“Well, I don’t think science knows, actually.”—Donald Trump in response to concern about climate change at a press briefing with California state officials, on the causes of the record-breaking wildfires, September 14th, 2020.
3a: knowledge or a system of knowledge covering general truths or the operation of general laws especially as obtained and tested through scientific method. b: such knowledge or such a system of knowledge concerned with the physical world and its phenomena : NATURAL SCIENCE—Merriam-Webster online dictionary’s definition of “science.”
GARDEN OF EATON: We’re talking today with science. Glad to have you on our show!
SCIENCE: Thanks for having me, Garden!
GOE: So, do you know about global warming?
SCIENCE: Huh? You mean, like, the long-term heating of the earth’s atmosphere and oceans caused by the introduction of massive amounts of gases such as methane and carbon dioxide into the air?
GOE: Yeah, like that. Do you know if it’s real?
SCIENCE: Does a bear defecate in its natural habitat?
GOE: And it’s caused by human activity?
SCIENCE: [expletive], didn’t you guys see An Inconvenient Truth? What part of “truth” don’t you get?
GOE: But that was produced by a liberal…
SCIENCE: I’m science, I don’t know from liberal. All I know is that the more greenhouse gases you pump into the atmosphere, the hotter you’re gonna get. We’ve established the [expletive] out of the causal relationship. If you want polkadots and moonbeams and intelligent design, go talk to my cousin pseudoscience. That [multiple expletives] will tell you whatever you want to hear. Or turn on Fox News, same difference.
GOE: I didn’t mean to offend you, science.
SCIENCE: Hey, what do I care, I’m just science. It’s your planet. It’s just that I get a little ticked off sometimes cause we gave you a pretty nice little planet, with air and water and a [expletive] of cool minerals and we even threw in a moon so you’d have tides and something to write poetry about. And then we tilted its axis of rotation just a little with respect to its orbit around the sun, to create some seasonal interest. Oh, and it’s round by the way. In case anyone’s still not clear on that…
GOE: Right…
SCIENCE: And then y’all have to go and [expletive] it all up with coal-fired power plants and ginormous pig farms. And then when it all goes [expletive] up and the forests start burning you’re all like, “well science doesn’t know!” Were you, like, deaf all these years?
GOE: We don’t have a lot of time remaining…
SCIENCE: You got that right.
GOE: But I wanted to ask you: How long is this Coronavirus thing going to last?
SCIENCE: That’s up to you! How should I know?
GOE: But you’re science, you know everything, right?
SCIENCE: Thanks [chuckles], that’s very gracious of you, but no, there’s quite a lot of stuff I don’t know. I’m working on it. It doesn’t help when you cut my funding. If you really want my help you need to start forking over some serious Benjamins instead of passing tax cuts for the rich! Sorry, I get worked up talking about this…
GOE: Thanks again, science. We’ll be talking to you again soon…
SCIENCE: Hopefully…