Are You Getting Old?

10 unmistakable signs of aging

  1. Your idea of a fun drive is one without any unprotected left turns.


2. People think you’re growing ‘absent minded’ when really you just don’t care about the trivial shit any more. Like what day it is. Does it really matter whether we agree to call this ‘Tuesday’ or ‘Wednesday’? It’s all today.


3. You don’t judge your neighbors for having a lawn sign for candidate A or candidate B. You judge them on whether or not they bring you cookies on holidays or let their dog crap on your yard.

4. When you get yourself something nice, you don’t ask yourself how long you’ll use it. You ask yourself who will grab it ‘after’.


5. You don’t diss the music people listen to now. In fact you look up the songs you like on YouTube so you can get the words.


6. You give up trying to figure out wine, and just settle on that $10 Rioja that’s always good enough.


7. You go ahead and have a nice steak and fries for dinner. The salads of youth were suffered to afford you this moment.


8. You start to realize that you’re not really getting older and wiser. It’s the rest of the world that’s getting younger and stupider.

9. You watch foreign movies with the captions turned on. And also the domestic ones.


10. You haven’t made any new friends since First Clinton. And that’s OK.

Our Letter from Donald Trump to Joe Biden

Teacher Created Resources Classroom Decorations #TCR8764

Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can.–Barack Obama, in a letter to Donald Trump on Inauguration Day 2016

The 32-year tradition is in peril this year. President Donald Trump has refused to accept the results of November’s election and vowed not to attend Joe Biden’s inauguration on Wednesday. That makes it doubtful Trump will leave behind any handwritten, friendly advice for Biden.–The Associated Press, 1/18/21

Editor’s note: as an aid to healing the nation and closing the divide, we provide here a letter from Donald Trump to the 46th President of the United States, Joseph Biden.

Dear President Biden,

I should apologize for being such a dick towards you for the past few months. But as you know if you’ve read my niece’s wonderful book I’m a pathologically insecure human being incapable of apologizing to anyone since I equate admission of guilt with being a loser. That’s not my fault—I was raised by an emotionally abusive father who ridiculed any sign of perceived weakness and rewarded aggressive, domineering behavior as long as it succeeded. So it’s just who I am.

It was fun while it lasted. I’m going to miss the rallies. But I’m ready to move on now and finish my life as a sour resentful fat old white man of enormous wealth. Or at least loads of credit, still, I hope. If you can put in a good word for me with Deutsche Bank I’d appreciate it. They haven’t been returning my calls lately.

Hey, good luck with the whole Corona-virus deal. My strategy was to both pretend it was all made up and blame it on the Chinese.  I think it worked out pretty well but you may have other ideas.

I won’t beg you for a pardon in the name of healing, unity, closure, etc., since that would make me look weak. But, you know, hint hint!

Look me up if you’re ever down in Florida. I might be able to get you a deal on the green fees at Mar-A-Lago.

If you run into Mike Pence say hi and tell him I was just kidding when I called him a pussy for accepting the election results. I wasn’t kidding though.  Also, if you hear from Mel…she headed back to Slovenia already and I just want to make sure she’s OK. Or if you just want to hang out some time. We can knock back some diet Cokes and talk about all the losers who don’t appreciate everything we’ve done for them like what a beautiful wall.

Sincerely, Donald John Trump

P.S. I left a little present for you in the bottom left drawer of the Resolution Desk. You might want to have one of your Secret Service guys open it, lol!

P.P.S. Is it OK if I use your Twitter account for a while?

N.R.A. Go Home

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre said the organization is "breaking free from the toxic political environment of New York."

An open letter to the National Rifle Association

Editor’s note: the Garden of Eaton exists somewhere in the Great and Sovereign State of Texas, somewhere between Laredo and Lubbock, Big Bend and Beaumont.

Dear National Rifle Association,

It has lately come to our attention that you intend to declare bankruptcy, call the moving van, load it up with the coffee table, the assault rifles, the lawyers, and any remaining dough, leave New York, and head down here to our beloved state of Texas, where, Lipton-onion-soup-like, you would reconstitute yourself. Oh, we would love to have you, N.R.A. But stay where you are! Don’t move or we’ll shoot!

Just kidding, N.R.A. But seriously, you don’t want to come to Texas. It isn’t safe!

