Librarians of Texas: Ban These Books

Dangerous Literature

Last year saw more requests to ban books in public schools and libraries in the U.S. than any other year….Texas led the nation with 93 attempts to restrict access to 2,349 book titles…. The most challenged book in Texas last year was Toni Morrison’s Nobel Prize-winning novel “The Bluest Eye.” Texas Standard, “Texas had the most book challenges of any state last year, according to the American Library Association,” 9/8/2023

Dear librarians of Texas,

I need to warn you about two dangerous books that must be kept out of our public libraries. For the moment, our readers are safe: no library in the state carries either one. Whew! Let’s keep it that way! Just like Fentanyl, these books deliver an addictive, highly pleasurable substance (suspenseful, witty narrative fiction) with an affordable street price ($20.00 for the paperback, $9.99 for the Kindle edition). If these titles are allowed to hit the street, they could spread across the state like a painful heat rash!

The first book, The Priest’s Hat, was written by a foreigner, the Italian novelist Emilio De Marchi. He has absolutely no interest in upholding the traditional family values of today’s Texas, since he’s been dead for over a hundred years.  

What makes this book so dangerous? Right there on page 31 of the paperback edition a guy gets killed! Dead! With a crowbar! For money! And the reader has to read all the way to the end of the book to see if the killer gets caught! Is that the kind of world you want your readers to imaginatively inhabit?

You want to know the sad part? This made-up literary menace would never have threatened decent American readers if the novel hadn’t been translated by me and my co-translator and published last month by Italica Press (Bristol and New York). But it was never supposed to harm the Texas reading public. It was only meant to be used for myself and my coven (or “book club”) for midnight readings and discussions of the verismo movement in Western literature.

The other book, my translation of Gaetano Savatteri’s fictionalized examination of a Mafia assassination in post-war Sicily, A Conspiracy of Talkers (Italica, 2021), is even worse. Someone gets killed in the very first sentence! And two people are described as having sex even though they are definitely not married (pp. 96-99. Or if you have the Kindle version, just search on “nipple.”)! The only American character in the novel is into Dante, and we know all about that guy. He wrote two whole books about hell!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t acquire these books. How is the public supposed to stay safe if they don’t know about the danger? Order your copies today (we suggest the handsome hardcover edition) and display them prominently (but behind the counter!) on your Dangerous Forbidden Literature shelf, so we know what not to order on Amazon. Along with, you know, Nobel-prize winning novels like Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye.

More Sure-Fire Clickbait

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What the experts say you should always put on macaroni. (Hint: it’s not cheese!)

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That hairless chihuahua you’re petting may not be what you think it is!

The one weird thing that James Mason and James Madison have in common…

A Danish prince started digging into his father’s death. What he discovered next will shock you!

The way you walk is probably killing you…

The one thing preventing you from being happy (Hint: it’s not what you think!)

Why extraterrestrials visited Arkansas…and decided to leave!

You can make tons of easy money at home, as long as you don’t mind…

The one food that will cure your condition (Hint: it’s not artichokes!)

If you have a valid credit card handy you need to read this now!

The Best of All Possible Worlds

The multiverse is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes that comprise all of reality —Wikipedia

Editor’s note: Based on our extensive research into quantum physics, we learned that an infinity of realities exist, one for every possible outcome of every event in the universe. We recently sent our science correspondent on a mission to find the best possible universe in existence and to report back on what she found. Here are highlights from her report:

A college basketball star goes on to devote his life to medical research and soon invents a drug that tastes like salted caramel and cures all forms of cancer. After he donates the patent to the World Health Organization, the Nike corporation rewards him with a billion-dollar endorsement for a shoe called “Dr. Jordans.”

A wealthy real-estate developer’s plan to run for president of the United States is derailed when he is jailed for a fraudulent “educational” scheme called “Trump University.” In response to his plea for a pardon, President Christie states, “Umm…nah.”

NATO forces, led by the United States, easily drive Russian forces from Ukraine a few days after Vladimir Putin’s ill-advised invasion. “Russia’s got a big army,” states the American secretary of defense, “but their equipment is obsolete and their training is a joke. Thank goodness they never figured out how to make the bomb!”

