On “Woke” and Viva Max!

I saw the film Viva Max! probably in late 1969 or early 1970, in one of Denton, Texas’ two movie theaters. It’s a comedy about a Mexican army officer who leads his troops across the U.S. Border to San Antonio, in order to reclaim the Alamo for Mexico. My 10-year-old-self thought it was pretty funny. It also had a catchy march/mariachi theme song which became a staple of middle-school marching bands.

In later years I occasionally caught a glimpse of Viva Max! in cycling through late-night TV channels, and it started to seem a little lame. More recently, I’ve wanted to see it again, but it’s kind of hard to find. It doesn’t show up on Netflix’s DVD service, or on Amazon Prime, for example. It doesn’t make the Turner Classic Movie rotation. I have a suspicion as to why: the movie is transparently, blatantly racist.

The lead character is played by Peter Ustinov in brownface as the bumbling title officer, doing a cheesy “Mexican” accent. Ustinov was a British actor of (according to Wikipedia) Russian, Polish, Jewish, Ethiopian, Italian, French, and German descent. What he was not in any way was Mexican. His character’s second in command, Sergeant Valdez, is played by John Astin, of TV’s Addams Family fame. If there were any actual Hispanic members of the cast, I can’t find them.

Today such a project would not get past the concept pitch. But there’s no evidence of hackles or even eyebrows being raised back then. (The closest thing I can find to indignation is a comment in Vincent Canby’s dismissive review in the New York Times. Canby stated that Ustinov’s “busy performance” included “a Mexican accent that would probably strike even Pedro Gonzalez-Gonzalez as too much.”) I imagine that any actual Mexican viewers would have found the film deeply offensive, but of course it wasn’t made with a Hispanic audience in mind. What was different then, than now?

Viva Max! wasn’t a product of right-wing xenophobic hate-mongers. It came out of the pseudo-progressive Hollywood establishment. The movie sets up and parodies the dumb Texas redneck stereotype (played to perfection by Jonathan Winters as a frustrated shopkeeper-National Guard officer) and makes fun of anti-Communist paranoia. Ustinov’s character isn’t portrayed with the hateful, scary, Donald Trump sort of anti-immigrant racism, but rather with the much more comfortable patronizing, condescending sort of racism. He’s a sympathetic character, and it’s easy to imagine that his creators thought they were humanizing the Mexican “other.” The screenplay was written by none other than a young Jim Lehrer (and adapted from his own book), later of PBS MacNeil-Lehrer Newshour fame. Hardly an avatar of knee-jerk xenophobia. Ustinov himself advocated a planet governed (not just mediated) by the United Nations.

I think about Viva Max! when I think about anti-“woke” hysteria today. I am certain that any objections to the film for its demeaning portrayal of Mexicans would have caused the same rolled eyebrows and shaking heads that, say, gender-neutral pronouns do today. I don’t particularly like gender-neutral pronouns, and I am not convinced that they are important. But I don’t think the concept is stupid, and I wonder how thinking people will look back on this era in fifty years. Maybe they’ll say, “Can you believe that back then, people were referred to by different terms, depending on whether they had a penis or a uterus?” I certainly hope that suppression of the role of slavery and Jim Crow in public education will be accepted as monstrous. And I hope that banning of drag shows will look as ridiculous as the censoring of Elvis Presley’s hip gyrations were in his time.

But who knows? We’ve been taking big backward steps these days with respect to women’s rights and education among other things. “Woke,” which to me means a healthy, honest examination of one’s own feelings towards other human beings, is being set up as Average Joe’s bogeyman. The idea that black people may be treated worse than white people in this country is being demonized as “critical race theory.” So maybe Viva Max! and its ilk will enjoy a comeback—and not in any ironic, cult-film kind of way.

TOP GUN III: MONTANA DRIFT

[SOMEWHERE IN THE BOWELS OF NORAD COMMAND CENTER]

PA SYSTEM: AWOOGAH! AWOOGAH! TOM CRUISE REPORT TO SITUATION ROOM!

GENERAL: We got little a situation here.

TOM CRUISE: [wearing the smirk he smirks in every damn movie he’s ever been in] I’m well aware of that, General. This is the situation room, after all. You wouldn’t have called me in here if there had been a lack of…situation, would you?

