15 New Streaming Hits We Hope We’ll Never See

COVID: A Nation Diseased—the new 120-part PBS documentary by Ken Burns. Episode I: Scientists are puzzled when a chicken in Wuhan develops a worrying cough

DragonFall: Winter Comes to the Valley of the Swords of the House of Wölfênhägên

Something About Queen Mary

Bodycam: America’s Unfunniest Home Videos

Pride and Prejudice But With Lots of Mutually Respectful Sex

Something Else About Queen Mary

50 Shades of Zombies

Behind the Scenes of the Making of a Documentary about Tiger King: New Episodes

Real Housewives of Oh For Chrissake Who is so Intellectually Impoverished that they Actually Watch this Stuff

WarLust Patriot III: The Gratuitous Killening

A Cooking Contest Show Where People Are Constantly Screaming at Each Other But Without The Cooking

Shakespeare in the Parka: Macbeth with Penguins

Dancing with the Creeps Season I: Prince Andrew and Bill Cosby join hands in a tribute to Michael Jackson

The Desperate Hack Murders: As a BBC scriptwriter struggles to come up with any flimsy pretext for a murder series that Americans might watch, people begin to die.*

Isolation and Instant Coffee: The Garden of Eaton Blog Story

_______________________________

*Actually, that could work!

Mental Meanderings

There is really no reason (or excuse) for this post. But you’re welcome!

I’m baffled when someone says something like, “I don’t really like Chinese food.” Chinese cuisine is as varied, in terms of ingredients, manner of cooking, and flavors as are, say, latkes and lasagne. Yet you never hear anyone say, “I’m not really into that whole Western food thing.”

Idea for a terrible daytime drama: Dr. Zhivago, M.D.

Idea for a truly frightening reality show: Sen. Dr. Oz, (R-PA), M.D.

The Texas State Legislature’s concept of sex education in the public school system: teenagers won’t have sex if you just tell them not to. And if they do it anyway, then any unwanted pregnancies or STDs are their own fault and they deserve it. I have a theory that the majority of our legislators were never actual teenagers. They were born fully-formed as pious, vindictive, insecure, middle-aged white Republicans.

Also, there apparently is no such thing as racism in this country, as long as one doesn’t mention it. (Or leave any books lying around that do.) I wouldn’t be surprised now if the Julian calendar is scrapped and 2016 becomes “Year 1.”

Think I’m joking? Texas state legislator Matt Krause, chairman of something scary called the Texas House Committee on General Investigating, recently sent a list of 850 book titles and asked each of the state’s school superintendents to “Please identify how many copies of each book in the attached Addendum your District possesses and at what campus locations including school library and classroom collections.”

Here’s the ‘Addendum’. Among the titles he wants “identified” are dangerous, controversial and lascivious entries such as “An indigenous peoples’ history of the United States for young people,” “Sexually transmitted infections,” and “They called themselves the K.K.K. : the birth of an American terrorist group.” We sure don’t want to educate our young people about sexually transmitted infections, since ignorance is the only sure prevention. And, we wouldn’t want to hurt the K.K.K.’s feelings by referring to them as terrorists. That might lower their self-esteem!

I have to admit, there are some titles on Krause’s list that mystify me, such as “Homosexuality: opposing viewpoints.”

It’s become increasingly embarrassing to be a Texan. I think I’ll just start lying and say I’m from Oklahoma. That’s how bad it’s gotten.

I don’t miss the typewriter. But I’ll give it this: you didn’t have to sit around for forty minutes waiting for it to boot up and load Word.

I’ve been thinking lately about a commercial I used to see on TV in the 1960’s. It told a little story, and to the best of my recollection it went like this: A young woman is sitting at a little table in some kind of beauty parlor, her fingers soaking in a little bowl of liquid. Across the table from her is a confident older woman. The young woman, a customer, is complaining that her dish soap leaves her china greasy. The older woman, apparently the beautician, suggests she try using Palmolive—it cuts through anything. But, the young woman anxiously asks, won’t it make my hands rough? No, the older woman patiently explains, in fact, you’re soaking your hands in it right now! The startled young woman yanks her hands out of the bowl, but the older woman firmly pushes them back in. Palmolive dish soap actually moisturizes your skin!

