Category: Uncategorized

And the Runner-Up Is…

Our guide to the contestants, er, candidates for Donald Trump’s running mate

Satan

Pro: Brings 6,000+ years of experience in evildoing to Blair House

Con: Will always be in Dick Cheney’s shadow

Mike Pence

Pro: No dignity left to lose

Con: In danger of evaporating into nothingness

Alex Jones

Pro: So awful, he makes Trump look like a decent human being

Con: Might get all the attention

Vladimir Putin

Pro: If anything happens to the president, ready to be dictator on day 1

Con: Secret Service will have to keep a close eye on presidential teacups, doorknobs and underwear

Mitt Romney

Pro: Would be a solidly conservative yet thoughtful and moderating influence on the president

Con: Would get fired by dinnertime on Inauguration Day

Mickey Mouse

Pro: Now in the public domain; requires no salary or Secret Service detail

Con: The shirtless, white-gloved mouse with the high-pitched voice might be a little too “funny” for Southern and rural voters

Lindsey Graham

Pros: Fun to bully and humiliate on a daily basis

Cons: Is theoretically capable of growing a backbone at any moment

Melania Trump

Pro: Unlike her husband, keeps her mouth mercifully shut most of the time

Con: Melania 2028?

Our Pick for Donald Trump’s Running Mate in 2024: Donald Trump

Pro: No one loves Donald Trump more than Donald Trump

Con: Hard to incite a mob and de-certify an election at the same time

On Donald Trump and the Fourteenth Amendment

In which we try once again to heal the divide

No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may, by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.—complete text of section 3 of the 14th amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America

I, Donald John Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me God.—Donald Trump, January 20, 2017

All Vice President Pence has to do is send it back to the states to recertify and we become president and you are the happiest people.—Donald Trump, speech to supporters on January 6, 2021

In the Committee’s hearings, we presented evidence of what ultimately became a multi-part plan to overturn the 2020 Presidential election. That evidence has led to an overriding and straight forward [sic] conclusion: the central cause of January 6th was one man, former President Donald Trump, whom many others followed. None of the events of January 6th would have happened without him. –Final Report of the Select Committee to Investigate, page 8, “Executive Summary”

The text [of the Constitution] is the law, and the law must be observed.—Antonin Scalia

There has been much hand-wringing in the media lately over whether the Supreme Court of this republic will or will not allow states to strike Donald Trump from their Republican primary ballots, based on the clause in the U.S. Constitution which bars anyone from federal or state office if they have previously incited rebellion or sedition. If the Court decides in the states’ favor, he can presumably be struck from an eventual presidential election ballot as well.

If Trump is disqualified, the hand wringers opine, the whole election process will be delegitimized in the eyes of the American people, and there will be riots in the street. (Though perhaps not all streets. I think we’ll be fine here in Austin, for example, though there may be riots of joy on 6th Street, unless Governor Abbott deploys the Texas National Guard to suppress them.) Therefore (the logic goes) Trump should be kept on the ballot, and the decision as to whether he will be our next president left to the American people. Oh, I how I wish that could be!

It’s interesting that so many pundits are discussing whether Trump could or should be disqualified. But no one has asked whether the law allows Trump to run. This seems strange to me, since the Constitution is quite clear. It’s against the law for Donald Trump to be re-elected president.

The law says that someone who once swore to uphold the constitution and then incited an insurrection cannot hold any civil or military office in the United States. It doesn’t say ‘might not,’ ‘could not,’ or ‘should not.’ It says shall not.

And Donald Trump did swear to uphold the Constitution on January 20, 2017, before Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, a crowd of thousands, and a television audience of millions.

And Donald Trump did incite an insurrection. That is the conclusion of the bipartisan House committee that investigated the matter, a conclusion that presented copious amounts of explicit evidence, and was signed by, among others, the committee vice-chair, the impeccably conservative Liz Cheney, representative of the blood-red state of Wyoming.

