On Crime, Punishment, Donald Trump, and Crystal Mason

The echoes of thirty-four jury pronouncements of “guilty” had scarcely died down on the evening of May 30 last, before the punditocracy started trying to answer the question on everyone’s mind: will former president Donald Trump be sentenced to jail time?

So far the experts’ answer has been generally “no.” The crime committed was the teeniest kind of felony (N.Y. State “class E”). The defendant has “no priors,” as they say on the cop shows. True, a jury previously found that he had sexually assaulted a woman and then loudly and publicly denied it, but that was a civil case, so it doesn’t count.

The law says that the judge may sentence him to anything from only probation to 34 consecutive terms of 4 years. Putting the man in jail for 136 years would at least keep the country safe from his plans to turn our government into a family business, and exact retribution on anyone who doesn’t publicly adore him, until more than halfway through the next century. It probably still wouldn’t be long enough to make this criminal reflect on his miscreant ways and become a useful member of society.

So what would a just and fair punishment be, one that tempers stern justice for the victims (you and me) with compassionate and humane treatment of the criminal? It would be five (5) years in prison. I call it, The Texas Way.

What was Donald Trump’s crime? Falsifying official records in order to subvert an election. Well, we have a “precedent,” as the legal types say, down here in Texas.

In 2016 a Black woman named Crystal Mason went to vote, in the very same election Donald Trump was trying to throw, in Tarrant County, Texas. And she did cast a ballot.  But she was legally ineligible to vote according to Texas law, since she was on “supervised release” after completing a prison sentence for tax fraud.

True, her vote hadn’t even been counted. The poll worker didn’t find her name on the rolls of eligible voters, so they gave Ms. Mason a “provisional” ballot, meaning that Ms. Mason would fill it out, and it would only count after the election authorities determined that she was eligible (which they never did). We don’t indulge in technicalities like that down here in Texas. She intended to vote, so…a court convicted her, and sentenced her to five years in prison.

So the two cases are practically identical, apart from the fact that one defendant is white, male, wealthy, and powerful, and the other is a Black, female nobody. And also that Trump’s actions may well have decided a close election, whereas Mason’s literally had zero impact. And also that Mason falsified one official document instead of thirty four. We don’t want to seem vindictive. If Crystal Mason’s crime deserved five years in prison, then the same sentence for Donald Trump is, if anything, quite lenient.

 Note: After fighting her conviction in the courts for six years, Crystal Mason’s conviction was recently overturned on appeal. The court found that it had no evidence that Mason knew she wasn’t eligible to vote, and the law she was charged with breaking requires intent. Unfortunately, that doesn’t apply to Mr. Trump. The judge in his case explained very carefully to the jury that intent was required, and even explained what the word meant.

Next week: Sing-Sing or Rikers Island?

Latest Updates: Results of Jury Decision on All 34 Counts of Trump Trial for Falsifying Business Records

Count                 Result

1.                         guilty

2.                         guilty

3.                         indubitably culpable

4.                         oh, totally

5.                         yep, he did it

6.                         most definitely

7.                         does a bear evacuate its bowels in a forested area?

8.                         guilty as sin

9.                         uh, yeah!

10.                       Mesdames et monsieurs, cet homme est coupable !

11.                       like, what part of he paid off a porn star he had sex with to keep quiet & wrote off the payment as a “legal fee” in order to keep the voting public from knowing what a pig he is do you fail to understand?

12.                       guilty of doing what Michael Cohen went to jail for saying he didn’t do

13-15                  guilty guilty guilty

16.                       yeah we know it might even help him get votes but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s GUILTY

17.                       guilty

18.                       see previous

19.                       被指控有罪

20.                       Even Melania knows he’s…guilty!

21.                       12 citizens brave and true from his own home town say…guilty!

22.                       We don’t have to keep saying “alleged” anymore!

23.                       Jail time or no jail time, he’s still…guilty!

24.                       You tellin me you never even met the broad? Whaddya think I am…stupid?!

25.                       The finest legal team that money can buy and still he’s…guilty!

26.                       Sure, he’s innocent. And Trump University was an institution of higher learning dedicated to ensuring a prosperous future for its student body

27.                       Duh!

28.                      Guilty, and considering you have yet to be sentenced, you might wanna tone down the judge-insulting business a little

29.                       Do we gotta keep doing this? The man is guilty as the day is long. And it has been a long, long day.