17 years after the documentary An Inconvenient Truth convinced American politicians of all political stripes that global warming represented a planetary existential crisis that required immediate action, the planet cools back down to its pre-industrial age baseline. To tell you the truth, it’s a little chilly in the morning.

The summer blockbuster movie 12 Years a Slave is a box office bust. The alternative-history dystopian epic, set in a fictional 19th century America in which the enslavement of Black people is tolerated, was seen as too unrealistic. “We’re supposed to believe that you could treat somebody so horrible just because of their skin color?” asked one disappointed movie-goer. “Yeah, right! And maybe we should pay some people less just because they’re women!”

Millions of lives are saved when a vaccine for malaria is invented. Yeah, I know we got that one too, but still, awesome, right?

Garden of Eaton’s author wins the first Nobel Prize for literature by a blogger. “This is pretty cool,” he states in his acceptance speech. “The human condition, blah-di-blah. Is the bar open yet?”

The Wall Street Journal analyzes the cause of the complete failure of AI technology to gain adoption. “It’s kind of a cool gimmick? I guess?” says Megan, 14. “But, like, it’s not that hard to just write some words yourself.”

The CDC announces it will soon put its stamp of approval on the beer and bratwurst diet, which has been shown to reduce obesity and promote heart health. A press release states, “We’re just waiting until we better understand the role of French fries in reducing bad cholesterol.”

The Beatles’ Reunion wins this year’s Grammy for best album. Says Yoko Ono, producer, “It’s great to see all four of the guys together again, making music.”

Coming Soon…Tiny-Hands Luke

VOICEOVER: In a world where everything is a lie…

SCENE: Court room

JUDGE: Does the defendant have anything to say before sentencing?

VOICEOVER: …only one man knows the truth…

TRUMP: I’m not sorry, your honor…because I didn’t do anything wrong!

VOICEOVER: They sent him to a place some call Georgia…and some call…hell on earth!

SCENE: Dirt road in rural South. White bus passes under archway with sign: Georgia State Correctional Farm. CUT to front stoop of prison HQ.

WARDEN [Looking at file] Now it says here that you was elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Yessir.

WARDEN: And then you lost the re-election, denied the results, got yourself impeached for the third time, and got arrested for trying to overthrow the democratic process!

TRUMP: No, I’m sorry, I have to stop you there, that’s completely wrong, I actually won the election, and it’s the leftwing mainstream media and their buddies in the illegal weaponized justice department who conspired to rig the results because they can’t stand…

WARDEN: [turning to PRISON GUARD] Jesus Christ in a jumpsuit, does this guy ever shut up?

PRISON GUARD: No boss, he’s been going on like that ever since we picked him up. We think he might be …a few votes shy of a simple majority, if you know what I mean…

VOICEOVER: To the system, he wasn’t a man…he was inmate P01135809!

SCENE: A row of inmates stands knee deep in a swamp, overseen by a GUARD on horseback.

GUARD: Now someone done told me…that y’all been itchin’ to drain the swamp! [Tosses a shovel in front of prisoner TRUMP] Well, go ahead then…drain it!

[CUT TO later. Exhausted prisoners are now standing on dry ground.]

TRUMP: We drained the swamp, boss, just like you said!

GUARD: Fine, that’s just fine. Just heard from the warden, boys…he wants you to fill it up again!

VOICEOVER: One man…and his loyal friend…

SCENE: Prison cafeteria. INMATE sits at steel table across from TRUMP. Next to Trump sits a SAD LITTLE MAN

GIULIANI: Hey, could I have a couple of those French fries?

TRUMP: No. [TO INMATE] So what are you in for?

INMATE: Multiple homicides. You?

TRUMP: Attempting to subvert an election.

INMATE: You stay away from me. Who’s your friend?

TRUMP: He’s not my friend.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I used to be mayor of New York!

TRUMP: Shut up. [to INMATE] It’s all a witch hunt, anyway. I didn’t do anything wrong but they got me on that stupid RICO law.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I invented RICO!

TRUMP and INMATE: Shut up!

INMATE: So how long are you in for?

SIDNEY POWELL: Not long. We got a plan to get him out of here.