Did you know, N.R.A., that according to the Centers for Disease Control, Texas had a per-capita rate of death by handgun of 12.7 for every 100,000 people in 2019? We may not be the worst—god forbid you should move to Mississippi (24.2). But New York’s rate per 100k is only 3.9. So just by moving to Texas you would be more than tripling the chance that you will get blown away by one of our good citizens packing heat. Why would you want to expose yourself or your loved ones to that risk? Stay where you are…it’s so much safer!

Because we just love our guns down here. According to worldpopulationreview.com, more than a third of every man, woman and little baby in this state own at least one firearm.

At least we’re not Alaska, where two thirds of the population packs heat. But then, we don’t have to worry about wolves and polar bears in our front yard, either!

But in New York, only ten percent of the citizens have a gun!

So what’s wrong with you, N.R.A.? Do you have a death wish?

Don’t get the wrong idea, N.R.A. We greatly appreciate all you have done for us! Thanks to you and your political activism for liberty on behalf of gun freaks, we’re swamped with deadly weapons, with all the convenience of weekend gun shows at the convention center and none of the bother of background checks. Thank you for protecting our 2nd Amendment right to blow each other away without interference from pesky liberals and grieving moms!

But why would you want to leave safe New York for the deadly streets of Texas?

We know you don’t like those pesky lawsuits you’re facing in New York over “spending millions of dollars from the non-profit […] on lavish trips, meals and other treats.” But lawsuits don’t kill…bullets do!

So keep your goddamn lawyers, guns and money out of Texas. Thank you!

On the Recent Coup Attempt

What the hell just happened?

Did an angry, screaming mob really take over the U.S. Capitol building, at the very moment Congress was in the act of officially recognizing the recent election of a new president?

And did that mob move on the Capitol immediately following incendiary speeches from the current president, who told them at a nearby rally, that “we’re not going to take it anymore!” and, “if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore?” And did that president’s personal lawyer really tell that same crowd to engage in “trial by combat?”

And did the president happily watch the carnage unfold as it streamed live on his television, while his lawyer attempted to phone one of those legislators now hiding in fear for his life, to ask him to delay the certification of the election?

And did members of that mob, which included an Olympic gold medal athlete, a retired U.S.A.F. lieutenant colonel, and a West Virginia state legislator, actually try to hunt down specific members of Congress, as well as the president’s loyal vice president?

Did members of that mob parade down the halls of the capitol building proudly waving the Confederate flag, the battle flag of the enemy in this nation’s bloodiest war, an enemy enlisted in the cause of slavery?

And did a policeman defending the capitol die after having his skull bashed in by a protester swinging a fire extinguisher?

And was a young woman (another Air Force veteran) shot and killed trying to lead a howling gang through a locked door into the deepest recesses of the capitol, behind the chamber of the House of Representatives?

And did all this happen in the middle of the plague year?

Yes, all of this happened…and more. Human waste was deliberately smeared along the hallways of the Capitol. In case we didn’t know whose side the “demonstrators” were on, one of them waved an enormous flag that stated simply, “Fuck Joe Biden.” Vandals posted gleeful selfies of themselves with their combat boots on legislators’ desks, or walking out with stolen souvenirs.

What are we to think of it? How are we to feel about it? What should we do about it? Was this, like the Whiskey Rebellion, just a pothole, however deep and jarring, on the long and still unbroken path of democracy—or is this the start of a long and painful Time of Troubles, or worse, like the burning of the Reichstag was in the Weimar republic? The answer, of course, is up to us.

I believe that day, January 6th, 2021, will endure in history books and in our collective memory as a watershed moment, more disturbing even than 9/11. The Al Qaeda attackers were never going to bring down our government—not directly, though they did their part in giving rise to the xenophobic component of our current rightwing paranoia. But what foreign terrorists could not accomplish, domestic ones can. One doesn’t need to look too far abroad or into the past to see functioning democracies destroyed from within. And on 1/6/21 we got a glimpse of what that would look like, here.

And yet life (and death) goes on. Restaurants are (half) open, streets are full of traffic, Netflix is streaming, people are still catching COVID and dying from it, and in record numbers. Walking around the streets of my town (Austin), you wouldn’t know that this country just dodged an existential threat to its existence.

