Interview with Science

Well, I don’t think science knows, actually.”—Donald Trump in response to concern about climate change at a press briefing with California state officials, on the causes of the record-breaking wildfires, September 14th, 2020.

3a: knowledge or a system of knowledge covering general truths or the operation of general laws especially as obtained and tested through scientific method. b: such knowledge or such a system of knowledge concerned with the physical world and its phenomena : NATURAL SCIENCE—Merriam-Webster online dictionary’s definition of “science.”

GARDEN OF EATON: We’re talking today with science. Glad to have you on our show!

SCIENCE: Thanks for having me, Garden!

GOE: So, do you know about global warming?

SCIENCE: Huh? You mean, like, the long-term heating of the earth’s atmosphere and oceans caused by the introduction of massive amounts of gases such as methane and carbon dioxide into the air?

GOE: Yeah, like that. Do you know if it’s real?

SCIENCE: Does a bear defecate in its natural habitat?

GOE: And it’s caused by human activity?

SCIENCE: [expletive], didn’t you guys see An Inconvenient Truth? What part of “truth” don’t you get?

GOE: But that was produced by a liberal…

SCIENCE: I’m science, I don’t know from liberal. All I know is that the more greenhouse gases you pump into the atmosphere, the hotter you’re gonna get. We’ve established the [expletive] out of the causal relationship. If you want polkadots and moonbeams and intelligent design, go talk to my cousin pseudoscience. That [multiple expletives] will tell you whatever you want to hear. Or turn on Fox News, same difference.

GOE: I didn’t mean to offend you, science.

SCIENCE: Hey, what do I care, I’m just science. It’s your planet. It’s just that I get a little ticked off sometimes cause we gave you a pretty nice little planet, with air and water and a [expletive] of cool minerals and we even threw in a moon so you’d have tides and something to write poetry about. And then we tilted its axis of rotation just a little with respect to its orbit around the sun, to create some seasonal interest. Oh, and it’s round by the way. In case anyone’s still not clear on that…

GOE: Right…

SCIENCE: And then y’all have to go and [expletive] it all up with coal-fired power plants and ginormous pig farms. And then when it all goes [expletive] up and the forests start burning you’re all like, “well science doesn’t know!” Were you, like, deaf all these years?

GOE: We don’t have a lot of time remaining…

SCIENCE: You got that right.

GOE: But I wanted to ask you: How long is this Coronavirus thing going to last?

SCIENCE: That’s up to you! How should I know?

GOE: But you’re science, you know everything, right?

SCIENCE: Thanks [chuckles], that’s very gracious of you, but no, there’s quite a lot of stuff I don’t know. I’m working on it. It doesn’t help when you cut my funding. If you really want my help you need to start forking over some serious Benjamins instead of passing tax cuts for the rich!  Sorry, I get worked up talking about this…

GOE: Thanks again, science. We’ll be talking to you again soon…

SCIENCE: Hopefully…

10 More People And Things That Really Heat Our Cool

The lady who hovers forever in the pasta aisle. Right in front of my rigatoni.

Anyone who uses the verb ‘unpack.’ Unless they’re actually referring to luggage. When I was a kid we had ‘explain’. And we liked it.

Vladimir Putin. Donald Trump gives me indigestion. Vladimir Putin gives me nightmares. I would bet green money the man sleeps in a coffin.

The upstairs neighbors who toke on their balcony. Do they offer me a puff? No, they do not.

Cheesy 3rd-tier shows on Netflix, like ‘Longmire’ and ‘Lucifer’. Why do they irritate me? Because I watch them, okay?

People who think ‘Black Lives Matter’ is unfair. For cryin’ out loud.

Whoever wrote ‘The President is Missing.’ In other words, Bill Clinton and James Patterson. One novel, two authors, and yet…the novelist is missing.

WordPress. For inserting bowel-cleaning ads in the middle of my blog posts as the price for hosting my free entry-level account. (I don’t see a cent of the ad revenue, by the way.) What a clever up-sell strategy: nauseate my readers. Both of them.