I remember that commercial clearly because I saw it hundreds if not thousands of times; it seemed to play several times an hour, hour after hour, year after year. It didn’t mean much to me. It was an idealized version of a strange scenario I didn’t really understand in the first place. My mom usually did the dishes. (And still does, for herself and my father.) She didn’t especially enjoy it and certainly had better things to do, but I don’t remember her ever being concerned about rough skin. Nor (as far as I recall) did she ever have the slightest desire to set foot in a beauty salon. So to me, that commercial was just some boring adult stuff I had to suffer through to get to the next cartoon. Over and over again.

But as I think about that commercial now, I see how very wrong it was—wrong even in the moral sense. The lies, verging on phony medical advice; the playing on the viewer’s insecurities about good housekeeping and physical attractiveness (both in the service, it was understood, of an offstage husband); all the assumptions about what it meant to be a good woman, wife, and mother. The perversion of the important role that older people should play in mentoring the young of their community.

That commercial is probably on YouTube somewhere, and comes across now as silly, camp late-mid-century nonsense. Which it is. But now I think it was also kind of evil.

Have things changed, really? Yes and no. Commercials still play on our insecurities, they still lie to us. They still nag at us to buy things we don’t need and won’t make us happy, to eat and drink things that will shorten our lives. But if that commercial were made today, it would probably be an ironic, tongue-in-cheek sketch with two guys wearing those front-loaded baby papooses. And that’s an improvement.

I’m Boosted

Sung to the tune of « I’m busted » with apologies to Ray Charles and Harlan Howard

Let’s go out tonight and take in some sights, cause we’re boosted

It’s been a rough year, so gloomy and drear, but we’re boosted.

The CDC says, and the FDC too

If you don’t wanna die, then thing you must do

(And you might as well get the one for the flu)

Is get boosted

We haven’t been seen since 2019 but we’re boosted!

And I got my first shot in a big parking lot, and I’m boosted.

Then I got number two, and sighed a big « Phew! »

But Delta showed up with a big howdy-do

And Omicron’s here, what’s a human to do

But get boosted!

We’re free of the bug, so kiss this old mug, cause I’m boosted.

We don’t have to stay at least six feet away, since we’re boosted.

But don’t get too smug, it’s not over yet

We’ll never run out of more variant threats

And the booster will need (I’ll lay you a bet)

To get boosted!

The Trajectory to Hell…

…is plotted with good intentions

DART is a planetary defense-driven test of technologies for preventing an impact of Earth by a hazardous asteroid. DART will be the first demonstration of the kinetic impactor technique to change the motion of an asteroid in space….DART is a spacecraft designed to impact an asteroid as a test of technology. DART’s target asteroid is NOT a threat to Earth.—NASA website

[A NASA LAB SOMEWHERE IN CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA]

SCIENTIST 1: And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

SCIENTIST 2: BAM!

S1: [expletive] YEAH!

S2: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

S1: Did that seem a little early to you?

S2: Early?

S1: Like, I was going to go, “3, 2, 1, impact!” That would have been so cool! But the thingy went boom as I was saying “1”…

S2: Who cares! It went boom, didn’t it?

S1: Sure, but just the tiniest miscalculation…

S2: I checked everything twice! Look…[riffles through some notebooks] Oh, Jesus H. Chuck Yeager….

S1: What?

S2: I forgot to carry the one…

S1: That’s what happens when you’re flipped out on Red Bull all day…

S1: So what? After 10 months, 6.8 million miles, and $324 million dollars of taxpayer’s money our doohickey smashed into a cold dead harmless rock in the outer reaches of space like it was supposed to, didn’t it? So let’s quit our whining and get to work on the moon base!

S2: Is it diverging?

S1: Is it what?

S2: Dimorphos…is it diverging off its previous trajectory?

S1: Of course it’s diverging off its previous trajectory! It has to diverge off its previous directory! Let me ask the accompanying Italian photographic satellite* if it’s diverging off its previous trajectory…[enters commands into the computer]. Ok, it says, “Mi dispiace, signori, ma la piccola pietra non cambia corso.” Oh, that’s sweet!

S2: What’s it mean?

S1: Well the answer is “no,” but it puts it very nicely…

S2: Well [expletive], there goes my annual review…I’ll be lucky to get a job designing space bidets for Elon Musk…

S1: [gazing at the monitor] Wait…it’s diverging!

S2: It’s diverging!

S1: [enters some calculations] Uh oh!

