THE TULSA RALLY: FAQs

What is the purpose of the rally? Um…you ask a really good question! We’re not…really sure?

Should we be concerned about getting sick from attending the rally? No!

What steps are being taken to keep the attendees safe? What are you, a sissy…or a loser?

Should I wear a mask at the rally to prevent the spread of the Covid-19 virus? To prevent the what of the what?

Wouldn’t it be better to hold the rally when the rates of infection in Oklahoma are going down instead of up? Yeah, maybe, I guess…no, I mean no!

Why do I have to sign a statement relieving Donald Trump Inc. of any responsibility for my death in case I die as a result of attending the rally? So that Donald Trump doesn’t have to spend a lot money to keep from paying your estate even more money when you get sick and die as a result of attending the rally. Hehe kidding, just sign the damn form.

Will there be a moment of silence and an opportunity to kneel in support of the Black Lives Matter movement? Another good question! No!

Are people of color welcomed at the rally? Yes, but we already have one!

On George Floyd, Black Lives Matter, and All Lives Matter

Of course all lives matter. That was never the question. The question is, if all lives matter, why are black lives treated with such disdain?

The fundamental oppression of black lives in this country won’t disappear until we all take it personally—until we see the murder of George Floyd not just as an awful tragedy that happened to them, but as an atrocity inflicted on us. That shouldn’t be so hard. Anyone who has seen the video of Floyd’s murder and doesn’t feel angry, who doesn’t take it personally, is missing something as a thinking, feeling human being.

The multitudes of young white people marching with the Black Lives Matter movement is a promising sign that the larger community of Americans is taking it personally.

But it’s just a first step. Demonstrating is important but in a way it’s the easy part. I wonder what will happen, what will change, when those young people become HR managers, loan officers, police officers, prosecutors, judges and politicians.

When they decide who to hire and who to fire, when they decide who gets a loan to buy a house or start a business and at what rate, when they decide whether to shoot someone or just let them run away, when they decide whether someone convicted of a non-violent crime gets probation or gets sent to the penitentiary, when they decide who gets to vote and how easy or difficult it is to do so, will they remember George Floyd and Black Lives Matter then? Or will the demonstrations just be something to brag about in middle age, like being at Woodstock was for their parents and grandparents?

I hope that they, and all of us, remember George Floyd, take his death personally, and act accordingly as we go about our daily lives.  That’s how things change.

Emergency Call

911? I

Need help!

A man just tried

To buy some cigarettes

With a fake twenty-dollar bill I think. He’s kind of big

And black.

No, he’s in his car but he might come back

At any moment. I think

That he’s been drinking

Or something. No he doesn’t have a gun but he

Was laughing pretty loud, you know? Did I mention

That he’s African

American, and pretty big? You might

Want to send more people. I’m so frightened

I can hardly breathe.

On the Pandemacademy

Our thoughts on virtual higher learning

Over the past month or so it’s begun to sink into my thick skull that life after Covid-19 (which may not after all arrive for many months yet) is not going to be like it was before, nor is it just going to be like-before-with-masks, or like-before-with-masks-and-without-hugs. I’m afraid it’s going to be fundamentally different, for a very long time and perhaps permanently.

I’m skeptical that brick-and-mortar businesses like bookstores and diners and shopping malls will ever be restored to anything like their pre-pandemic levels. Many of the few remaining Luddites who felt uncomfortable buying things that they couldn’t first see and touch will have gotten over that discomfort—and gotten used to the ease of ordered underwear and light bulbs from their living room couches. Many people will discover that what they cook in their kitchen is actually pretty damn good, and what they were eating in restaurants tastes even better in the safety of their homes.

A particular aspect of American life and culture that I’ve been wondering about is the university. What will become of the great state and private campuses, campuses that become small (or not so small) cities every year from September to May? What will become of the dining halls, the dormitories, the auditoriums? The gigantic high-rise libraries that students have already started to use mainly as wi-fi hotspots with comfy chairs? What will become of the university community—the clubs and cafes and apartment blocks peopled with students and staff and faculty? I grew up in university towns (Urbana, Illinois, and Denton, Texas), and what made those towns worth living in were all the smart, weird, provocative, eccentric, devoted people who arrived there from all over the country and all over the world.