« Be Best ». It just grates on my ears. Would it really have hurt anything to stick an article or a pronoun between ‘be’ and ‘best’? (And what the hell does it really mean, anyway?) Maybe it’s just me. Is it wrong to demand correct?

The mini video clips that have replaced simple photos on the front page of the electronic version of the New York Times. How can I read the headlines when the port of Beirut is getting blown up every 4.5 seconds?

On Loving Donald Trump

I hate Donald Trump. I want to love Donald Trump. I need to love Donald Trump.

It is a goal of mine to love every living human being.* This hatred I feel is irrational, childish, a waste of emotional energy, pointless. Self-destructive. Unfair, even. And wrong. I don’t believe in the existence of bad people, any more than I believe in a bad snake or a bad asteroid. There are just damaged, malformed, or incomplete people who can cause severe damage to others and who need to be rendered as harmless as possible. And loved like everyone else.

My reasons are both altruistic and selfish. My fantasy-self (ever to be striven for, never to be remotely realized) is partly a Ghandi-Jesus-MLK world-wise, somewhat saddened saint who is incapable of lowering himself to hatred, and partly a world-wise, somewhat saddened George Sanders type who stands to one side observing all the atrocities of the modern world as he bemusedly consoles himself with another perfectly fashioned gin and tonic. Imagining that self is how I try to “be best.”

But knowing that my feelings are irrational, and beneath me, does not cause me to unfeel them. How can I unburden myself of this very real loathing? It’s so hard!

How can I love someone who has caused so much gratuitous pain and suffering for this country, and for the world? Someone who has happily collaborated with our enemies, someone who has separated small children from their mothers for the crime of not possessing the proper documents, someone who calls our own war dead “suckers and losers,” someone who…

But there I go again…missing the point. Missing my own point.

And this exercise is especially hard today, when one is stuck with oneself all day long. Do I immerse myself in “work”? Yes, like right now for example. And one click away, one partly-hidden screen behind this one, is Google News, or the New York Times,** or some other electronic bearer of Commander Bonespur’s latest lies, denials, reprisals, balls fumbled and china shops smashed. But once again, I digress. 

And why should I hate Donald Trump, anyway? He hasn’t made me suffer in any immediate way. (Not yet anyway. Knock wood and wash hands.) Lots of people do a lot of bad things to a lot of innocent people, but they don’t seem to affect me emotionally like Trump does, in such a personal, pervasive way.

If I have to give a reason, it would be something like this: There’s a bully in the playground.  He likes to hit the kid who is little or fat or stutters or uses big words or whose mother packs him a funny-smelling foreign kind of lunch. Other kids mostly pile on the same abuse at the same kids because they are scared of ending up on the wrong side of the bully’s wrath. You hate the bully but you console yourself by thinking about his future. He’s going to end up in jail, you tell yourself, or with a really dumb thankless job. He’s going to be the creep no woman wants to date, the obnoxious colleague who never gets invited to the party.

And then one day you wake up and the bully is fantastically wealthy, married to a supermodel 24 years his junior, is President of the United States of America, and is greeted by rabidly adoring fans wherever he goes. And all this, not in spite of, but because he is the playground bully. Oh, that hurts.

Not to mention the fact that the man is the author of a book that was on the NY Times’ bestseller list for 48 weeks—including 13 weeks as #1!  And he didn’t even write it! I actually wrote a novel myself, without help…and I can’t get even get the sleaziest low-rent literary agent interested in peddling it for me! As literature goes my novel may well be a load of armadillo poop but I’m quite confident that you’d find it at least as informative and much more entertaining than The Art of the Deal. ***

My god…does my hatred arise out of…envy? Well…that’s probably a part of it. But more importantly, what is my way out?

I have tried examining the positives. Like this: Trump never owned any slaves. On that score he’s superior to 2 out of the 4 whose enormous mugs are carved into Mt. Rushmore (Washington and Jefferson, of course). He hasn’t started any wars based on phony evidence. George W. Bush did, and has never admitted even the possibility of a mistake, yet I don’t hate him. Now, I think Bush is a smug idiot who needlessly caused the deaths of thousands of American soldiers and many thousands of innocent civilians, but I cannot say that I hate him. And I think the reason is that, unlike Trump, I believe that Bush does have a heart.