S2: Uh oh?

S1: Uh, heh heh, you know, designing space bidets for Elon Musk might not be such a bad gig…especially if you can hitch a ride to Mars…

S2: You mean…

S1: Looks like Dimorphos isn’t exactly headed away from earth, if you see what I mean…

S2: So…

S1: So I wouldn’t go investing, say, in any long term CDs!

S2: Where precisely is the impact going to be?

S1: Let’s see…northern hemisphere

S2: Oh boy

S1: North America…south eastern United States

S2: Wouldn’t ya know…

S1: Florida…

S2: And I just got the kitchen remodeled…

S1: Do you know this place called “Mar-A-Lago”?

S2: [brightening] 324 mil…well spent!

*LICIACube

Thanksgiving 2021: 10 Things We’re Grateful For

10 People and Things We’re Grateful For

in loosely descending order

1. The late Capitol police officer Brian Sicknick, who died on January 6 of this year after giving his life to keep this democracy of ours afloat.

2. The American people, for putting Joe Biden in the White House. I know it’s only until the Trumptatorship returns for good in 2024, but Christ, I needed the break.

3. The 12 good citizens of Glynn County, Georgia, for their courage and common sense in sending Ahmaud Arbery’s killers to jail, we hope for a long, long time. And we’re grateful to Arbery’s family too, for putting in the hard fight to even get the case to be taken seriously by our justice system.

4. Donald John Trump and anyone else who had a hand in creating Operation Warp Speed. We might not be here writing this silly blog if it hadn’t been for that monumental effort to create vaccines in record time.

5. Nancy Pelosi. That lady knows how to get things done.

6. Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Amazon Prime, and anyone else who had a hand in getting Fleabag on my TV screen. That is one funny, disturbing, and disturbingly funny show.

7. Italy, for hanging in there. We’ll meet again, I promise.

8. The Republic of China (also known as Taiwan), for dealing with COVID and a certain psychopathic sibling, all while maintaining a robust, argumentative democracy.  We’ll meet again, I promise.

9. John Banville, for giving me some decent things to read over the past couple of years.

10. You, dear reader, for caring enough to read these trifles. Keep it up!

Why Can’t We Have Easy Answers to Tough Questions?

In this Era of Clickbait, serious journalists and columnists are desperately trying to hang on to distracted, impatient readers through the ruse of titling their long, boring articles and essays with an intriguing question. The problem with this approach is that the reader is fooled into reading a long, boring article or essay in order to get to the answer, which often turns out to be the equivalent of “it’s complicated” or “it depends” or “there is no easy answer.” So as a service to our readers, we list actual recent question-headlines and give you quick, uncomplicated answers to slow, complicated questions. As always, you’re welcome!

Question: Who’s to Blame for Rising Prices?

Answer: Not me, I swear to God!

Question: What’s the Future of Outdoor Dining in New York?

Answer: Cold, very cold.

Question: Is There Such a Thing as Traveler’s Constipation?

Answer: Oh yes!

Question: Why is China Building Up Its Nuclear Arsenal?

Answer: Cause they wanna be like us!

Question: Can the U.S. and China work together?

Answer: Sure, as long as they admit they started it.

Question: Can Reaganism Rise Again?

Answer: Not while Donald Trump’s mouth is alive and well!

Question: Why Don’t We Have a Covid Vaccine for Pets?

Answer: Why don’t we have a vaccine for, like, people in Africa?

Question: Cam Newton returns to Carolina Panthers. Is this a dream reunion come true?

Answer: Honestly, I don’t care!

Question: How Will You Look When You Emerge From the Pandemic?

Answer: Very dead or very happy.

Question: Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

Answer: No, I am always thus

Question: Why Aren’t More People Comparison Shopping for Health Plans?

Answer: Who are you, my aunt Louise?

Horror Films We Would(n’t) Like To See

10 scenarios that make us want to sink to our knees and scream, “Noooooo!”

THE WAITER VANISHES

THE UPSTAIRS APARTMENT JUST GOT A HOME THEATER WITH MEGABASS

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH AND WOULDN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT

THE CAR ALARM THAT JUST KEEPS GOING

NO INTERNET

CONSTRUCTION ON I-35

WAITING FOR AN OIL CHANGE 2: COFFEE-MATE AND FOX NEWS

I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT ON YOUR COMPUTER LAST NIGHT AROUND 10:30

2024: THE ELECTION CYCLE BEGINS

IT’S PLEDGE WEEK ON PBS AND WE NEED YOUR HELP

THIS PASTA IS WAY OVERCOOKED

More Unsolicited Observations

One thing I’ve noticed since COVID began: when you’re on the phone to customer support, it’s hard to get irritated and resentful when you hear a baby crying in the background.