And even in Washington, our elected representatives are apparently divided between those who, like me, are outraged, and a nearly equal number who live in an alternate universe where it is our president who is a victim—of a leftwing political and media attack. As Representative Lauren Boebert (R-Colorado) shrieked during the House impeachment debate, “Where’s the accountability for the left after encouraging and normalizing violence?” Apparently even the experience of having to cower in an “undisclosed location” as thugs trash your office building isn’t enough to change one’s opinion of the righteousness of Donald Trump. This does not bode well for the near future.

No one has a crystal ball. But as a nation we have to decide whether that funny little lump under our armpit is no big deal or whether we need to go see the doctor immediately. I’m voting for the latter. It doesn’t get more serious than this.

I’m looking forward to finding out more about what really happened, and didn’t happen, before and during January 6. Did some members of the Capitol police and even U.S. Congressmen give guided tours of the building to fanatics in preparation for the assault? Why were so many signs, especially on social media, overlooked or ignored? Why did it take so long for help to arrive? And what are we going to do about it? (My elected representative, Mike McCaul, R-Texas, chose to do nothing, voting against impeachment.)

We must impeach this traitorous president, in or out of office. If, like Bill Clinton, he was guilty of nothing more than lying about a little extra-marital hanky panky in a West Wing hallway, I would support letting it go in the name of weasel words like “unity” or “healing.” But this president’s crime is too serious.

We need to find and prosecute those who broke into the capitol, those who conspired to break into the capitol, and those who enabled them.

We need to vote, and fight to make voting more accessible to everyone.

And we need to continue to express the truth: that the election was legitimate and fraud-free. That our president and his cohorts helped to spread the lie that it wasn’t. That COVID is real and is killing people. That masks help to prevent it and vaccines will stop it. That the planet has gotten dangerously hot and that we have some control over how much worse it will get.

It’s going to be a long, tough slog. We are opposed by an American subculture that doesn’t simply disbelieve legitimate journalists and scientists. We have to deal with people who distrust the very professions of journalism and science and who believe they are intrinsically corrupt. People who are dosed with generous helpings of racism, xenophobia and nativism. All we can do about that is to continue to speak the truth, pursue the criminals, and treat our neighbors—all of them—with love and kindness.

11 Book Proposals for the New Year

Toilet Paper Treehouses and Fruit Cocktail Casseroles: great ideas for using your COVID hoard

Six Days in January: the story of the Mike Pence presidency

No Golf Course in Leavenworth?!—a collection of Donald Trump’s greatest prison tweets

Look Man, Here’s the Deal: Joe Biden’s secrets to great speechwriting

A Very Short Book: Rudy Giuliani’s business and political career after 2020

The Stupidest Man in the Room…Any Room: a portrait of Louie Gohmert, Congressman from Texas

Why Does Everyone Hate Me? the story of Ted Cruz’s search for a clue

We All Have Better Things to Do: Jill Biden’s guide to decorating your home for the holidays

It Wasn’t My Fault: essays by Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr, Ken Paxton, Josh Hawley and others on the events of January 6, 2021

It’s Your House…So Take a Dump All Over It! the official MAGA guide to our nation’s capitol building

Do I Have to Take Off the Mask? A compulsive’s guide to dealing with the post-COVID world

50 Shades of Post-COVID

I’m sitting outside on the restaurant patio because it’s a warm day…not because I have to. The waiter brings me a platter of hot, crispy calamari and fresh lemon wedges…on a real plate. And a pint glass of wheat beer, beads of condensation running down the sides of the chilled glass. Oh my God. Oh. My. God.

The waiter smiles and asks me if I “need anything else.” I look up at his face. Something is wrong…but why do I feel a bolt of delectable electricity running up my spine? And then it hits me…his face is completely, utterly naked…and so is mine. And we’re only four feet apart!

After lunch I go to a movie. The story is dumb but who cares…it’s been so long since I’ve experienced a big screen, a really big screen…. Someone in the row behind me coughs. I start to panic but I tell myself…Relax. It’s all part of the experience….

As I leave the theater I hear someone call my name…a friend I haven’t seen since March 2020. We start to bump elbows but then something happens. He holds out his hand. What should I do? What do I want to do? My hand grasps his for a warm, firm handshake. Have I gone too far?