Maybe that’s my way out: the take-the-clinically-objective-approach approach. After reading Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, Mary Trump’s account of her uncle Donald (it’s a real laugh riot), it’s painfully clear that I am directing all this negative emotional energy towards a human void, a sort of automaton programmed to behave in a meanspirited, selfish way, but which cannot itself actually feel any real pain or joy. From this point of view, hating the man is as senseless as hating a rabid dog. The only person the hatred hurts is me. Trump wins again!

But knowing that isn’t enough to change how I feel. I can tell myself that it is wrong and pointless to hate anyone, let alone a defective human being. But once he gets up on that podium and unleashes that greasy smile and starts talking about Democrats wanting to destroy our country, my hair and my blood pressure both shoot up.

Maybe you have an idea. Are you able to mentally, intellectually, spiritually rise above it all? What’s the trick? I’m willing to try just about anything.

__________________________________________________________________________________

*That’s every living person. So don’t spring the Hitler trap on me.

**Or Fox News, which simply infuriates me even more

***No, I haven’t read it. But still.

If We Make It Through November

To the tune of “If We Make It Through December”

With apologies to the late, great Merle Haggard

If we make it through November

Everything’s gonna be all right, I know

Maybe even indoor dining

If Fauci tells us it’s ok to go!

If we make it through November

I hope we get a vaccine for this bug

Cause my mama, she don’t understand

Why her darling boy won’t give his ma a hug

2020’s been a trial

And I don’t know what the next year holds in store

Heaven knows I’ll vote for Biden

Cause my achin’ heart can’t take another four!

Wish we had that mail-in voting

Don’t want to get sick, standing there in line

Still let’s vote for Joseph Biden

And knock the stuffing from that turkey for all time

If we make it through November

Everything’s gonna be all right I know.

Days are dark now, and I tremble

When I hear the lies on Dr. Laura’s show.

If we make it through November

Got plans to do some travel come next summertime

Maybe even to the barber

If we make it through November, we’ll be fine

Random Thoughts on the Long Hot Horrible Summer of 2020

As T.S. Eliot noted, April is the cruelest month. But with climate change, it’s moved up to February.

Things we’re going to miss: polar ice caps, giant sequoias, coastal communities, coral reefs, and conservative pundits who don’t scare the daylights out of us.

Our governor (Greg Abbott) bet against scientific evidence and advice this spring, and hoped for the best. As a strategy for ensuring public health, and protecting the state’s businesses…that didn’t work out so good.

It was cold comfort to see the panic in his eyes when he finally went on TV and suggested it might be a good idea for folks to wear masks.

“If I could go back and redo anything, it probably would have been to slow down the opening of bars,” Gov. Abbott said on June 26.  Incautious people crowding into bars…who saw that coming?

It’s been so hot here in Texas this summer, you can fry an egg…well, anywhere, really.

It’s so hot here in Texas, you can throw an icecube in the air, and you’ll never see it again.

It’s so hot here in Texas, my A/C compressor is begging me to let it come inside.

It’s so hot here in Texas, the gin and tonics are drinking gin and tonics.

I don’t know why the Republican party didn’t just cut out the middleman and nominate Beelzebub for president. Or Alex Jones, same difference.

The saddest moment for me this summer was to hear Doc Rivers have to ask “why [African Americans] love this country, and this country does not love us back.” I wish I had an answer for that one.

I admire professional athletes for walking off the court. How can you kick someone in the face and then expect them to keep you entertained?

That fat white middle-age middle-class couple in St. Louis pointing loaded semiautomatic weapons at their peaceful compatriots walking on their “private” road tarnishes the image of all of us peace-loving fat white middle-aged middle-class people.

They are saying Russia is again meddling in favor of Trump, while the Chinese are pulling for Biden. If that’s true…God, I hope the Chinese win our election.