30.                       Even OJ couldn’ta got out of this one

31.                       Extra super-duper guilty

32.                       The next State of the Union Address might be from Ossining, NY

33.                       Guilty

34.                       Not guilty Guilty!

On Love, Beauty, Seagulls, and Ortolans

Anton Giulio Barrili’s short story “The Seagull” (from Men and Beasts: Tales of Summer, 1886) is now available in English

We invite you enjoy our new translation of Anton Giulio Barrili’s short story “The Seagull” (1886). We’d say more about it but…you should just go ahead and read it! Thanks as usual to my brother, the novelist and graphic artist Jonathan Bliss Eaton, for creating the artwork and hosting the story on his fiction website Corylus Press. Just click (or tap) the bird!

On Antisemitism, Blood Crimes, Pop-Tarts, and Barbie

Some members of the U.S. House of Representatives, including Matt Gaetz (R-Florida) and Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Georgia), recently opposed passage of a bill that would outlaw antisemitic speech on college campuses. Their objection was that the bill would have labeled as antisemitic their constituents’ treasured belief that Jews murdered Christ.

This is not simply a belief that some Jews, thousands of years ago, were behind the crucifixion, but that somehow all Jews, everywhere and forever, are collectively responsible, a belief that has been an essential pretext for the mistreatment and massacre of Jews since the Middle Ages. Never mind that a certain expert on matters biblical, some guy named Pope Benedict XVI, concluded a few years ago that “there is no basis in Scripture for the argument that the Jewish people as a whole were responsible for Jesus’ death.” The Hon. Rep. Greene apparently knows better than Mr. XVI. Maybe that’s why she left the Catholic Church.

For the record, Congresswoman, I never touched The Guy…I never even met Him!

When Roe v. Wade was overturned by a largely Trump-appointed Supreme Court, I was afraid that the new Republican Party was turning back progress in this country by fifty years. Now I fear it’s more like five hundred years.

What is the difference between a plain old movie director and an “auteur?” The past year has seen the release of two Hollywood comedies that lampoon the consumer culture of post-war, pre-Vietnam-protest baby-boom America: last summer’s Barbie from Greta Gerwing, and now, Jerry Seinfeld’s Unfrosted.

Unfrosted is the more wide-open of the two. It takes aim at a wide swath of pop-culture icons, from junk food to toys to physical-fitness mania, and the crass commercialism behind them. It’s humor is also broader and more irreverent. Barbie is much more thematically focused, on the doll industry and how it fed or subverted the self-image and aspirations of little girls.

So why is Barbie so wonderfully entertaining, while Unfrosted turns out lame and just dull?

Unfrosted is the most densely packed with top-shelf comic talent, including Seinfeld himself, Amy Schumer, and Melissa McCarthy in the lead roles, along with Jim Gaffigan whom, I confess, I just don’t get. (He tries to fill an awkward lane between straight man and comic buffoon, and ends up just taking up space.) Scores of recognizable funny faces playing the minor parts. But the continual succession of disconnected throwaway gags quickly grows tiresome. It’s as if the creators sat around in the writers’ room, discussed funny ideas, and decided to keep…all of them. As in some of Mel Brooks’ weaker films, you can see how some ideas may have sounded hilarious in the concept phase, but you wonder why they were kept when they clearly flopped in the finished product. A whole extended subplot about a living ravioli doesn’t make even comic sense and is just unfunny.

But unfunniest of all is a bit in the movie’s final stretch, involving cereal mascots, led by Tony the Tiger (Hugh Grant), who are on strike. They attack Kellog’s headquarters in an attempt to prevent the FDA “certification” of the Pop Tart. The underlying gag is that the attack mimics the January 6, 2021 riot in Washington, D.C. It’s unfunny, both in the lack-of-comedic-substance sense as well as in the cringe-inducing sense. It attempts no discernible sense of irony or biting commentary relating to the actual event, in which some rioters and the forces behind them actually tried to end our democracy, and in which people on both sides were killed. It’s just the January 6 riot…with cartoon characters. Ha ha!

Then what makes Barbie not only more endearing, more touching, but also more fun? Apart from sheer craftsmanship, I think it is because Barbie is ultimately about something or some things: important, painful, anxiety inducing things. The fear of death. A woman’s power to determine her own destiny. A little girl’s fear of not fitting in. The elusive nature of beauty. A man’s insecurity over losing his dominant position in society. All of the jokes along the way serve to work out these anxieties. And the great comedic talent employed in the film both serves and is served by that end.  I’m thinking in particular about Will Ferrell as the obtusely chauvinistic head of the Mattel corporation, and the brilliant Kate McKinnon as the unapologetically “weird” Barbie.

So now you know the difference between a movie director and an auteur. In this case, it’s the difference between Jerry Seinfeld and Greta Gerwig.

(Some friendly advice, however, to both Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Gerwig: when you want to portray our great country, even in parody, you might want to include some actual Black people.)

In Which We Put AI to the Test

Verdict: boooorrring!