On the way home I stop by the grocery store. I have a new, uninhibited, unrestrained sense of myself. I gaze at the fruit. And the vegetables. And the meat. And the cheeses, all of the cheeses. The soft, smelly ones from France and the hard ones from Italy and yes even the tasteless ones from Wisconsin. I am standing in the middle of the aisle and getting in people’s way but I take my time. This is for me. I will not be hurried.

Later on at home an acquaintance texts me and asks me if I want to join her Zoom. No, I say, no. I will meet you for lunch or coffee or dessert or just a walk in the park but I will not Zoom again with you or anyone else. That part of my life is over.

10 CONSPIRACY THEORIES YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT NOW

The bucatini shortage recently reported by Newsweek is actually the result of a scheme by Nelson Bunker Hunt to corner the entire niche-pasta market. The supposedly “dead” oil billionaire, who tried to corner the silver market in the 1980’s, is on video telling his cronies, “after we get whatever price we ask for a pound of bucatini…we’re going after orecchiette! That’s Italian for ‘little ears.’ Bwahahaha!”

Vladimir Putin’s murderous, unsmiling persona actually conceals a murderous, unsmiling person.

The effort to make Americans wear masks is part of a vast medical-wing conspiracy to keep people from dying a horrible, suffocating death.

The move towards mail-in voting, extended early voting, and online voting are all part of an insidious conspiracy to make voting not such a pain in the ass.

The non-traditional, diverse casting of the costume drama “Bridgerton” is the result of a conspiracy to make stupid, uptight people feel oddly uncomfortable.

The actions of Georgia senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler, who used early inside information on the coming pandemic to make a windfall profit on the stock market by investing in online-conferencing and medical equipment companies, was part of a conspiracy to funnel millions of dollars to David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler.

The election of Joseph Biden Jr. to the U.S. presidency is nothing less than the fruit of a massive conspiracy by American voters, attempting to avoid four more years of stupid, venal, traitorous, and dangerously incompetent leadership.

My practice of staying at home as much as possible is part of an under-the-radar scheme to stay alive at least long enough to see The Combover Who Would Be King take a long, last helicopter ride out of town.

The charter flight of University of Texas students to a massive, crowded week-long party in Cabo San Lucas over Spring Break 2020, when the dangers of COVID were already known, was actually…just your usual college-student idiocy.

The fact that I have an entire closet stashed with cans of chili, bags of tortilla chips, and cases of beer is not as closely tied to the pandemic as you might think.

The Story of Abraham and Isaac and Zoom

THE SACRIFISE OF ABRAHAM OFFER SON ISAAC FAITH GOD PAINTING BY CARAVAGGIO REPRO

“Why You Can’t Meet God Over Zoom”—Title of an opinion piece in the N.Y. Times, Dec. 24th 2020

God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.”—Genesis 22

ABRAHAM [GAZING AT HIS LAPTOP]: What am I supposed to do here? Do I need to download something?

ISAAC: I told you, Dad, just click the link!

ABRAHAM: The link, the link, where is the link?

ISAAC: It’s in that Email He sent you, jeez! Hurry up, Dad, He’s probably sitting around waiting for you to join!

ABRAHAM: Oh, something popped up, I think it’s working…

G-D: Good morning!

ABRAHAM: I can see You, Lord! Can You see me?

G-D: Hello?

ISAAC: You need to enable the audio, Dad!

ABRAHAM: Oh…Can you hear me now?

G-D: Hi, Abe old buddy!  Sorry we can’t do this in person, but with this COVID thing and all…

ABRAHAM, Right, no, it’s fine, I get it! Though I was kind of wondering, I mean, you are G-d Almighty and I would think that you couldn’t even get COVID, which I kind of have to believe that you came up with in the first place, being the Cause of All Things…

[SILENCE]

ABRAHAM: Uh, but whatever, ‘mysterious ways,’ right? Heh, heh…

[SILENCE]

ABRAHAM: Ok, I’ll just shut up for a minute.

G-D: Look, I need to ask a little favor from you…

ABRAHAM: Sure, big Guy, whatever I can do…

G-D: You ever been to Moriah?

ABRAHAM: Sure, that little town off mule path 39, right? There’s a food cart up there that does these awesome latkes…

G-D: So I’m gonna need you to head out there with some firewood…

ABRAHAM: Hang on, I better write this down…where did my stylus go?