It is astonishing, the mental contortions people will go through in order to believe what they want to believe.

I talk to myself all the time. But I don’t listen.

When people say: Austin has a homeless problem, what they mean is they don’t like having to see actual homeless people.

In Kansas, everything comes with fries. Even fries come with a side of fries.

The strangest, scariest thing about Donald Trump is that he fulfills some deep emotional need of so many of our fellow citizens.

If Donald Trump was qualified morally and intellectually to be President of the United States of America, then my first-grade teacher should have been, like, Goddess of the Universe And All Parallel Universes.

You can get beer now that tastes like pumpkins, or chocolate, or coffee, or grapefruit, or jalapeños. You know what my favorite beer flavor is? Beer.

The proximity and cleanliness of the next highway rest stop are in inverse proportion to your need to go.

I am not a fan of these new flashing yellow arrows where a fully protected left turn used to be. It’s as if the city is telling you, “Good luck and may God help you come out of this left turn in one piece.” Meanwhile the [expletive] behind you is leaning on his horn.

Diverse and Contending Sources

(1)  a teacher may not be compelled to discuss a particular current event or widely debated and currently controversial issue of public policy or social affairs;

(2)  a teacher who chooses to discuss a topic described by Subdivision (1) shall, to the best of the teacher’s ability, strive to explore the topic from diverse and contending perspectives without giving deference to any one perspectivefrom the text of Texas House bill HB3979

A Texas school superintendent apologized to his district on Thursday after one of his top officials advised teachers that, if they have a book about the Holocaust in their classroom, they should give students access to a book from an “opposing” perspective.—“Texas Superintendent Apologizes After Official’s Holocaust Remarks,” The New York Times, 10/15/21

Editor’s note: for the convenience of anxious Texas public school teachers who don’t know just what they can teach any more, we present here some lesson plans that include “diverse and contending perspectives” along with their sources. You’re welcome!

Lesson: “Smoking greatly increases one’s risk of lung cancer.”

Alternative: “My granddaddy smoked for seventy years and he never catched cancer!” Source: this guy I met in a bar.

Lesson: “According to Socrates, the unexamined life is not worth living.”

Alternative: “In my experience the unexamined life is totally awesome!” Source: Darrell next door

Lesson: “George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, two of our most revered founding fathers, owned slaves.”

Alternative: “No they didn’t!!” Source: Gail, 8.

Lesson: “The battle for the Alamo took place in the context of an illegal land grab by immigrants from the southern United States who didn’t want Mexico to interfere with their expanding slave operations.”

Alternative: “You can’t talk about John Wayne like that!” Source: a tweet or something.

Lesson: “More than a hundred and fifty years after the end of slavery, Black Americans are still poorer than their white fellow citizens, have shorter lifespans, and are much more likely to serve prison time and to suffer from police brutality.”

Alternative: ”What are you, a communist or something?” Source: someone on Facebook I think

Lesson: “Joseph Biden won the 2020 election by a large margin both in terms of the popular vote and the electoral college. Multiple investigations conducted at the Federal and state levels have found no evidence of voter fraud.”

Alternative: “Stolen!” Source: this thing I saw on Breitbart

Lesson: “The Holocaust’ refers to events in Nazi Germany and the countries it occupied in which some 6 million Jews were deliberately murdered, along with many thousands of dissidents, gypsies, homosexuals, the handicapped, Poles, Soviet prisoners of war, and others, as evidenced by millions of recorded victims’ statements, photographs, the physical remains of death camps, and official documents.”

Alternative:*


* When we can think of something funny to say about Holocaust deniers we’ll let you know. (The editors)

On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”

(Note: this blog was originally posted in October 2021 and revised in July. I have made occasional revisions as I’ve learned more about Disney and his production of the film.)

A couple of years ago I was reading some short stories by the Italian author Luigi Pirandello (1867-1936). Pirandello is known outside of Italy primarily for his ground-breaking plays Six Characters in Search of an Author and Henry IV, but he was also the author of important novels and a large (250+) number of short stories, many of which have never been translated into English. I have read quite a few of these stories, and even published translations of a handful.