I only mention the committee’s report in case you slept through January 6 2021, and missed some of Trump’s remarks before a rabid, adoring crowd, in which he openly mused that “all [Vice President Pence] has to do” is allow states to “recertify” the, you know, votes of the people. After which he was conspicuously unconcerned when the same howling mob threatened to hang his vice president for not following his casual suggestion.

So unfortunately there’s no room for interpretation. The law does not permit Trump to hold any civil or military office in the land, let alone President of the United States and Commander-in-Chief of its mighty armed forces. It looks like riots in the streets are unavoidable.

But hold on one measly Mar-a-Lago minute! The framers of the 14th Amendment, in their wisdom, gave us a way out, a way that allows for common sense and forgiveness to have their say. The amendment states that even a villainous, seditious, rabble-rousing, fearmongering megalomaniac like Donald Trump can be allowed to hold office again if a two-thirds majority of both the House and Senate vote to make it so.

So I call upon Mike Johnson, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, to act now and invoke section 3 of the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution to “remove” the “disability” which prohibits Trump from being president of the United States or postmaster of Peoria. Once the hon. Representative from Louisiana explains to his chamber how vital another Trump presidency would be to the health of this Republic, he’s sure to get all the Republican votes and enough Democratic ones to assure the two-thirds majority.   And then, it only has to pass the Democratic-controlled Senate by the same margin. And why would the Senate want to block the candidacy of a man who has openly attempted to destroy the republic?

So get on the stick and call a vote, Sen. Hakeem Jeffries. Because barring Trump from the ballot would be divisive. And no one heals divisions better than a would-be dictator.

Goodbye 2023

It is an interesting and terrifying intellectual exercise to imagine what this country might look like this time next year. It is quite possible that we will freely elect, as our nation’s leader, a man who once tried to become a dictator, and who has quite openly declared his intention to be a dictator if he takes office again. And that we would elect him, not because we think he doesn’t mean it, but because we really want our liberty to be replaced with tyranny.

Trump stated that he would only be a dictator “on day one.” What he meant by that is that he would illegally force what he considers necessary reforms on the nation, and then go back to following the rules the next day.

Anyone who believes that a one-day dictatorship is a possibility hasn’t read any history books. Anyone who thinks that it wouldn’t be so bad doesn’t understand what “dictator” means. Anyone who thinks that Trump doesn’t really mean it has a very short memory.

What Hamas did in southern Israel was horrific and not remotely justified by anything in Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the occupied territories. What Israel is doing now in Gaza is horrific and not remotely justified by anything Hamas has done.  It is collective punishment on a massive scale. Israelis are traumatized and rightly enraged by what Hamas did on October 7. That must not stop America from using every diplomatic, political and material lever at our disposal to stop our ally Israel from making more Palestinian civilians suffer and die.

It is appalling to me to see that our government’s support for Ukraine is flagging. Politicians try to justify material support for Ukraine and Taiwan as being in our “national security interest.” I think that is a rather abstract argument, and somewhat dishonest. If Putin’s tanks rumbled through Kiev and enormous portraits of Chairman Mao adorned the Taipei 101 building, I don’t believe the safety of American citizens would be affected, or even that our economy would suffer much damage. I think we should support Ukraine and Taiwan because it’s always the right thing to help a democracy survive against a tyrannical aggressor. And we’re not talking about sacrificing American lives (or at least not great numbers of U.S. ground forces), but just tax dollars. Why is that such a hard sell?

This post may not be insightful, eloquent, or exciting, but at least it is entirely composed by a human being, without the aid of an AI engine. Really, I swear.

Does it matter? I think so, but I’m not sure why.

Speaking of AI, I’ve noticed a new, unpleasant phenomenon lately. We went to have lunch at a restaurant we like, not only for its food, but for its pleasant, cozy ambience. There would be jazz ballads or bossa nova chestnuts playing softly in the background. And so on a recent visit I heard some piano jazz ballad playing in the background. Something soothing: a slow-striding rhythm on the bottom and lush chords or scale runs on top. It sounded like the long improvisational interlude in the middle of a jazz standard. As we waited for our food to arrive, I listened and waited for the music to resolve itself into something like “I Get Along Without You Very Well” or “Blame it on My Youth.” But it never resolved into any melody at all. It just went on and on and on, a pleasant-ish and never-repeating string of chords and runs.