Election interference, disinformation campaigns, and voter suppression aside, if we don’t elect Joe Biden and Kamala Harris by a popular and electoral landslide, we don’t deserve this democracy.

Although, if Biden wins by one single electoral vote, I will be with you, my brothers and sisters, to defend our victory.

A Reading List for the New Dispensation

(Today’s post is written by our friend, the retired State Department officer George Kopf.)

It is very difficult to consider, much less manage, a perilous future. We’ve all seen public service announcements on television featuring lung cancer victims who continue to smoke.  Denial is an overwhelming human behavior, a kind of species addiction.  I’ve been reading William Manchester’s “Alone,” the second volume of his biography of Winston Churchill.  Today it is hard to grasp that between 1930 and late 1938 Churchill was one of the most despised public figures in Britain, someone who was considered a crank and a fanatic who was banned from the airwaves and columns of major newspapers.  Churchill’s sin was to have published his belief that Hitler was for real, that is, someone more threatening than a run-of-the-mill nationalist politician, but a genuine predator who posed an existential threat to the U.K., Europe, and Jews everywhere.  For many complex reasons, this was a message no one wanted to hear in the U.K. in 1932. Churchill was eight years ahead of popular opinion, and suffered for it.  He lost public office, income, policy influence, access to information, and friendships.  At one point late in the decade when he rose to speak in Parliament, he was so effectively shouted down by a unanimous chorus of MPs, led by members of his own party, that he had to leave the building, and rarely returned to Parliament before being called back at the end of the decade.

Churchill could have been wrong; history proved him right, and he got there first. By monitoring German investment in armaments, he was able to visualize a catastrophe a decade hence.  Today I suspect most of us would be grateful if we could similarly visualize three, six or twelve months into the future.  Distracted by the covid pandemic and political uncertainty, we are all on edge.  The urge to get away, to deny, grows stronger just as our predicament deepens. Nostalgia beckons.  People want to return to the past, to work, to get their kids back into school, to pick up the threads of their lives.  Public leadership has been hopelessly muddled on this issue, but most (sane) individuals at some level understand that picking up where we left off last February would only be admissible if two conditions pertained: 1) that it were feasible, practical and possible in the first place. 2) that it were desirable.  In other words, normal employees won’t return to life threatening workplaces and normal parents won’t send their kids into the arms of infection.  Moreover,  some people may apply the lessons of the pandemic to reconsider who they were last February and decide not to party as if it were 2019.  Months away from normal activity may have the effect of the proverbial sea voyage.  Prompted by economic necessity or more personal reasons, some people may reconsider their lives and their vocations.  They will become different, and collectively so will our society. 

Reconsidering ourselves in the coming dispensation is the subject of two short pieces of literature which appear below for your enjoyment. I urge you to have a brief look.  In times of crises, political leaders, like Churchill, may get there first.  Other times it’s the artists.  These two easy pieces may initially appear gloomy, but they are balanced by optimistic visions of our ability to know ourselves, assess ourselves, and move on.  Interestingly, both take place in what is now Israel and the West Bank. T.S. Eliot’s “The Return of the Magi” was published in 1927.  “Outside” by the Israeli writer Etgar Keret appeared on July 12, 2020 in the New York Times Magazine.

–George Kopf

MORE HEADLINES WE’D LIKE TO SEE

TRUMP RESIGNS IN WAKE OF CRUSHING DEFEAT

VP Pence also walks; Speaker Pelosi sworn in as new POTUS

COVID SPONTANEOUSLY DISAPPEARS AFTER ELECTION DAY

200K dead Americans come back to life; liberal hoax exposed

TUCKER CARLSON: “BLACK LIVES MATTER”

“I finally get it,” declares Fox anchor, “It’s so obvious!”