Editor’s note: We decided to answer for ourselves the question, “Does AI make my blog obsolete?” Or more precisely, “Does AI make me obsolete by writing a blog as good as me?” So we asked ChatGPT to write its own post for this blog. We kept the prompt as neutral as possible, with one essential bit of direction: we included the URL, so that the AI engine could read our 200 or so existing posts to get an idea of what we write and how we write it. As far as we can tell, the AI engine completely ignored the content of our blog, but the URL name itself drove the generation of the post. Here is our prompt:

please write a blog post for https://gardenofeaton.home.blog

And here is the response, with our comments in brackets.

Title: Embracing the Green[?]: Cultivating Your Garden of Eaton: [actually kind of clever so far! What is a blog if not a literary kitchen garden?]

Welcome to the Garden of Eaton, where every leaf tells a story and every bloom whispers secrets of growth and renewal. [Ok, we get the metaphor already] Whether you’re a seasoned gardener [uh oh] or just beginning to dip your toes into the world of horticulture [the metaphor’s starting to look muddy], this blog is your sanctuary—a place to immerse yourself in the wonders of nature and discover the joy of cultivating your own patch of green paradise.

In our bustling modern lives, it’s easy to become disconnected from the natural world around us. Yet, there’s an undeniable allure to sinking your hands into the soil, feeling the earthy embrace of Mother Nature [hello, is eco-porn a thing?], and witnessing the miracle of life unfold before your eyes. That’s precisely what the Garden of Eaton is all about—a celebration of the beauty and serenity [agreed, yes!] found in nurturing plants [uhh…] and fostering a deeper connection with the world outside our windows. [close, but more like the world inside my head]

But why garden, you might ask? [oh, I do! Ask, I mean] The reasons are as varied as the petals on a daisy [have you ever seen an actual daisy? The @#% petals are all the same]. For some, it’s a therapeutic escape from the stresses of daily life, a chance to slow down and savor the simple pleasures of tending to living things. For others, it’s a form of creative expression, a canvas upon which to paint with vibrant colors and textures. And for many, it’s a sustainable way to source fresh, nutritious produce [in case the apocalypse comes and looters clean out the Giant] or create habitats for local wildlife.[True enough. Everything I ever planted basically turned into a caterpillar farm]

At the Garden of Eaton, we believe that gardening is more than just a hobby—it’s a way of life. It’s about fostering a deeper connection with the natural world, nurturing our environment, and reaping the bountiful rewards that come from working in harmony with nature’s rhythms. Whether you have a sprawling backyard or just a few pots on a windowsill, there’s a place for you in our community of green-thumbed enthusiasts. [Yawn!!]

So, what can you expect to find in the Garden of Eaton? From practical gardening tips and techniques to inspirational stories of fellow gardeners’ triumphs and challenges, we’re here to support you every step of the way on your journey to cultivating your own slice of Eden. Whether you’re interested in growing your own vegetables [not really], creating a pollinator-friendly garden [we have allergies, my digital friend] or simply adding a touch of greenery to your indoor space [they’re fine on the patio], we’ve got you covered.

But perhaps most importantly, the Garden of Eaton is a place of connection—a virtual gathering spot where gardeners from all walks of life can come together to share their passion, knowledge, and experiences. Whether you’re a novice looking for guidance or a seasoned pro eager to share your wisdom, you’ll find a warm welcome and a supportive community waiting for you here. [Well, okay…change “gardeners” to “people” and maybe you’re onto something…]

So, why not join us in the Garden of Eaton? Take a stroll through our digital pathways, linger awhile among the blooms, and let the spirit of growth and renewal inspire you to cultivate your own green oasis. After all, in the Garden of Eaton, there’s always room for one more seedling to take root and flourish. [Nice try, pal. Are you working for me here, or Hallmark?]

Academic Funding at the University of Texas: an essay in 4 photos

Business Management
Computer Science
Petroleum Engineering
Music, French, and Italian

Note: to be fair to the University of Texas, Homer Rainey Hall also includes a largish room on the second floor, taped to the door of which is a sheet of paper proclaiming “Center for Middle Eastern Studies.” (Ed.)

Luigi Pirandello on the state of Italian literature

Note: Luigi Pirandello wrote a four-part appreciation of the work of the novelist Alberto Cantoni, which was included with the publication of Cantoni’s novel L’illustrissimo (Most Illustrious) in 1905, a year after Cantoni’s death in 1904.

This is my translation of the first part of that tribute, in which Pirandello lays out what he sees as the stagnant condition of Italian letters at the turn of the twentieth century. –Steve Eaton, April 12, 2024

Translation copyright © 2024, Steve Eaton

Perhaps everyone knows the tale of the poor yokel who heard the parish priest say he couldn’t read, because he’d left his glasses at home. So he puts his brain to work and conceives the brilliant idea that knowing how to read depends upon a pair of glasses. Then of course the poor man goes to the city and walks into an optician’s shop, demanding, “reading glasses!”