GENERAL: Christ, why couldn’t I get Richard Gere…Look, we’ve detected an enemy aircraft high above the plains of Montana…

CRUISE: Thank God for our Distant Early Warning System…

GENERAL: Actually it was reported on Twitter by a sheep farmer looking up while he was taking a leak out on the north forty…

CRUISE: What is it? A Sukhoi stealth fighter? I get a chubbie just thinking about splashing one of those mothers…

GENERAL:  No…

CRUISE: A North Korean ballistic missile threatening me, my loved ones, and everything we hold dear, and which might even disrupt the upcoming Oscar ceremony if allowed to proceed unchecked?

GENERAL: Nope…

CRUISE: Wait, I got it…a hypersonic drone loaded with powerful lasers?

GENERAL: Not exactly. It’s spherical object inflated with gas…

CRUISE: My God. It’s filled with enough poison gas to wipe out greater Butte…

GENERAL: Well, more like helium. It won’t kill you but if you ingest enough it makes your voice sound funny for a minute.

CRUISE: Moving at supersonic speeds…

GENERAL: We estimate it’s travelling between 20-40 miles per hour…

CRUISE: Made out of the latest hi-tech invisible fabric….

GENERAL: It’s painted white, OK? Just get up there and knock it down.

CRUISE: No problem. A short burst from the .50 cal oughta do it…

GENERAL: You’re to use a single AIM-9X Sidewinder air-to-air missile…

CRUISE: To shoot down a balloon? Are you crazy, sir? Those things cost almost 400k apiece, according to Wikipedia!

GENERAL: Yeah, but the cool factor is off the charts!

On James Hannaham’s DIDN’T NOBODY GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO CARLOTTA

DIDN’T NOBODY GIVE A SHIT WHAT HAPPENED TO CARLOTTA is the most inventive, funny, moving, and true novel I’ve read in some time.

The heart, soul and body of the story is Carlotta. It is her story, and it is told primarily through her eyes, thoughts and remarks. Hannaham’s great accomplishment is the creation of her voice. She is witty, desperate, determined, and an original.

The story unfolds during a Fourth of July weekend during which Carlotta has been paroled back to her Brooklyn home after serving nearly all of a twenty-year sentence for aggravated assault—a crime for which it seems that her culpability lay mainly in being in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong company. There is a lot she has to do right, and a lot that can easily go wrong, if she is to stay out of jail and not violate the conditions of her parole (or as she calls them, “the stips”). She has to find a job, stay out of any kind of trouble that might cause a cop to show up, not associate with any other ex-cons, avoid drugs and alcohol and even the vicinity of such substances, and find employment, for which she has little or no qualifications.

On her side: she is not much of a drinker or drug user, and she wants to stay out of jail. But the deck is heavily stacked against her: she is poor, black, Latino, a transvestite—she “came out” in the penitentiary—and tends to have a problem with temper and impulse control. She returns to the home of her extended family and finds little support: her relatives have their own problems, and mostly don’t care about Carlotta’s, and are baffled and disturbed (especially her grown son) in encountering a woman who went to prison as the man they knew. And the house in Brooklyn seems to be a continual venue for the kind of parties that make parole violation seem unavoidable.

That’s the setup, but it doesn’t convey the joy and excitement the reader experiences in seeing the world through Carlotta’s voice and in Carlotta’s terms. This passage comes near the end of the story when Carlotta, fleeing a dangerous situation in Brooklyn, winds up on Coney Island, and hears a DJ on the beach playing the kind of music she loved decades ago, before being sent to jail:

It’s like this man knew ezzackly when time an fun had stopped for me an he decided he gon go back to that fork in the road an lemme take the other path, lemme start livin the life I coulda lived, like time gone backwards. Last night a DJ saved my life! I felt the glory tinglin all through my fuckin chakras or whatever, baby, I was like Chakra Khan out there or, better yet, Chakra Ex-Khan, tastin the many flavors a the night air like it be a drug that make all that negative shit that had happened not had happened. Why’d we treat ev’thing like it was worthless when it was really so precious, when that shit was our lives?