Now, I was probably the only one in the joint actually listening to the sound coming over those little speakers in the ceiling. It was intended to be just background music, after all. But having started, I couldn’t stop hearing it. And getting pretty creeped out.

I’ve become an unwilling student of teeth in old movies. It started a few years ago when I watched the Disney chestnut Old Yeller. In this brightly hued Technicolor presentation, I found myself annoyed and distracted by Dorothy McGuire’s conspicuously yellow teeth. George C. Scott’s grin as the title character in Patton is a suitable death’s-head gray. The film version of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum is in a class all by itself. The comedy relies largely on close-ups of the slave Pseudolus, played by Zero Mostel, mugging for the camera. Mostel appears to have subsisted on candy, cigarettes and coffee, without the benefit of regular dental care.  (Fairness compels me to state that I do not have a marquee smile. My lower teeth in particular comprise a periodontally healthy but unaesthetic yellow jumble.)

After one publishes a novel (or, as in my case, a translation of someone else’s), one is initially worried about getting negative reviews. Or only getting positive reviews from personal acquaintances to whom you’ve sent a free copy. Then a couple of weeks go by. And a month. And one day you’d be grateful even for a negative review from the dentist you gave a free copy to.

12 Reasons Why I Should be the [party name here] Nominee for the Next President of the United States of America

1. After my second term ends in January 2033 I will still be well under 80 years of age. So that right there!

2. I have never been convicted or even indicted for any crime, okay once I was stopped for going 45 in a 30 mph zone but even that was totally bogus.

3. If I stood in the middle of Times Square and shot someone I would definitely go to jail for a very long time. But here’s the deal: I never would. Even if you like held my family hostage and forced me to I would still aim for the shoulder or something.

4. The only thing I ever got from a billionaire? Kicked out of the member’s only clubhouse. It was a hot day and all I wanted was a drink of water and a place to go pee.

5. Do any other candidates have a patent? I do: U.S. Patent 7,836,140 B2 (look it up!) Sure, there are a bunch of names on it, but it was totally my idea!

6. I’m a certified ESL (English as a Second Language) instructor. That means I can communicate with anyone…even those idiots in Congress!

7. I would be really easy on the White House budget. The menu for a state dinner? What’s on sale at Costco? Frozen salmon, flank steak, whatever. Those chickens they got already roasted are nice. Along with those little potatoes you can just cook in the microwave. But no liver!  

8. (Can’t think of anything)

9. I like long walks and dinners by candlelight.

10. All the stupid, embarrassing stuff I did happened before cell phones and YouTube.

11. You can’t bribe me. A while ago I gave up my Kawasaki 650 Ninja motorcycle. After that, there’s really nothing I want bad enough to betray my country for.

12. I love this country and every son of a bitch in it!

September Sentiments: the Bad, the Old, and the Rockin’

I’ve been loosely following the impeachment trial of Texas’ top cop, Attorney General Ken Paxton. He is accused, among other things, of using state resources to accommodate and cover up an extramarital affair, and firing members of his staff who raised objections. He’s trying to shrug off the accusations as left-wing propaganda, but that’s becoming pretty difficult given the solid conservative credentials of some of the witnesses against him, including a retired Texas Ranger. In Texas, being publicly accused of misdeeds by a Texas Ranger is like a warrior in the Iliad, in the middle of a fight, getting the scales tipped against him by an angry god.

I’m no fan of Paxton but it’s hard not to feel sympathy for his wife, who as a member of the Texas state senate has to sit through these hearings and hear the details of her husband’s imbroglios, while journalists watch her intently for any reaction. I was initially glad to hear that she had recused herself from actually voting on the impeachment conviction, but I’ve changed my mind. I think she should have the right to vote on her husband.

