1. After my second term ends in January 2033 I will still be well under 80 years of age. So that right there!

2. I have never been convicted or even indicted for any crime, okay once I was stopped for going 45 in a 30 mph zone but even that was totally bogus.

3. If I stood in the middle of Times Square and shot someone I would definitely go to jail for a very long time. But here’s the deal: I never would. Even if you like held my family hostage and forced me to I would still aim for the shoulder or something.

4. The only thing I ever got from a billionaire? Kicked out of the member’s only clubhouse. It was a hot day and all I wanted was a drink of water and a place to go pee.

5. Do any other candidates have a patent? I do: U.S. Patent 7,836,140 B2 (look it up!) Sure, there are a bunch of names on it, but it was totally my idea!

6. I’m a certified ESL (English as a Second Language) instructor. That means I can communicate with anyone…even those idiots in Congress!

7. I would be really easy on the White House budget. The menu for a state dinner? What’s on sale at Costco? Frozen salmon, flank steak, whatever. Those chickens they got already roasted are nice. Along with those little potatoes you can just cook in the microwave. But no liver!  

8. (Can’t think of anything)

9. I like long walks and dinners by candlelight.

10. All the stupid, embarrassing stuff I did happened before cell phones and YouTube.

11. You can’t bribe me. A while ago I gave up my Kawasaki 650 Ninja motorcycle. After that, there’s really nothing I want bad enough to betray my country for.

12. I love this country and every son of a bitch in it!

I’ve been loosely following the impeachment trial of Texas’ top cop, Attorney General Ken Paxton. He is accused, among other things, of using state resources to accommodate and cover up an extramarital affair, and firing members of his staff who raised objections. He’s trying to shrug off the accusations as left-wing propaganda, but that’s becoming pretty difficult given the solid conservative credentials of some of the witnesses against him, including a retired Texas Ranger. In Texas, being publicly accused of misdeeds by a Texas Ranger is like a warrior in the Iliad, in the middle of a fight, getting the scales tipped against him by an angry god.

I’m no fan of Paxton but it’s hard not to feel sympathy for his wife, who as a member of the Texas state senate has to sit through these hearings and hear the details of her husband’s imbroglios, while journalists watch her intently for any reaction. I was initially glad to hear that she had recused herself from actually voting on the impeachment conviction, but I’ve changed my mind. I think she should have the right to vote on her husband.

A lot of virtual ink has been spilled lately on the matter of Joe Biden’s age and health. Democrats are evidently worried that Biden’s stiff gait and mumbling speech will turn voters away from him on election day. If that’s true, I fear for the intelligence of my fellow Americans. Does it make sense to vote for Donald Trump over Joe Biden because the former is (or appears to be) healthier? Why would I vote for a robust monster over a frail statesman? I would vote for a comatose Biden over a decathlete Trump. For that matter, I would gladly vote for a rock or a cow patty over Trump. No cow patty ever tried to subvert our democratic institutions in order to stay in power.

If the single “Angry” is representative of the album, I’m not impressed by the Rolling Stones’ new album Hackney Diamonds. But I respect them for taking the trouble to develop new material instead of resting on their enormous and well-deserved musical laurels.

The accompanying music video uses special effects to make it appear that various younger (sexier, glamorouser) versions of the Stones are performing the piece. Why did someone think that was necessary? Never mind, I know.

My advice: Ken: quit. Mick and Joe: keep on truckin’.

You can fill in the rest…

What the experts say you should always put on macaroni. (Hint: it’s not cheese!)

Experts say you should never jump off a cliff. Here’s why.

I ate spicy chorizo nachos for lunch. Then this happened…

That hairless chihuahua you’re petting may not be what you think it is!

The one weird thing that James Mason and James Madison have in common…

A Danish prince started digging into his father’s death. What he discovered next will shock you!

The way you walk is probably killing you…

The one thing preventing you from being happy (Hint: it’s not what you think!)

Why extraterrestrials visited Arkansas…and decided to leave!

You can make tons of easy money at home, as long as you don’t mind…

The one food that will cure your condition (Hint: it’s not artichokes!)

If you have a valid credit card handy you need to read this now!

The multiverse is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes that comprise all of reality —Wikipedia

Editor’s note: Based on our extensive research into quantum physics, we learned that an infinity of realities exist, one for every possible outcome of every event in the universe. We recently sent our science correspondent on a mission to find the best possible universe in existence and to report back on what she found. Here are highlights from her report:

A college basketball star goes on to devote his life to medical research and soon invents a drug that tastes like salted caramel and cures all forms of cancer. After he donates the patent to the World Health Organization, the Nike corporation rewards him with a billion-dollar endorsement for a shoe called “Dr. Jordans.”

A wealthy real-estate developer’s plan to run for president of the United States is derailed when he is jailed for a fraudulent “educational” scheme called “Trump University.” In response to his plea for a pardon, President Christie states, “Umm…nah.”

NATO forces, led by the United States, easily drive Russian forces from Ukraine a few days after Vladimir Putin’s ill-advised invasion. “Russia’s got a big army,” states the American secretary of defense, “but their equipment is obsolete and their training is a joke. Thank goodness they never figured out how to make the bomb!”

17 years after the documentary An Inconvenient Truth convinced American politicians of all political stripes that global warming represented a planetary existential crisis that required immediate action, the planet cools back down to its pre-industrial age baseline. To tell you the truth, it’s a little chilly in the morning.

The summer blockbuster movie 12 Years a Slave is a box office bust. The alternative-history dystopian epic, set in a fictional 19^th century America in which the enslavement of Black people is tolerated, was seen as too unrealistic. “We’re supposed to believe that you could treat somebody so horrible just because of their skin color?” asked one disappointed movie-goer. “Yeah, right! And maybe we should pay some people less just because they’re women!”

Millions of lives are saved when a vaccine for malaria is invented. Yeah, I know we got that one too, but still, awesome, right?

Garden of Eaton’s author wins the first Nobel Prize for literature by a blogger. “This is pretty cool,” he states in his acceptance speech. “The human condition, blah-di-blah. Is the bar open yet?”

The Wall Street Journal analyzes the cause of the complete failure of AI technology to gain adoption. “It’s kind of a cool gimmick? I guess?” says Megan, 14. “But, like, it’s not that hard to just write some words yourself.”

The CDC announces it will soon put its stamp of approval on the beer and bratwurst diet, which has been shown to reduce obesity and promote heart health. A press release states, “We’re just waiting until we better understand the role of French fries in reducing bad cholesterol.”

The Beatles’ Reunion wins this year’s Grammy for best album. Says Yoko Ono, producer, “It’s great to see all four of the guys together again, making music.”