The novel has its flaws. It shares a defect I find in a lot of fiction these days: too much boring authorial explanation and qualification. Descriptions of facial reactions and gestures, getting the character across the room or into a chair, details that are boring and unnecessary. I wish Hannaham had trusted in his character and in the reader’s imagination enough to leave out details that don’t matter to our understanding of the story or its people.

For example, Carlotta describes to us a kaleidoscopic impression of all the different kinds of people on the boardwalk in Coney Island, impressions all the more vivid to her after half a life spent in prison (and much of that in solitary confinement). She buys herself a couple of hot dogs, another simple act that for her bears the taste of liberty. And then:

No bench had any vacancies; in fact, most of them contained more people in various configurations than they’d been built to hold. The moment she noticed someone leaving half of a park bench unoccupied, Carlotta scooted toward the opening, plopped herself onto the seat, and set her food box on her knees.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I don’t need the author to explain to me how Carlotta finds a place to sit down. Narratively speaking, she needs to get there; a funny and telling incident happens while she’s eating her hot dogs. But the mechanics have the flavor of a clunky made-for-TV moment.

But this is minor complaint. This story doesn’t need a sequel, but I enjoyed it more than enough to want to find out how Carlotta does going forward.

Hannaham, James. Didn’t Nobody Give a Shit What Happened to Carlotta, Little, Brown and Company. Kindle Edition.,

Fascinations

“There is a queftion in natural hiftory that has, in efpecial

manner, folicited from me thefe obfervations. I mean the

queftion concerning the fafcinating faculty, which has been

afcribed to different kinds of American ferpents. It is my

intention to examine this queftion, in the memoir which I now

prefent to the Philofophical Society”

.

.

–Journal of Natural Philosophy, Chemistry, & the Arts (1804)

.

.

People fascinate me. It seems to me that the most ordinary-seeming person, if pressed (and if they were being honest) would soon reveal themselves to be composed of thousands of odd little stories, and despite the fact the each of these stories has its own idiosyncratic shape, at once elbowy and intestinal, they are all interwoven and fitted so seemlessly as to construct the singular one we see standing before us. People are like Dr. Who’s “Tardis”: bigger on the inside than the outside.

Cats fascinate me. If a human were a very complex sort of soup, a cat would be a spoonful of that soup. Everything in that spoon contains a little bit of what’s in the pot. One generally does not drink soup straight out of the pot—one consumes it a spoonful of time (I’m not suggesting you eat your cat—this is a metaphor, okay?) Why? I guess you could say soup by the spoonful is a little less “in your face” than by the potful. So I can look at (and get to know) a cat, and feel like I’ve had a taste of the near-infinite complexity of what humanity is made of.

Since I call myself a novelist, you may find it strange that novels don’t fascinate me. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve read novels that interested me, that awed me, that inspired me, that changed my life. But I don’t think I’ve ever read a novel that fascinated me—it’s a different sort of engagement. For me, reading a great novel is like watching a trainwreck in slow motion—truly, I can’t look away—but I’m too immersed in it to engage with it intellectually in the way that defines “fascination” for me.

On the other hand, short stories (good ones) do fascinate me. A great short story (Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “Feathertop” or “The Black Veil”, Guy de Maupassant’s “Butterball”, Isak Dinesen’s “Babette’s Feast” (or just about any of the stories in 7 Gothic Tales) to name just a few). To read a great short story is to see the world in a grain of sand. Yet another “Tardis” of sorts. I guess it’s the oddly pleasurable necessity of pulling so much out of myself to fill in the blanks that makes reading a great short story such a different experience than reading a great novel.

My fascination with stories isn’t limited to those that are written down. Stories people tell me fascinate me. People probably wouldn’t tell me their stories, if they had any idea how much I read into them.

Dreams fascinate me. Analyzing a dream is like planting and watering a strange, gem-like seed that inevitably blooms into an even stranger flower. I’ve had dreams I’ve thought about for nearly my whole life. When I was little (5? 6?), I dreamt I was attacked by a skeleton wearing army boots. My father saved me by tying the skeleton’s shoelaces together. That image of my father—so deft and fearless—has stayed with me my whole life. No question it is an image that is infinitely bigger on the inside than the outside.

Love fascinates me. If anything is bigger on the inside than the outside, it’s love.