A lot of virtual ink has been spilled lately on the matter of Joe Biden’s age and health. Democrats are evidently worried that Biden’s stiff gait and mumbling speech will turn voters away from him on election day. If that’s true, I fear for the intelligence of my fellow Americans. Does it make sense to vote for Donald Trump over Joe Biden because the former is (or appears to be) healthier? Why would I vote for a robust monster over a frail statesman? I would vote for a comatose Biden over a decathlete Trump. For that matter, I would gladly vote for a rock or a cow patty over Trump. No cow patty ever tried to subvert our democratic institutions in order to stay in power.

If the single “Angry” is representative of the album, I’m not impressed by the Rolling Stones’ new album Hackney Diamonds. But I respect them for taking the trouble to develop new material instead of resting on their enormous and well-deserved musical laurels.

The accompanying music video uses special effects to make it appear that various younger (sexier, glamorouser) versions of the Stones are performing the piece. Why did someone think that was necessary? Never mind, I know.

My advice: Ken: quit. Mick and Joe: keep on truckin’.

Librarians of Texas: Ban These Books

Dangerous Literature

Last year saw more requests to ban books in public schools and libraries in the U.S. than any other year….Texas led the nation with 93 attempts to restrict access to 2,349 book titles…. The most challenged book in Texas last year was Toni Morrison’s Nobel Prize-winning novel “The Bluest Eye.” Texas Standard, “Texas had the most book challenges of any state last year, according to the American Library Association,” 9/8/2023

Dear librarians of Texas,

I need to warn you about two dangerous books that must be kept out of our public libraries. For the moment, our readers are safe: no library in the state carries either one. Whew! Let’s keep it that way! Just like Fentanyl, these books deliver an addictive, highly pleasurable substance (suspenseful, witty narrative fiction) with an affordable street price ($20.00 for the paperback, $9.99 for the Kindle edition). If these titles are allowed to hit the street, they could spread across the state like a painful heat rash!

The first book, The Priest’s Hat, was written by a foreigner, the Italian novelist Emilio De Marchi. He has absolutely no interest in upholding the traditional family values of today’s Texas, since he’s been dead for over a hundred years.  

What makes this book so dangerous? Right there on page 31 of the paperback edition a guy gets killed! Dead! With a crowbar! For money! And the reader has to read all the way to the end of the book to see if the killer gets caught! Is that the kind of world you want your readers to imaginatively inhabit?

You want to know the sad part? This made-up literary menace would never have threatened decent American readers if the novel hadn’t been translated by me and my co-translator and published last month by Italica Press (Bristol and New York). But it was never supposed to harm the Texas reading public. It was only meant to be used for myself and my coven (or “book club”) for midnight readings and discussions of the verismo movement in Western literature.

The other book, my translation of Gaetano Savatteri’s fictionalized examination of a Mafia assassination in post-war Sicily, A Conspiracy of Talkers (Italica, 2021), is even worse. Someone gets killed in the very first sentence! And two people are described as having sex even though they are definitely not married (pp. 96-99. Or if you have the Kindle version, just search on “nipple.”)! The only American character in the novel is into Dante, and we know all about that guy. He wrote two whole books about hell!

I’m not saying you shouldn’t acquire these books. How is the public supposed to stay safe if they don’t know about the danger? Order your copies today (we suggest the handsome hardcover edition) and display them prominently (but behind the counter!) on your Dangerous Forbidden Literature shelf, so we know what not to order on Amazon. Along with, you know, Nobel-prize winning novels like Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye.

More Sure-Fire Clickbait

You can fill in the rest…

What the experts say you should always put on macaroni. (Hint: it’s not cheese!)

Experts say you should never jump off a cliff. Here’s why.

I ate spicy chorizo nachos for lunch. Then this happened…

That hairless chihuahua you’re petting may not be what you think it is!

The one weird thing that James Mason and James Madison have in common…

A Danish prince started digging into his father’s death. What he discovered next will shock you!