Austin without UT-Austin would just be a big, congested Texas city with a lot of software engineers and mostly Republican state legislators. Now there’s a horrifying thought.

But more importantly, what will become of the classrooms, and of the activity that normally takes place within them?

There is noise around town is that the enormous University of Texas campus will open with live classes in the fall, and close before Thanksgiving, with any post-Thanksgiving classes and tests taking place virtually. I hope that can happen, and happen safely, but I think it’s an optimistic scenario, considering where the country and the state are at right now. Texas now stands at roughly 1,000 new cases and 25 deaths per day, according to the New York Times. The rate of new cases has started to fall in just the past few days, but then we don’t yet know the effects of the current “reopening.” And the idea of bringing massive numbers of young people from all over the world together here in September could be a recipe for disaster.

If the regents deem it safe enough and can solve (or explain away) difficult problems such as housing tens of thousands of students in a safe, healthy way, will the students come back? Will their parents who are footing the bill let them?

I think many students want to come back. I audited an undergraduate French language course that, like classes in general, was live up through Spring break, and then taught through Zoom for the remainder of the semester. UT, and my instructor, did an impressive job of switching to virtual teaching midway through the semester. The technology, and its application, worked pretty damn well. The material was the same, the homework was the same, the lectures and lesson plans were the same, even the “breakouts” where students are grouped in twos or threes within the class for a few minutes for discussion or exercises were the same. Or perhaps even better, since Zoom created the breakout groups automatically, obviating the somewhat awkward process of letting students form their own.  Yet when the teacher asked the students one day how they liked virtual learning as opposed to the old way, the response was mostly negative. The verb “suck” was used liberally. Also the attendance, which had been close to full before, dropped sharply after Zoom was instituted. Several factors contributed to the drop in attendance, but why wouldn’t class attendance be higher when all you have to do is roll out of (or just sit up in) bed to join in?  I think the reason is that live classes are for some reason just more fun.

But who knows what students will do, especially if UT offers virtual attendance as an alternative to anyone who wants it? Just think how much cheaper a degree from a first-class university would be if you didn’t have to leave home to acquire it.

My fear is that colleges and universities will die off and combine, and students will take advantage of virtual learning to create their own degree plans by picking and choosing the best (or cheapest or most convenient) classes and lecturers from a variety of schools. (Actually, as I write this, I have to admit that the idea makes a lot of sense.)

But does it really matter? Apart from laboratory or performing-arts classes, is there any essential value of physical proximity when people are just talking? Couldn’t Socrates have done his thing by himself under the olive tree, with a good wi-fi connection (note to self for future blog post)?

Of the three teachers I talked to about this half-live, half-virtual Spring 2020 semester, two felt that there was a connection made with and between the students in the first days of class. That connection carried over into the later, virtual class and helped to keep the students engaged. They didn’t think it was likely that a fresh new class starting out on Zoom would have that kind of connection.

As for me, there’s no question about it. (I’m not a teacher, by the way, and I’m technically not even a student. I’m just an auditor—the weird old guy who goes to class not because he needs the credits but because he actually enjoys it.) Zoom is just not the same, and it never will be. There is an excitement, a shared enjoyment of being in a room and having a discussion with smart people, and a teacher who knows her or his stuff and is passionate about it. If it’s Zoom or nothing then I will probably Zoom. But something important will be lost.

And if the UT campus is converted into the world’s biggest Amazon distribution center, or a parking lot, then Austin might not be worth living in any more. Do you have any idea how hot it gets down here?

In Which We Heal the Divide

We’ve become increasingly distressed at the sight of our neighbors turning against each other in this time of crisis.


On the one hand, some believe that it’s a good idea for everyone to wear masks, since that is a cheap and effective way to reduce the spread of microscopic airborne droplets containing the deadly virus.

On the other hand, some are demonstrating in front of state houses, brandishing assault rifles, claiming that the closing of tattoo parlors is a violation of their constitutional rights, and comparing their governors to Hitler.