Hate doesn’t fascinate me. If anything is smaller on the inside than it is on the outside it’s hate. Hate is nearly the ultimate simplifier. I say nearly, because I suppose the prize would have to go to the black hole—a thing that pulls everything in and squeezes it down to  a “nothing” that, somehow, makes the black hole ever more powerful. Now that I think about it, maybe hate is even better at that.

Gosh, I feel like I’m done, but I don’t want to end on that note. What else fascinates me? There’s gotta be one more thing. I don’t know—Sumo wrestling, maybe.

Then Come, in Order of Decreasing Frequency

Then come, in order of decreasing frequency

The beating of the pulse,

The chirping of crickets or cicadas,

The rustling of leaves,

The crackling noises of the telephone,

The measured tread of a troop of soldiers, and

Various strange noises, which patients have likened to

The meeting of railway trains under a roof on which

Heavy rain was falling,

The rumbling of a receding cart,

The shuffling of a pack of cards,

And the rolling of thunder.

–Adapted from an article about tinnitus in the Scientific American magazine

Volume 104 (March 25, 1911)

The 10 Greatest Rock Instrumentals of All Time

What do you do when you’re in a lazy state of mind on a cold, icy day? Post a listlet to your vanity blog, natch!

Today’s list: the ten greatest rock instrumental pieces of all time!

Like all lists of the “best” works of art of any medium, this list is utterly nonsensical. I won’t try to defend or explain it. We’re either on the same aural wavelength, or we’re not. But you might discover something here you enjoy.

In no particular order:

Intro to Sweet Jane—Lou Reed

Beck’s Bolero—Jeff Beck

Jessica—The Allman Brothers

Europa—Carlos Santana

Are You Going With Me—Pat Metheny

Fortune Smiles—Gary Burton and Keith Jarrett

Fanfare for the Common Man—Aaron Copland, as performed by Emerson Lake and Palmer

Lenny—Stevie Ray Vaughn

The “In” Crowd—Billy Page, as performed by Ramsey Lewis

The Star-Spangled Banner—Francis Scott Key, as performed by Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock

Honorable Mention: Freeway Jam, Jeff Beck and Jan Hammer; Green Onions, Booker T. and the MG’s; theme to A Few Dollars More, Ennio Morricone

Behind the Aluminum Door

Only on Thursday, three days after that initial statement, did the White House confirm media reports about the second batch, which was discovered in the garage of Mr. Biden’s home in Wilmington, and a final document found nearby on Wednesday night.

When a reporter asked Mr. Biden at an unrelated event on Thursday why classified documents were kept along with his prized Corvette, Mr. Biden replied: “My Corvette is in a locked garage. OK? So it’s not like they’re sitting out in the street.”—The New York Times, 1/12/23

MOSCOW, DEEP INSIDE RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE HEADQUARTERS

AGENT BORIS: The operation to recover top secret documents foolishly stored in the private home of American President Joseph Biden is ready!

AGENT VLAD: What about the guard dogs?

BORIS: Poisoned pelmeni prepared!

VLAD: What about the Secret Service agents on constant watch at the premises?

BORIS: Oh please, we know the hotel they’re staying in. Agent Natasha, Agent Irina, and a pitcher of vodka martinis. Nuff said!

VLAD: Weapons?

BORIS: Agents are fully equipped with latest super-duper Kalashnikovs with extended clips!

VLAD: What!? I thought this was to be an unarmed mission!

BORIS: Sure, but this is America…anyone walking around without a big gun looks suspicious!

VLAD: Good, good…this is will be even easier than stealing classified documents from Mar-A-Lago!

BORIS: But how did you get your people into Mar-A-Lago?

VLAD: Easy! We had two agents pretending to be free-spending pro-Putin lobbyists.  Well, maybe not ‘pretending’…

AGENT YURI: Knocksky knocksky! Urgent message for Agent Boris! New information regarding location of top secret American documents!

BORIS: They are kept in a hi-tech safe with eyeball recognition and 3-foot-thick titanium walls?

YURI: No!

VLAD: Guarded by a giant venomous serpent whose heads multiply if you cut them off?

YURI: Nyet!

BORIS: Submerged in pond full of ravenous radioactive crocodiles and robot sharks?

YURI: Cool idea but not even. They are stored in a garage!

VLAD: Stored in a ga-what?