The way you walk is probably killing you…

The one thing preventing you from being happy (Hint: it’s not what you think!)

Why extraterrestrials visited Arkansas…and decided to leave!

You can make tons of easy money at home, as long as you don’t mind…

The one food that will cure your condition (Hint: it’s not artichokes!)

If you have a valid credit card handy you need to read this now!

The Best of All Possible Worlds

The multiverse is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes that comprise all of reality —Wikipedia

Editor’s note: Based on our extensive research into quantum physics, we learned that an infinity of realities exist, one for every possible outcome of every event in the universe. We recently sent our science correspondent on a mission to find the best possible universe in existence and to report back on what she found. Here are highlights from her report:

A college basketball star goes on to devote his life to medical research and soon invents a drug that tastes like salted caramel and cures all forms of cancer. After he donates the patent to the World Health Organization, the Nike corporation rewards him with a billion-dollar endorsement for a shoe called “Dr. Jordans.”

A wealthy real-estate developer’s plan to run for president of the United States is derailed when he is jailed for a fraudulent “educational” scheme called “Trump University.” In response to his plea for a pardon, President Christie states, “Umm…nah.”

NATO forces, led by the United States, easily drive Russian forces from Ukraine a few days after Vladimir Putin’s ill-advised invasion. “Russia’s got a big army,” states the American secretary of defense, “but their equipment is obsolete and their training is a joke. Thank goodness they never figured out how to make the bomb!”

17 years after the documentary An Inconvenient Truth convinced American politicians of all political stripes that global warming represented a planetary existential crisis that required immediate action, the planet cools back down to its pre-industrial age baseline. To tell you the truth, it’s a little chilly in the morning.

The summer blockbuster movie 12 Years a Slave is a box office bust. The alternative-history dystopian epic, set in a fictional 19th century America in which the enslavement of Black people is tolerated, was seen as too unrealistic. “We’re supposed to believe that you could treat somebody so horrible just because of their skin color?” asked one disappointed movie-goer. “Yeah, right! And maybe we should pay some people less just because they’re women!”

Millions of lives are saved when a vaccine for malaria is invented. Yeah, I know we got that one too, but still, awesome, right?

Garden of Eaton’s author wins the first Nobel Prize for literature by a blogger. “This is pretty cool,” he states in his acceptance speech. “The human condition, blah-di-blah. Is the bar open yet?”

The Wall Street Journal analyzes the cause of the complete failure of AI technology to gain adoption. “It’s kind of a cool gimmick? I guess?” says Megan, 14. “But, like, it’s not that hard to just write some words yourself.”

The CDC announces it will soon put its stamp of approval on the beer and bratwurst diet, which has been shown to reduce obesity and promote heart health. A press release states, “We’re just waiting until we better understand the role of French fries in reducing bad cholesterol.”

The Beatles’ Reunion wins this year’s Grammy for best album. Says Yoko Ono, producer, “It’s great to see all four of the guys together again, making music.”

Coming Soon…Tiny-Hands Luke

VOICEOVER: In a world where everything is a lie…

SCENE: Court room

JUDGE: Does the defendant have anything to say before sentencing?

VOICEOVER: …only one man knows the truth…

TRUMP: I’m not sorry, your honor…because I didn’t do anything wrong!

VOICEOVER: They sent him to a place some call Georgia…and some call…hell on earth!

SCENE: Dirt road in rural South. White bus passes under archway with sign: Georgia State Correctional Farm. CUT to front stoop of prison HQ.

WARDEN [Looking at file] Now it says here that you was elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Yessir.

WARDEN: And then you lost the re-election, denied the results, got yourself impeached for the second time, and got arrested for trying to overthrow the democratic process!

TRUMP: No, I’m sorry, I have to stop you there, that’s completely wrong, I actually won the election, and it’s the leftwing mainstream media and their buddies in the illegal weaponized justice department who conspired to rig the results because they can’t stand…

WARDEN: [turning to PRISON GUARD] Jesus Christ in a jumpsuit, does this guy ever shut up?