But since not one pair of glasses manages to let the poor man read, the optician, sweaty, gasping, and out of patience after upending half of his store, asks him, “Look, do you even know how to read?”

To which the astonished yokel replies, “Oh, fine! And if I knew how to read, why would I need you?”

Well now. All those who think that in order to compose prose or poetry without any thoughts or feelings of their own, they simply need to start writing in someone else’s style, should have the courage and honesty of the poor country fellow. To the question, “Look, do you have anything of your own to say?” they should have the courage and honesty to reply, “Oh, fine! And if we really had something of our own to say, would we write like this, in someone else’s style?”

But I understand that this would really be asking too much. It would be enough if these types didn’t get too offended, when someone politely points out that while there’s no rule against the exercise of writing, or transcribing, in a certain style, the exercise means that they don’t have their own eyes, but rather a pair of glasses borrowed from someone else.

It’s been said that the imitative faculty of our native intelligence is superior to the inventive, that the entire history of our literature is basically nothing more than an endless succession of imitated styles.  In short–looking into it–we find quite a lot of eyeglasses and precious few eyes. And even those eyes are often not above, in fact are proud of, arming themselves with ancient classical lenses, to see in the style of Virgil, or Horace, or Ovid, or Cicero, who in their day had seen in the style of the Greeks. But at least these optical aids were fashioned at home by Madame Rhetoric,[1] who always kept her eyeglass shop in our neighborhood. And they passed from nose to nose, over many, many generations, until suddenly the cry was raised, “Gentlemen, let’s try for once to see with our own eyes!” We tried, but…well…we couldn’t see a thing. And that’s when the import of foreign glasses began.

Old history! And I wouldn’t have mentioned it if today we hadn’t actually arrived at the point where, if you want to gain the public’s favor, you need not so much your own pair of eyes, but rather a pair of glasses furnished by someone else, which make you see people and life in a certain style and a given type. Heaven help one anyone who scorns them and refuses to put them on, who persists in wanting to see people and life in their own way, from their own perspective; their vision, if simple, would be called bare, and if sincere, vulgar.

And the funny thing is that it’s precisely those who have the glasses and don’t realize it (or pretend not to) who preach that in art one absolutely must have eyes of one’s own, while opposing those who, for better or worse, use them. Because—let’s be clear—eyes of one’s own are fine; but they must be and see, in every way, like their eyes, which are actually eyeglasses, and if they fall off, good night!

One purchases these glasses, needless to say, in Paris. Its market for such goods has only recently turned international. It seems that the most renowned French factories are now in decline, and more than one has lost all credibility. It’s true that glasses, or rather monocles, from the Stendhal factory are still used by some of our men of letters; but the rest, who shop elsewhere, never pass up an opportunity to let them know that they’re damaging their eyesight, and that it’s time for them to shop elsewhere too. A pair of critical lenses, until recently highly recommended, for their, shall we say, idealistic virtue, came from the firm of Brunetière.[2] Without a doubt the lenses from various factories in nearby Belgium, Scandinavia, Russia, and Germany, which deposit their wares in France, are more in vogue. These are adopted in the greatest number by our men of letters, though they’re careful to insert two different panes in the frame, one Russian, let’s say, and one French, or rather one a Nietzschean concave, and the other an Ibsenist convex.[3]

The harm is this: that we, as much as want to believe the opposite, are still dominated by Rhetoric and still follow her rules and her precepts, without realizing it. And not only in literature, but in all the expressions of our lives. Rhetoric and imitation are fundamentally the same thing.

And the damage she causes in every age not only to our literature, but first to Latin as well and then, to a greater or lesser degree, to all the romance literatures, is incalculable. Rhetoric has almost always taught our poets what norms, what precepts should guide the construction of their works of art, as if the work of art was a formal argument. And it’s precisely Rhetoric’s fault, if all or almost all of our literary works have, in their patient diligence, in their rigorous composition, a discouraging air of familiarity. We do not have, for example, between one author and another, wide differences of personality, or obviously original forms, visions, and concepts, like English literature has. Almost all of our literature is arranged as if in a filing cabinet, belonging to Rhetoric: over here are the plays which—until Goldoni—all resemble each other, plays of classical imitation and commedia dell’arte;[4] over there are the chivalric romances, and so on. The Divine Comedy has always tormented the rhetoricians. Which drawer does it go in? Is it lyric, epic, dramatic, or instructive? You’d have to rip it up and scatter bits of it everywhere, in various drawers. And all the narrative literature, even of the most varied and diverse deeds, and all their descriptions, seem alike, precisely because Rhetoric has taught us how to narrate and describe this way, by genre, and how to architect the periods, the numerous Ciceronian periods.[5] But didn’t Rhetoric actually teach the poets how they should express feelings of love, how they should make love in verse? Oh yes! First, all of them followed the style of the Troubadours, who dictated the Laws of love, and then everyone followed Petrarch, their greatest heir. And for so many centuries of our literature, we have witnessed an infinite herd of love-smitten monkeys who go on a pilgrimage, sighing, to take the clear, cool, sweet waters of Laura’s serenader.[6]