CDC CONFIRMS: BRATWURST AND BEER PREVENT COVID

But only when taken together “in substantial quantities,” study cautions

BEIJING HANDS REINS OF POWER TO TAIWAN

“They just do a way better job of governing responsibly, and without the whole police-state deal,” admits Premier Hsi

TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY PLANS CANCELLED FOR LACK OF DONORS

“You don’t need a fancy building to host a bunch of stupid tweets,” say wealthy reactionary supporters

CIA ADMITS MEDDLING IN RUSSIAN ELECTION

U.S. interference results in first fair vote since Putin took power

2021: NO UNARMED BLACK MEN KILLED BY POLICE

In policy flip, police depts. decide not to shoot or choke unarmed human beings for no reason

On the Fourth of July

We’re celebrating…what was it?

What exactly is it that our national holiday tomorrow, July 4th 2020, is in celebration of? According to my elementary school teachers, the answer was simple: the signing of our Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. Independence from what or whom? From that oppressive tyrant, the king of England, of course. And what was it about that tyranny that was so darned oppressive? We were told that it was something called “taxation without representation.”

And what exactly was “taxation without representation?” That was something of a mystery. Taxation I had a vague understanding of.  It was something my parents had to deal with once a year, involving a lot of papers strewn across the kitchen table. I had the impression that dealing with taxes was a dull, necessary task, but my parents didn’t seem particularly upset by it.

So the “without representation” part must have been the key. This part was particularly fuzzy to us schoolchildren. Some of us may have vaguely understood that the issue had to do with paying money to the government but not having any say about what that government did. Still, by itself, it seemed a rather abstract issue over which to pick up a musket and start shooting at, and get shot by, redcoats. But I never questioned the right or wrong of it. A whole body of patriotic hymns, poems, monuments and paintings celebrated our revolution, so it must have been for a glorious cause. Those revolutionaries fought, and many died, for our freedom. How could anyone question that?

But many things were left unexamined or unexplained. The whole issue of slavery, for example, and the fact that many of our “founding fathers” owned slaves in large numbers, and had no intention of awarding any of them “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

Another contradiction gradually dawned on me in the long years since I attended Sam Houston elementary school in Denton, Texas. If the fact that we Americans enjoy freedom and self-determination is owing to the bloody revolution fought by our ancestors, then what about Canada? They don’t seem to be miserably oppressed subjects of tyranny. Are they all just pretending to be as happy, or happier, than we are? Or is it that they, unlike Americans, are perfectly OK with being serf-like subjects of a rank monarchy? It sure seems like they govern themselves anyway, to the same extent that we govern…us. And without a shot being fired.

How can that be? Because if those Canadians are a happy, democratic people, then that suggests that our revolution was…unnecessary. No way!

But as a thought exercise, let’s imagine that the American Revolution had never taken place, and that the colonies had continued as colonies of Great Britain and that their history had followed a course similar to that of Canada. Would we now be better off, or worse?

Let’s look at slavery. Great Britain outlawed the Atlantic slave trade in 1807 and banned slavery in its colonies outright in 1833. It thus ended slavery a full 32 years before the U.S. did – again, without a shot being fired. This was accomplished by paying enormous sums of public money in compensation to colonial slaveholders.

What if America had remained a part of Britain, subject to the same deal? 32 years of slavery would have been avoided. And since there were about 4 million slaves in the U.S. when the Civil War began, we are talking about something like 128 million person-years of slavery that never would have happened.

And not only that, but there would not have been a Civil War. Over 600,000 deaths would have been avoided.

Healthcare? According to the LA Times in an article this year, Canada spends one-fourth per capita on healthcare compared to the US.  Yet—claims the same article—Canadians are about as healthy as Americans.

Gun violence? In a big-government, gun-restricting country like Canada, there must be a lot of armed criminals and woefully unarmed law-abiding citizens, right? Yet the U.S. has approximately 4.5 gun-related deaths per 100,000 citizens per year…while in Canada it’s only about 0.5!

But who cares about these big-government socialistic perks…what we’re talking about here is freedom, right? That’s what we’re celebrating. Freedom of expression, of the press, of assembly, of religion.

Well, last time I checked, every Canadian woke up this morning in a free country, every bit as free as ours. And they somehow obtained their freedom without the death of approximately 24,000 of their own citizen-soldiers killed in action or due to disease or during imprisonment by the enemy.