To paraphrase our soldier-scientist-poet-prince president, we’re sure there are good people on both sides. We believe this situation is too grave to politicize. And to heal this divide that is tearing apart this great nation, we have a modest, non-partisan proposal that we believe will satisfy both sides.


We propose to designate two distinct areas of this country, and to give each person 30 days to decide which one to live in.


One area we’ll call, for the sake of argument, “Intellica”. Intellica might be a 200-mile-wide strip of territory along each coast, plus Austin, Texas. And Atlanta, since Intellicans actually like the CDC. We’ll give up Florida in exchange.


In Intellica, the lockdown will be in effect until the number of new cases per day approaches zero, with all of the unfortunate economic hardships that such a policy entails.


In the rest of the country, perhaps called “Covidia,” you can go bowling, get a massage, or go get plastered without the deep state interfering with your constitutional rights!! Vaccinations, which cause autism, will be prohibited. But unlimited quantities of sunshine, bleach, and hydrochloroquine will be made available, just in case the ‘scientists’ are right and it turns out that this corona thing is the real deal after all.

Fair enough? Can we shake hands on it?

Travel between Covidia and Intellica will be temporarily banned until the virus has been eliminated or has…died out, in both regions. So let’s get packing!

More Unsolicited Musings on the Current Unpleasantness

Oregano: the Universal Donor of the spice world.

If we had a president who combined the selflessness and courage of Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr.; the charisma of JFK and Michelle Obama; the quiet confidence of Abraham Lincoln and Barak Obama; the political know-how and arm-twisting ability of FDR and LBJ; the medical wisdom and determination of Florence Nightingale and Albert Schweitzer—if we had a president who combined all of these qualities, that person would still be facing a long, difficult and only partly successful effort to keep Americans healthy, hopeful, alive and fed.

And look who we got.

Speaking of our president, on April 3 last he said, “I think wearing a face mask as I greet presidents, prime ministers, dictators, kings, queens, I don’t know. Somehow, I don’t see it for myself.”

Actually, if he wants to hobnob face to maskless face with dictators, I’m surprisingly cool with it.

Maybe Boris “I shook hands with everybody, you will be pleased to know, and I continue to shake hands” Johnson will tell Donald Trump how much fun the ICU was. I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that one.

Reports of “Covid-19 parties,” in which people gather without protection, trying to become infected on purpose, reminds me of something a sociology professor said in a class I took many years ago. Human history records some cases, he informed us, of cultures that abstained from sex. Those cultures, he observed, aren’t around any more.

A more recent quote that stuck in my mind was that of an angry doctor in New York, saying that he would be a hero, but not a martyr. But the awful truth is that we already have too many unwilling martyrs. Dead doctors, nurses, slaughterhouse workers, policemen, and others. They are martyrs to our carelessness, complacency and cheapness. We owe it to them not to take foolish chances—and to expend the money and effort to be better prepared next time.

 Tonight I saw news footage of grown human beings ecstatically rushing into a just-reopened hair salon.  I confess I don’t quite get it. “It’s a tragedy, what happened to her,” I imagine the friends saying in about two weeks. “Yes, but her hair was fabulous!”

The proprietor’s viewpoint is easier to sympathize with. It’s one thing to tell a business owner, “You can reopen in a month.” Or, “You can reopen when the cases are steadily declining.” Or, “You can reopen when we can test everyone every week, which will happen on date X.” But how can you tell a business owner, “We don’t think it’s safe to reopen, and we don’t know when it will be, and we don’t know when we’ll be able to tell.”

Even if you are at home, and alone, and without any electronic devices or even books and magazines, Nature provides you with at least two safe and healthy ways to amuse yourself. And a nice nap is one of them.

At least I live in Texas. We spend the summer indoors anyway.

When it’s safe again, the first thing I want to do is see my brother and parents again. Then, Taiwan. Then, Italy.

Why are you yelling at the poor “associate”? Just put on the goddamned mask.