TRUMP: Dammit, Sidney, stop doing that, you’ll give me a heart attack! How’d you get in here anyway? This is a guys’ prison!

POWELL: I just showed up uninvited. Like your staff meetings!

TRUMP: You know, the guys in here really aren’t so bad. When you’re famous they’ll let you do anything. You can kiss ‘em, you can grab ‘em by the…

VOICEOVER: Imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, the world forgot him…until one day…

SCENE: [THOMAS mansion, the morning room]

CLARENCE: Honey, would please pass the albino sturgeon caviar…

GINNI: Yes dear, as soon as you stop hogging the Château Lafite Rothschild ’64.

CLARENCE: No reason to get snippy, my little Tea-Party titmouse, there’s more in the cellar…[frowns at the newspaper in his hands] I say, my love, have you seen this? It appears that our persecuted heroic friend has suffered a cruel criminal conviction which I’m sure can be overturned using some obscure legal technicality!

GINNI: Like, he sincerely believed the election was rigged!

CLARENCE: That’s pretty lame…

GINNI: Well I sincerely thought the election was rigged… are you calling me lame, dearest?

CLARENCE: In accordance with my rights as a citizen, as set forth in the 5th amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America…

VOICEOVER: Only a miracle could save him…

SCENE: [Warden’s office] Well, number P01135809, looks like your lucky day has arrived. I got a telegram here from up in Washington, DC. Guess we gotta let you go. You done been re-elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Great. You’re fired, by the way.

WARDEN: Hurry up and get your things, there’ll be one a them stretch limos at the gate, with Melania and that Ye feller and who knows who inside, and Tucker Carlson getting’ a big ole stiffie just waitin’ for the exclusive interview, and…hey, where you think you goin’?

TRUMP: I gotta get out of here, the people are waiting for me!

WARDEN: No they ain’t! Joe Biden beat you worse than the Georgia Bulldogs are gonna beat the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks in this year’s season opener! Which in case you don’t follow college football, means real bad! I just wanted to see the expression on your face! Guard, take this ole pile of perpetrations back to the hole!

On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”: an Update

Some of our longtime faithful readers may vaguely remember a post in these from pages way back in October 2021, entitled On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”. In that post we laid out the case for claiming that the story told in the beloved Disney animated film Lady and the Tramp (1955) was stolen from the Pirandello short story “Pallino e Mimì.” I invited fans of the movie to make up their own minds by reading the story, but at the time, there was no way for English readers to do so: the story only existed in the original Italian.

Until now! The Stories for a Year project, which aims to post English translations of each and every one of Pirandello’s 250+ stories from various translators, has posted “Pellet and Mimì,” the co-translation of “Pallino e Mimì” by me and my friend Vanessa Fanelli (now Dr. Fanelli, Ph.D. of UT-Austin). Follow the link to read this delightful (if ultimately rather grim) story and let us know…do you think Disney ripped it off?

My thanks for Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka for editing, hosting, and posting this story, and for their effort to make it and the rest of Pirandello’s wonderful short stories freely available to English-language readers.

On Emilio De Marchi’s The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete, 1887)

Editor’s note: Italica Press has just published our new translation of Emilio De Marchi’s crime thriller The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete), which we shamelessly promote in this post. The following is an excerpt from our introduction to the novel. If you’re looking for a ripping yarn, we invite you to enjoy this novel in paperback or e-reader. (Currently only the paperback and hardcover versions are available; we expect the Kindle edition to appear shortly.) The following is an excerpt of our introduction to the novel. The novel’s first chapter is freely available on its Amazon page.

The 1887 edition of the British magazine Beeton’s Christmas Annual featured a complete novel by a hitherto unknown writer named Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet. The novel introduced the world to an eccentric “consulting detective” named Sherlock Holmes, as described by his friend, Dr. John Watson.

Earlier that same year, mysterious posters had appeared on the streets of Milan showing only an enormous black priest’s hat. At about the same time, a drawing of a black tricorn hat started showing up in the pages of the Milan daily Italia, first without explanation and later with the caption, Il cappello del prete (The Priest’s Hat). This turned out to be the title of a novel by the 36-year-old Milanese writer Emilio De Marchi. It would appear in that paper in June and July of that year, in 43 installments.[1] The following year it appeared in the Naples daily Corriere di Napoli and in book form. 