And I have to say, in comparing the two heads of state that our two peoples have used their democracy to put in charge, it’s kind of looking like they are using their freedom more wisely than we are.

So at the risk of sounding un-American, I’m still not clear on what we’re so worked up about on this day.

Even if we have Starbuck’s and they have Tim Horton’s.

THE TULSA RALLY: FAQs

What is the purpose of the rally? Um…you ask a really good question! We’re not…really sure?

Should we be concerned about getting sick from attending the rally? No!

What steps are being taken to keep the attendees safe? What are you, a sissy…or a loser?

Should I wear a mask at the rally to prevent the spread of the Covid-19 virus? To prevent the what of the what?

Wouldn’t it be better to hold the rally when the rates of infection in Oklahoma are going down instead of up? Yeah, maybe, I guess…no, I mean no!

Why do I have to sign a statement relieving Donald Trump Inc. of any responsibility for my death in case I die as a result of attending the rally? So that Donald Trump doesn’t have to spend a lot money to keep from paying your estate even more money when you get sick and die as a result of attending the rally. Hehe kidding, just sign the damn form.

Will there be a moment of silence and an opportunity to kneel in support of the Black Lives Matter movement? Another good question! No!

Are people of color welcomed at the rally? Yes, but we already have one!

On George Floyd, Black Lives Matter, and All Lives Matter

Of course all lives matter. That was never the question. The question is, if all lives matter, why are black lives treated with such disdain?

The fundamental oppression of black lives in this country won’t disappear until we all take it personally—until we see the murder of George Floyd not just as an awful tragedy that happened to them, but as an atrocity inflicted on us. That shouldn’t be so hard. Anyone who has seen the video of Floyd’s murder and doesn’t feel angry, who doesn’t take it personally, is missing something as a thinking, feeling human being.

The multitudes of young white people marching with the Black Lives Matter movement is a promising sign that the larger community of Americans is taking it personally.

But it’s just a first step. Demonstrating is important but in a way it’s the easy part. I wonder what will happen, what will change, when those young people become HR managers, loan officers, police officers, prosecutors, judges and politicians.

When they decide who to hire and who to fire, when they decide who gets a loan to buy a house or start a business and at what rate, when they decide whether to shoot someone or just let them run away, when they decide whether someone convicted of a non-violent crime gets probation or gets sent to the penitentiary, when they decide who gets to vote and how easy or difficult it is to do so, will they remember George Floyd and Black Lives Matter then? Or will the demonstrations just be something to brag about in middle age, like being at Woodstock was for their parents and grandparents?

I hope that they, and all of us, remember George Floyd, take his death personally, and act accordingly as we go about our daily lives.  That’s how things change.

Emergency Call

911? I

Need help!

A man just tried

To buy some cigarettes

With a fake twenty-dollar bill I think. He’s kind of big

And black.

No, he’s in his car but he might come back

At any moment. I think

That he’s been drinking

Or something. No he doesn’t have a gun but he

Was laughing pretty loud, you know? Did I mention

That he’s African

American, and pretty big? You might

Want to send more people. I’m so frightened

I can hardly breathe.

On the Pandemacademy

Our thoughts on virtual higher learning

Over the past month or so it’s begun to sink into my thick skull that life after Covid-19 (which may not after all arrive for many months yet) is not going to be like it was before, nor is it just going to be like-before-with-masks, or like-before-with-masks-and-without-hugs. I’m afraid it’s going to be fundamentally different, for a very long time and perhaps permanently.

I’m skeptical that brick-and-mortar businesses like bookstores and diners and shopping malls will ever be restored to anything like their pre-pandemic levels. Many of the few remaining Luddites who felt uncomfortable buying things that they couldn’t first see and touch will have gotten over that discomfort—and gotten used to the ease of ordered underwear and light bulbs from their living room couches. Many people will discover that what they cook in their kitchen is actually pretty damn good, and what they were eating in restaurants tastes even better in the safety of their homes.