SWEET LAND OF RIBERTY

Artwork by Jonathan Eaton

Big meatpacking companies that have struggled to keep plants running during the coronavirus crisis said Wednesday that they welcomed President Donald Trump’s executive order requiring them to stay open, but unions, some employees and Democrats questioned whether workers could be kept safe. – NY Times, April 29 2020

THE OVAL OFFICE, DAILY CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE CONFERENCE

MIKE PENCE, VICE PRESIDENT AND HEAD OF THE WHITE HOUSE CORONA VIRUS TASK FORCE: We’re ready to present today’s report sir.

DONALD JOHN TRUMP, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Hold on, Mike, Hannity’s on…ok, it’s a commercial now. Go.

PENCE: PPEs. We still have a shortage of masks, gowns and gloves.

TRUMP: So what am I supposed to do about it?

PENCE: Hospitals are short on ventilators.

TRUMP: Have I ever told anyone they can’t buy a ventilator?

PENCE: A vaccine is still 12-18 months out.

TRUMP: Has anyone tried my sunshine and bleach suggestion?

PENCE: Red-state governors are revoking stay-at-home orders even though their infection rates are holding steady or still climbing.

TRUMP: Up to them.

PENCE: Pork plants are shutting down due to high infection rates at the work sites.

TRUMP: Uh…

PENCE: On the economic front, the money that Congress approved to help small businesses has been sucked dry by big companies…

TRUMP: Wait, what?

PENCE: Yes, and now the lamestream media is acting like it’s a terrible misuse of public…

TRUMP: No, before that…

PENCE: The meat processing plants, sir. They’re shutting down.

TRUMP [SOFTLY]: Good God…[AUTHORITATIVELY] Just how bad is it, Mike?

PENCE: About 5000 workers are infected that we know of, and 20 have…well, they won’t be canning Spam any more, sir.

TRUMP: Sure, but we still have enough workers left over to keep pumping out the bacon, right?

ANTHONY FAUCI: mfffmmfff

TRUMP: Take off the mask, Tony. It makes you look stupid anyway. You see anyone else around here with a mask?

FAUCI: We would probably be better off as a country if we all ate a little less pork. Obesity and heart disease are two major underlying conditions…

TRUMP: Let me ask you something, Tony. You went to medical school and all. What is a bacon cheeseburger without the bacon?

FAUCI: Uh…a cheeseburger?

TRUMP: Exactly. Just a cheeseburger. Mike, what would a McRib be without the McRib?

PENCE: Just sauce on a bun, sir. And maybe some pickles.

TRUMP: Just sauce on a bun. What kind of American eats sauce on a bun? Not the kind who votes for me.

FAUCI: If we reopen the factories now, we’re just going to have more sick and dying workers….

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY KAYLEIGH MCENANY: So you want to take jobs away from hardworking families in the heartland?

TRUMP: Oh, that’s good, Kayleigh!

FAUCI: Well if you think about it, it costs so much to treat someone for COVID that even if we pay the meat plants and workers NOT to operate, we’d save money overall…

TRUMP: That’s interesting Tony. You’re fired.

FAUCI: So can I put my mask back on now?

SOMETIMES THEY SKIP LUNCH

President Trump’s schedule is so packed amid the coronavirus crisis that he sometimes skips lunch, his aides told The Post — refuting a report that the commander-in-chief spends his days obsessing over TV coverage and eating fries. – New York Post, April 26 2020

BORODINO, RUSSIA, AUGUST 15 1812, GENERAL KUTUZOV’S TENT

PRIVATE: Your pelmeni, sir. You should eat them before they get cold.

KUTUZOV: Pel what?

PRIVATE: Pelmeni. Some of the boys found an old woman in the village who…

KUTUZOV: [wearily looking up from his maps] Where are you from, private?

PRIVATE: Smolensk, sir.

KUTUZOV: Nice town, Smolensk. I was stationed there, many years ago. Pretty girls! Of course, the Frogs have it now. But we’ll get it back soon, I promise.

PRIVATE: Yes, sir.

KUTUZOV: Now look, private. I got the whole goddamned Grande Armée coming at me tomorrow morning. So here’s what you can do for me.  Are you listening carefully?

PRIVATE: Yes, General!