Conan Doyle’s detective became enormously popular and has remained so among readers and cinema-goers all over the planet. De Marchi’s work, though a popular success in Italy, never really broke through to the English-speaking world — although a translation was published in the U.K. in 1935.[2] Even in Italy today it is relatively unknown.

That is a shame, because The Priest’s Hat is endearing, suspenseful, moving, and wickedly funny. Loosely based on Count Alessandro Faella’s murder of the priest Virgilio Costa in Imola in 1881, The Priest’s Hat portrays the aging Neapolitan playboy Carlo Coriolano, the last baron of the once wealthy and powerful Santafusca clan. After squandering his inheritance, he is unable to support his taste for wine, women, cigars, and gambling. He is banned from his club and dependent on his loyal, long-suffering housekeeper for pocket change. And if he doesn’t soon repay a loan that he “borrowed” from an orphanage he administers, he’ll go to jail. But the baron of Santafusca hits upon a scheme that he thinks will neatly solve all of his problems: he will lure a greedy old priest, Don Cirillo, to his crumbling, mortgaged ancestral estate outside of Naples. The priest, who plans to buy the estate on the cheap from the desperate baron and then sell it at a huge personal profit to the archbishop of Naples, will be carrying a thick bundle of cash. The baron can kill him and dispose of the body on the grounds of his secluded villa. With the cash stolen from the priest, he can pay back his debt, stay out of jail, get his villa out of hock, and resume his life of elegant dissipation.

It’s no spoiler to say that he carries out his plan since, as in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment (1866), the murder takes place near the start of the story, and we know who done it. The suspense comes in Santafusca’s struggle to overcome his own fits of panic and dimly realized pangs of guilt and keep his sordid deed a secret.

Dostoevsky’s Raskolnikov kills to prove to himself that he is above the common man in intelligence and courage. The baron of Santafusca, however, has no doubt of his superiority. It entitles him to kill to save himself from penury and public humiliation. He shares his name, Coriolano — or Coriolanus in English — with an ancient Roman aristocratic general, famously portrayed by Shakespeare, who held the plebeian classes in contempt. But the baron’s minor mistakes and oversights threaten to undo his perfect crime — as does a certain sinister-looking hat that keeps popping up in the most inconvenient places.

De Marchi proposed The Priest’s Hat as something like a bet among the Milanese intelligentsia. Italian newspapers of the time printed highly popular novels in serial form as supplements. These were usually translations of crowd-pleasing English or French novels and were considered lowbrow trash by Italy’s intellectuals.

In his brief forward to the novel’s publication in book form in 1888, De Marchi writes that “This is not at all an experimental novel, but an experiment with a novel, and should be taken as such.” He gives two reasons for writing it: firstly, to show that one needn’t go to France for a decent serialized novel “of moral benefit and common sense,” and that instead “we” (Italians) could “look to ourselves” for such a work; secondly, to show that the taste of the Italian reading public was being underestimated and underserved by the large Italian dailies and was deserving of a work of “vitality and honesty and reason.” He concludes his remarks by stating, “L’arte è cosa divina; ma non è male di tanto in tanto scrivere anche per i lettori.” — Art is a thing divine; but it doesn’t hurt, once in a while, to write something for the readers, too.

Thus he wrote this story for you, and my collaborator Cinzia Russi and I hope you enjoy it as much as we have.


[1] For the facts related to the writing and initial publication of The Priest’s Hat, I rely heavily on Renzo Cremante’s excellent introduction to the BUR classici moderni edition of Il cappello del prete (Milan: RCS Libri S.p.A., 2015).

[2] Emilio De Marchi,  The Priest’s Hat, translation by F.A.Y. Brown (London: Heath Cranton Ltd., 1935).

Georgia Chain Gang Song (Twelve Thousand Votes)

Lyrics copyright © Steve Eaton 2023

(Editor’s note: once more we receive a dispatch from our Near Future desk correspondent. Searching the backwaters of the Deep South for authentic American folk songs, our reporter encountered, one hot July morning in 2024, a work gang from the Georgia state prison farm driving railroad spikes. Leading the crew in song was a large convict in a prison jump suit and long red tie. Our correspondent recorded his song.)