One of Pirandello’s stories I came across is entitled “Pallino e Mimì” (“Pallino and Mimì”). The title refers to its two canine protagonists. Pallino is an ugly, tough street dog, having been abused and abandoned as a pup by his human family. He’s top dog in his little Italian resort town, taking no guff from anyone or any dog, until one summer he runs into Mimì. Mimì is a pampered fluffball of a lapdog, owned by a well-to-do American woman in town to take the waters. Pallino is utterly smitten by Mimì.

As the relationship between Pallino and Mimì grows, a parallel one develops between Mimì’s owner and an Italian dandy visiting the spa from Rome.

Now as I read this story a suspicion grew in my mind that a certain animated film produced by Walt Disney was based on this story. Did Disney appropriate “Pallino e Mimì” in making Lady and the Tramp?

A recent viewing of the DVD version of the film reinforced my suspicions. The relationship between Lady, a pampered house pet from a well-to-do family who needs protection from the street dogs of the city, and the rough-and-tumble Tramp, who fends off the competition while romancing Lady, perfectly mirrors the one between Pallino and Mimì.

There are other aspects of the film that suggest a tie to “Pallino”: It’s set in the vaguely Edwardian coach-and-horses era of Pirandello’s story rather than the mid-50’s “present” of Lady’s release.

And there’s an odd plot detail. Early in the Pirandello story, a young, hungry Pallino, having run away from his abusive home, is wandering the streets. He is taken in by a kindly (if rather depressive) butcher. When we’re introduced to Tramp, he’s pondering where to find “breakfast.” He considers but passes over a standard greasy-spoon diner and a fancy French pastry shop before settling on…an Italian restaurant, whose cook (a stereotypically jovial and romantic Italian) throws him a bone.

Of course, there are major differences between the two works. The wealthy American woman and her calculating Italian gigolo lover from the story are replaced by a happy young married couple in the film. Dramatic tension is added with the introduction of their newborn baby, whose presence initially appears to threaten Lady’s position in her owners’ house.

But such a change would not be surprising. Lady was intended for children, and Disney had a track record of watering down or sentimentalizing brutal or discomfiting aspects of adapted material, as he did with Mary Poppins and Pinocchio.

So much for the resemblance. Is there any direct evidence that Disney co-opted Pirandello’s story?

First, I looked at the dates. There is no question that “Pallino e Mimì” came first: it was originally published in a magazine in 1905. Lady and the Tramp was released in 1955.

What about credits? According to the film’s opening titles, the script for Lady is “from the story by Ward Greene.” “The story” is not in fact “Lady and the Tramp,” which didn’t exist. Wikipedia and other online sources identify it as Greene’s 1945 Cosmopolitan magazine story “Happy Dan, The Cynical Dog,” though Wikipedia also claims that the idea for a dog picture based on a spaniel named Lady had been kicking around in Walt Disney’s brain since 1937.

But the notion that Lady is “based on” “Happy Dan the Cynical Dog” is just doggone wrong, or rather contains only the flimsiest shred of truth.  I know, because I took the trouble to find that story in the February 1945 issue of Cosmopolitan—with a lot of help from a reference librarian at the University of Texas here in Austin. That story takes up only about half a magazine page (the rest is an illustration and a big ad for Simoniz floor polish). It’s a brief humorous sketch about a sly street dog who fools several humans into believing they’re his only “master,” in order to get extra meals in those wartime days of meat rationing. Nothing about a romance with a pampered pet, or about a human romance, etc.

Now to be fair, the Wikipedia article states that Walt Disney himself conceived of the “Lady” half of the story back in ’37, and that the Greene story inspired him to come up with the canine romance angle by introducing a street-dog foil to the ladylike Lady. In other words, it was Disney who had the original idea of connecting two disparate doggy tales with a romance, which became the backbone of the Lady plot. *

Well…maybe. I wanted to take a peek into any surviving archival material from the Lady production that might confirm this version of events. But I had no luck in finding anyone with Disney who would help me.

And, having no direct evidence to support my hypothesis, I am also left with one gaping hole of plausibility. How would Disney—or perhaps Greene—have come across Pirandello’s story?