KUTUZOV: You can bring me a bottle of good Russian vodka and a kilo of strong Georgian tobacco.

PRIVATE: Yes, General!

KUTUZOV: Then you can stick those fucking pelmeni up your skinny Smolensk ass and get the hell out of my tent!

LONDON DURING THE BLITZ. WINSTON CHURCHILL’S UNDERGROUND BUNKER

MANSERVANT: Your kippers, sir!

CHURCHILL: [wearily, looking up from his maps] Kippers! What’s your name, man?

MANSERVANT: Thadwicke, sir.

CHURCHILL: Now look here, Thadwicke. Somewhere in London there is a decent English housewife whose husband is off fighting in North Africa. She hasn’t seen her children since they were shipped off to live with relatives in the countryside. Last night she lost all of her material possessions when the Hun flattened her building during the air raid, so now she’s staying with a kindly neighbor. Follow me, Thadwicke?

MANSERVANT: I think so, sir.

CHURCHILL: Find that woman, Thadwicke. Find that woman, and give her my kippers.

MANSERVANT: Yes sir.

CHURCHILL: And then if you could rustle me up a nice saddle of lamb and bottle or two of decent port, I do feel a bit peckish.

WASHINGTON, D.C. APRIL 2020, AT THE HEIGHT OF THE COVID-19 GLOBAL EPIDEMIC. THE OVAL OFFICE.

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE: I got your Chick-Fil-A, sir.

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DONALD JOHN TRUMP: Christ, Pence, can’t you wait until I’m done watching my interview with Hannity?

PENCE: Sorry, sir.

TRUMP: Just stick it over there or whatever. You didn’t breathe on it or anything, did you?

Random Thoughts on the Current Unpleasantness

My first thought is resentment at Mother Nature for pulling this on my parents. They made it through the Great Depression, the war, the Cold War, 9/11, the Great Recession, and 3+ ugly Trump years, not to mention various personal trials and tribulations. My mother put her academic career on hold to raise two kids. And at this point in their lives they have to deal with this?

Made-from-scratch mac & cheese is great! Until it’s not.

Thank God(dess) they decided a few years ago that butter and eggs, in moderation, were okay again. Cause I don’t think I could make it through this on egg whites and Country Spread.

I know you’re mad as hell at the President. So am I. It gives us emotional relief to complain to each other about his latest idiocies. But ridiculing Commander Bonespur (and there I go again) is sort of beside the point. It changes nothing, including minds. Like the virus, he is for now a fact of life. We need to help each other through this thing now. And then remember in November.

A natural disaster on a national scale should be a president’s political windfall. It gives him the chance to step up and look magisterial, decisive and compassionate, for managing a horrible problem that he had nothing to do with causing. This is Trump’s 9/11, his Katrina, his Great Recession. It could have sealed his re-election. But this president is just completely out of his depth, and evidently devoid of empathy.

I have been having some sinful thoughts though, lately. Like wondering how many rifle-totin’ MAGA-cap-wearin’ facemask-not-wearin’ Limbaugh-listenin’ morons will get sick after showing up for a ‘Liberate America’ rally.

If it’s my time, it’s my time. But please at least let me see Biden get sworn in!

As a rule I’m too lazy and complacent to wave a sign. But if Trump tries to delay the election, I will join you on the streets.

I understand wanting to reopen your nail salon so that you can feed your family. I don’t understand wanting to visit a nail salon right now. Or a bowling alley or a tattoo parlor. Are you crazy?

Thank goodness for ebooks.And T.V.

I don’t miss basketball or baseball. Won’t miss football. Even less so now after watching the Aaron Hernandez documentary on Netflix. How many thousands or millions of brain concussions in total will our kids be spared because of this year’s missed spring training?

This crisis has fallen very lightly (so far) on me personally. I cannot thank healthcare workers and food industry workers enough. I feel like I’m exploiting the poor folks who work at the grocery store or the drive-thru.

I’m not religious but that doesn’t stop me from hoping that Alex Jones will fry in hell.