Well back in 2020 (hah!)

Just past election day (huh!)

In the southern state of Georgia (hah!)

Votin’ didn’t go my way (huh!)

I said to my boy Meadows (hah!)

Please put me on the line (huh!)

Cause I got to talk to Georgia (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

So I said to Raffensperger (hah!)

Here’s what I need from you! (huh!)

Search evr’y nook and cranny (hah!)

Do what you gotta do! (huh!)

You can find ‘em in the trash can (hah!)

You can pull ‘em out your ass (huh!)

Get me 12 thousand votes, boy (hah!)

And you better do it fast! (huh!)

Raffensperger done told me (hah!)

Man you must a lost your mind! (huh!)

It ain’t no easy job man (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

12 thousand votes are needed (hah!)

Ain’t got a single one! (huh!)

Cause the people down in Georgia (hah!)

Prefer the other one! (huh!)

Now three years later (hah!)

You know it makes me sad (huh!)

But a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

She went and made me mad! (huh!)

Way down in Fulton County (hah!)

Down Atlanta way (huh!)

Name of Fani Willis (hah!)

Said I have to pay! (huh!)

So if you’re ever down in Georgia (hah!)

Better take my advice (huh!)

Don’t go fixin’ no election (hah!)

Better treat your country nice! (huh!)

Cause a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

Fani Willis is her name (huh!)

Gonna put you on the chain gang (hah!)

Forever and a day! (huh!)

7 Supreme Court Decisions We’ll Never See but Wish We Would

In a 9-0 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down the 2023 Oscar award for Best Picture. “Everything Everywhere All at Once was modestly entertaining, we admit that,” the unsigned opinion holds. “But better than Tár and Women Talking? Now that’s an injustice!”

In a unanimous decision, the court upheld prison terms for people who pronounce “important” as “impor-unt.” The unanimous decision held that “linguistic tics are not protected by the First Amendment if this court finds them really irritating.”

In a unanimous decision, the court held that Donald Trump “really and truly lost the 2020 election.” “True, no one asked us,” Chief Justice Roberts wrote for the majority, “but I mean really, come on now!”

In a 7-2 decision, the court held that “Supreme Court justices must not accept really expensive stuff from rich guys.” In a sharply worded dissenting opinion, justice Alito asked, “What are you picking on me for?” In a separate opinion, justice Thomas indicated that Ginni’s annual fruitcakes for his colleagues, actually prepared by La Boulangerie François de Paris, « might not be forthcoming this holiday season », suggesting « let them eat cake from Costco.»

In a unanimous decision, SCOTUS prohibits self-checkout stations nationwide as “cruel and unusual punishment.” “How in the hell can a consumer be reasonably expected to remember the QR code for bok choy? Oh yeah, and then I have to wait for a ‘manager’ to ‘verify’ that I’m ‘old enough’ to buy a bottle of merlot,” states a visibly agitated justice Kagan, making liberal use of air quotes as she dictates the majority decision.

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court designates January 15, National Bagel Day, as a federal holiday. “The court recognizes that the right to introduce new federal holidays is normally reserved to the executive branch,” wrote justice Amy Coney Barrett for the majority. “But we checked and we balanced, baby, and we decided that what this country really needs is lox, capers, and a shmear on poppyseed!”

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court names Merrick Garland as its 10th justice. In writing for the majority, justice Neil Gorsuch states, “you don’t need a PhD in philosophy from Oxford University and a Harvard law degree, like I have, to know that what Mitch Mcconnell did to slow-walk Merrick is just gol-dang wrong!”

July Jejunery

How hot is it here in Texas? A couple of weeks ago I took a large hunk of old shriveled-up clumped-together ice cubes out of my freezer and dumped it over the railing of my little apartment patio. A few minutes later I heard a sound like rocks being ground up. A white-tail deer was chomping on its giant popsicle.