The Disney historian Didier Ghez has stated in an interview that Disney, his brother Roy, and their wives made an extended tour of Europe in 1935, during which he “bought hundreds of books, whose stories and illustrations would influence him and his artists for years to come.” If you follow the link to that interview, you will see a photo of Disney standing shoulder to shoulder with…Luigi Pirandello. (The photo was evidently taken in New York, shortly after Disney’s return from his European trip. Pirandello died the following year, 19 years before the release of Lady and the Tramp.)

It is unlikely that Disney or Greene read Italian. But Disney did have Italians on his staff. For example, one of the director/animators on Lady was an Italian-American, Clyde Geronimi, who was born in Italy in 1901 but emigrated as a young child to the U.S.

In any case, barring evidence to the contrary, I will continue to believe that Disney might somehow have stolen the idea for Lady from Pirandello. The parallels between the two stories are too great.

By the way, “Pallino e Mimì” is a wonderful story, darkly funny, and, not surprisingly, much tougher than the Lady story (and free of the arrant racism of the Disney picture). I don’t want to give it away; let’s just say that it doesn’t end with the happy marriage of an adorable young couple, an equally adorable newborn baby girl, two adorable dogs with a comfortable middle-class home, and a litter of frolicking, well-cared-for pups. Nope, sorry. You don’t win a Nobel Prize writing stories like that.

I wish you could read the story for yourself and make up your own mind about a possible Disney-Pirandello connection. And before too long, you will. I plan to publish my translation of Pirandello’s story on the Pirandello Society of America’s website or, if not, elsewhere on the Internet.

Update: you can now read Pirandello’s story in English here: https://www.pirandellointranslation.org/pellet-and-mimi

My thanks to Dr. Vanessa Fanelli for collaborating with me on this translation.

*As evidence, the Wikipedia article references the book Disney’s Art of Animation: From Mickey Mouse to Hercules by Bob Thomas, which I have not read.

Mansplaining, Mansplained

See, the deal is that everybody likes to talk trash about mansplaining but they really don’t understand what it is or what it’s for.

I know you know, like, the basic difference between analog and digital, obviously. I’m not explaining it for you, I’m explaining it for me. No, wait, just let me finish, babe.

Let me try to explain it like this. What if you’re like some guy who didn’t get the promotion because Dave is so much better at playing office politics. Or maybe you even like lost your job because they said you spent too much time day-trading on your computer which was supposed to be for work only. Which is unfair because like I explained to Kirsten I did that on my lunch hour mostly. And it’s not like I made a pile of money, if anything it was just the opposite.

But it’s OK babe, we still got your whole like savings account. What was I saying?

So yeah, you’ve like lost your job and living in a crappy apartment and your car’s rear quarter panel is all like bashed in from that time I wasn’t paying close enough attention I guess. What am I supposed to do with all that? I need something to make me feel all empowered and stuff. So that’s what mansplaining is for. Mansplaining is for loser men like what the Confederate flag is for loser white people. It’s all we have left. The Confederate flag lets white people feel superior to Blacks, and mansplaining lets men feel superior to…well, you get the gist, babe.

So when I’m explaining to you the difference between velocity and acceleration I would really appreciate it if you would stop like rolling your eyes and saying shit like, “I know that already,” or, “I don’t need you to explain that to me,” or, “you’re actually wrong about that.”  Ouch! My self-esteem just went down like sixty percent! I know you know already, babe, cause you’re a really smart girl! But I just need to feel useful, OK hon?

So when I tell you how a reverse-mortgage works could you just help me out a little and go like, “Wow, that is so interesting! I get it, now that someone who knows took the time to explain it in terms I can understand!” See, it’s easy!

So, your favorite sci-fi movie is Twelve Monkeys? Me too! I can explain the ending…

On Ang Lee and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Many of the most exciting and interesting movies are those made by a director who takes a stale, tired old genre and invests it with new life. To take perhaps the most obvious example: by the mid-sixties no one wanted to see westerns any more. The lantern-jawed lawman, the shifty-eyed villain, the virtuous-maiden schoolteacher…these tropes were hopelessly dull and just downright ridiculous in the age of war protests, civil-rights marches, the sexual revolution, and the jet set.