I’ve been watching the original Twilight Zone series lately. Several episodes construct allegories out of Cold War anxieties that seem perfectly apt today. The fear of reason. Communities that disintegrate as individuals look for any way out or try to protect themselves at all costs. The most important thing now is to love one’s neighbor. Even Alex Jones, damn his evil soul.

It’s heartening to see how Mother Nature (the nice part, like wild animals and blue skies, not the virus part) responds when we give her a break. Maybe we should figure out how to keep it up.

11 Things We Never Heard Before The Pandemic

I’m okay, but the rubber bands hurt my ears.

Mess with me and I’ll shake your hand.

Stop breathing or move 6 feet away. Your choice.

Hi, this is Rick, the guy who lives down the hall? Yeah, I was just kinda wondering, if you’re not too busy tonight, wouldja like to watch me eat dinner on Zoom?

Sorry mom, I can’t visit you until Coral Gables flattens the curve.

Stay where you are. We’ll put the cheeseburger in your trunk.

I just need to stop by the store for some wipes, ten pounds of dried pinto beans and two cases of Pinot Grigio.  

Thank goodness the liquor store delivers.

If I could interrupt just a sec, let me get out my measuring tape. Cause that doesn’t look like six feet to me…

But on the bright side, have you seen the gas prices lately?

I’m just waiting for my stimulus.

On Science, Religion, and the Corona Virus

Cards on the table, this grim Easter weekend: we’re atheists here in the Garden. We contend (we almost wrote ‘believe’) that all religions, regardless of any elaborate theology, or ethical code, however well-reasoned or admirable, are ultimately based on a myth. To be a person of faith, you have to have…faith in that myth, a faith which is inherently immune to any scientific analysis.

Now science is not an alternative to religion; it’s something else entirely. It’s simply a tool—a critical tool, the only tool we have—for understanding causation in the natural world, and for predicting its future behavior. And pursuing scientific analysis of the Covid virus, and changing our behavior accordingly, is the only way we have of limiting its deadly effects.

That is why it is galling for us to read about evangelical “pastors” like Rodney Howard-Browne calling their flock to worship today in person, and their red-state political allies, like Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who claim in-church worship is an “essential service.” Both of these parties are motivated by fear. The red-state governors are afraid of losing the religious-reactionary vote. The preachers are afraid for their pocketbooks. If you’ve built a career by claiming to have a direct landline to God, and the ability use His awesome powers for healing earthly ailments, and then admit that you can’t protect your donors from catching a little old virus, then what good are you?

Now, I am evidently no theologian, but I am not aware that one’s physical proximity to other worshipers, or to some real-world Elmer Gantry, is a precondition for worship, or prayer, or faith, or good works. But don’t take it from me. Take it from the Vatican, which is live-streaming its Easter services. And these guys have been closely analyzing and making pronouncements on the dos and don’ts of salvation for over 2000 years.

And although I am not a believer, I would advise politicians and preachers who will let us die for the sake of votes and money to dress for warm weather in the afterlife. One can never be sure.

Stay safe, y’all.

A Corona-Virus Glossary

abandanned–how one feels when one’s government urges you to wear surgical masks in order to stay alive, and helpfully suggests that you can make your own out of old bandannas

allergy—the reason I’m coughing and sneezing, I swear to God

auld-lang-ziety—the fear that things will never go back to the way they used to be

bipartisan—describes a problem so terrifying that even politicians try to do something about it

essential service—if my neighborhood is typical, lawn care by underpaid Hispanic day laborers who can’t afford to stay home

heroes—doctors, nurses, EMTs, and the lady who delivers power bowls to your front door

hunker games—games and activities that seemed stupid and boring until late March 2020

Italy—the United States, two or three weeks from now

Kushnertise—the level of medical expertise one expects from one’s son in law. Not the one who went to Harvard Med, but the plumber.

price gouging–commercial activity engaged in by future residents of the warmest locations in hell

Spring Break—a not such a hot idea

strategic resources—PPE’s and pappardelle

“that woman”—the democratically elected governor of a state of about 10 million people who is doing everything she can to keep them alive and well

ventilator—something that vents, but since we don’t have them you’ll have to wait til later

White House depress conference—”daily conference” we find rather depressing