G-D: It’s not that complicated. Just bring some firewood and a good sharp knife…

ABRAHAM: Can you wait just a sec? Someone’s at the hut opening…

[muffled voices]

ABRAHAM: Sorry about that…the guy came by to drop off my new plow, I’m so excited…have you seen the new bronze ones yet?

G-D: Um…obviously…

ABRAHAM: Oh right, OK. So I need to make a run over to that hill off mule path 39, bring firewood and a sharp knife…oh, I see where you’re going with this, I like it! I’m going to need, like, a lamb or something, right?

G-D: Yeah, about that…is Isaac still there?

ABRAHAM: Hey Isaac, get over here, son…

G-D: Yeah, why don’t you send him outside for a minute…I think one of your camel’s gotten loose…

ABRAHAM: But we don’t have any cam….

G-D: Wanna bet?

ABRAHAM: Isaac, go play outside, the grownups need to talk for a sec…OK, we’re good, Man…

G-D: Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you…hello? Can you hear me?

ARCHANGEL: Looks like your Zoom session ended. I keep telling you to upgrade!

G-D: Think he heard me?

ARCHANGEL: Who knows. Guess we’ll find out!

Hey New Jersey, Can You Help a Texan Out?

Ken Paxton, the Texas attorney general, has asked the Supreme Court to do something it has never done before: disenfranchise millions of voters in four states and reverse the results of the presidential election.-The New York Times, December 10 2020

Hey, excuse me, New Jersey, can I talk to you real quick? Don’t worry, I’m not asking for money, heh heh! I was wondering if you could help me out with a coupla problems we’re having down in Texas…

See, I just found out that Texas’ Attorney General Ken Paxton is suing Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin because they voted for the wrong person for President. Awesome! I had no idea that one state could sue others in order to make them do their democracy the right way!

Anyway that got me started thinking about the possibilities. Cause the election process down here is pretty messed up. It might even be worse than Georgia!

Like did you know that straight-party-line voting, which used to be an option, is now banned in Texas? That means it takes a lot longer for each person to vote now. Have you ever stood in line outside a community center in Austin in October for an hour to do early voting? Your beer gets warm in the first 5 minutes!

And did you know, New Jersey, that our governor declared that there can be one and only one mail-in-ballot drop-off box per county? That includes Brewster County, which is twice the size of Delaware, and Harris County, which all by itself has about half the population of your fine state!

Messed up, right? But nothing that a little inter-state lawsuit couldn’t fix!

I was going to ask a state with more pull, like New York or California, but it’s so hard to get on their calendar, so I thought I’d try you for a change…oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that! Don’t walk away, New Jersey, I’m begging you…

Cause did you know, New Jersey, that mail-in voting is only permitted for people over 65 or with severe medical conditions that prevent them from voting in person?

I know lawsuits are expensive, Nooj—can I call you Nooj? I might be able to kick in a couple of twenties.

And since you’re going to all that trouble, maybe you can toss a few more things into the filing? Like the gun shows…that’s where you can get an AK with cash down, no background check. Scary, right? And if you wouldn’t mind, we’re kind of falling behind the other states in the area of…the wacky tabacky, if you get my drift. I mean once AG Paxton manages to force Donald Trump down our throats, how are we supposed to get through another four years of that nightmare without nature’s little helper?

Thanks for helping a Texan out, New Jersey. And let me know if you ever need me to sue you too!

The Madman in the (White House) Attic

Place: West Wing, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

Time: January 20, 2021, afternoon.

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JOE BIDEN JR: Put the photos of Jill and the kids over there by that bronze buffalo thingy, and let me see, you can set the nuclear football in the corner over there…

CHIEF OF STAFF RON KLAIN: Yes sir…

POTUS: …and the hopes and dreams of a nation go in that drawer over there…[MUFFLED SOUND OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS IN ANOTHER ROOM]…what the heck was that?

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: [DRAWING SIDEARM] Stand back sir, we’ll handle this.

[SIDE DOOR TO OVAL OFFICE IS FLUNG OPEN. A HULKING GHOST OF THE PAST WITH A LONG RED TIE LOOMS IN THE DOORWAY.]