And then Sergio Leone—an Italian director filming in Spain—remade the Western into something new and exciting with A Fistful of Dollars (1964). He injected a sensibility of playfulness together with ruthless cynicism and technical realism into the story. The hero is no longer a prudish sheriff prone to unconvincing speeches about the virtue of law and order, but a grimy (if shaggily handsome), nameless soldier of fortune (Clint Eastwood) not burdened by the usual haunted past and with no particular hangups about piling up the bodies. The bad guy is no longer a semi-comical loser but a scary, sadistic psychopath (played to perfection by the Italian actor Gian Maria Volonté) who seems to get a sexual charge out of killing. And there’s a vigorous, violent sense of humor: the hero rides into town not on a stallion, but on an ass. (As I write this, I wonder if this was an intentional Biblical allusion. There is a moral core to the story, though it’s barely visible in comparison to the standard Hollywood Western. The hero-with-no-name does turn out to be the savior of an innocent young couple and their baby.) When the local thugs make fun of the donkey and its rider, witty repartee follows. And the thugs all wind up dead.

I could go on…about the technical realism, say, of the rugged scenery and worn-out looking desert village, or the brilliant galloping-guitar soundtrack written by Ennio Morricone. But this elegy for a Spaghetti Western is getting away from me…I simply wanted to appreciate Sergio Leone for his remarkable accomplishment of seeing the exciting elements of the American Western mythology, and using his auteur’s sensibility and craft to wipe away the dust and make it new.

Other directors and the stale genres they rescued? How about Francis Ford Coppola and gangster films, with The Godfather? Stephen Spielberg and the action-adventure movie, with Jaws and above all Raiders of the Lost Ark? Not to mention bringing the war picture into the modern age with Saving Private Ryan? Or Stanley Kubrick, who pulled sci-fi out of the tin-foil and death-ray era with 2001: A Space Odyssey?

These thoughts came to mind recently as I re-watched for the umpteenth time another favorite of mine, Ang Lee’s Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000). This wonderful film brought to mind vague memories I had of watching bits and pieces of old kung-fu movies on TV in the seventies. For a time there was a Sunday-afternoon-movie show on some grainy, poorly-received UHF channel emanating from somewhere in Dallas, called, with blatant pre-woke condescension, “Chop-Socky Theater.” The films it presented seemed to be mainly pretexts for endless, mechanically choreographed fight scenes comprising long sequences of karate chops accompanied by crude dubbed-in sound effects. I assumed at the time that these things were watched mainly by bodybuilding and martial-arts freaks.

And then in 2000 Crouching Tiger came along—a different animal altogether. Rewatching the movie recently, it seemed obvious to me that Lee had refashioned the kung-fu genre. But unlike Westerns, sci-fi and the like, it was a genre I knew nothing about. So I asked my wife about the movies that might have informed Lee.

I asked the right person. My wife grew up in Taiwan, and grew up watching kung fu epics—or wuxia (roughly, “martial arts heroes”), as they’re called in Mandarin. She had also read some of the popular novels from which many of them were adapted. So began a year-plus long voyage on the good ship Living Room Sofa, as we looked up and watched many of these movies, available on Amazon Prime.

The movies we watched were produced in Hong Kong in the late sixties through the early 1980’s by the Shaw brothers. The director whose work we enjoyed most is Chor Yuen, whom we nicknamed “The smoke director” for his habitual use of fog machines to add an air of mystery to the set. 

These films are characterized by long, carefully choreographed, highly acrobatic fight scenes, involving all sorts of weapons—swords, knives, darts, spears, halberds, rings, fans, just to name a few. Often one or more combatants will fight only with their hands. Every significant fight scene has some gimmick or innovation that makes it unique, such as a hero who doesn’t bother to get out of his chair to fight off his attackers, or a flexible sword that wraps itself around opponents and stabs them in the back, or a warrior who has learned how to create a gust of wind by waving his hands, strong enough to strip leaves off nearby trees that cut the faces of his opponents. Fights are one-on-one, one against many, group against group, man to man, woman to woman, or mixed doubles.

The basic conflict that typically drives the story is strikingly amoral—having to do with determining who is the most highly skilled fighter and thus the officially recognized master of the kung-fu world (though what that means in practical terms is never shown). Although themes of betrayal and dishonesty versus honesty and courage are involved, in the end the moral code simply seems to be: the best fighter deserves to be on top.