YURI: Garage. It is a diabolical American device for preventing theft of automobiles, kind of.

BORIS: How do we defeat this…garage?

YURI: It is not easy. Street access is denied by an articulated door of aluminum nearly a millimeter thick.

VLAD: Fiendish!

YURI: Wait, it gets worse…this particular garage is opened by a remote-controlled radio device secured by a user-configurable four-digit binary dip switch. The possible combinations are in the dozens!

BORIS: Oh well, guess we’ll just have to abort the mission. What else can we do? I know! We can try getting access to the emails on Hillary’s private server again!

VLAD: Are you kidding? That lady knows how to keep her [expletive] secure!

Поради щодо життя в Оклахомі (Tips for Thriving in Oklahoma)

“The United States begins special training in Germany and Oklahoma for Ukrainian soldiers.”—The New York Times, January 16 2023

In order to ease any culture shock experienced by Ukrainian forces suddenly thrust into the bewildering wilds of Oklahoma, we’d like to offer these helpful hints for the newcomers.

1. I know you’re used to living in a war zone, but be careful. Folks in this part of the country just love their guns!

2. Chicken-fried steak may be delicious, but it does not involve chicken. Nor an actual steak. It is, however, most definitely fried.

3. You may be wondering why almost every man, woman, and child drives an oversized pickup truck that is usually empty. When you find out, let us know.

4. Next to Oklahoma there is a place called Texas. Texans like to make fun of people from Oklahoma and are very proud of the history of their own state, which was stolen from the Republic of Mexico in order make more land available for profiting off of slave labor.

5. On the other side of Oklahoma is a place called Kansas. I think that’s where they make the corn?

6. There are many thoughtful, intelligent people in Oklahoma. There are also people like every single one of Oklahoma’s five U.S. House of Representative members, who all voted to prevent our democratically elected president from taking office. It may seem surreal to you that you are being trained to fight for democracy in a place largely filled with people who are against it. You’ll just have to deal with it.

7. If you want scenery there’s always Colorado, New Mexico and Arkansas right next door.

8. If you don’t like Oklahoma, don’t blame the Native Americans who call it home. It wasn’t their first choice.

9. If you want to get a head start on what it’s like to live in Oklahoma, you can watch a musical called ‘Oklahoma!” It’s just like that.

10. Don’t forget to relax and enjoy the experience. It’s not like you’re going to hit something important.

More Headlines from the Future Desk

GEORGE SANTOS APOLOGIZES FOR COMPULSIVE LYING; BLAMES PTSD. “I’ve learned that you don’t participate in a major event like D-Day without consequences,” states the congressman

ON PARTY-LINE VOTE, CONGRESS BANS BIRTH CONTROL ON MARS. “They can do what they want in California,” states Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), “but taxpayers in my district aren’t going to pay for a bunch of hippie astronauts flying to Mars to engage in unrestricted government-funded hanky-panky. Have your fun, have your Martian!”

TRUMP WINS ELECTION for president of the Bellevue Mental Ward Patient Association. Former U.S. president is later placed in straitjacket for fighting with Ye over which one is “Vice.”

6-YEAR-OLD ACQUITTED OF ATTEMPTED MURDER OF TEACHER. Virginia jury finds tot was “standing his ground” after being threatened with a time-out.

MOTHER NATURE FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM MANKIND, CITES ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR. “They keep telling me they’re going to change,” says the struggling natural world. “I used to believe them.”

ASTRONAUTS PLEAD FOR RIDE HOME FROM SPACE STATION. “Oh [expletive},” responds NASA spokesperson. “Did we still have someone up there?”

IRAN’S SUPREME LEADER ISSUES FATWAH AGAINST THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD FOR STANDING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. States Ali Khamenei, “only a Satanic infidel would dare create an image of the Divine Prophet!”

UKRAINIAN FORCES TAKE MOSCOW WITHOUT A FIGHT. “We didn’t really mean to,” claims President Zelensky. “But the other side is so clueless, it just sort of happened.”

December Deliberations

My Kindle reader is an expensive graveyard of unread mediocre bestsellers with shrewdly intriguing opening lines.