I remember watching the news on TV one evening in the early 70’s. I would have been 10 or 12. Back then the big 3 networks allowed an anchor or correspondent a few minutes at the end of the broadcast for a short op-ed piece, maybe once a week. On this particular night, David Brinkley—ABC’s answer to CBS’s authoritative father-figure Walter Cronkite—was describing something some scientists had just discovered called “global warming.” He concluded his piece with a big smile, declaring (as best I remember), “’Global warming’…you can’t see it, smell it, or taste it, and we have a long time to figure out what to do about it. Now that’s the kind of problem I like!” And I had a funny feeling that this problem was serious and that nothing serious would ever be done about it…because responsible grownups like David Brinkley were treating it like a joke. And here we are.

With the wisdom of hindsight, I can see now how wrong it was for Hillary Clinton to disparage Donald Trump’s supporters as “a basket of deplorables.” After all, mean-spirited insecure gun-worshiping racist xenophobic anti-democratic anti-intellectual misogynistic bible-thumping flag-waving Trump-adoring conspiracy-subscribing morons have feelings too.

There was much press over the past week over whether one should go see Barbie or Oppenheimer or both. The former is a feel-good fantasy based on a plastic doll marketed to little girls. The latter is about the man who brought nuclear weapons into the world.

You’ll find me curled up in a dark closet, eating cheese curls and watching A Fistful of Dollars again on my phone.

The doll won, by the way. Maybe that’s a good thing.

On Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito

As you probably know, the honorable Supreme Court Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. was recently caught out for having taken a free ride to an Alaska fishing vacation on a private jet owned by a billionaire who later had business before the court, a case in which Alito joined the majority in deciding for the rich man. The trip would have cost something like $100k one-way if he’d had to pay for it himself. Knowing that this sordid bit of graft was about to become public, Alito tried to pre-empt public outrage by wangling op-ed space in some financial rag called the Wall Street Journal, speaking up in his own defense.

Now, the honorable Alito is a product of Princeton, from which he graduated summa cum laude, and Yale law school, where he was an editor of the law review. Following a judicial career in the lower courts, he has served on our nation’s highest court for more than 17 years. So I expected his apologia to be the epitome of rhetorical and logical excellence, of the highest judicial reasoning, the apotheosis of eloquence and persuasion.

What we got, in part, was this: he declared that his honorable bottom had flown in “a seat that, as far as I am aware, would have otherwise been vacant.” A variation of the “if I hadn’t done it/took it, someone else woulda” argument.

Now, when I was a child in dusty Denton, Texas in the 1960’s, I once snuck into a movie theater via the fire exit and saw a movie for free. That was wrong. Luckily for me, I didn’t get caught, but if I had, I hope I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to declare, “well, it doesn’t count, because the seat was empty anyway.” And if I had, I don’t think it would have worked. But then, I’m not an Ivy-League-trained jurist.

And note the coy, “as far as I am aware.” Heavens, only a real hater, or an annoying ethical fusspot, would suspect Judge Sam of bumping the billionaire’s poor mother-in-law from her aisle seat.

I’d like to know more about the nature of the flight. Was it fully booked (if that’s the right term to use for a private jet), or was the good judge wandering up and down an empty aisle? Or chilling out in the entertainment lounge? Or was he using his time productively, making notes on how to further destroy the interests of minorities and women, promote degradation of the environment in the interest of corporate profits, and weaken voting rights? Were there cocktails? Or was it BYOB?

Maybe I have Justice Alito all wrong. Maybe the man is so environmentally conscientious that he couldn’t bear the thought of wasting jet fuel on an empty seat. It actually never occurred to me before that I’m guilty of idly sitting at home while private jets all over the world go blithely on their under-capacity way.

 Now we know that Alito didn’t get his place on this plane because its owner, Paul Singer, expected a favorable decision in return. That (a $2.4 billion award in a civil case decided 6 years later in a Supreme Court decision that included Alito’s vote) was just a coincidence! He got his place just because it was…there.

I had no idea it was so easy! So I would like to ask Mr. Singer to please keep me in mind whenever one of his jets is going someplace nice and has an open spot. I too hate to see wasteful half-full luxury private jet trips when I could do my part to make them fuller luxury private jet trips! And also my wife. And my mom. We all want to pitch in. Just parenthetically, we like Paris. And also Bali. Santorini is nice. But whatever, we’re flexible.