The cinematography is wide-screen and brightly colored (in Shaw Vision, so the credits claim). Chor Yuen in particular likes scenes set at night, with a suspiciously stationary crescent moon hanging in the background, in a fairy-tale-like forest glade or picturesque villa. And fog.

The plots are convoluted and confusing—at least for the Western viewer (and it doesn’t help that the subtitles are typically horrendous). Acting is nearly absent; the movie essentially consists of fight scenes alternating with stretches of expository dialogue in which the actors stand around and bring us up to date on why clan X has a problem with clan Y.

There’s a lot to like in these movies, especially if, like me, you’ve felt burned out by the last thirty odd years of action pictures that get by largely on thundering soundtracks, explosions and digital effects. I enjoy the artistry of the production, which feels both craftsman-like yet homemade, with fancifully constructed scenery and, for establishing shots, papier-mâché mountain-top fortresses. I like the tacit agreement between the filmmaker and his audience to accept absurd conventions and plot twists and just enjoy the ride. The stories have a whimsical, dreamlike progression. In Chor’s Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre (1978) the young hero has been struck by a special kung-fu blow that will kill him over the course of several years. No problem! He wanders into a shack before he can be warned that it’s teetering on the edge of a cliff, his weight causing it to fall halfway down the mountain side, where it comes to rest on a ledge beside a cave that leads to a glade containing a pond with glowing-red frogs which, if eaten…oh, just watch it.

But for all their appeal, I have to admit that these movies are also fundamentally childish in their sensibility, repetitive, and ultimately uninspiring. They are fun to watch, but one doesn’t leave the theater (or couch) feeling really moved by any character’s fate, any more than one would by watching, say, Steve Reeves as Hercules.

In watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, it’s clear that Ang Lee used these films as his starting point and kept many of their essential elements. Magical weapons that confer dangerous, deadly powers on their users, which must therefore be kept carefully guarded; carefully constructed fight scenes; kung-fu warriors fighting to prove who is the best. But it’s interesting to see what Lee retained, what he discarded, and what he changed.

Lee brought a technical realism to the film but kept some of the wuxia conventions that are implausible, to say the least: any fighter worth their salt can easily leap onto or over building roofs and jump down without getting hurt, or run up walls and run across the surfaces of ponds and rivers. Anyone can be frozen in place by touching them in the right spot, until they are unfrozen the same way. A young girl can pass for a man simply by putting on some article of men’s clothing.

But Lee makes many changes, all for the better. The plot (still complicated enough) is streamlined, while at the same time the human melodrama is given far more importance with respect to fighting sequences. It’s wuxia for grownups. Those fighting scenes are improved—every bit as imaginative and acrobatic as in Chor’s films, but more naturalistic. And Lee employs four highly skilled actors in the lead roles. One romantic story involves the aging, world-weary kung fu warriors Li Mu Bai and Yu Shu Lien, played by Chow Yun-fat and Michelle Yeoh, respectively. The dialogue is spare, the acting expressive. Their relationship is contrasted with the one between the dashing young bandit Dark Cloud (Chang Chen) and the daughter of privilege Jen Yu (Zhang Ziyi), an aspiring fighter who is being forced by her parents into an arranged marriage. Danger is introduced in the form of the elderly witch Jade Fox (Cheng Pei-pei). The abusive treatment of Jade Fox as a young would-be kung fu warrior, at the hands of powerful males in the kung fu hierarchy (sound familiar?), has warped her over the years into a dangerous assassin bent on revenge. When we get to the end of the story, we (or at any rate, I) actually care about what has happened to its characters—something that never happened with the old Shaw brothers’ productions.

An aside: the casting of Cheng Pei-pei in this role is a human tie between Crouching Tiger and the wuxia classics; Cheng herself once played the lead in arguably feminist action pictures such as The Lady Hermit (1971).

Thankfully, the film’s spoken language is still Mandarin, but in contrast to the old Hong Kong movies, the subtitles are excellent.

Lee is one of those directors who seems able to make films of almost any genre and to do them well: American family melodrama (The Ice Storm), rom-com (Eat Drink Man Woman), costume drama (Sense and Sensibility, no less), as well as pictures that defy that kind of categorization (Brokeback Mountain, Life of Pi). (I say almost. We shall not discuss here The Hulk or Ride with the Devil. Nor have I seen Gemini Man…maybe the critics are wrong!) Few artists can tell an old story in a new way. A very few can create a new one. Lee is someone who is able to do both.