PRISON GUARD: No boss, he’s been going on like that ever since we picked him up. We think he might be …a few votes shy of a simple majority, if you know what I mean…

VOICEOVER: To the system, he wasn’t a man…he was inmate P01135809!

SCENE: A row of inmates stands knee deep in a swamp, overseen by a GUARD on horseback.

GUARD: Now someone done told me…that y’all been itchin’ to drain the swamp! [Tosses a bucket in front of prisoner TRUMP] Well, go ahead then…drain it!

[CUT TO later. Exhausted prisoners are now standing on dry ground.]

TRUMP: We drained the swamp, boss, just like you said!

GUARD: Fine, that’s just fine. Just heard from the warden, boys…he wants you to fill it up again!

VOICEOVER: One man…and his loyal friend…

SCENE: Prison cafeteria. INMATE sits at steel table across from TRUMP. Next to Trump sits a SAD LITTLE MAN

GIULIANI: Hey, could I have a couple of those French fries?

TRUMP: No. [TO INMATE] So what are you in for?

INMATE: Multiple homicides. You?

TRUMP: Attempting to subvert an election.

INMATE: You stay away from me. Who’s your friend?

TRUMP: He’s not my friend.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I used to be mayor of New York!

TRUMP: Shut up. [to INMATE] It’s all a witch hunt, anyway. I didn’t do anything wrong but they got me on that stupid RICO law.

GIULIANI: My name is Rudy. I invented RICO!

TRUMP and INMATE: Shut up!

INMATE: So how long are you in for?

SIDNEY POWELL: Not long. We got a plan to get him out of here.

TRUMP: Dammit, Sidney, stop doing that, you’ll give me a heart attack! How’d you get in here anyway? This is a guys’ prison!

POWELL: I just showed up uninvited. Like your staff meetings!

TRUMP: You know, the guys in here really aren’t so bad. When you’re famous they’ll let you do anything. You can kiss ‘em, you can grab ‘em by the…

VOICEOVER: Imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, the world forgot him…until one day…

SCENE: [THOMAS mansion, the morning room]

CLARENCE: Honey, would please pass the albino sturgeon caviar…

GINNI: Yes dear, as soon as you stop hogging the Château Lafite Rothschild ’64.

CLARENCE: No reason to get snippy, my little Tea-Party titmouse, there’s more in the cellar…[frowns at the newspaper in his hands] I say, my love, have you seen this? It appears that our persecuted heroic friend has suffered a cruel criminal conviction which I’m sure can be overturned using some obscure legal technicality!

GINNI: Like, he sincerely believed the election was rigged!

CLARENCE: That’s pretty lame…

GINNI: Well I sincerely thought the election was rigged… are you calling me lame, dearest?

CLARENCE: In accordance with my rights as a citizen, as set forth in the 5th amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America…

VOICEOVER: Only a miracle could save him…

SCENE: [Warden’s office] Well, number P01135809, looks like your lucky day has arrived. I got a telegram here from up in Washington, DC. Guess we gotta let you go. You done been re-elected president of the Intire United States of America!

TRUMP: Great. You’re fired, by the way.

WARDEN: Hurry up and get your things, there’ll be one a them stretch limos at the gate, with Melania and that Ye feller and who knows who inside, and Tucker Carlson getting’ a big ole stiffie just waitin’ for the exclusive interview, and…hey, where you think you goin’?

TRUMP: I gotta get out of here, the people are waiting for me!

WARDEN: No they ain’t! Joe Biden beat you worse than the Georgia Bulldogs are gonna beat the Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks in this year’s season opener! Which in case you don’t follow college football, means real bad! I just wanted to see the expression on your face! Guard, take this ole pile of perpetrations back to the hole!