Another leg of Alito’s self-defense: he didn’t recuse himself from the Singer decision, since knowing about the free trip “would not cause a reasonable and unbiased person to doubt my ability to decide the matters in question impartially.”

I would dare to call this a “novel argument,” as they say in the legal racket. The person who is suspected of wrongdoing gets to decide whether those suspicions are “reasonable and unbiased.”

And now I know, because I certainly do doubt Judge Alito’s ethics: I am evidently a biased, unreasonable person.

Consume After Watching

Flamin’ Hot is a film based on the life of Richard Montañez, a man who claims to have invented the Flamin’ Hot Cheeto.—“Flamin’ Hot” Is So Bad It Burns, The New York Times, 6/26/23

Air is a 2023 American biographical sports drama film directed by Ben Affleck and written by Alex Convery. The film is based on true events about the origin of Air Jordan, a basketball shoeline[…]–Wikipedia

Editor’s Note: After seeing a slate of recent big-budget films based on the story of consumer product marketing campaigns, we decided we needed to get into the action.

The Claude-Etienne Minié Story

Tagline: When the world needed a hole in the head, one man gave it his balls

The Hostess Twinkie Story

Tagline: When the Freshness is Gone, Nothing Can Bring It Back. That’s Why We Add Potassium Sorbate.

Dunlop Shuffle: the Untold Story of Those Tennis Balls Cut Open and Stuck on the Feet of Aluminum Walkers

Tagline: Because I have to come up with an idea for a docko by Tuesday or I don’t get paid

Ilene’s Taco

Tagline: True Story of the Woman Who Invented the Taco, Though it Might Have Been Someone Else, Or Probably A Bunch Of People

Patio Furniture: The Untold Story

Tagline: Because You’ll Watch Anything. Starring Matt Damon as the first all-weather seat cushion.

Sargento: The Cheese That’s Pretty OK

Tagline: At Least It’s Not Too Expensive

Notes from the Throne Room

The real scandal no one’s talking about: the gauche squalor of Donald Trump’s bathroom in Mar-A-Lago. The garish faux-Louis XIV gilded mirror frame. The tiny space dominated by an oversized crystal chandelier. The fake-fancy decor combined with a gray vinyl shower curtain and spring-loaded curtain rod with one end stuck awkwardly on top of an apparently clear and blindless window. And the mountain of cardboard boxes filled with our nation’s diplomatic and military secrets don’t help the décor. How could we let someone with such terrible taste govern our country?

The growing crowd of announced Republican presidential candidates seems to have confused the primary process with one of Donald Trump’s reality shows. Call it Not-Quite-Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, they’ll all be fired. Or maybe a better comparison would be to one of his Miss USA pageants. I can imagine Trump strolling through the dressing room before a debate, a fat old lecherous king scouting the available meat for vice presidential material.

Idea: Mar-A-Lago Federal Golf Resort and Maximum Security Detention Facility.

After a years-long investigation by a special prosecutor, Hunter Biden decided to plead guilty to tax evasion charges in exchange for no jail time. Maybe there’s a lesson there, Mr. Trump.

Of all the surprising heroes and horrible monsters to surface in the war in Ukraine, the most fascinating to me (from the latter category) is the convicted robber/caterer to tyrants/troll-bot magnate/private general/political-military gadfly Yevgeny Prigozhin. I wouldn’t sell him a life insurance policy, though. He seems to want to make enemies not only of Ukraine but also the Russian military and even Vladimir Putin. As we go to press, he appears to have made it more than halfway from Rostov-on-Don to Moscow before deciding to turn around and get the hell out of Russia. He may not be a military genius, but he’s evidently smarter than Napoleon.

Re: the recent film Babylon: we didn’t make it halfway through our home viewing of it before abandoning the enterprise. So busy, such an effortful struggle to convince us that the Sixties had nothing on the Roaring Twenties in terms of drugs, sex, music, and artistic innovation. All right. But it makes me appreciate all the more an auteur like Quentin Tarantino, who knows how to take his time in telling a story, and the value of a thoughtful conversation in between the noise and gore.

Another hideously hot summer has begun in the Garden of Eaton, located somewhere deep in the sun-drenched heart of Texas. Please send us your limes, your tonic water, your gin, and regular pallets of ice.