Rhetoric is the one who not only approves, but recommends the imitation of every model she considers classical. And imitation was prized and honored by every writer, a testament to their high education, their high literary manners, to the obedient devotion to academic norms, to the rules defining beauty, or rather the beautiful, the good, and the true. To imitate; that is, not to have one’s own way of seeing, of thinking, of feeling; prized and honored. But why write, then?  Why restate in a timid voice what others have shouted? Why be a ghost and not a person? To have a parrot within, instead of a soul?

Nor has it stopped yet, unfortunately! First they imitated the classical writers, and now the foreigners. And still we hear, from time to time, a voice raised which advises a return to the ancients, as if art could renew itself by turning old, reverting itself, that is, and adapting itself to the ideals and needs of the life of an age now long distant; as if the ancients—as Goethe has already stated—hadn’t been new in their day, and we aren’t condemning ourselves to turn old by imitating them; as if the imitator isn’t denying himself, keeping himself by definition a step behind his own guide; as if, finally, it wouldn’t be better to affirm one’s own feelings, one’s own life. And even today, in our analyses which call themselves “critical,” we hear talk of form and content, as if form were a suit, more or less elegant, more or less fashionably tailored, of more or less fine cloth, for dressing a mannequin. And debates break out, for example, around theater, which we’re incapable of because we lack a living language, etc. etc. Analyses, debates, outdated and vain, made by Rhetoric in every age, which will be made forever, until it’s understood that we shouldn’t start from external laws that works of art are supposed to conform to. Rather we must discover the law that each work of art necessarily has within itself, the law that defines it and gives it character, in short, the law of its own life, if that work of art is indeed vital, a law which cannot be arbitrary, as free or capricious as it may seem. And we must see a work of imagination as a work of nature, as a living, organic creation, and as such we must study its birth, its development, and its qualities; we must see in it nature itself, serving as the instrument of human imagination in creating a superior, more perfect work, since it discards all that is common, obvious, and ephemeral, since it is more defined, simplified, living only in its ideal essence. One cannot speak of art in the abstract, since the essence of art lies in its particulars; and the critic may criticize only on one condition: that with each work they penetrate the soul of the artist, in other words, that they identify and reveal in each work of art the seed from which it’s born and grows, given its  temperament, its conditions, its behavior, in short the nature, the culture, and the temperament of the artist, as if they represent the landscape onto which the seed has fallen and the climate and the environment in which it has grown.

Two things are lacking, glaringly and most importantly, from our current literature: criticism and character. Two reasons, therefore, for which we lament the recent passing of a writer who possessed these two gifts, criticism and character, at the highest level: Alberto Cantoni.


[1] at home: that is, in classical Italy.

[2] Brunetière: the conservative Catholic critic Ferdinand Brunetière (1849-1906)

[3] one a Nietzschean concave, and the other an Ibsenist convex: concave lenses improve long-distance vision; convex lenses aid in seeing close-up objects.

[4] Goldoni…commedia dell’arte: Carlo Goldoni (1707-1793) was a popular and influential playwright of social comedies; commedia dell’arte refers to a popular form of semi-improvised comedy, including Punch-and-Judy type puppet shows, which originated in Italy in the sixteenth century.

[5] Ciceronian periods: “Latin, unlike modern languages, expresses the relation of words to each other by inflection rather than by position. Hence its structure not only admits of great variety in the arrangement of words, but is especially favorable to that form of sentence which is called a Period. In a period, the sense is expressed by the sentence as a whole, and is held in suspense till the delivery of the last word.” (Allen and Greenough, Latin Grammar)

[6] the clear, cool, sweet waters of Laura’s serenader: A woman named Laura was the object of many of the romantic poems by Petrarch (1304-1374). “Clear, cool, sweet waters” (“Chiare, fresche et dolci acque”) is the opening line of one of his love poems.