My most-hated journalistic locution is currently “questions swirl,” along with its sister phrase “questions are swirling.” If you can’t be bothered to document why your readers should care about an issue, or to demonstrate that anyone else does, just begin by stating “Questions are swirling…” Questions are swirling over why I was charged for an iced tea when the lunch combo is supposed to include a medium drink. We hope to have answers soon…

Putin’s strategy for winning the war in Ukraine seems to rely on making every Ukrainian man, woman and little baby suffer as much as possible—those who are lucky enough not to die outright from a missile or drone attack. I don’t think it’s going to work. Or maybe it just makes him happy to inflict death and destruction on the helpless Ukrainian people from afar. Will he personally have to suffer any painful consequences of his evil behavior? That’s for the Russian people to determine. “Russia, if you’re listening…”

Do you think Putin is sleeping well at night? It would be interesting to know. I think if I were responsible for starting an unexpectedly problematic war, I’d be a little anxious. It gave Mussolini ulcers.

I kind of hope Trump follows through and runs for a second term. All those Republicans who didn’t overtly repudiate him and his four years of foul words and deeds now deserve him. No one stopped, say, Kevin McCarthy from doing the noble Liz Cheney thing.

I’ve made my peace with reading the paper in a browser. I’ve come to prefer reading books on my tablet. You know what I miss? Menus. Those sticky, laminated, hold ‘em in your hand, ketchup and grease stained, half the items scratched out and new ones written in by hand, menus. You can tell your app to go scan itself.

I’m at that uncomfortable age at which death, though to all appearances still off on a pleasantly vague and distant future date, would cause no great astonishment in the medical community were it to strike today. (If this blog ends in four pages filled with, say, the letter j, you’ll know I actually keeled over face down on the keyboard.) “He looked so good the last time I saw him,” I imagine my acquaintances saying. “What do you want to do for lunch?”

What this realization means to me is that, being so lucky thus far, I need to live life to the fullest, realize my full potential, experience as many adventures as I can in the time I have left. And to show karmic appreciation for the good health I have enjoyed so far, I must cut down on fat, salt, sugar, carbohydrates, cholesterol, and calories in general. And increase daily minutes of vigorous aerobic exercise.

All of which I fully intend to do, right after I take a nap.

(Made you look, didn’t I, you morbid rascal!)

On Cormac McCarthy’s The Passenger

In which we interview ourselves on one of the two new novels by the author of All the Pretty Horses.

Hey bud.

Hey yourself.

Aptly put. So how was it.

How was what.

The book.

What book.

The Passenger, one of the two ones just published by Cormac McCarthy. Thats what we’re doing here, right?

I thought we were here in order to live a good and meaningful life.

Christ its going to be a long day.

Just yankin your chain bud. The book. Well the good news is its better than ninety nine percent of the crap they got out on the New York Times bestseller list.

But.

But its got serious problems. Quite a few in fact.

For example.

For example threads.

Threads. Are you jerkin my chain again?

No I’m serious as a cockroach caught on the floor in the midst of an oversubscribed clogging contest. Too many threads that start up promising something and end up not going anywhere on their own nor tying into any others. Like the mysterious plane crash in the ocean with a missing passenger thread. Dramatic and perfectly rendered and it sets you up to think hey this is going to be a ripping yarn.

Like The Road.

Exactly. Or All the Pretty Horses. Then it pretty much gets dropped halfway through. Like the other threads. The schizophrenic girl math genius thread. The physics genius turned Vietnam maybe traumatized maybe not combat helicopter pilot turned deep sea salvage diver thread. The brother sister romance thread. The transsexual high dollar prostitute thread. The darkly hinted at possible super weapon development thread. The treasure buried in the foundation thread. The

OK I get it.

But thats not the main issue. The main is issue is too much McCarthy.

How can there be too much McCarthy. He is the author of the book if I am not terribly mistaken.

Indeed he is. And to read this book is to understand that he has lost any editorial restraints on his own tendencies not to mention his own artistic sense of proportion. He indulges his authorial peculiarities to an extent that distorts the novel beyond anything anyone might actually enjoy reading.

By anyone you mean you.

Oh you think youll like it, then go ahead and be my guest.

Fair enough. So what authorial peculiarities.