GHOST OF THE PAST: Who is that strange man? Why is he sitting in my chair?

SSA: [TALKING INTO HIS WATCH] Situation in the Oval Office. Bonespur is loose. [To GHOST] It’s all right, Mr. President. This is…Joe, your [winks at POTUS]…new press secretary! Right, Joe?

POTUS: Oh, Godfrey Daniel. Yeah, sure man, whatever. I’m your new press secretary, ok?

GHOST: But I want Kayleigh! Where’s Kayleigh? Where’s all my stuff?

SSA: Your personal items have been transferred to…the new White House…where you’ll get to be President forever, remember?

GHOST [to POTUS]: I’m the President! Of America!

POTUS: uhh, sure, man…

GHOST: You know why I’m the President? Because everybody loves me! Like the suburban women! I asked them to love me, and now they all love me!

[ENTER FORMER FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP]: What’s goink on? How did he escape?

SSA: We think someone hid a file in his Whopper…

FORMER FIRST LADY: It must have been a pretty short file!

POTUS: Look, can we wrap this up? I need to get started on healing a broken nation….

GHOST: [AGITATED] I’m so confused…what’s he talking about? What’s happening? I’m the President!

FORMER FIRST LADY: Yes darlink, of course you are, and you always will be. And now we’re going to take you to the hosp… to the new White House…

GHOST: The new White House?

FFL: Yes, and it’s so much better than this old place! You can play golf, and hold rallies, and make phone calls to radio stations, and go tweet tweet tweet, all day long!

GHOST: Will my friends be there?

FFL: Your who?

GHOST: Like Billy Barr and Kellyanne and Mikey Pence and Kimmie Il-Jung…

FFL: You’ll have new friends now, and they’ll all be wearing clean white coats…you remember how much you hate germs?

POTUS: This is all great fun, but can we just get him the heck out of here? I got enough on my plate, without putting up with a demented megalomaniac who thinks the universe revolves around him!

FFL: Tell me about it!

Why Did Trump Lose? No, Really, I Want to Know…

The only way we can lose this election is if they cheat. OK, that’s the only way.—President Donald Trump, speaking on 60 Minutes, October 18 2020

Biden wins presidency, Trump denied second term in White House, Fox News projects—headline on foxnews.com, November 7 2020

Attorney General William Barr said Tuesday that the Justice Department has not uncovered evidence of widespread voter fraud that could change the outcome of the 2020 presidential election, despite claims by President Trump and his campaign’s legal team.—foxnews.com, December 1 2020

 There’s been so much hand-wringing on the left since the election, that it’s surprising we don’t have a rash of broken wrists. Why were the polls so far off? Why was the election even close? Why did the Dems fail to take the Senate, not to mention losing ground in the House?

This is a rather skewed way of looking at things, considering that we won the top prize of the presidency by as many electoral votes as Trump won it four years ago, and with a whopping 5-million-vote popular-vote margin; retained our majority in the House; and at the very least narrowed the gap in the Senate by a seat.

Liberals won the presidency and the other side lost, so why should they engage in rhetorical self-flagellation?  More to the point, why aren’t conservatives asking themselves why they lost?

The president himself declared before the election that he could not possibly lose, except through a fraudulent election. And millions of my conservative fellow Americans apparently believed him and still do.

But now even Attorney General William “it’s not Russia, but the Russia investigation, that needs investigatin’” Barr is publicly declaring that fraud did not decide the election.

Well then, what happened?

No, I’m asking you, my MAGA- or KAG-cap-wearing friend. Or rather, suggesting that you ask yourself.

If Donald Trump was in fact the great American hope, the swamp cleaner-outer, the wily businessman, the builder of walls to keep out those scary brown people, the bringer-back of jobs, the stander-upper to China, the shutter-outer of the Muslim immigrants you hate, the one who made America so great again that your campaign slogan was “Keep America Great”…with four years to demonstrate his prowess on all fronts…then how could the man possibly lose?

You can’t blame the election outcome on the economy. Trump was the business-comeback genius, that’s why we elected him in the first place, remember? We all know Biden never met a payroll. And as Trump never tired of telling us, the economy was doing great before the COVID virus struck (or didn’t strike, depending on your beliefs). What’s wrong with us…don’t we like a strong economy?