On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”: an Update

Some of our longtime faithful readers may vaguely remember a post in these from pages way back in October 2021, entitled On Lady and the Tramp and “Pallino and Mimì”. In that post we laid out the case for claiming that the story told in the beloved Disney animated film Lady and the Tramp (1955) was stolen from the Pirandello short story “Pallino e Mimì.” I invited fans of the movie to make up their own minds by reading the story, but at the time, there was no way for English readers to do so: the story only existed in the original Italian.

Until now! The Stories for a Year project, which aims to post English translations of each and every one of Pirandello’s 250+ stories from various translators, has posted “Pellet and Mimì,” the co-translation of “Pallino e Mimì” by me and my friend Vanessa Fanelli (now Dr. Fanelli, Ph.D. of UT-Austin). Follow the link to read this delightful (if ultimately rather grim) story and let us know…do you think Disney ripped it off?

My thanks for Lisa Sarti and Michael Subialka for editing, hosting, and posting this story, and for their effort to make it and the rest of Pirandello’s wonderful short stories freely available to English-language readers.

On Emilio De Marchi’s The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete, 1887)

Editor’s note: Italica Press has just published our new translation of Emilio De Marchi’s crime thriller The Priest’s Hat (Il cappello del prete), which we shamelessly promote in this post. The following is an excerpt from our introduction to the novel. If you’re looking for a ripping yarn, we invite you to enjoy this novel in paperback or e-reader. (Currently only the paperback and hardcover versions are available; we expect the Kindle edition to appear shortly.) The following is an excerpt of our introduction to the novel. The novel’s first chapter is freely available on its Amazon page.

The 1887 edition of the British magazine Beeton’s Christmas Annual featured a complete novel by a hitherto unknown writer named Arthur Conan Doyle, A Study in Scarlet. The novel introduced the world to an eccentric “consulting detective” named Sherlock Holmes, as described by his friend, Dr. John Watson.

Earlier that same year, mysterious posters had appeared on the streets of Milan showing only an enormous black priest’s hat. At about the same time, a drawing of a black tricorn hat started showing up in the pages of the Milan daily Italia, first without explanation and later with the caption, Il cappello del prete (The Priest’s Hat). This turned out to be the title of a novel by the 36-year-old Milanese writer Emilio De Marchi. It would appear in that paper in June and July of that year, in 43 installments.[1] The following year it appeared in the Naples daily Corriere di Napoli and in book form. 

Conan Doyle’s detective became enormously popular and has remained so among readers and cinema-goers all over the planet. De Marchi’s work, though a popular success in Italy, never really broke through to the English-speaking world — although a translation was published in the U.K. in 1935.[2] Even in Italy today it is relatively unknown.

That is a shame, because The Priest’s Hat is endearing, suspenseful, moving, and wickedly funny. Loosely based on Count Alessandro Faella’s murder of the priest Virgilio Costa in Imola in 1881, The Priest’s Hat portrays the aging Neapolitan playboy Carlo Coriolano, the last baron of the once wealthy and powerful Santafusca clan. After squandering his inheritance, he is unable to support his taste for wine, women, cigars, and gambling. He is banned from his club and dependent on his loyal, long-suffering housekeeper for pocket change. And if he doesn’t soon repay a loan that he “borrowed” from an orphanage he administers, he’ll go to jail. But the baron of Santafusca hits upon a scheme that he thinks will neatly solve all of his problems: he will lure a greedy old priest, Don Cirillo, to his crumbling, mortgaged ancestral estate outside of Naples. The priest, who plans to buy the estate on the cheap from the desperate baron and then sell it at a huge personal profit to the archbishop of Naples, will be carrying a thick bundle of cash. The baron can kill him and dispose of the body on the grounds of his secluded villa. With the cash stolen from the priest, he can pay back his debt, stay out of jail, get his villa out of hock, and resume his life of elegant dissipation.

It’s no spoiler to say that he carries out his plan since, as in Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment (1866), the murder takes place near the start of the story, and we know who done it. The suspense comes in Santafusca’s struggle to overcome his own fits of panic and dimly realized pangs of guilt and keep his sordid deed a secret.