Like the nature of his dialogue. Pretty much all the male characters talk the same way. In the same casual unflappable tough guy jokingly insulting self deprecating way. Well OK maybe thats how a lot of working class guys talk. But then each and every one is given to long obtuse metaphysical ramblings which the reader cant understand but everyone in the book has no problem with. They all seem to be some kind of self taught hobo philosopher with an improbably arcane vocabulary. These rants were of modest proportions in like Blood Meridian and slogging through them was worth it in order to ultimately get back to the story. But here it just keeps going until the book runs out of pages and you’re left wondering just what in the hell it was all for.

Is that all.

If only it were bud. Also his love for technical detail overflows its banks. One of the aspects that made his earlier works so engaging. The unhurried exposition of ranching in All the Pretty Horses. The world-creation and improvised strategies for post-apocalyptic survival in The Road.

Loved it.

Me too. But here we are treated to long expositions on deep sea salvage diving, rifle design considerations, car-racing. Did you know there was such a thing as Formula 2?

I did not.

Neither did I but I do now.

Doesn’t sound so bad.

Maybe not if it all added up to something. Or if that is all there was to it. But there is more. Towards the end whatever is left of the story gives way to more long expositions on mathematics and quantum physics. Of which I can make out neither head nor tail.

Maybe that’s your problem.

Well if I wanted to understand advanced physics I would have gone to MIT and made a study of it. But I went to Chicago and studied literature. And this aint it.

In your opinion.

In my opinion. Maybe that should be the title of my blog. And there’s another thing. The darkly hinted at but never quite fleshed out deep state conspiracies. The IRS as a front for 24 7 surveillance of the entire citizenry with the absolute technical and legal ability to shut down any individual’s freedom at the drop of an unreported hat.

What do you care if he wants to make a story out of that?

It is of great concern to me that one of this country’s greatest novelists seems to be buying into the darkest deep-state paranoid fantasies.

You seem to have forgotten that we’re discussing a work of fiction here. Just because the author portrays the world this way doesn’t mean he actually believes thats how it is.

Sure bud.

So I guess youre not going to read Stella Maris?

I have decided the money would be more profitably spent on a sharp stick with which to poke my eye. But yet.

But yet what.

But yet there are some fine passages. Moving. Jewel like observations that stick in the mind.

For all his dedication there were times he thought the fine sweet edge of his grief was thinning. Each memory but a memory of the one before until…What? Host and sorrow to waste as one without distinction until the wretched coagulant is shoveled into the ground at last and the rain primes the stones for fresh tragedies. — McCarthy, Cormac. The Passenger (p. 257). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

On that note.

On that note, you all take it easy now.

An Open Letter to Vladimir Putin

Dear President Putin,

It must really suck to be you right now.

And this time a year ago things were so peachy!

The rubles were rolling in from all the oil and gas you and your obscenely rich buddies were digging out of the Russian soil. The pesky journalists and dissidents who wouldn’t play along with you were all safely in exile, prison, or the grave. The West wasn’t seriously challenging the reality of Russian ownership of the valuable territory you carved off of Ukraine in 2014. And the Russian people loved you (mostly)! And you had something so exciting to look forward to…seeing your massive, unstoppable Red—er, I mean Russian—Army smashing its way into Kiev. Ah, those were the days, weren’t they?

Why wouldn’t those pesky Ukrainians just follow the plan?

And now your magnificent military juggernaut, the terror of the free world, is in shambles and advancing in the wrong direction. Your only friends are creeps like Li’l Kim, and your reliable sycophant Donald is out of power. Your best and brightest are running away as fast as they can to internet cafes in Kazakhstan. Your buddies’ bank accounts and yachts are confiscated. Russian mothers are asking what happened to the sons they haven’t heard from lately—and you don’t want to mess with a Russian mother! Your erstwhile supporters are turning on you, demanding to know why you don’t just obliterate the Ukraine. Which you might still decide to do…but what will that get you, really?

Tough spot, huh? Boy, I’m glad I’m not you. Even with all the free caviar and big private office and stuff. There’s nothing like a failed war for undermining absolute authority. Just ask Mussolini…he had so much fun at first, invading Libya, invading Ethiopia, invading France, invading Greece, invading, invading. And look what happened to him! A couple of battles went the wrong way and everyone forgot about all the great stuff he did!

We don’t see a nice happy ending for you, but maybe you can avoid hanging by the heels from a gas-station carport. These are the steps.