On Jennifer Croft’s Brilliant, Terrible Translation

Sometimes I get comments from readers of a story or novel I’ve translated, along the lines of, “I had to remind myself it was a translation.” This is meant as a high compliment, and I take it as such. Yet there’s something about it that makes me feel uneasy. It feels like being praised for denaturing the work of its originality, for taking a nice smelly Italian cheese and turning it into…Monterrey Jack. Ok, my version of someone else’s story didn’t slap the reader in the face and announce that it was a translation, but did it also convey the excitement, the wit, the tension of the original? Or does it avoid translatedness by reflecting all the pat phrases and cliches that have wormed themselves into my brain over a lifetime of reading good, bad, and (too often) indifferent English-language literature? Some of the anxiety comes from the nuts and bolts of the process. For example, if the author uses a word that appears strange, or mismatched to its context, is it because the author intends a strange or disorienting effect? Or is it just because the translator isn’t familiar with that particular usage? Am I supposed to aim for a strange and disorienting effect, or is the work better served if I find an alternative in English that “makes sense?”

These are some of the thoughts I had while reading Jennifer Croft’s hilarious new novel, The Extinction of Irena Rey, which is a novel within a terrible translation within a novel. As I read it, I had the giddy feeling one gets after starting a book and realizing that they’ve come across something entertaining, original, and new—the feeling I had in the past reading books with a unique voice, such as Wolf Hall, All the Pretty Horses, and Pale Fire (which I see as the closest thing to an ancestor of Croft’s book), works which bear both an exciting story and their own distinctive language.  

The conceit of the novel is that it is a translation of a novel, written in the form of a first-person memoir, about a group of translators from eight countries, who are gathered in the home of the Polish author they both idolize (literally) and depend upon for their living. They are there for a “summit” during which they are to translate into their eight native languages the latest masterpiece of the mysterious and dictatorial Irena, or “Our Author” (as they often refer to her), who may be on the verge of winning the Nobel Prize for literature.

The debacle of this summit is the heart of the story. And it often reads like a ludicrously bad translation, full of non-sequiturs and nonsensical descriptions. For example, a character who’s just been bitten by a snake “leaped back with a gruff and provocative howl.” Now, I don’t know what a gruff and provocative howl could possibly sound like, and it had me wondering what the words might have been in the original language. Wondering absurdly, since, firstly, I don’t know Polish, and secondly, Croft’s novel was actually written (I assume) in English.

But if this is (fictionally) a bad translation, it may be a willfully bad translation. The novel-within-the-novel is a thinly disguised memoir by one of the translators, Emi, Our Author’s Spanish translator. One of its main characters is Alexis, Our Author’s English translator. Emi tells us that Alexis is “the person I hated more than anyone in the world.” And Alexis is the translator of Emi’s novel, which we are reading.

Or perhaps it is an accurate translation of a terrible novel. After all, we are told that Emi has written the novel in Polish, not her native Spanish. Why exactly she wrote the novel in Polish and why she selected Alexis to translate it, or whether Alexis for some reason swiped it, is not clear. (The novel is prefaced by a brief “WARNING” from Alexis which I had to refer back to, to regain my readerly bearings.) As some of Alexis’ footnotes, dutifully marked “(Trans.),” make clear, she has no great affection for Emi, either.

The Extinction of Irena Rey functions in several ways at once. It is an effective satire of cozy ensemble mysteries of the “Ten Little Indians” variety; it is parody of bad writing in general, and especially of the omniscient, over-explaining style. (“Chloe opened her door to find us in this quasi-embrace, and I could feel her fighting not to raise her eyebrows….”) It deals with environmental degradation and the critical role of fungi in repairing and maintaining forest ecosystems. Its narrator Emi is an insecure, libidinous drama queen for the ages. Her antagonism towards Alexis is largely due to Alexis’ perceived attractiveness: “’Emi’s right,’ Alexis said and grinned at me. Her white glinting teeth were among my least favorite of her perfect features. It was terrible, too, when she agreed with me. It made it impossible for me to trust my own thoughts.”

Most interestingly for me, it examines the contradictory nature of literary translation, whose duty it is both to spread an author’s work into a new language and culture, while, in a way, obliterating the author’s identity. At one point Emi accuses Alexis of something like colonialist translation: “I knew that what she really wanted was to civilize Irena’s text, exactly as you would expect a U.S. usurper to do. She wanted to tidy it up by eviscerating it, make it essentially her own.” An ironic statement, since Croft herself is a highly gifted (American) translator of Polish, Ukrainian, and Spanish-language literature.

Above all, one has the feeling of reading something by a writer who loves language, words, and wordplay, and got a kick out of devising every sentence. Those sentences are packed with surprises, reversals, little jokes, and just plain information. Here are two of them, referring to a journal which has just pirated part of the unpublished novel that Emi and others are supposed to translate:

“The Bucharest Review was an achingly hip website without a print magazine that consisted of 70 percent white space, 25 percent prose in Akzidenz-Grotesk by authors without vowels in their names, and, now, 5 percent an extremely long excerpt from the magnum opus of Irena Rey. To reach it, you had to click on a photograph of a cast-iron skillet containing nine tiny critically endangered Macaya breast-spot frogs.”