Dostoevsky’s Raskolnikov kills to prove to himself that he is above the common man in intelligence and courage. The baron of Santafusca, however, has no doubt of his superiority. It entitles him to kill to save himself from penury and public humiliation. He shares his name, Coriolano — or Coriolanus in English — with an ancient Roman aristocratic general, famously portrayed by Shakespeare, who held the plebeian classes in contempt. But the baron’s minor mistakes and oversights threaten to undo his perfect crime — as does a certain sinister-looking hat that keeps popping up in the most inconvenient places.

De Marchi proposed The Priest’s Hat as something like a bet among the Milanese intelligentsia. Italian newspapers of the time printed highly popular novels in serial form as supplements. These were usually translations of crowd-pleasing English or French novels and were considered lowbrow trash by Italy’s intellectuals.

In his brief forward to the novel’s publication in book form in 1888, De Marchi writes that “This is not at all an experimental novel, but an experiment with a novel, and should be taken as such.” He gives two reasons for writing it: firstly, to show that one needn’t go to France for a decent serialized novel “of moral benefit and common sense,” and that instead “we” (Italians) could “look to ourselves” for such a work; secondly, to show that the taste of the Italian reading public was being underestimated and underserved by the large Italian dailies and was deserving of a work of “vitality and honesty and reason.” He concludes his remarks by stating, “L’arte è cosa divina; ma non è male di tanto in tanto scrivere anche per i lettori.” — Art is a thing divine; but it doesn’t hurt, once in a while, to write something for the readers, too.

Thus he wrote this story for you, and my collaborator Cinzia Russi and I hope you enjoy it as much as we have.

[1] For the facts related to the writing and initial publication of The Priest’s Hat, I rely heavily on Renzo Cremante’s excellent introduction to the BUR classici moderni edition of Il cappello del prete (Milan: RCS Libri S.p.A., 2015).

[2] Emilio De Marchi,  The Priest’s Hat, translation by F.A.Y. Brown (London: Heath Cranton Ltd., 1935).

Georgia Chain Gang Song (Twelve Thousand Votes)

Lyrics copyright © Steve Eaton 2023

(Editor’s note: once more we receive a dispatch from our Near Future desk correspondent. Searching the backwaters of the Deep South for authentic American folk songs, our reporter encountered, one hot July morning in 2024, a work gang from the Georgia state prison farm driving railroad spikes. Leading the crew in song was a large convict in a prison jump suit and long red tie. Our correspondent recorded his song.)

Well back in 2020 (hah!)

Just past election day (huh!)

In the southern state of Georgia (hah!)

Votin’ didn’t go my way (huh!)

I said to my boy Meadows (hah!)

Please put me on the line (huh!)

Cause I got to talk to Georgia (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

So I said to Raffensperger (hah!)

Here’s what I need from you! (huh!)

Search evr’y nook and cranny (hah!)

Do what you gotta do! (huh!)

You can find ‘em in the trash can (hah!)

You can pull ‘em out your ass (huh!)

Get me 12 thousand votes, boy (hah!)

And you better do it fast! (huh!)

Raffensperger done told me (hah!)

Man you must a lost your mind! (huh!)

It ain’t no easy job man (hah!)

12 thousand votes to find! (huh!)

12 thousand votes are needed (hah!)

Ain’t got a single one! (huh!)

Cause the people down in Georgia (hah!)

Prefer the other one! (huh!)

Now three years later (hah!)

You know it makes me sad (huh!)

But a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

She went and made me mad! (huh!)

Way down in Fulton County (hah!)

Down Atlanta way (huh!)

Name of Fani Willis (hah!)

Said I have to pay! (huh!)

So if you’re ever down in Georgia (hah!)

Better take my advice (huh!)

Don’t go fixin’ no election (hah!)

Better treat your country nice! (huh!)

Cause a lady down in Georgia (hah!)

Fani Willis is her name (huh!)

Gonna put you on the chain gang (hah!)

Forever and a day! (huh!)