First, get the hell out of Ukraine.

Second, let your world-class propaganda machine frame it as a victory. You’re really good at that kind of thing. Maybe spin it as a “We taught those Nazi-gay-Western-puppet Ukrainians a lesson they’ll never forget!” kind of thing.

Third, scrape together your remaining rubles and get a nice villa in Qatar or outside Pyongyang. List the owner as “Ferdinand McGillicutty.”

Fourth, fly out of Russia ASAP to “deliberate with key allies.” Take your figure-skating babe or your wife with you, we don’t recommend keeping both. You have enough problems already. Oh, and make sure your route out of town doesn’t cross Ukrainian airspace. They’re totally awesome now at knocking down your planes!

But before you leave, let Brittney Griner go. What did that poor girl ever do to you?

Best wishes (not really), Garden of Eaton

October Revolutions

(of the mental kind)

I read recently in The New York Times that former Dallas Cowboys running back and current Republican candidate for United States Senator from Georgia Herschel Walker, “after getting over the surprise about his [son Christian’s] sport of choice [as a competitive cheerleader], was supportive.”

Not sure why Walker père was “surprised.” After all, he is a former professional ballet dancer with the Fort Worth Ballet company, as you can easily verify via Google.

I lived in suburban Fort Worth at the time (late 1980’s), and I remember seeing a brief clip on the local news which showed Walker holding out his arms in the “holding a beach ball” pose and taking little steps on tippy toes.

Say what you will about his politics, intellect, or personal behavior. The man looks good in tights.

Currently high on my “heartily dislike” list: those gigantic plastic inflatable Halloween decorations. They don’t look creepy, just ugly. And they’ll look even uglier buried in a landfill for the next 10,000 years.

Ok, there’s a rhetorical problem with the previous sentence. You can’t see something if it’s buried in a landfill. Like Dracula, they’ll just be in a landfill, without decomposing, for the next 10,000 years. Now that’s creepy!

Atrocities happen in every war, but the sadism committed by Russian troops, in its degree and scale, astonishes me. I don’t completely understand it. I don’t think Russians are particularly bad people. Nor did I have a suspicion that there was a fundamental resentment among Russians towards Ukrainians. My best guess is that this sadism is the product of ignorance, propaganda, fear and alcohol. But even those factors aren’t enough to explain so many mass graves and torture chambers.

You’d think Putin would have a lot to gain by having his troops play the part of the benevolent liberators his propaganda machine makes them out to be. Instead they’re acting like Nazi invaders. And that’s something the Ukrainians know all about.

Of all the terrible effects of this war, one will be a long-lasting hatred of Russia and Russians by the Ukrainians.

It’s encouraging to see so many Russian millennials deciding to opt out of Putin’s dirty little war. But rather than protesting or burning their draft cards in public, it looks like they prefer to work from their laptops in a cozy little cafe in Kazakhstan. Whatever.

Many years ago, thanks to a wise college English professor whose name I cannot recall, I read Thomas Pynchon’s novel Gravity’s Rainbow. One of the theses of that novel is that wars between great powers are instigated by multinational corporations, as a means of snagging massive amounts of government funding for technological research projects. It’s one of those propositions that seems absurd at first, but as one sees more of how the world works, it starts to seem almost reasonable. For instance, every time Russia fires a missile that does or doesn’t get shot down by an American anti-missile missile, both sides learn something new about what works and what doesn’t, and I am positive that engineers on both sides are feverishly working on how to better kill people and blow things up in ways the other side can’t prevent. The Ukraine is a living (or dying) laboratory for military research, and Ukrainian people and Russian troops are paying the price as test subjects. Nonetheless I hope the West keeps supplying the Ukraine with all the weapons it needs to survive and win.

Bill McKibben has an article in a recent issue of the New York Review of Books entitled, “Where Will We Live?” He talks about the ongoing migration of animal species (those which are able) away from the equator and up to higher elevations, as the planet heats up. One of my many fears is that this planet of ours will end up being populated only by humans and the animals they raise to eat or keep them company, plus the ones that live on their leftovers. A planet with nothing but people, dogs, cats, pigs, chickens, cows, cockroaches and rats. And maybe tilapia. What a dull house to live in.