Yes, Akzidenz-Grotesk is a font. Yes, Macaya breast-spot frogs are real, and really endangered. I couldn’t find a Bucharest Review. Croft’s story is crowded with tidbits that seem too fantastic to be true but on further (Wikipedial) inspection…like the species of mushroom that is poisonous, but only if consumed along with alcohol.

I recommend downloading the sample of this novel and checking it out. (If you can get past the “WARNING” without reading the rest, you’re stronger than I am.) I think it will be discussed and analyzed for a long time to come, but more importantly, it’s terribly funny, and written by someone who cares about writing.

Crime and Punishment, Revisited

I have a confession to make. Back in the 90’s I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The ticket was $210 dollars. It wasn’t like I couldn’t afford it, but it was enough to sting. I have done some illegal things in my life, but I never felt particularly bad about any of them, except for that one. It was just stupid. I wasn’t paying attention, and it would have been truly horrible if I’d injured or killed a kid on their way to school. So I paid the fine and figured I deserved the pain.

However, in light of recent events, I’ve been rethinking my feelings about that “crime”, and I’ve realized that I got it completely wrong. First of all, nobody got hurt. It was a victimless crime, if ever there was one. All of the kids made it safe and sound to school that day, and I’m sure it was a great day for them—it was probably pizza day in the cafeteria or something.

Second, it occurs to me now that those cops were out to get me. Otherwise, why would they have had that cop with his lidar on the exact route that I always took to work, on the exact day and hour I always went to work? There were thousands of other drivers speeding in school zones that day who didn’t get tickets. What about them? They don’t talk about them, because it was me they were after all along.

Everyone speeds. Everyone does it. But when I do it, I get a ticket for $210, and I didn’t even run over any kids. Not one kid. Okay, so if you run over a kid, then maybe you should have to pay $210—but why should I have to pay for kids I didn’t run over? I mean, if you think about it, they should pay me for all the kids I didn’t run over. They should pay me $210 for each kid that had a great day at school that day, ate really great pizza for lunch, and grew up to be a productive member of society because of me. That makes more sense.

Did you ever hear about that guy Schindler? I heard about this guy Schindler. I heard he saved some kids from the Nazis. Now, I know I’m not supposed to say anything nice about Nazis, so I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to say that whatever you think about the Nazis, they were strong. When they wanted to take a country, they took it, and no one could stop them. I mean, it would take, like, a hundred countries to stop them—that’s how strong they were. Very strong. So Schindler, they say he saved some kids from the Nazis. I don’t know why he had to save them, I guess these were the bad Nazis. I guess some Nazis were bad and didn’t like kids or something. Anyway, Schindler saved some kids from the bad Nazis, and what did they do? They planted a tree for him. Think about that. Schindler saves a few kids, and he gets a tree—I don’t run over any kids at all, even though I could have—I could have run over so many more kids than Schindler ever saved from Nazis in his whole life, but I didn’t—and I have to pay $250 for not running over any. If they planted a tree for Schindler, they should plant a forest for me.

But then I thought, what the hell do I want with a forest? And so I said, “What the hell do I want with a forest?” And they said, “Sir, you can use the wood.” “What for?” “Sir, you can make books out of the wood.” Did you know that? Did you know books are made out of wood? I know more about books than anyone, but I didn’t know books were made out of wood. It’s true. And then I said, “The Bible is a book, right?” And they said, “Sir, we never saw anyone catch on to books so fast! You could be a publisher!” But I said, “The Bible is a book, right?” And they said, “Yes, sir, the Bible is a book.” And I said “So I could take all those trees and make Bibles.” “Yes, sir. That’s genius, Sir. The Bible is the best-selling book in history. You could make a lot of money, Sir.” And I said, “What’s on the cover of the Bible?” And they said, “Sir, usually it just says The Bible on the cover.” And I said, “If they’re going to use my trees to make Bibles, I want my face on the cover.” And they said, “That’s genius Sir. You will sell more Bibles than anyone has ever seen.” And I said, “And a full spread of me naked in the middle.” And they said, “That’s genius, Sir.” And I said

On the real “March Madness”

I am afraid to linger over anything on my Facebook feed for more than about a second and a half. Otherwise I’ll be flooded with nothing but Nazi fighter planes and videos of crocodile vs. wildebeest. Three thousand years of Judeo-Christian-Greco-Roman-Rennaissance-Enlightenment-Romanticist-Realist-Impressionist-Modernist art and thought have come down to this. Crocodile vs. wildebeest.