You can’t blame it on COVID. We all saw the President doing everything in his power to shield us, the American people, from harmful governmental restrictions. He personally set the example by declining to wear a mask until after he got infected, and then heroically ripping it off in front of the cameras. He kept up our morale by continually promising us that the epidemic was overblown and practically over anyway. Why didn’t that resonate with more voters?

You can’t blame it on “the mainstream media.” The president had the full-throated support of Fox News, the cable news outlet with the most viewership in the country by far. You can’t get more mainstream than that. Fox presented your point of view 24 by 7 by 4 long years. And last I checked, one didn’t need to be a card-carrying member of the Tea Party to watch Fox News. Why weren’t more people listening?

And as A.G. Barr has said, you can’t blame it on fraud.

So what the hell happened? I really want to know.

I have my own ideas about why Trump lost the election, and by such a large margin. But I don’t think you really want to hear them, they tend to be a bit…critical. They have to do with a certain mean-spiritedness in the White House, and about incompetence, stupidity, arrogance and corruption in thought, policy and executive action. But those are just my own inconsequential opinions.

No, I think the important thing is for you to ask yourselves, why did our can’t-lose hero lose?

Now, if you still think this election was a fraud, or a fluke, or maybe just the result of poor messaging, or not enough money…and if you can’t wait for 2024 so that Donald Trump can run again, or if not him then Ivanka, or Eric, or Don Jr….that’s your business, my Republican friends. Frankly, nothing would make me happier. But first, you might want to ask yourself some searching questions about what really happened this time around.

The American

The only way we can lose this election is if they cheat. OK, that’s the only way.—President Donald Trump, speaking on 60 Minutes, October 18 2020

Biden wins presidency, Trump denied second term in White House, Fox News projects-headline on foxnews.com, November 7 2020

According to Donald Trump, Donald Trump could not possibly lose to Joseph Biden, unless Biden cheated. Then, Biden won. Ergo, cheating!

But how? Our award-winning (we predict) investigation shows exactly what happened. Here is the step by step analysis of how the election was stolen from you, the American people. Warning: you will be shocked!

1969: The long con begins when Joe Biden, a young attorney, begins a 50-year career in public service by running for a council seat in New Castle County, Delaware. He slyly appeals to voters by opposing a highway project that will obliterate several neighborhoods. Insidious!

1972: Biden stuns the world (or at least Delaware) by defeating a popular Republican’s re-election bid for the U.S. Senate. How did he do it? With a platform based on “withdrawal from Vietnam, the environment, civil rights, mass transit, more equitable taxation, health care, and public dissatisfaction with ‘politics as usual’”. Bwahahaha!

1973-2009: By working with leaders on both sides of the aisle, Biden steadily develops a reputation as a moderate can-do senator who gets common-sense legislation passed for the benefit of the American people. Diabolical!!

2008: After losing in the primaries for the presidential race to Barak Obama, Biden accepts Obama’s request to join the platform as his running mate, in hopes of furthering his eventual chances to become president…a bold tactic only attempted by 43 previous Vice Presidents!!

2008-2016: In a move no one saw coming, Vice-President Biden outwits his opponents by earning a reputation as a pretty solid Vice President! Brilliant!

2016: Biden craftily sits out the 2016 election cycle, forcing Donald Trump to win the election and give the American people four long years of his disgusting, divisive behavior…Genius!

August 2020: Biden insidiously snatches the Democratic nomination for President out of the hands of Bernie Sanders…by appealing to a broad coalition of progressives, moderates, the working class, and minorities!!

August-November 2020: Biden treacherously turns the table on President Trump by staying isolated and wearing a mask through most of the campaign. Trump is left helpless, unable to avoid big, patriotic, flag-waving rallies that make his followers sick!

September-October 2020: Over two debates, a nation can only watch in horror as Biden stays on message and displays a calm command of facts and figures!

November 4, 2020: In a lightning strike, Joseph Biden wins the election for President of the United States of America by receiving 80 million votes…more than any other candidate in the history of the nation, and 5 million more than Donald Trump. His mass of followers deliberately frustrates Trump’s efforts to overturn the election, by committing no election fraud whatsoever! Biden’s 50-year plot to steal the 2020 election has succeeded!!!

Next week: How NASA “put a man on the moon”…by putting a man on the moon!!