5. Nancy Pelosi. That lady knows how to get things done.

6. Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Amazon Prime, and anyone else who had a hand in getting Fleabag on my TV screen. That is one funny, disturbing, and disturbingly funny show.

7. Italy, for hanging in there. We’ll meet again, I promise.

8. The Republic of China (also known as Taiwan), for dealing with COVID and a certain psychopathic sibling, all while maintaining a robust, argumentative democracy.  We’ll meet again, I promise.

9. John Banville, for giving me some decent things to read over the past couple of years.

10. You, dear reader, for caring enough to read these trifles. Keep it up!

Why Can’t We Have Easy Answers to Tough Questions?

In this Era of Clickbait, serious journalists and columnists are desperately trying to hang on to distracted, impatient readers through the ruse of titling their long, boring articles and essays with an intriguing question. The problem with this approach is that the reader is fooled into reading a long, boring article or essay in order to get to the answer, which often turns out to be the equivalent of “it’s complicated” or “it depends” or “there is no easy answer.” So as a service to our readers, we list actual recent question-headlines and give you quick, uncomplicated answers to slow, complicated questions. As always, you’re welcome!

Question: Who’s to Blame for Rising Prices?

Answer: Not me, I swear to God!

Question: What’s the Future of Outdoor Dining in New York?

Answer: Cold, very cold.

Question: Is There Such a Thing as Traveler’s Constipation?

Answer: Oh yes!

Question: Why is China Building Up Its Nuclear Arsenal?

Answer: Cause they wanna be like us!

Question: Can the U.S. and China work together?

Answer: Sure, as long as they admit they started it.

Question: Can Reaganism Rise Again?

Answer: Not while Donald Trump’s mouth is alive and well!

Question: Why Don’t We Have a Covid Vaccine for Pets?

Answer: Why don’t we have a vaccine for, like, people in Africa?

Question: Cam Newton returns to Carolina Panthers. Is this a dream reunion come true?

Answer: Honestly, I don’t care!

Question: How Will You Look When You Emerge From the Pandemic?

Answer: Very dead or very happy.

Question: Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

Answer: No, I am always thus

Question: Why Aren’t More People Comparison Shopping for Health Plans?

Answer: Who are you, my aunt Louise?

Horror Films We Would(n’t) Like To See

10 scenarios that make us want to sink to our knees and scream, “Noooooo!”

THE WAITER VANISHES

THE UPSTAIRS APARTMENT JUST GOT A HOME THEATER WITH MEGABASS

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH AND WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT

THE CAR ALARM THAT JUST KEEPS GOING

NO INTERNET

CONSTRUCTION ON I-35

WAITING FOR AN OIL CHANGE 2: COFFEE-MATE AND FOX NEWS

I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT ON YOUR COMPUTER LAST NIGHT AROUND 10:30

2024: THE ELECTION CYCLE BEGINS

IT’S PLEDGE WEEK ON PBS AND WE NEED YOUR HELP

THIS PASTA IS WAY OVERCOOKED

More Unsolicited Observations

One thing I’ve noticed since COVID began: when you’re on the phone to customer support, it’s hard to get irritated and resentful when you hear a baby crying in the background.

It is astonishing, the mental contortions people will go through in order to believe what they want to believe.

I talk to myself all the time. But I don’t listen.

When people say: Austin has a homeless problem, what they mean is they don’t like having to see actual homeless people.

In Kansas, everything comes with fries. Even fries come with a side of fries.

The strangest, scariest thing about Donald Trump is that he fulfills some deep emotional need of so many of our fellow citizens.

If Donald Trump was qualified morally and intellectually to be President of the United States of America, then my first-grade teacher should have been, like, Goddess of the Universe And All Parallel Universes.

You can get beer now that tastes like pumpkins, or chocolate, or coffee, or grapefruit, or jalapeños. You know what my favorite beer flavor is? Beer.

The proximity and cleanliness of the next highway rest stop are in inverse proportion to your need to go.

I am not a fan of these new flashing yellow arrows where a fully protected left turn used to be. It’s as if the city is telling you, “Good luck and may God help you come out of this left turn in one piece.” Meanwhile the [expletive] behind you is leaning on his horn.