A particular aspect of American life and culture that I’ve been wondering about is the university. What will become of the great state and private campuses, campuses that become small (or not so small) cities every year from September to May? What will become of the dining halls, the dormitories, the auditoriums? The gigantic high-rise libraries that students have already started to use mainly as wi-fi hotspots with comfy chairs? What will become of the university community—the clubs and cafes and apartment blocks peopled with students and staff and faculty? I grew up in university towns (Urbana, Illinois, and Denton, Texas), and what made those towns worth living in were all the smart, weird, provocative, eccentric, devoted people who arrived there from all over the country and all over the world.

Austin without UT-Austin would just be a big, congested Texas city with a lot of software engineers and mostly Republican state legislators. Now there’s a horrifying thought.

But more importantly, what will become of the classrooms, and of the activity that normally takes place within them?

There is noise around town is that the enormous University of Texas campus will open with live classes in the fall, and close before Thanksgiving, with any post-Thanksgiving classes and tests taking place virtually. I hope that can happen, and happen safely, but I think it’s an optimistic scenario, considering where the country and the state are at right now. Texas now stands at roughly 1,000 new cases and 25 deaths per day, according to the New York Times. The rate of new cases has started to fall in just the past few days, but then we don’t yet know the effects of the current “reopening.” And the idea of bringing massive numbers of young people from all over the world together here in September could be a recipe for disaster.

If the regents deem it safe enough and can solve (or explain away) difficult problems such as housing tens of thousands of students in a safe, healthy way, will the students come back? Will their parents who are footing the bill let them?

I think many students want to come back. I audited an undergraduate French language course that, like classes in general, was live up through Spring break, and then taught through Zoom for the remainder of the semester. UT, and my instructor, did an impressive job of switching to virtual teaching midway through the semester. The technology, and its application, worked pretty damn well. The material was the same, the homework was the same, the lectures and lesson plans were the same, even the “breakouts” where students are grouped in twos or threes within the class for a few minutes for discussion or exercises were the same. Or perhaps even better, since Zoom created the breakout groups automatically, obviating the somewhat awkward process of letting students form their own.  Yet when the teacher asked the students one day how they liked virtual learning as opposed to the old way, the response was mostly negative. The verb “suck” was used liberally. Also the attendance, which had been close to full before, dropped sharply after Zoom was instituted. Several factors contributed to the drop in attendance, but why wouldn’t class attendance be higher when all you have to do is roll out of (or just sit up in) bed to join in?  I think the reason is that live classes are for some reason just more fun.

But who knows what students will do, especially if UT offers virtual attendance as an alternative to anyone who wants it? Just think how much cheaper a degree from a first-class university would be if you didn’t have to leave home to acquire it.

My fear is that colleges and universities will die off and combine, and students will take advantage of virtual learning to create their own degree plans by picking and choosing the best (or cheapest or most convenient) classes and lecturers from a variety of schools. (Actually, as I write this, I have to admit that the idea makes a lot of sense.)

But does it really matter? Apart from laboratory or performing-arts classes, is there any essential value of physical proximity when people are just talking? Couldn’t Socrates have done his thing by himself under the olive tree, with a good wi-fi connection (note to self for future blog post)?

Of the three teachers I talked to about this half-live, half-virtual Spring 2020 semester, two felt that there was a connection made with and between the students in the first days of class. That connection carried over into the later, virtual class and helped to keep the students engaged. They didn’t think it was likely that a fresh new class starting out on Zoom would have that kind of connection.

As for me, there’s no question about it. (I’m not a teacher, by the way, and I’m technically not even a student. I’m just an auditor—the weird old guy who goes to class not because he needs the credits but because he actually enjoys it.) Zoom is just not the same, and it never will be. There is an excitement, a shared enjoyment of being in a room and having a discussion with smart people, and a teacher who knows her or his stuff and is passionate about it. If it’s Zoom or nothing then I will probably Zoom. But something important will be lost.

And if the UT campus is converted into the world’s biggest Amazon distribution center, or a parking lot, then Austin might not be worth living in any more. Do you have any idea how hot it gets down here?