If Donald Trump wins the election and institutes his police state, I’ll be in big trouble if anyone outside of close friends and family reads this blog. In other words, I’m perfectly safe.

Speaking of the Man from Queens Who Would be King, The Republican Party is now led by his personal ally and his daughter-in-law. Just when this country really needs the wicked old party of communist hating, petro-billions-backed, backroom cigar-smoking, bible-thumping, electoral-map-manipulating good ole boys to stand up for itself, it just rolls over and surrenders to some obnoxious yokel from New York. Maybe you can explain it to me.

Much ink has been virtually spilled recently over Joe Biden’s mental capacity. But what about the rest of us? According to a recent article in the New York Times, “Do Americans Have a ‘Collective Amnesia’ About Donald Trump?,” Americans are having trouble remembering all the awful things said and done by Donald Trump, from the “illegal immigrants are mainly drug dealers and rapists” announcement of his first presidential candidacy to his attempt to end the democratic experiment on January 6, 2021, and everything in between. Maybe the whole country should check in to a “memory center.” I think there’s a nice one in Sweden where you get to waltz with schoolchildren in the common room on Tuesday afternoons and on Sundays you can pet a baby goat.

And the Lord spake unto his (Republican) people: Lo, I give you a New Candidate, One who does not treat women as objects of random engropement, but is even a woman unto her own self; One who is not long in years, decrepit of posture, short-term of memory, and stumbling of speech but is youthful, slim of figure, straight of posture, healthy of mental and clear of diction; One who is not a bankrupted real-estate huckster but has spent a lifetime in Public Service; One who does not bow to kiss the hindquarters of foreign dictators but will kick them therein; Yea, one who is all these things, yet still the weaselly climate-change-denying conservative so beloved by you all. And her name is Nikki Haley. What say ye?

And the Republicans spake unto the Lord: “Nah.”

By the way, I happened to see the old film version of the musical “The Music Man” recently. It’s about a charming, seasoned con-artist who rolls into a sleepy little Iowa town. He dazzles its inhabitants with imaginary projects for bringing vitality and pride back to the moribund place, and extracts as much money as he can from the town for their completion. He plans to take the money and leg it before the hoax is revealed. But he tarries a bit too long. His past catches up with him, along with news of his swindles in other towns back up the road.  But in the end, it doesn’t matter; he’s seduced the town, figuratively and (in the form of the town librarian) literally. The town believes him because they want to believe him and the flattering lies he tells them about themselves.

I used to think this movie was pretty funny. Now…not so much!

The Mysterious Painted Trees of Northwest Austin

The Rainbow Tree of Bull Creek, photographed January 31, 2024

Perhaps 15 years ago I came across a strange and beautiful sight as I walked along a thickly wooded trail near my northwest Austin home: someone had painted a dead, gnarled old mountain cedar next to the trail a deep, lovely shade of blue. It wasn’t an elaborate paint job, but it had the look of a work by an artisan or at least an art student.

I should mention that this tree is not located on one of Austin’s well-trafficked marquee trails such as the Barton Creek trail or the one that follows Ladybird Lake downtown. No, this artifact was found on what is basically an old game trail that winds back and forth through what is probably private property, on a hillside too steep to develop, between a bedroom community above and a highway below. It seemed to me that someone had painted the tree, not to get themselves noticed, but for the pure joy of expression.

Over the next few years, time and weather wreaked their damage on the little dead tree, and the blue became faded and patchy. Then one day on my trek I saw that the tree had been repainted, this time in a beautiful palette of various blues and violets.

But this only delayed the work of the greatest vandal of all, mother nature, probably helped along by passersby snapping off a souvenir here and there. The last time I saw the blue tree, it was just a gnarled gray splintery stump with a few colored blotches here and there.

I imagined that whoever had painted that tree was likely long gone. So I was delighted to see another dead old mountain cedar today, further along the trail, beautifully painted in all colors of the rainbow. Of course I have no way of knowing whether the same hands responsible for the blue tree are behind the rainbow tree. It could be a case of copycat artistry.

I’m not going to reveal the location of the tree. (Although if you like to hike along all the trails that wind in, around and across Bull Creek, you’ll eventually come across it.) And I’m not going to Google it, to find out if someone has claimed responsibility or identified the artist. I’d rather let the mystery be.

But to whoever did this…thank you. It’s lovely.

Once Upon a Time in Bergemoletto

We invite you to read our translation from the Italian of Cesare Cantù’s short story “The Avalanche” (“La valanga”), first published in 1836. Hosting and artwork provided by my brother, the novelist and short-story author Jonathan Eaton, on his website Corylus Press.